Week 2- As the Old Saying Goes...

This week, debate over the use of a quirky proverb supplanted our national discourse on the most important issues of the day, like will Tom Brady’s modeling career be affected by his torn ACL.

We all know you can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still going to lose in heartbreaking fashion to the stinkin’ New York Jets.

But there are some other proverbs you might not be aware of when it comes to NFL games. So this week, along with these can’t miss picks, I’ll give an appropriate, uniquely American, proverb that best fits the game.

My picks are in bold.

Raiders at Chiefs -3.5
Don't blame the cow when the milk gets sour.
Lane Kiffin essentially blamed the Raiders’ pathetic performance on the defensive coordinator and the owner because in an Al Davis lead team, the head coach is the least responsible person.

Giants at Rams +9
What you can learn by boxing with a left-hander costs more than it's worth.
The Rams will learn a lot about themselves this week coming off a disastrous performance. Unfortunately, none of what they learn will help them play football.

Colts -2 at Vikings
Always drink pure water.
Or in the case of (former) Colts DE Ed Johnson, always smoke the pure tobacco.

Titans +1 at Bengals
The rooster makes more racket than the hen that laid the egg.
Chad Ocho Cinco nee Johnson sure does make a lot of noise …and sure does drop a lot of balls.

Saints PK at Redskins
If you buy a rainbow, don't pay cash for it.
Daniel Snyder needs to start using a credit card when hiring new coaches so he can dispute the charges when he has to let them go after one season.

Packers -3 at Lions
Don't trade off a coonskin before you catch the coon.
It still boggles the mind that the Packers were so willing to let go of a Hall of Fame, Pro Bowl QB for a guy who had started as many NFL games as Joe Flacco, Matt Ryan and Matt Cassel. It would be like electing a Vice President who has never met a foreign leader. That explains why Ted Thompson headed up McCain’s VP vetting.

Bears and Panthers -3
Someone who pets a live catfish isn't crowded with brains.
Someone who goes into the NFL Season with Orton and Grossman as its two QBs isn’t crowded with brains.

Bills +6 and Jaguars
A hole in your britches lets in a heap of uneasiness.
The Jags’ decimated offensive line is going to make for a very uneasy season for David Gerard and for the team’s medical staff.

49ers and Seahawks -7
The mule doesn't pull so well with a mortgage on his back.
Paying your two backups QBs over $8 million and have the cheapest player on the roster start is money management that’ll get you to run Lehman Brothers.

Falcons +7 at Buccaneers
Never trust a man too far who stays mad through Christmas week.
I also say don’t trust a man that starts Brian Griese at quarterback.

Patriots +2.5 at Jets
A bull without horns can still do some right sharp pushing.
Just because they lost the QB who had the greatest season ever, do not count out the Pats. They still have of plenty talent…and videotapes.

Dolphins at Cardinals -7
It doesn't take a prophet to predict bad luck.
I don’t think I will be confused with Nostradamus when I say the Dolphins will be terrible…or that the Cardinals will look like a playoff team this week and still not make the playoffs.

Ravens at Texans -4.5
Folks on the rich bottomland stop bragging when the river rises.
Here’s hoping that the people of Houston can worry more about their football team than their homes.

Chargers at Broncos +2
A sharp axe is better than big muscle.
What do lumberjacks and Bronco offensive linemen have in common? They both chop for a living.

Steelers -6 at Browns
Trying to understand some folks is like guessing at the direction of a rat hole underground.
If you can explain why Romeo Crennel kicked a field goal when his team was down three touchdowns in the 4th quarter, MIT will give you a doctorate in quantum physics.

Eagles at Cowboys -6.5
Watch out when you're getting all you want. Fattened hogs ain't in luck.
Jerry Jones and the Cowboys are getting all they want. New Stadium. Super star players. Reality TV Shows. Bleached blond celebrity cheerleaders. The only thing they won’t get…a playoff win.

Last week record 10-6
Season record 10-6

My real “seriously I’m going to bet” Picks
Bears/Panthers Over 37
Patriots +2.5 over Jets
Texans -4.5 over Ravens
Bills +6 over Jaguars

Last week 3-1
Season 3-1

The NFL's Rodney Dangerfield

Every season, the team that wins the title will spout off that they were given no respect. This is usually some trumped up, self motivational tactic to get them to play hard, as opposed playing hard for the millions of dollars they are getting paid.

With the exception of last year's Giants (who still get no respect), this is a bunch of bull. I would love to see a team lose and say "Gee, no one was giving us any respect and I guess they were right."

But there is one player in the NFL who absolutely deserves to say he gets no respect- Jeff_Garcia.

This week, Buc's coach Jon Gruden made up a ankle injury for Garcia so he could bench him and start Brian Griese. Garcia has one bad game (a game his team could have won) after leading them to the playoffs last year yet he gets yanked. I never thought I'd have any sympathy for a millionaire, but I am starting to feel sorry for him, especially since I have been guilty of showing him no respect too.



Look at what has happened to him:


Undrafted in college, he is forced to play in the CFL. Playing football in Canada is like playing baseball in Miami. If no one is watching you play are you really playing?



Gets a shot to play for the Niners. Has Pro Bowl seasons. Leads them to the playoffs. Gets ripped by his best wide receiver (although he made him a Pro Bowl player too) and then eventually gets dumped after one bad year.

Said wide receiver along with a host of others question his sexuality. This despite the fact he married one of the sexiest women in the world.



Has to endure stops in Detroit and Cleveland and judged as a washed up QB, even though those teams have collectively been to a total of zero Super Bowls.

Goes to the Eagles, takes over for an injured McNabb and leads them to 5 straight wins and the division crown along with a playoff win. Then he is not offered a contract in favor of AJ Feeley.



Goes to the Bucs. In his first season, leads them to the playoffs, then gets benched for Brian Griese. Brian friggin Griese who could not beat out Rex Grossman!

Of course he still goes home every night to Carmella DeCesare and he probably can afford his mortgage...

oh screw you Garcia, I'm going back to feeling sorry for myself.

Real Predictions for NFL Season

If you are going to have credibility in the sports world, you have to make outrageous predictions before the season starts on what will happen. In order to get my official “guy with a blog who knows nothing” membership card, I am required to make such predictions.

Here are my “dead solid lock” - “take it to the bank” – “if I’m lying, I’m dying” things that will definitely happen this season. And by definitely, I mean pretty sure.

Chad Johnson will change his name to “Eight Five” in every language known to man. He will be committed to a mental institution when he tries to change it using Neptunese (the official language of the planet Neptune.)

Tom Brady will be listed as questionable or doubtful for every game of the year. He will of course play in every game of the season.

Halfway through the season, Cincinnati will start plucking players off their “Rikers Island Developmental Squad.”

The NBC studio show will have so many people on it, they will petition to become a team in the league.

Brett Favre will make 5 unbelievably great “I can’t believe what I just saw” plays this season.

Brett Favre will make 15 unbelievably terrible “What the hell was he thinking” plays this season.
During Week 4, Aaron Rodgers will become so freaked, his eyes will literally pop out of his head. They are already halfway out.

There will be more commercials featuring either one or both of the Manning boys than the total number of presidential campaign ads.

The NFL Network still won’t get on anymore cable networks.

The Dolphins WILL NOT make the playoffs.

These teams WILL make the playoffs:

AFC
Patriots
Steelers
Chargers
Jags
Colts
Broncos

NFC
Cowboys
Packers
Saints
Seahawks
Giants
Vikings

And finally… Super Bowl XLIII will be a rematch of Super Bowl XL with the Steelers against the Seahawks. And once again, the referees will win it for the Steelers.

NOTE- To all my friends that are Steelers fans, I apologize for the obvious open mouth kiss of death.

Week 1- Mo' Money, Mo' Money

Flush with success with my correct pick for the first game of the year, I am so overwhelmed with a sense of confidence that I have officially given notice to my day job and will live solely on my prognostication skills.

I will eat, sleep, drink and lather myself head to toe with all things football. After crunching the numbers, I figure to have accumulated enough money by the end of the Super Bowl that I will never have to work a real job again. However, it will not be enough money for my wife not to work again. She unfortunately will have to keep her 10 hour a day job. I feel really bad for her.

Now if you want in on this money making venture, all you have to do is:

$- Stopping paying all your bills. You will need the extra cash for your gambling bankroll

$- Get the Playboy Football coverage issue. Really, just read it for the insight.

$- Move to the state of Nevada or out of the United States (I know. Isn’t that the same thing?) Sports wagering in only legal in Nevada. Thanks President McCain.

$- Follow the picks I give you every week. My motto is “if you hate money, don’t listen to me.”

Week 1 Picks (picks in bold)

Bengals -1.5 at Ravens – The Ravens offense will be the only one the Bengals will stop all year.

Jets at Dolphins +3 – Pennington says revenge will play no part in this game. Pennington is a liar.

Chiefs +16 at Patriots – The Chiefs won’t be able to slow down the Pats, but Tropical Storm Hanna can.

Texans at Steelers -6.5- Ben is excited that he has receivers that are tall and have big hands, which makes him similar to 90% of women.

Jaguars at Titans +3 - The Titans offense- your cure for insomnia.

Lions -3 at Falcons - Congratulations Atlanta! You have made the Lions a road favorite for the first time since the Carter Administration.

Seahawks PK at Bills- After hours of analysis, I picked the Seahawks because the coin came up heads.

Buccaneers at Saints -3.5 – After surviving Hurricane Gustav, you think the Saints are worried about Tropical Depression Garcia?

Rams +7 at Eagles- Everybody loves the Eagles. Nobody thinks much of the Rams. "Nobody" usually knows more than "everybody."

Cowboys -5 at Browns- Jessica Simpson covers songs better than the Browns cover receivers.

Panthers +9.5 at Chargers- I’d feel a little better about the Chargers if their QB, TE and best LB were not playing on one leg.

Cardinals at 49ers +2.5- Oh the Cardinals. Every year they are everyone’s sleeper pick to improve. And every year…oh you know the rest of the story.

Bears +9.5 at Colts- Pssst. Colts. I have a little tip. DO NOT KICK IT TO HESTER!!!!! I swear if they kick it to him, I am going to demand Dungy visit a court appointed shrink.

Vikings at Packers -2.5- I just feel for the kid and want him to do well. But if Rodgers costs me money here, he’s dead to me.

Broncos -3 at Raiders – Shanahan just won’t let go of that grudge against Al Davis. Kind of like Rosie can’t let go of the girls on the View…or fried chicken.

My real “seriously I’m going to bet” Picks
Chiefs/Patriots – under 45
Bears/Colts- under 44.5
Bengals -1.5 over Ravens
Broncos -3 over Vikings