Saturday, September 25, 2010

Week 3- Things I Would Change

My relationship with the NFL is not unlike a girlfriend to a boyfriend. Yes, I love it. I think it’s wonderful and just perfect the way it is, but….. just like anything you love, you just can’t help but want to change it completely.

There have been plenty of outcries for change to the overtime rules or to safety issues or the replay system. I’ll leave those complaints to the people who just want superficial change. I propose some fundamental changes that will completely alter the sport as we know while adding some spice to our relationship. And no, I do not mean having the NFL dress up like a nurse and me role playing as Rush Limbaugh begging for OxyContin.

Here are a few ideas I humbly suggest Roger Goodell employs. While I’m not going to leave the NFL if they refuse make these changes, I might have a few more “headaches” during Monday Night Football if they ignore me.

No field goals inside the 20 yard line and do away with kicking extra points
Field goals of less than 37 yards are becoming nearly automatic. Extra point misses are so rare and require such a choke job that my fantasy league penalizes 10 points for a missed PAT. Sure eliminating the short field would mean teams like the Raiders would be shut out half the year. But really why should we pull Sebastian Janikowski away from his Stoli and tonic for anything less than a chip shot.

Have a former player or coach from each team be the TV color commentators.
I thought it was cool during the World Cup that we had announcers that openly rooted for the US. It was also pretty neat when the studio analyst from different countries openly cheered for their respective nations. Look, we know Troy Aikman pulls for the Cowboys. Heck, I’d be disappointed if he didn’t. Why make him hide. Come out of the closet Troy! Pair him up with John Riggins for the next Cowboys/Redskins game and I promise not to turn down the volume on the TV. (like I usually do we he calls a game)

No more 2 minute warning.
Give each team an extra timeout they can blow uselessly earlier in the game. Also, this would eliminate certain rules that only apply for the last 2 minutes of a game. Isn’t that idea inherently stupid. If the rule is important enough for crunch time in a game, wouldn’t it be important for the other 58 minutes. (of course, this idea works soooo well for the NBA and NHL)

Have both teams’ cheerleaders at each game.
First off, why limit the ogling to only one set of cheerleaders when you can have twice the eye candy at a game. Do you mean to tell me opposing fans are going to loudly boo scantily clad women gyrating in front of them?

Allow cheerleaders to openly date players… both on their team and opposing teams.
You think Ines Sainz’s appearance at practice caused players to act like fools. Think of players sharing a sideline which their girlfriends, wannabe girlfriends, or girls that have restraining order out against them. Imagine playing in front of your fiancĂ©e while your “lady friend” is also on the field cheering for the other team. As an added bonus, we would give those useless sideline reporters a new and exciting purpose. Imagine Tony Siragusa interviewing a cheerleader.

Tony: “Your boyfriend is playing like he’s on fire today.”

Cheerleader: “Yeah, it might be because before kickoff I told him I am pregnant.”

Tony: “I’m sure he’s ecstatic.”

Cheerleader: “…with the other team’s quarterback’s baby.”

Tony: “I think we might have a fatality in today’s game. Back to you in the booth.”

For more great ideas, see my picks for the week. Last Week I went a very unimpressive 7-8-1, but still over .500 for the young year.
I am still sticking to my theme of picking LOSERS this year so the teams in Bold are the one that will lose (versus the spread)

Week 3

Titans at Giants -3
Bills +14 at Patriots
Browns +11 at Ravens
Steelers -3 at Bucs
Bengals -3 at Panthers
Falcons +4 at Saints
49ers -2.5 at Chiefs
Lions +11 at Vikings
Cowboys +3 at Texans
Redskins -3.5 at Rams
Eagles -2.5 at Jaguars
Colts -5.5 at Broncos
Chargers at Seahawks +6
Raiders at Cardinals -4
Jets +2.5 at Dolphins
Packers -3 at Bears

Last Week 7-8-1
Season 16-14-2

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Week 2- Great Moments in Sports (gambling) History

This week’s Great Moments in Sports (gambling) History is brought to you by the American Egg Industry…because eating our eggs is the ultimate gamble.

Week one of the season brought a sports (gambling) highlight from an unlikely source, the Dolphins/Bills game. As with most of week one’s games, the offensive performance by both teams was putrid. The punter had so much playing time I thought I was watching the Rockettes.
But just like the NBA, the real action came in the last two minutes.

The spread on the game mostly fell at the Dolphins as a 3 to 3 ½ point favorite. Nearing the end of the game, the Fins were up by three and it looked as if it would end this way. Especially after a Fins defensive back dropped an easy interception and walk in for a TD. The crowd at my local sports entertainment facility (aka sports book) gave a collective groan of agony. Hands flew up. Hats were thrown to the floor. $1 Buds were chugged down to dull the pain. It was at that moment I realized more that few people had this game as the key to their 3, 4, and 5 team parlays.

Dejectedly, they realized at best they would push this game since there no way the Dolphins offense would put up any more points. What they did not realize was Chan Gailey coaches the Bills. As any one of his previous teams will tell you, Chan is a favorite of the fans…of the other team. And he was about once again about to rise up to the occasion and live up to that reputation.

Crazy like a ferret Chan had plans. When lined up to punt out of the end zone with 2 minutes left in the game, he had his team take a safety. Playing the field position game was a dubious decision at best. Asking Trent Edwards to lead a team to a game winning TD was just dumb. It is like asking Mel Gibson to attend a Seder dinner.

But for all those people holding tickets with the Dolphins at minus 3, it was a gift from the gambling heavens. Needless to say, the Bills would not score again and the Dolphins covered. This latest version of the Orchard Park miracle saved thousands of parlay tickets… that would later be crushed when the Colts lost to the Texans.

That’s this week’s edition of Great Moments in Sports (gambling) History. Brought to you by the American Egg Industry…because only wusses get salmonella.

After going 9-6-1 for week one, I am staying with my method of picking the LOSING team in each game. Here are my picks for Week 2 with the losing team in BOLD.

Week 2

Steelers at Titans -5.5
Dolphins at Vikings -5.5
Cardinals at Falcons -6.5
Ravens -2 at Bengals
Chiefs +1.5 at Browns
Bears +8 at Cowboys
Eagles -5.5 at Lions
Bills at Packers -13
Bucs at Panthers -3.5
Seahawks +3.5 at Denver
Rams +3.5 at Raiders
Texans at Redskins +3
Patriots -2.5 at Jets
Jaguars +7.5 at Chargers
Giants at Colts -5.5
Saints at 49ers +5

Last Week 9-6-1
Season 9-6-1

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Week 1- Things I learned during pre-season

Things I learned during this year pre-season

Mike Shanahan is from Mars and Albert Haynesworth is from Venus.

Rex Ryan is quite a scholar when it come to the many uses of the work F&%k.

Brett Favre will do whatever it takes not to share a room with another man. (which has to be the reason he misses training camp)

The NFL is just looking out for the well being of its players with these new concussion rules. (remember this when they extend the season by 2 games, but ask the players to take less money)

The NFL is just giving the fans what they want by thinking of adding 2 more games. (remember this “giving the fans what they want” when they lock out the players after this season)

Randy Moss’ ability to be content lasts exactly 3 seasons. (This is two seasons longer than TO)

Steeler fans have a surprisingly compassionate ability to forgive quarterbacks who have been accused of sexual assault. The reason might have something to do with Dennis Dixon being the team’s backup.

For all the complaints it is a waste of time, it must not be since many so-called experts picked Green Bay to go to the Super Bowl based on their pre-season performance. (I am one of those so-called experts)

And finally, no matter how many players get arrested, no matter the threats of strikes and lockouts, and no matter how much they charge for games, I am addicted to football. Being without it for these several months had me shaking like two-pack-a-day smoker on a transcontinental flight.

We back NFL Sundays!

Sticking with my theme this week of picking who will lose the game (versus the spread), the LOSING team is in bold

Panthers +6.5 at Giants
Dolphins -3 at Bills
Falcons -2 at Steelers
Lions +6.5 at Bears
Bengals at Pats -5
Browns +2.5 at Bucs
Broncos +3 at Jaguars
Colts -2.5 at Texans
Raiders at Titans -6.5
Packers -3 at Eagles
49ers -3 at Seahawks
Cardinals at Rams +4
Cowboys at Redskins +4
Ravens +2.5 at Jets
Chargers at Chiefs +4.5

Season 1-0

Thursday, September 9, 2010


While playing little league, I once received some sage advice my father. I had just made the last out of the game by striking out with the tying run on third. Down and dejected, my dad patted my head and said “Son, there are no losers. Everyone is a winner for just going out there and giving it their best.”

As a solitary tear rolled down my check, I looked up to him and replied “Really?”

No! I’m just kidding. There are losers. And today you are one of them. But the world needs losers so we know who the winners are.”

I am taking that great (and psychology scaring) advice to heart this year with my annual NFL football picks.

Everyone is so focused on picking the winners, but not me. This year I am going to shine a well deserved light on those underappreciated (yet significantly well paid) participants in every football game, the losing team.

Let those other so called experts give you the lock solid winner. Not me. This year, I will be giving you all the losing teams each week. Take that Berman and the dead ferret under your nose.

This season's very first loser! The Minnesota Vikings. Give Favre and the Vikings the 4 points and all the lubricant shots they can handle. It still will not be enough to overcome a crowd still drunk from the last Super Bowl. I don’t mean drunk on excitement, I literally mean their collective BAC is still at .21.

Now, let's get this football season started! The Vegas economy needs all the help those losing football parlay bets can give it!