Week 3- This One is for Uncle Sam

Just go off the phone with Treasury Secretary Paulson. I convinced him to convert these risky investments the federal government just bought into and convert them all to a safe, secure long term investment.

You guessed it. He agreed to put the entire future of the US banking industry on my picks this week. So if you go against these picks, you are a pinko communist!

Actually, if you are for these picks you are also a pinko communist since you are supporting the government’s intrusive involvement in the “free market economy.”

It’s a weird day when Russia is less socialist than we are.

So you can follow how your tax dollars are being invested, here are my picks for week 3. My picks are in bold.

Chiefs at Falcons -5
How bad is Damon Huard for him to be benched in favor of a guy with a skeleton fetish.

Raiders at Bills -9
Hey Canada, you are going to get a hell of a team for your first NFL franchise.

Buccaneers at Bears -3
Kyle Orton is the greatest mediocre QB since Doug Flutie.

Panthers +3.5 at Vikings
When you are counting on Gus “I broke my own neck” Ferrote to make smart decisions with the ball, you might be picking early in the next draft.

Dolphins +12.5 at Patriots
Damn you Matt Cassel! Stop playing well so we can see the return of Vinny Testeverde.

Bengals +13 at Giants
Here's a good idea, free of charge, for the Giants. I think they should get on a plane, circle around the state and land in New York to make their home games feel like road games.

Texans at Titans -5
You can forgive the Texans if football has not been exactly on the top of their minds lately

Cardinals at Redskins -3
Hint to the defensive backs, if you see Anquan Boldin or Santana Moss running down the field, trip them!

Lions +4 at 49ers
This is the game casinos will only run inside the Keno parlor.

Rams +9.5 at Seahawks
I wish to apologize to all Seattle fans for picking the Seahawks to go to the Super Bowl. You’d think I did enough damage to your city when I picked the Mariners to go to the World Series.

Saints at Broncos -5
Ed Hochuli just got elected to the Colorado Supreme Court.

Steelers at Eagles -3.5
Big Ben played week 1 with a dislocated shoulder. Or maybe it was just sprained. Or maybe there was nothing wrong at all. Good thing Dr. Foreman from “House” is on the case.

Jaguars +5.5 at Colts
With the depleted offensive lines and immobile QBs for each team, Mrs. Gerard and Mrs. Manning might want to avert their eyes.

Browns +2 at Ravens
Romeo Crennel has already decided he is kicking a field goal as soon as the Browns get in range, even if it’s first down.

Cowboys at Packers +3
If Rodgers wins this game, the Packers can go ahead and officially retire Favre’s jersey.

Jets +9 at Chargers
If the Chargers lose this game, they can officially retire Ed Hochuli.

Last week 7-7-1
Season 17-13-1

My real “seriously I’m going to bet” Picks
Buccaneers/Bears over 35.5
Redskins -3 over Cardinals
Bears -3 over Buccaneers
Rams +9.5 over Seahawks
Lions +4 over 49ers

Last Week 2-0-1

Season 5-1-1

A Bizarre Week 2

The last week has brought us some strange things in the NFL, even more bizarre than usual.

Peyton Manning, hoping around like Verbal Kint (and playing like him too) leads the Colt to 18 straight points to pull out a win.

68 year old former bag boy Kurt Warner tearing up the Dolphins and leading his team to 2-0. I guess it was a good idea for him not to do beer bongs during the off season. Who knew?

Lane Kiffin pissing off Al Davis by WINNING, thus forcing him to have to wait until after they lose to the Bills this week to fire him. And he had already called IT to erase Kiffin’s email.

Matt Cassel ripping apart the Jets with his 10 yard passing attack. I know this is a crazy thought, but just maybe the Jets could have adjusted for that. I mean if are going to have all those coaches, and headsets and hidden video cameras, perhaps it would be a good idea to utilize them to make adjustments.

Ed Hochuli makes a mistake and blows a play dead as an incomplete pass when it was clearly a fumble. What was crazy is that he felt so bad about it, he decided to place the ball back to the 10 yard line, thus “penalizing” the Broncos. This is the kind of made up rules we use to create for street pick-up games along with the invisible center and “Hitting my mom’s car is out of bounds!”

Romeo Crennel deciding to go for a field goal with 6 minutes left and down by seven. That’s not weird since he did that same thing the week prior when down by 21. What’s mind boggling is Madden agreeing with the decision, saying he would have done the same thing.
“You if you get the 3 points, then you need just a touchdown, but if you go for the Touchdown and miss it, then you need a touchdown AND AN EXTRA POINT.” I think Madden needs to go to Ace Hardware to tighten that loose screw.

However that was not the dumbest thing spoken by an announcer this weekend. That award goes to Michael Irvin. Surprise! He was doing radio for Monday Night Football and the Eagles were taking timeouts near the end of the game as the Cowboys had the ball and the lead. Irvin’s insight- “The Eagles are taking timeouts so that if the Cowboys score again, they’ll have time to come back. Really Michael? Really? I thought I heard Marv Albert trip over his chaps when he heard than one.

Maybe, just maybe, the Eagles were taking timeouts in the hope they would stop the Cowboys from scoring and get the ball back down only 4 points. Being down by 11 but having a full 2 minutes to play may not exactly be what Andy Reid and the boys were thinking. But, hey you played the game so you must know.

But the winner of the dumbest thing said this week goes to multiple award winner Joey Porter. He called out Matt Cassel and predicted a Dolphins victory over the Patriots.

Just a reminder:
The Dolphins have won exactly one of their last 21 games.
The Patriots have won 21 consecutive regular season games

This is not even a case of a player writing a check his team can’t cash; he’s trying to write a check with no ink in the pen.

Note- For whatever it is worth, the last time the Pats lost a regular season game was against the Dolphins.

DeSean Jackson - Fantasy Football Killer

That plaintive wail you hear is from all the fantasy owners who had Donovan McNabb lost their game by less than 6 points.

Week 2- As the Old Saying Goes...

This week, debate over the use of a quirky proverb supplanted our national discourse on the most important issues of the day, like will Tom Brady’s modeling career be affected by his torn ACL.

We all know you can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still going to lose in heartbreaking fashion to the stinkin’ New York Jets.

But there are some other proverbs you might not be aware of when it comes to NFL games. So this week, along with these can’t miss picks, I’ll give an appropriate, uniquely American, proverb that best fits the game.

My picks are in bold.

Raiders at Chiefs -3.5
Don't blame the cow when the milk gets sour.
Lane Kiffin essentially blamed the Raiders’ pathetic performance on the defensive coordinator and the owner because in an Al Davis lead team, the head coach is the least responsible person.

Giants at Rams +9
What you can learn by boxing with a left-hander costs more than it's worth.
The Rams will learn a lot about themselves this week coming off a disastrous performance. Unfortunately, none of what they learn will help them play football.

Colts -2 at Vikings
Always drink pure water.
Or in the case of (former) Colts DE Ed Johnson, always smoke the pure tobacco.

Titans +1 at Bengals
The rooster makes more racket than the hen that laid the egg.
Chad Ocho Cinco nee Johnson sure does make a lot of noise …and sure does drop a lot of balls.

Saints PK at Redskins
If you buy a rainbow, don't pay cash for it.
Daniel Snyder needs to start using a credit card when hiring new coaches so he can dispute the charges when he has to let them go after one season.

Packers -3 at Lions
Don't trade off a coonskin before you catch the coon.
It still boggles the mind that the Packers were so willing to let go of a Hall of Fame, Pro Bowl QB for a guy who had started as many NFL games as Joe Flacco, Matt Ryan and Matt Cassel. It would be like electing a Vice President who has never met a foreign leader. That explains why Ted Thompson headed up McCain’s VP vetting.

Bears and Panthers -3
Someone who pets a live catfish isn't crowded with brains.
Someone who goes into the NFL Season with Orton and Grossman as its two QBs isn’t crowded with brains.

Bills +6 and Jaguars
A hole in your britches lets in a heap of uneasiness.
The Jags’ decimated offensive line is going to make for a very uneasy season for David Gerard and for the team’s medical staff.

49ers and Seahawks -7
The mule doesn't pull so well with a mortgage on his back.
Paying your two backups QBs over $8 million and have the cheapest player on the roster start is money management that’ll get you to run Lehman Brothers.

Falcons +7 at Buccaneers
Never trust a man too far who stays mad through Christmas week.
I also say don’t trust a man that starts Brian Griese at quarterback.

Patriots +2.5 at Jets
A bull without horns can still do some right sharp pushing.
Just because they lost the QB who had the greatest season ever, do not count out the Pats. They still have of plenty talent…and videotapes.

Dolphins at Cardinals -7
It doesn't take a prophet to predict bad luck.
I don’t think I will be confused with Nostradamus when I say the Dolphins will be terrible…or that the Cardinals will look like a playoff team this week and still not make the playoffs.

Ravens at Texans -4.5
Folks on the rich bottomland stop bragging when the river rises.
Here’s hoping that the people of Houston can worry more about their football team than their homes.

Chargers at Broncos +2
A sharp axe is better than big muscle.
What do lumberjacks and Bronco offensive linemen have in common? They both chop for a living.

Steelers -6 at Browns
Trying to understand some folks is like guessing at the direction of a rat hole underground.
If you can explain why Romeo Crennel kicked a field goal when his team was down three touchdowns in the 4th quarter, MIT will give you a doctorate in quantum physics.

Eagles at Cowboys -6.5
Watch out when you're getting all you want. Fattened hogs ain't in luck.
Jerry Jones and the Cowboys are getting all they want. New Stadium. Super star players. Reality TV Shows. Bleached blond celebrity cheerleaders. The only thing they won’t get…a playoff win.

Last week record 10-6
Season record 10-6

My real “seriously I’m going to bet” Picks
Bears/Panthers Over 37
Patriots +2.5 over Jets
Texans -4.5 over Ravens
Bills +6 over Jaguars

Last week 3-1
Season 3-1