Saturday, January 15, 2011

Division Round

After going a mediocre 2-2 last weekend, I offer you an equally mediocre weekend of picks. If these picks do not go 2-2, you get your money back!

As always, the losing team is in bold.

"Why yes. I have been 'Roethlisbergerer' by Number 7"
Ravens at Steelers -3

"They're real and they're gorgeous...and go great with nachos."

Packers +2 at Falcons

"Not only do I work and Starbucks, I am it's number one customer."

Seahawks +10 at Bears

"I wear this not as a fan, but for safety reasons. Keeps the concussions down from banging my head against the wall everytime Sanchez overthrows a wide open receiver."

Jets +9 at Patriots

Last week 2-2

Year 138-117-5

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Wild Card Picks

Here are my dead solid lock, bet them if you love money, picks for Wild Card Weekend.

As always, by picks for the losing team are in bold.

Saints at Seahawks +10
Jets at Colts -2.5
Ravens at Chiefs +3
Packers +2.5 at Eagles

Last Week 9-7
Year 136-115-5

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Week 17- You can't make this stuff up!

To say 2010 was ripe with comedy blending into sports would be an understatement. It was more like the sports world was completely doused with a vat full of unintentional comedy juice. The juice by the way taste remarkably like orange Gatorade.

The phrase “you cannot make this up” was never used as much as in 2010. While the Rex Ryan foot fetish controversy proved to be the perfect icing on the cake, we cannot forget some of the other great sports comedy moments of 2010.

Brett Favre took “sexting” to a new level. A level I think none of us wanted nor needed to know about. SNL summed it up best in their Wranglers jeans parody.

Just when the Tiger Woods story could not get creepier, it did. His Nike ad with the voice of his long since deceased dad was just plain uncomfortable. But it was also a perfect set up for parody versions of the ad. Here is one of many that were done, but is probably the one that best gets what he was really thinking

Game 7 of the NBA Finals will be remembered for many things but none more that Ron Artest’s post game interview. It was the first and only post game interview that includes a shout out to a therapist and a plug for a new song! The is the funniest SNL sketch of the year not written or performed by SNL.

I look forward to the sports world in 2011 providing just as many, if not more, comedic gems as this year.

Speaking of gems, below are my picks for the final week of the regular season. Staying with my system of picking losers, the losing side is in bold.

Happy New Year!

Raiders at Chiefs -3.5
Dolphins +5 at Patriots
Titans +9.5 at Colts
Jaguars at Texans -3
Steelers at Browns +5.5
Bengals +9.5 at Ravens
Vikings at Lions -3.5
Giants -4 at Redskins
Bears at Packers -9.5
Cowboys at Eagles -3
Bills at Jets -2
Panthers at Falcons -14
Bucs +7.5 at Saints
Rams at Seahawks +3
Cardinals at 49ers -6
Chargers at Broncos +3

Last Week 9-7
Year 127-108-5

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Week 16- Put up your dukes! It's Boxing Day!

Sunday marks the second biggest holiday of this weekend- Boxing Day.

Up until 48 hours ago, I planned on honoring this day by dressing up like the former heavyweight boxer Randall “Tex” Cobb and blocking jabs with my nose. However, it was just brought to my attention that Boxing Day is actually a day to honor our dedicated servants in the postal delivery field.

Good thing I learned this before I made a fool out of myself. Like last year when I dressed like Alexis Arguello while a drugged up hobo played Aaron Pryor and beat the crap out of me. Twice.

To properly honor the holiday, I have included in my picks the special packages the will be delivered to each game by the fine men and women of the postal service. This year has a token of my appreciation my postman will be receiving a pair of slightly used, partially blood stained, boxing trunks.

As usual, my picks for the losing side are in bold.

Lions at Dolphins -3.5
A sign that reads “Ford Field” to put over the stadium so the Fins feel like they are playing on the road.

Vikings +14 at Eagles
Chains, ropes, pad locks, super glue and anything else necessary to keep Brett Favre from suiting up.

Redskins at Jaguars -6.5
A copy of "How to Make Friends and Influence People” delivered to the Shanahans

49ers +2.5 at Rams
A box of printed up playoff tickets for the winner of this game

Seahawks at Bucs -6.5
No doze for the Seahawks to keep them awake for 10am there time football game

Patriots -8 at Bills
A white flag for the Bills to flag after the third quarter

Jets at Bears -2.5
Video encryption software for certain personnel to keep certain videos private

Ravens -3.5 at Browns
High quality paper for Eric Mangini to use to print out his resume

Titans at Chiefs -5
Scented candles for Coach Todd Haley to burn on the sidelines so maybe he can calm and not blow arteries over losing the coin toss.

Colts -2.5 at Raiders
Bigger, stronger, cushier helmets for all the Colts receivers.

Texans -2.5 at Broncos
A copy of Colorado’s penal code for all the Bronco players. They have more arrested players than wins this year.

Giants +3 at Packers
A game play that covers all 60 minutes of a game instead of the first 52 minutes.

Chargers at Bengals +8
Moving boxes for most of the players and coaching staff so they can get a head start on their “forced” relocation at the end of the season.

Saints at Falcons -2.5
A box full of R-E-S-P-E-C-T for the Falcons. Has there ever been a 12-2 team that has flown this far under the proverbial radar?

This week 1-1
Last Week 7-9
Year 119-102-5