Week 11 Football Picks

After three losing weeks in row, I bounced back last week like a Shaq foul shot off the rim. I want to thank you all for sticking with me during this down time in my picking prowess, but I learned that, like most things, it really wasn’t my fault.

See, Mercury has been in retrograde for the past few weeks and as you know that screws up a myriad of things including our ability to communicate, study, and predict National Football League games. It’s an astrological fact. I can’t fight it. As a matter of fact, I think it was a Herculean feat to overcome this celestial obstacle and pull out a winning week for you. But I do it because I care. I care about you and your financial well-being. I care that maybe you will make lots of money and then buy me dinner or take me bowling or something. Hey, I beat Mercury Retrograde for you, what are you going to do for me!

So despite fighting against the heavens, I was able to go 9-7 last week and 2-2 on my star picks. That leaves me with a record of 64-66-5 and 18-21 on my star picks.

Now that I know I can blame something outside of my control for my failures, I will not only predict the outcome of each game, but tell you who I am going to blame if I should get it wrong.

My picks are in bold.

Ind –1.5 at Dallas: Jerry Jones’ face. It scares me. It’s pulled back tighter than my wallet at a strip club. I mean the man has millions of dollars. Couldn’t he have paid just one person to tell him that this was not a good idea? L

*Cinn at New Orleans –3.5: Voodoo. I once met a voodoo princess who was posing as a drugged out prostitute. She was spinning around a street post when she stopped suddenly, looked me dead in the eyes and said “I guess being poor is the best way of life.” If I lose this game it’s because of that curse she put on me. And because of all those Katrina jokes I told. L

Oakland at KC –10: Damon Huard. If KC loses, it’s because Trent Green is rusty. They wouldn’t have had to use him if Huard played better last week. I also blame Huard for not stepping up and replacing Marino like he should have when Dan retired, leaving us with Jay Fiedler and an array of other offensively challenged QBs. It always comes back to the Dolphins doesn’t? L

Pittsburgh at Cleveland +3.5: Motorcycles. Kellen Winslow Jr. Ben Roethlisberger. Evil Knievel. These mechanized two-wheeled monsters need to be stopped. I saw a kid the other day on a bicycle. I immediately ran over and knocked him down. I yelled at him that first it’s Big Wheels, then Huffys, then 10-speeds, which inevitably spirals downward until you are cruising on Harleys and risking a $30 million sports contract. When the kid told me he had no athletic ability, I apologized, said it was all right for him to ride and bought him a moped. L

Tenn +13 at Phil: Philly fan. Even the ones that look normal, hold a job, and walk upright, still give me pause. Because below the surface is a maniac that would brain you if he thought it would make keep Correll Buckhalter from fumbling. W

Atl +4.5 at Balt: Earnest Byner. If he doesn’t fumble the ball on the goal line in the 1988 AFC Championship, the Browns go to the Super Bowl. They take that momentum to a victory. The euphoria stays with the team for years, keeping them from moving to Baltimore. In which case, the Ravens never exists, Trent Dilfer doesn’t get a Super Bowl ring, and I win this pick because even Michael Vick could cover the spread against nobody. L

*St.Louis at Carolina –7: The NFL Steroid Policy. It seems that half the Panthers were on the juice when they went to the Super Bowl a few years ago. Hell, even their punter was taking the needle to the gluteus. That’s total team commitment! But, the wusses at the league office had to start cracking down just because it’s “illegal”, it “sets a bad example” and it leads to “early death”. Seriously, when did we start caring about athletes after their playing careers? W

Buffalo +2.5 at Houston: CBS. I blame CBS for televising this game, even if it’s just to the Houston and Buffalo markets. It is just encouraging kids to go out there and play bad football. Oh sure, the network will say it’s the parents responsibility to control what their kids watch, but what’s a dad to do when he’s got a nickel on the Bills? W

NE –6 at Green Bay: Geritol. Or whatever old person vitamins Brett Favre is taking. Favre was the starting QB when they played in the Super Bowl 10 years ago. And here he is, still plugging along, making games close, always giving his team a chance to win… or lose because of a last minute interception. Can somebody buy him into a condo in Boca already? W

*Wash at Tampa Bay –3: The Mid Term Elections. If Republicans stayed in power, they would be the ones buying up the tickets and supporting the Redskins. They were great at enabling failed leadership and horrendous performance. Now with the Democrats in charge, they’ll want all kinds of investigations and expect a semblance of an offensive game plan. T

Chicago at NYJ +7: My brother in law. He has this system that if the spread is over 7 bet the favorite. If it’s under 7 bet the underdog. What the hell do I do if it is 7! He says take the square root of the favorite’s average weight and multiply it by Pi. If that number is greater than the underdogs average yards per field goal try, then you should…aw hell I’ll take the stinking Jets. Hope I lose. L

Minn +3.5 at Miami: Loyalty. Yes, I love the Dolphins. Of course, I want them to win. But ever since I started picking against them, they haven’t lost. Bad luck, don’t fail me now. Granted this is the first time they are favorites, so this could be a win/win. But that’s just greedy. L

Detroit at Arizona –2.5: Mary Kay Cosmetics. Detroit is 0-4 as a road underdog. Arizona is 0-2 as a home favorite. This game needs a ton of make-up and accessories to even pass as watchable. I bet a Mary Kay representative gives both teams a nice but subtle foundation, a little eye liner, and a pep talk before the game. W

Seattle at San Fran +6.5: Nancy Pelosi. I am afraid now that their liberal representative is leader of the House, those hippy Niners will slip back to their pot-smoking, tree-hugging, afraid tackling hurts the poor, “government will come up with a offensive game plan so we can live off our welfare check” ways. W

San Diego at Denver –2.5: Rev. Ted Haggard. I don’t blame him for being a drug taking, lying, closeted homosexual homophobe. Who among us isn’t that? I blame him for diverting the attentions of Coloradoans from the real fiend among them, Jake Plummer. His interceptions tests the faith of the people way more than a man of God who tokes meth off the belly button of his beefcake personal trainer. Jake, repent your wicked ways! Hand the damn ball off! L

*NY Giants at Jax –3: The Minuteman Project. This game is going to be decided by a field goal. And that kicker is going to be American born. But isn’t football less exciting without the immigrant kicker. The little guy with the unpronounceable name, wearing the single bar face mask. He would sprightly skip onto the field and play the most crucial role in a game he had no idea about. Ever since this whole border protection crap started, football has lost out on one of its more entertaining and comical elements. “Why ball shaped like yam?” W

Record 7-8-1

Star Picks 2-1-1