Division Round

After going a mediocre 2-2 last weekend, I offer you an equally mediocre weekend of picks. If these picks do not go 2-2, you get your money back!


As always, the losing team is in bold.





"Why yes. I have been 'Roethlisbergerer' by Number 7"
Ravens at Steelers -3




"They're real and they're gorgeous...and go great with nachos."

Packers +2 at Falcons

"Not only do I work and Starbucks, I am it's number one customer."

Seahawks +10 at Bears

"I wear this not as a fan, but for safety reasons. Keeps the concussions down from banging my head against the wall everytime Sanchez overthrows a wide open receiver."

Jets +9 at Patriots

Last week 2-2

Year 138-117-5

Wild Card Picks

Here are my dead solid lock, bet them if you love money, picks for Wild Card Weekend.

As always, by picks for the losing team are in bold.

Saints at Seahawks +10
Jets at Colts -2.5
Ravens at Chiefs +3
Packers +2.5 at Eagles

Last Week 9-7
Year 136-115-5

Week 17- You can't make this stuff up!

To say 2010 was ripe with comedy blending into sports would be an understatement. It was more like the sports world was completely doused with a vat full of unintentional comedy juice. The juice by the way taste remarkably like orange Gatorade.

The phrase “you cannot make this up” was never used as much as in 2010. While the Rex Ryan foot fetish controversy proved to be the perfect icing on the cake, we cannot forget some of the other great sports comedy moments of 2010.

Brett Favre took “sexting” to a new level. A level I think none of us wanted nor needed to know about. SNL summed it up best in their Wranglers jeans parody.


Just when the Tiger Woods story could not get creepier, it did. His Nike ad with the voice of his long since deceased dad was just plain uncomfortable. But it was also a perfect set up for parody versions of the ad. Here is one of many that were done, but is probably the one that best gets what he was really thinking


Game 7 of the NBA Finals will be remembered for many things but none more that Ron Artest’s post game interview. It was the first and only post game interview that includes a shout out to a therapist and a plug for a new song! The is the funniest SNL sketch of the year not written or performed by SNL.




I look forward to the sports world in 2011 providing just as many, if not more, comedic gems as this year.

Speaking of gems, below are my picks for the final week of the regular season. Staying with my system of picking losers, the losing side is in bold.

Happy New Year!


Raiders at Chiefs -3.5
Dolphins +5 at Patriots
Titans +9.5 at Colts
Jaguars at Texans -3
Steelers at Browns +5.5
Bengals +9.5 at Ravens
Vikings at Lions -3.5
Giants -4 at Redskins
Bears at Packers -9.5
Cowboys at Eagles -3
Bills at Jets -2
Panthers at Falcons -14
Bucs +7.5 at Saints
Rams at Seahawks +3
Cardinals at 49ers -6
Chargers at Broncos +3

Last Week 9-7
Year 127-108-5

Week 16- Put up your dukes! It's Boxing Day!

Sunday marks the second biggest holiday of this weekend- Boxing Day.

Up until 48 hours ago, I planned on honoring this day by dressing up like the former heavyweight boxer Randall “Tex” Cobb and blocking jabs with my nose. However, it was just brought to my attention that Boxing Day is actually a day to honor our dedicated servants in the postal delivery field.

Good thing I learned this before I made a fool out of myself. Like last year when I dressed like Alexis Arguello while a drugged up hobo played Aaron Pryor and beat the crap out of me. Twice.

To properly honor the holiday, I have included in my picks the special packages the will be delivered to each game by the fine men and women of the postal service. This year has a token of my appreciation my postman will be receiving a pair of slightly used, partially blood stained, boxing trunks.

As usual, my picks for the losing side are in bold.

Lions at Dolphins -3.5
A sign that reads “Ford Field” to put over the stadium so the Fins feel like they are playing on the road.

Vikings +14 at Eagles
Chains, ropes, pad locks, super glue and anything else necessary to keep Brett Favre from suiting up.

Redskins at Jaguars -6.5
A copy of "How to Make Friends and Influence People” delivered to the Shanahans

49ers +2.5 at Rams
A box of printed up playoff tickets for the winner of this game

Seahawks at Bucs -6.5
No doze for the Seahawks to keep them awake for 10am there time football game

Patriots -8 at Bills
A white flag for the Bills to flag after the third quarter

Jets at Bears -2.5
Video encryption software for certain personnel to keep certain videos private

Ravens -3.5 at Browns
High quality paper for Eric Mangini to use to print out his resume

Titans at Chiefs -5
Scented candles for Coach Todd Haley to burn on the sidelines so maybe he can calm and not blow arteries over losing the coin toss.

Colts -2.5 at Raiders
Bigger, stronger, cushier helmets for all the Colts receivers.

Texans -2.5 at Broncos
A copy of Colorado’s penal code for all the Bronco players. They have more arrested players than wins this year.

Giants +3 at Packers
A game play that covers all 60 minutes of a game instead of the first 52 minutes.

Chargers at Bengals +8
Moving boxes for most of the players and coaching staff so they can get a head start on their “forced” relocation at the end of the season.

Saints at Falcons -2.5
A box full of R-E-S-P-E-C-T for the Falcons. Has there ever been a 12-2 team that has flown this far under the proverbial radar?

This week 1-1
Last Week 7-9
Year 119-102-5

Week 15- NFL's list to Santa

BREAKING NEWS….. Wikileaks has received the flash drive of one Kris Kringle (aka Santa Claus). They are set to release everyone’s Christmas letters to Santa. Fortunately, I obtained a leaked copy of the leaked copy and here are some of the things a few NFL personal asked from Santa this year:

Donovan McNabb- a Wii Fitness

Aaron Rodgers- a thicker helmet

Denver Broncos front office- a clue

Al David- Fred Biletnikoff (remember, he still thinks it’s the ‘70s)

Ben Roethlisberger- Pain medicine. Lots and lots of pain medicine.

Miami Dolphins- for their stadium to burn down and forcing them to play all their games on the road.

Matthew Stafford- a shoulder made of bone instead of glass

Brett Favre- a time machine to take him back to the moment in time he agreed to come back and play this year.

Brad Childress- same as above.

Rex Ryan - For Sal Alosi to keep his mouth shut on who ordered the Code Red, err… I mean, who order the lineup on the sideline.

Roger Goodell and the NFL owners- a labor agreement that will pay the players less, make them work harder (play more games), get their stadiums built without costing them anything, and, all the while, keeping their books a secret so they can continue to cry poor . (Hey, Wikileaks, please get a leaked copy of the NFL financials.)

The list also included my letter to Santa in which I ask, nay beg, for a return to a winning week picking games. As has been my system throughout the year, the losing team is in bold

Chiefs at Rams -3
Texans +1 at Titans
Jaguars +5 at Colts
Cardinals at Panthers -2.5
Browns at Bengals -1
Bills +5.5 at Dolphins
Eagles at Giants -3
Redskins at Cowboys -7
Lions at Bucs -4
Saints +1.5 at Ravens
Falcons at Seahawks +6
Jets +5 at Steelers
Broncos at Raiders -7.5
Packers at Patriots -14
Bears -7.5 at Vikings


Thursday 1-0
Last Week 6-9-1
Year 111-92-5

Week 14- Best Comedy Sports Films of the Decade

As we wrap up the end of the first decade of the 21st century, there is going to be a flood of “Best of the Decade” lists coming out.

Because we are always ones to follow a trend rather than lead it, here is our entry into the foray.

Here is the top 5 comedy sports TV shows/films of the ‘00s. Honestly, it was really slim picking after the top 2, but no one wants to see a top two list.

5. Semi-Pro

4. Bad News Bears

3. Blades of Glory

2. Dodgeball

1. Talladega Nights

Enough with the laughter. Below are my serious “If you hate money, don’t bet these” picks of the week. , The losing team in bold.

Raiders +4 at Jaguars
Bengals +8.5 at Steelers
Patriots -3 at Bears
Browns +1 at Bills
Giants -3 at Vikings
Packers -6.5 at Lions
Falcons -7.5 at Panthers
Bucs at Redskins +1
Rams +9 at Saints
Seahawks +5 at 49ers
Dolphins +5.5 at Jets
Broncos -4 at Cardinals
Chiefs +9.5 at Chargers
Eagles at Cowboys +3.5
Ravens -3 at Texans



Thursday 0-1
Last Week 9-7
Year 105-84-4

Week 13- Getting Ready for the Apocalypse!

This week, the NFLPA took the prudent step of scaring the crap out of its members by telling them to prepare for an owner lockout next year. The owners already have a plan and it’s called “being stinkin’ rich.”

But what about us poor slobs aka “the fans.” How do we prepare for the worst case scenario?



As a public service to all NFL fans, below are the top ten most helpful tips on how to prepare. This will only make life without football barely functional. Quite frankly, there is no advice that can make Sundays without pro football bearable or even tolerable.

10. DVR the rest of the games this season and then next season invite friends over on Sundays to watch the replays.

9. Subscribe to the NHL Network and start boning up on your hockey knowledge.

8. Sneak into your crazy aunt’s house and start stealing her anti-depressant meds.

7. Move out of a house and into an apartment because free Sundays equals fix things around the house time.

6. If no football means at return to church, convert to a religion with the shortest services and the most free alcohol (a Paid Advertisement from the Roman Catholic Church).

5. Learn about websites your can surf other than Pro Football Talk and Yahoo Fantasy Sports.

4. Offer your house as a place to stay to one of your favorite locked out players. If their money management is anything like the rest of Americans, they will be broke and homeless within 2 months.

3. Create a fantasy football team…for the Lingerie Football League.

2. Move to Canada and start following Canadian Football. (It comes with free health care.)

1. After this year’s Super Bowl, keep drinking so you never sober up. Being continually drunk might be the only effective way to handle this!

Here are my picks for the week. Once again, I am picking the losing side with is in bold

Bills +5.5 at Vikings
Browns +5 at Dolphins
Jaguars at Titans -3
Broncos +8.5 at Chiefs
Redskins +7 at Giants
Bears at Lions +5.5
49ers at Packers -9.5
Saints -6.5 at Bengals
Falcons -3 at Bucs
Raiders +13 at Chargers
Panthers at Seahawks -5
Dallas +5.5 at Colts
Rams -3.5 at Cardinals
Steelers at Ravens -3
Jets +3.5 at Patriots

Thursday 0-1
Last Week 8-8
Year 96-79-4

Thursday Night's Alright for Fightin'

All the talk leading up to tonight's game has been about fighting. The talk has been openly about Andre Johnson's fight and quietly about dog fighting.

Now to see a real football fight, check out the brawl between Miami and FIU. Simultaneously one of the most reprehensible and proudest moments of FIU's football history. Proud because it's the only thing anyone around the nation knows them for. "Any press is good press!"

As for tonight, the fighting should be confined to the booth between Millen and Theismann. Take the Texans the generous 8 points.

Week 12- Let's Go to the (Music) Video!

In honor of last Sunday was the American Music Awards, here is the American Football Music Awards!

Each of this week’s picks comes with a music video that best exemplifies that game.

Remember, my picks for the losing team in bold


Vikings PK at Redskins
Def Leppard’s Photograph


Steelers at Bills +6.5
Bob Marley’s Buffalo Soldier


Titans at Texans -6.5
Jay Z’s Forever Young (Get it Fisher)


Jaguars +7 at Giants
Ryan Adam’s New York, New York (An underappreciated New York Anthem)


Panthers +10 at Browns
The Presidents of the United States’ Cleveland Rocks (Just not in sports)


Bucs +7.5 at Ravens
Randy Newman’s Baltimore



Eagles -3.5 at Bears
’85 Chicago Bears Super Bowl Shuffle (Feels like a long time ago huh Bears fans)


Packers +2.5 at Falcons
Ray Charles’ Georgia on my Mind



Dolphins at Oakland -3
Jimmy Buffet’s Fins


Chiefs at Seattle +1.5
Nirvana’s Smells Like Teen Spirit


Rams at Broncos -4
The Buggles- Video Killed the Head coach…err… I mean the Video Star


Chargers +3 at Colts
Cast of Anchorman’s Afternoon Delight (from the funniest movie ever set in San Diego)


49ers at Cardinals +1

REM’s It’s the End of the World (These two awful teams playing on MNF might just be the 5th sign of the apocolype)




Thursday 1-2
Last Week 9-7
Year 89-70-4

Thanks Football!

The top ten things every football fan should be thankful for this Thanksgiving:

10. The NFL puts the safety and well being of its players on the top of their priority list, just behind having them play more games and paying them less money.

9. Roger Goodell burning all the tapes from the Patriots’ Spygate. This way we fans will not be burdened with the knowledge of what was really videotaped.

8. Parody. At the start of the season, every team has a legitimate chance of making the playoffs …or finishing in last place.

7. Gus Johnson calling games.



6. The Colts and Patriots having to play each other every season.

5. The Lions and Bills not having to play each other every season.

4. The NFL’s logical fine system.
Illegal hit during the run of play = $75,000 fine
Assault and battery after the play is over = $25,000 (least the hit wasn’t to the head. Oh wait, it was.)


3. It is the best soap opera on TV since Melrose Place got cancelled. See all the over the top melodrama that goes on between games. See- Vikings, Favre, Fisher v. Young, TO, Rex Ryan, etc.

2. Post game press conference meltdowns!



1. Not one, not two, but three football games on Thursday gives you three opportunities to ignore your family during Thanksgiving.


There is one more thing to be thankful for- my picks! Staying with my theme this year, the losing team is in bold

Patriots at Lions +7
Saints at Cowboys +3.5
Bengals +9 at Jets

Week 11- Why read stories when you have Headlines

I am like most American in that I have a very busy schedule. As I spend my dedicated 12 hours per day web surfing, I do not have time to read the actual article. I just scan the headline. I am sure I get all the in-depth coverage I need from those bold font titles.

So for this week’s game, forget about watching the game. My predicted post game headlines tell you everything you need to know.

My picks for the losing side are in bold. I might listen to me if I were me, since I went 11-3 last week.

Al Davis awakens to find Raiders in first place, believe he is living in 1977.
Raiders +7.5 at Steelers

Texans fall behind early. Comeback halted by [insert interception, fumble, bear eating team]
Texans at Jets -6.5

Coach Fox gets ice cream vendor to QB for 4th quarter
Ravens -11 at Panthers

Redskins improve from “embarrassment” to “just getting beat.”
Redskins +7 at Titans

Tony Who? Kitna stakes claim to be the future of Cowboys, says inebriated Jones.
Lions at Cowboys -6

Favre blames sore tonsils for 5 interception game
Packers -3 at Vikings

Bills forfeit game. Figure last week’s win was only one they were getting for the year.
Bills at Bengals -5

Jaguars blame Josh McDaniels for loss- “What kind of idiots trade Peyton Hillis?”
Browns +2 at Jaguars

Todd Haley refuses to shake Wisenhunt’s hand. Claims Cardinals should have armed tackled instead of wrapping up.
Cardinals +8 at Chiefs

Since he gave up Heisman, Bush ask Carroll to give up bonuses earned during 2005 season
Seahawks +11.5 at Saints

Rams play “California Dreamin’” after every touchdown. Is this a subtle hint?
Falcons -3 at Rams

Singletary finally get around to blaming God for loses
Bucs +3.5 at 49ers

Manning wins despite having cast of “Big World, Little People” as his receiving corp.
Colts +4 at Patriots

Vick morphs into his Madden Avatar. Gets sucked into the world of Tron.
Giants at Eagles -3.5

Babies demand River stop pouting. Says give them a bad name.
Broncos +9.5 at Chargers


Thursday 1-0
Last Week 11-3
Year 80-61-4

Are you a true fan of Dolphins or Bears?

Five signs you are a true Bears fan:

1. You have the same hairdo as Brian Urlacher…and you are a woman.

2. You seriously believe Jay Cutler can lead the team to the Super Bowl this year.

3. You seriously believe Jay Cutler will finish the season will full use of all his limbs.

4. The Super Bowl Shuffle is on you iPod…and it’s the only song on your iPod.



5. You have petitioned the Vatican to canonize Mike Ditka.

Five (plus one) signs you are a true Dolphins fan

1. You have gotten in a fist fight defending the fact that Dan Marino is a winner.

2. The Dolphin fight song was also your wedding song.

3. You completely agree with that 8 year old kid getting tackled for wearing a Jets jersey…and you would have done it yourself if you had the chance.

4. You still call the stadium “Joe Robbie Stadium.”

5. You seriously believe that Greg Camarillo should have his jersey retired for scoring the winning touchdown that kept the Fins from going 0-16 in 2007.



6.- You are going to jinx the Fins’ Thursday night opponent by picking the Bears plus the 1.5 for the game.

Week 10- Coming Attractions

For each game this week, the NFL has requested that we come up with the one line preview that pops up on TV screens when you hit INFO on your remote.

Actually they didn’t technically ask me, but they also did not say not to do it so I take that as being as good as a request. As you can imagine, this kind of logic has gotten me in quite a bit of hot water in several US states and territories.

Just like for TV shows and movies, I’ve made these recaps more entertaining than the actual games will be.

My picks for the losing team is in bold.

Bengals +7 at Colts
Two former partners (Palmer and Ochocinco) find a way to rekindle their romance despite the fact the QB WONT THROW HIM THE DAMN BALL!

Texans +1.5 at Jaguars
It’s a fight against time as the stadium scoreboard operator tries to find enough bulbs to light up triple digits for each team’s score.

Titans at Dolphins +1.5
A washed up former QB is forced out of retirement by a desperate coach to save the team…and his job.

Vikings -1 at Bears
Remake of classic “Mutiny on the Bounty.” The crew of the SS Vikings throw their captain overboard and they live in exile lead by Fletcher Christian (Favre)

Lions at Bills -2.5
Stranded in a lifeless ice world, the Bills are forced into a fierce battle to preserve a last shred of dignity or else continue toward a winless season.

Jets -3 at Browns
By calling all out blitzes and setting bounties on kickers, two brothers battle for the love and respect of their crazed father.

Panthers at Bucs -7
A plucky band of Buccaneers rally together and play their hearts out in a desperate attempt to get the local townsfolk to notice them.

Chiefs at Broncos +1
Despite making a long series of idiotic mistakes, a bumbling head coach leads his team to one more chance not to embarrass itself.

Rams +6 at 49ers
A down on his luck head coach (Singletary) spends a Sunday afternoon pining after a quality young QB (Bradford).

Seahawks +3.5 at Cardinals
No one is safe as these two horrific teams combine to set the quality of professional football back 40 years.

Cowboys +14 at Giants
A group of overpaid, underachieving Cowboys band together to prove once and for all they are overpaid and underachieving

Patriots +4.5 at Steelers
House (Belichick) and Foreman (Tomlin) clash over the best way to remove a patient’s head from his ass. (Roethlisberger)

Eagles -3 at Redskins
The noble prince Donovan tries to break free from the dungeon he has been exiled to by the evil king Shanahan.

Thursday 1-0
Last Week 6-7
Year 69-58-4

Thursday Night Drinking Game

Football is a fun and exciting sport to watch, but no event is so exciting that adding alcohol to it doesn’t make it infinitely better.

For this reason, I give you tonight’s drinking game rules. For those of you not familiar with the drinking game (aka Mormons), you simply chug a beer or down a shot every time the following is either said or done. Here are Thursday’s five rules.


1. For every speculation made on how much the fine and/or suspension will be for a hit on a receiver.

2. The announcer mentions “Ray Lewis has still got it” or “Ray Lewis plays the right way.” (special five shot bonus if an announcer says Lewis “knifed” through the line.)

3. “Matt Ryan” and “cool” are mentioned in the same sentence.

4. The camera cuts to Falcons owner Arthur Blank and they mention Michael Vick (It’s like you can’t show Jennifer Anniston without mentioning Brad Pitt, or show Charlie Sheen without mentioning hooker.)

5. Every time the Dallas Cowboys are mentioned. (Even though they are not playing in this game and are completely out of the playoff race, they will get talked about more than the Falcons.)

If you have not passed out by halftime, you have not been paying attention to the game.

As for my pick, the Ravens will lose this game by more than 1 point.

Drink up!

Week 9- The buck stops no where near here!

When I judge a NFL coach, I have only one criterion- The quality of his excuse for losing.

Our leaders, from sports to politics, always start their concession speeches with “I take full responsibility for…” Then by the next sentence, they are grabbing people by their shirt collars and tossing them right under the proverbial bus.

And I respect that. It’s easy to take the blame. I say “I’m sorry” about 115 times a day. But I think it is a far greater and impressive skill to come up with a unique and creative way of explaining away one’s failures.

A personal example: I promised my wife I would wash her car. When I did not, she kindly pointed this out to me. I retorted “If President Obama had not sent all that stimulus money for road construction here, your car would not be that dirty and instead I could spend my time stimulating the economy in a much more profound way by playing online poker! Granted it’s the economy of Aruba, but still.” She apologized and quickly wrote a letter to the local editor ripping the President.

Mike Shanahan took it to an All-Pro level this week with his explanation for pulling Donovan McNabb. His brilliant (and ever changing) explanations diverted away from the fact that he has failed to have any semblance of a running game or that his defense gave up over 30 points to the Lions. Mr. Shanahan sir, your neighbors in our nation’s capital could clearly use you advice and counsel.

This week with my picks, I offer the losing head coaches some advice on the best excuse to use for the post game press conference. You’re welcome. As I have done all year, my pick for the losing team are in bold.

Bears -2.5 at Bills
Bills’ excuse- “We’re not use to the time change in Canada.” Note Buffalo and Toronto in same time zone.

Chargers at Texans +2.5
Chargers’ excuse- “We were trying to win a bar bet with some guy who said we couldn’t commit 10 dumb penalties and/or turnovers in one game. Ha! Looks like it's Zimas for us!”

Saints -6.5 at Panthers
Panthers’ excuse- “It’s Jake Delhomme’s fault. Can we still use that?”

Cardinals +8 at Vikings
Vikings’ excuse- “Favre…. mumble, mumble…turnovers… mumble, mumble…Moss… mumble, mumble…caterer… mumble, mumble…….migraines…mumble, mumble…challenges… mumble, mumble………booze cruise… mumble, mumble…Anyone have boxes for packing?”

Bucs +8.5 at Falcons
Falcons’ excuse- “Buc’s coach Raheem Morris tricked us into believing he was completely clueless. In truth, he is only 90% clueless.”

Jets -4 at Lions
Lions’ excuse- “Hey, we already won two games this year. For us, it’s like we’re the 72 Dolphins.”

Dolphins +5.5 at Ravens
Ravens’ excuse- “The NFL is cramping our style with all these rules about hard hits and shanks to the gut.”

Patriots -4.5 at Browns
Browns’ excuse- “It’s Jake Delhomme’s fault. Or did the Panthers already use that?”

Giants at Seahawks +7
Giants’ excuse- “Even though it was only for a few hours, this rain in Seattle just made us so depressed by the 4th quarters we just wanted a Starbucks laced with Prozac.”

Chiefs +1 at Raiders
Raiders’ excuse- “Playing in front of a sold out home crowd kind of threw us off. It was such a new experience…and a scary one.”

Colts +3 at Eagles
Eagles’ excuse- “We honestly did not believe Peyton Manning could turn the Colts’ towel boy into a 100 yard receiver.”

Cowboys at Packers -7
Cowboys’ excuse- “We ran out of them.”

Steelers at Bengals +4.5
Steelers’ excuse- “The thought of being up close for 3 hours to the T.Ocho Show drove us to forfeit the game.”

Last Week 7-6
Year 62-51-4

Week 8- I doth pick'em

In honor of this week’s NFL game being hosted in the land of Shakespeare, I give you a couplet that sums up each of my picks.

The sound you hear is the Bard spinning and cursing in his grave. Thank goodness he doesn’t have access to a lawyer.

As always, my picks for the losing team is in bold.

Broncos +2 at 49ers
Singletary was once a great backer
By next week he’ll be an office packer

Jaguars at Cowboys -6.5
Cowboy fans cry ‘bout the hurtin’ Romo
Next year they’ll wail ‘bout head coach Del Rio

Redskins +2.5 at Lions
The Lions are locks to cover as dogs
But once favored, bet the bank on the Hogs

Packers +6 at Jets
Logic doth tell me to go with the Jets
Hatred prevents me so lose will my bets

Panthers at Rams -3
A broke finger may keep Jackson from game
Hall Famer Ron Lott doth think this is lame

Dolphins +2 at Bengals
Dolphins be cursed when they have home cooking
Bengals can’t win when Carson is throwing

Bills at Chiefs -7.5
Last game did the Bills look good when they led
Ugly shall they be at new Arrowhead

Titans at Chargers -3.5
As sure as the sun doth rise in the East
Chargers will win in the AFC Least

Bucs at Cardinals -3
Oh Kurt, Oh Warner, please come back and play
No chance there is Max Hall lasts through Sunday

Seattle +2 at Raiders
Quiet lest you awake sleeping old Al
Should he arise he shall fire Cable

Vikings at Patriots -6.5
Many a joke I can make ‘bout this pick
Refrain I shall since it’ll end with a ____

Steelers at Saints -1
Orleans be alit on All Hallow’s Eve
No way Pittsburgh shall get’ Big Ben to leave

Texans at Colts -5.5
If total be twenty take the over
On number of times Gruden doth slobber


Last Week 6-8
Year 55-45-4

Week 7- Suspensions

The NFL is flexing its 42 inch pythons once again. After a weekend of particularly brutal hits that left players concussed and NFL execs with arthritis from all their hand wringing, the league is going to start doling out suspensions for players who commit illegal hits. I blame Rodney Harrison for this. He admitted on Sunday Night Football that fines never concerned him when he was playing. It was the time he was suspended from games that hurt him the most. (What’s funny about this, he was not suspended for dirty hits, but for using PEDs. Funny, no one on the set mentioned this.)

Well Rodney, thanks for completely ruining it for the future generations of head hunters.

But since the NFL is at it, I have a few suggestions of other offenses that should lead to immediate suspensions.

Any offensive player who is playing at home and is called for illegal motion. You were just told the count 10 seconds ago. The crowd is quiet since you are at home and YOU STILL MOVE BEFORE THE SNAP. That’s just dumb.

Any coach who calls a timeout right before the of a field goal attempt in which the kick still gets off. This is just petty and kind of nerdy. Its like when the geeky kid who would call time out during dodgeball just because he was bleeding profusely from the nose and lip. These coaches just need to let it play continue…unless the blood loss causes unconsciousness.

Any referee who takes longer than 2 minutes to review a call. I swear that refs are scarfing down a hot dog and nachos under that hood. It is the only explanation for the length of time they take to make a review call when the rest of us can see the play clearly.

Any player who celebrates a first down when his team is losing by 10 or more points. Let’s call this the “Roy Williams Rule.”

Any receiver who immediately calls for a flag after an incomplete pass. As soon as the ball gets past them, they start looking around and tossing up their hand like they are sprinkling the air with confetti. This is just like soccer player who raise their hands for offside as the opponent is blasting by them to score. In both cases, it is insane since the ref is going not going to call based on your histrionics…they are going to call it based on who paid them off the most before the game. Duh.

The NFL needs to apply these rules this weekend!

Sticking with my warped system for 2010, my pick for the losing team is in bold.
Steelers -3 at Dolphins
Bengals at Falcons -3.5
Jaguars +9.5 at Chiefs
Eagles +3 at Titans
Redskins at Bears -2.5
Browns at Saints -13
Bills at Ravens -13
49ers at Panthers +3
Rams at Bucs -3
Cardinals at Seahawks -6
Patriots +2.5 at Chargers
Raiders +8 at Broncos
Vikings at Packers -2.5
Giants at Cowboys -3


Last Week 7-5-2
Year 49-37-4

Week 6- The .00001% Chance

Modern technology
+
Testosterone Based Thinking
=
Uncomfortable Talking Points for ESPN’s SportsCenter

In the past year or so, it seems we have a growing epidemic on our hands of male athletes and the inappropriate use of modern communication device. (Bonus game- count the number of double entendres in that sentence.)

People have expressed dismay at the boorish behavior of our modern day sports heroes. This shock is akin to Captain Renault’s shock that there was gambling going on at Rick’s. This should not come as a shock since all men, from pro athletes to road side construction crews, share the same decision making process. When a man is presented with a choice (any choice), he goes though the Male Decision Making Model. The model can be applied to any situation a man could face. It consists of asking himself the following set of questions:

1. Is this the best thing for me and my family?
2. Would this increase the percentage likelihood of me getting laid?
3. Is that percentage increase higher than .00001%?
4. I forgot. What was that first question?

It’s really that simple. Take the alleged incident involving a certain NFL QB. Most of the people I speak with say “Why the hell would he take photos of his “person” and send it over the phone? Did he really think this would impress her?”

The answer is “Yes, he did.” Seriously, using the .00001% threshold, you could see there being that percentage chance of a woman opening a text message with such a photo and thinking “Oh my! That’s the most romantic thing I’ve seen since ‘The Notebook.’” Remember, there are women out there willing marry serial killers…even after they have been convicted.

I completely understand how this scenario could have played out. Our QB hero sees an attractive woman. Later that night, he has a cell phone in his hand. While playing Tetrus on the phone, he accidentally discovers it can take photos and those photos can be texted. A light bulb goes off. As he changes that light bulb, an idea pops in his head. “What if I took snapshots of my “Joe Willie” and sent it to her. That’ll get her to come over.” Now, he’s not really sure if this is a good idea so he goes through the questions of the Male Decision Making Model:

1. Is this the best thing for me and my family?
“Umm, maybe, just maybe, my wife of 20+ years would not understand.”

2. Would this increase the percentage likelihood of me getting laid?
“Not sure. Have to do the calculations.”
In order to figure out the percentage increase, he takes out a sheet of paper and pencil to do the complex algebraic equation that only men know to do since it was taught to them when the guys were seperated from the girls in the special week of helath education.

3. Is that percentage increase higher than .00001%?
“Hey, it is higher than .00001%
(Secret tip: The equation always comes out higher than .00001%)

4. I forgot. What was that first question?
“I forgot. What was that first question?”

Suddenly, he puts on his Crocs, drops his draws and says cheese.

I hope this explanation helps clear up to you why a 40 year old man who has a beautiful wife and children, is adored my millions of fans, and makes millions more in product endorsements would risk it by taking photographic images of his private parts and send it to an unsuspecting woman. Allegedly.
____

Last week, I repeated my performance of the week earlier and went 8-6 on my picks. If I keep up this pace, I will eke out just enough profit this season to pay down my gambling debt from the baseball season.

As usual, I am picking the losing side, so the losers are in bold.

Chargers at Rams +8.5
Chiefs at Texans -4
Ravens +2.5 at Patriots
Saints -4.5 at Bucs
Falcons at Eagles -2.5
Lions +10 at Giants
Seahawks and Bears -6
Dolphins +3 at Packers
Browns at Steelers -14
Jets at Broncos +3.5
Raiders +7 at 49ers
Cowboys +1.5 at Vikings
Colts -3 at Redskins
Titans -3 at Jaguars

Last Week 8-6
Year 42-32-2

Week 5- Shocking News

This week, we had a bombshell of a news story slap us across the cheek.

Allegedly, some aging superstar QB sent an attractive contract employee of an NFL team some lurid and suggestive messages along with photographic evidence that he was, in fact, a man. Storm clouds are brewing as the coverage of this story grows and certain image conscious sport/entertainment networks decide to report on it.

This story could end up be very, very bad for this QB. Of course, it got me thinking of other made up stories that, if they were alleged, could have even greater shock and awe value.

Tony Dungy secretly own three brothels in Nevada.

Jim Caldwell calls all of the Colts offensive plays and Peyton is just is puppet.

Those messages and pics mentioned above were really intended to be sent to Brad Childress

TO and Ochocinco get married on a special VH1 crossover episode of their two reality shows.

In order to recuperate from his torn ACL so quickly and effectively, Wes Welker sold over 75% equity ownership of his soul to the devil.

The Dolphins Special Teams unit had pooled all their paychecks and bet on the Patriots last week.

Aaron Rodgers and Ryan from “The Office” are, in fact, the same person.

When they go under the hood to “review a play,” the referee is really speaking to John Madden and he tells him what call to make.

The NFL’s decision to expand to 18 games had to do with satisfying fans and nothing to do with money.

After another winning week, I am not going to buck my trend of picking the losing side. Losers are in bold.

Broncos at Ravens -7.5
Jaguars +1 at Bills
Chiefs at Colts -7
Rams at Lions -3
Falcons -3 at Browns
Bucs at Bengals-6.5
Bears +2.5 at Panthers
Packers -3 at Redskins
Giants at Texans -3
Saints -7 at Cardinals
Chargers -6.5 at Raiders
Titans +7 at Cowboys
Eagles at 49ers -3.5
Vikings at Jets -4

Last Week 8-6
Year 34-26-2

Week 4- Panic!

It’s week 4 of the NFL, also known as “Holy crap, my team sucks!” week for a good portion of the league.

For Lions fans, this week happened once the 2010 schedule was announced.

I just spent a week in Denver listening to local sports fans bitch and moan over the Broncos ineptness in scoring points, there lack of any hope of a winning season, and the fact their head coach needs to be carded when he picks up a pack of cigs. Their only bright spot for the future has been relegated to third string emergency QB duty. (Yeah, Denver spent the 25th overall pick on a third string QB).

The beauty of football is that, unlike say baseball and basketball, there is not another game in the next day or two to ease one’s nerves. Football fans have a full 6-7 days to allow their anxiety and frustration to grow and ferment like a fine wine or moonshine. During this week, the fans go through the five stages of grief:

Denial
Raiders and Saints fan- “Damn my standard, low definition TV. It makes it look like he missed that kick. Of course he didn’t. No one misses a kick from less than 30 yards.”

Anger
Broncos fan- “How the hell can we put up over 500 yards of offense in a game and score only 17 points. Do you think our idiot head coach would put in for a 4th and goal play the guy holding the clipboard who won a friggin Heisman scoring on one yard plays!”

Bargaining
Lions fan- “Okay. In a month we will get back our starting QB, just in time to play the Bills. At least we will win that game so we don’t repeat 2008.”

Bills fan- “Okay. In a month, we will give up on playing a quarterback and strictly hike it to Spiller, just in time to play the Lions. At least we will win that game so we don’t pull a Lions.”

Depression
Giants Fan- “Oh gawd, dis team sucks. Manning sucks. Coughlin sucks. The defense sucks. Bloomberg sucks. New Jersey sucks. AJ Burnett sucks. My mother-in-law’s lasagna sucks. The traffic on the GW sucks. The Global Initiative on Climate Change sucks. Geez, at least da Knicks aren’t in last place…yet.”

Acceptance
Jaguars fan- “Hey, no worries. This team is going to be Los Angeles’ problem in a couple years.”

I have no reason to feel depressed since last week I found myself back on the winning track by sticking with my system of picking losers. If it ain’t broke…

Below are my picks for Week 4 with the losing side in bold.

Broncos at Titans -6.5
Ravens +2 at Steelers
Bengals -3 at Browns
Lions +14.5 at Packers
Panthers +13.5 at Saints
49ers at Falcons -7
Seahawks at Rams +1
Jets -5.5 at Bills
Colts -7 at Jaguars
Texans -3.5 at Raiders
Cardinals at Chargers -8.5
Redskins +6 at Eagles
Bears +4 at Giants
Patriots at Miami +1

Last Week 10-6
Year 26-20-2