For each game this week, the NFL has requested that we come up with the one line preview that pops up on TV screens when you hit INFO on your remote.
Actually they didn’t technically ask me, but they also did not say not to do it so I take that as being as good as a request. As you can imagine, this kind of logic has gotten me in quite a bit of hot water in several US states and territories.
Just like for TV shows and movies, I’ve made these recaps more entertaining than the actual games will be.
My picks for the losing team is in bold.
Bengals +7 at Colts
Two former partners (Palmer and Ochocinco) find a way to rekindle their romance despite the fact the QB WONT THROW HIM THE DAMN BALL!
Texans +1.5 at Jaguars
It’s a fight against time as the stadium scoreboard operator tries to find enough bulbs to light up triple digits for each team’s score.
Titans at Dolphins +1.5
A washed up former QB is forced out of retirement by a desperate coach to save the team…and his job.
Vikings -1 at Bears
Remake of classic “Mutiny on the Bounty.” The crew of the SS Vikings throw their captain overboard and they live in exile lead by Fletcher Christian (Favre)
Lions at Bills -2.5
Stranded in a lifeless ice world, the Bills are forced into a fierce battle to preserve a last shred of dignity or else continue toward a winless season.
Jets -3 at Browns
By calling all out blitzes and setting bounties on kickers, two brothers battle for the love and respect of their crazed father.
Panthers at Bucs -7
A plucky band of Buccaneers rally together and play their hearts out in a desperate attempt to get the local townsfolk to notice them.
Chiefs at Broncos +1
Despite making a long series of idiotic mistakes, a bumbling head coach leads his team to one more chance not to embarrass itself.
Rams +6 at 49ers
A down on his luck head coach (Singletary) spends a Sunday afternoon pining after a quality young QB (Bradford).
Seahawks +3.5 at Cardinals
No one is safe as these two horrific teams combine to set the quality of professional football back 40 years.
Cowboys +14 at Giants
A group of overpaid, underachieving Cowboys band together to prove once and for all they are overpaid and underachieving
Patriots +4.5 at Steelers
House (Belichick) and Foreman (Tomlin) clash over the best way to remove a patient’s head from his ass. (Roethlisberger)
Eagles -3 at Redskins
The noble prince Donovan tries to break free from the dungeon he has been exiled to by the evil king Shanahan.
Thursday 1-0
Last Week 6-7
Year 69-58-4
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Thursday Night Drinking Game
Football is a fun and exciting sport to watch, but no event is so exciting that adding alcohol to it doesn’t make it infinitely better.
For this reason, I give you tonight’s drinking game rules. For those of you not familiar with the drinking game (aka Mormons), you simply chug a beer or down a shot every time the following is either said or done. Here are Thursday’s five rules.
1. For every speculation made on how much the fine and/or suspension will be for a hit on a receiver.
2. The announcer mentions “Ray Lewis has still got it” or “Ray Lewis plays the right way.” (special five shot bonus if an announcer says Lewis “knifed” through the line.)
3. “Matt Ryan” and “cool” are mentioned in the same sentence.
4. The camera cuts to Falcons owner Arthur Blank and they mention Michael Vick (It’s like you can’t show Jennifer Anniston without mentioning Brad Pitt, or show Charlie Sheen without mentioning hooker.)
5. Every time the Dallas Cowboys are mentioned. (Even though they are not playing in this game and are completely out of the playoff race, they will get talked about more than the Falcons.)
If you have not passed out by halftime, you have not been paying attention to the game.
As for my pick, the Ravens will lose this game by more than 1 point.
Drink up!
For this reason, I give you tonight’s drinking game rules. For those of you not familiar with the drinking game (aka Mormons), you simply chug a beer or down a shot every time the following is either said or done. Here are Thursday’s five rules.
1. For every speculation made on how much the fine and/or suspension will be for a hit on a receiver.
2. The announcer mentions “Ray Lewis has still got it” or “Ray Lewis plays the right way.” (special five shot bonus if an announcer says Lewis “knifed” through the line.)
3. “Matt Ryan” and “cool” are mentioned in the same sentence.
4. The camera cuts to Falcons owner Arthur Blank and they mention Michael Vick (It’s like you can’t show Jennifer Anniston without mentioning Brad Pitt, or show Charlie Sheen without mentioning hooker.)
5. Every time the Dallas Cowboys are mentioned. (Even though they are not playing in this game and are completely out of the playoff race, they will get talked about more than the Falcons.)
If you have not passed out by halftime, you have not been paying attention to the game.
As for my pick, the Ravens will lose this game by more than 1 point.
Drink up!
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Week 9- The buck stops no where near here!
When I judge a NFL coach, I have only one criterion- The quality of his excuse for losing.
Our leaders, from sports to politics, always start their concession speeches with “I take full responsibility for…” Then by the next sentence, they are grabbing people by their shirt collars and tossing them right under the proverbial bus.
And I respect that. It’s easy to take the blame. I say “I’m sorry” about 115 times a day. But I think it is a far greater and impressive skill to come up with a unique and creative way of explaining away one’s failures.
A personal example: I promised my wife I would wash her car. When I did not, she kindly pointed this out to me. I retorted “If President Obama had not sent all that stimulus money for road construction here, your car would not be that dirty and instead I could spend my time stimulating the economy in a much more profound way by playing online poker! Granted it’s the economy of Aruba, but still.” She apologized and quickly wrote a letter to the local editor ripping the President.
Mike Shanahan took it to an All-Pro level this week with his explanation for pulling Donovan McNabb. His brilliant (and ever changing) explanations diverted away from the fact that he has failed to have any semblance of a running game or that his defense gave up over 30 points to the Lions. Mr. Shanahan sir, your neighbors in our nation’s capital could clearly use you advice and counsel.
This week with my picks, I offer the losing head coaches some advice on the best excuse to use for the post game press conference. You’re welcome. As I have done all year, my pick for the losing team are in bold.
Bears -2.5 at Bills
Bills’ excuse- “We’re not use to the time change in Canada.” Note Buffalo and Toronto in same time zone.
Chargers at Texans +2.5
Chargers’ excuse- “We were trying to win a bar bet with some guy who said we couldn’t commit 10 dumb penalties and/or turnovers in one game. Ha! Looks like it's Zimas for us!”
Saints -6.5 at Panthers
Panthers’ excuse- “It’s Jake Delhomme’s fault. Can we still use that?”
Cardinals +8 at Vikings
Vikings’ excuse- “Favre…. mumble, mumble…turnovers… mumble, mumble…Moss… mumble, mumble…caterer… mumble, mumble…….migraines…mumble, mumble…challenges… mumble, mumble………booze cruise… mumble, mumble…Anyone have boxes for packing?”
Bucs +8.5 at Falcons
Falcons’ excuse- “Buc’s coach Raheem Morris tricked us into believing he was completely clueless. In truth, he is only 90% clueless.”
Jets -4 at Lions
Lions’ excuse- “Hey, we already won two games this year. For us, it’s like we’re the 72 Dolphins.”
Dolphins +5.5 at Ravens
Ravens’ excuse- “The NFL is cramping our style with all these rules about hard hits and shanks to the gut.”
Patriots -4.5 at Browns
Browns’ excuse- “It’s Jake Delhomme’s fault. Or did the Panthers already use that?”
Giants at Seahawks +7
Giants’ excuse- “Even though it was only for a few hours, this rain in Seattle just made us so depressed by the 4th quarters we just wanted a Starbucks laced with Prozac.”
Chiefs +1 at Raiders
Raiders’ excuse- “Playing in front of a sold out home crowd kind of threw us off. It was such a new experience…and a scary one.”
Colts +3 at Eagles
Eagles’ excuse- “We honestly did not believe Peyton Manning could turn the Colts’ towel boy into a 100 yard receiver.”
Cowboys at Packers -7
Cowboys’ excuse- “We ran out of them.”
Steelers at Bengals +4.5
Steelers’ excuse- “The thought of being up close for 3 hours to the T.Ocho Show drove us to forfeit the game.”
Last Week 7-6
Year 62-51-4
Our leaders, from sports to politics, always start their concession speeches with “I take full responsibility for…” Then by the next sentence, they are grabbing people by their shirt collars and tossing them right under the proverbial bus.
And I respect that. It’s easy to take the blame. I say “I’m sorry” about 115 times a day. But I think it is a far greater and impressive skill to come up with a unique and creative way of explaining away one’s failures.
A personal example: I promised my wife I would wash her car. When I did not, she kindly pointed this out to me. I retorted “If President Obama had not sent all that stimulus money for road construction here, your car would not be that dirty and instead I could spend my time stimulating the economy in a much more profound way by playing online poker! Granted it’s the economy of Aruba, but still.” She apologized and quickly wrote a letter to the local editor ripping the President.
Mike Shanahan took it to an All-Pro level this week with his explanation for pulling Donovan McNabb. His brilliant (and ever changing) explanations diverted away from the fact that he has failed to have any semblance of a running game or that his defense gave up over 30 points to the Lions. Mr. Shanahan sir, your neighbors in our nation’s capital could clearly use you advice and counsel.
This week with my picks, I offer the losing head coaches some advice on the best excuse to use for the post game press conference. You’re welcome. As I have done all year, my pick for the losing team are in bold.
Bears -2.5 at Bills
Bills’ excuse- “We’re not use to the time change in Canada.” Note Buffalo and Toronto in same time zone.
Chargers at Texans +2.5
Chargers’ excuse- “We were trying to win a bar bet with some guy who said we couldn’t commit 10 dumb penalties and/or turnovers in one game. Ha! Looks like it's Zimas for us!”
Saints -6.5 at Panthers
Panthers’ excuse- “It’s Jake Delhomme’s fault. Can we still use that?”
Cardinals +8 at Vikings
Vikings’ excuse- “Favre…. mumble, mumble…turnovers… mumble, mumble…Moss… mumble, mumble…caterer… mumble, mumble…….migraines…mumble, mumble…challenges… mumble, mumble………booze cruise… mumble, mumble…Anyone have boxes for packing?”
Bucs +8.5 at Falcons
Falcons’ excuse- “Buc’s coach Raheem Morris tricked us into believing he was completely clueless. In truth, he is only 90% clueless.”
Jets -4 at Lions
Lions’ excuse- “Hey, we already won two games this year. For us, it’s like we’re the 72 Dolphins.”
Dolphins +5.5 at Ravens
Ravens’ excuse- “The NFL is cramping our style with all these rules about hard hits and shanks to the gut.”
Patriots -4.5 at Browns
Browns’ excuse- “It’s Jake Delhomme’s fault. Or did the Panthers already use that?”
Giants at Seahawks +7
Giants’ excuse- “Even though it was only for a few hours, this rain in Seattle just made us so depressed by the 4th quarters we just wanted a Starbucks laced with Prozac.”
Chiefs +1 at Raiders
Raiders’ excuse- “Playing in front of a sold out home crowd kind of threw us off. It was such a new experience…and a scary one.”
Colts +3 at Eagles
Eagles’ excuse- “We honestly did not believe Peyton Manning could turn the Colts’ towel boy into a 100 yard receiver.”
Cowboys at Packers -7
Cowboys’ excuse- “We ran out of them.”
Steelers at Bengals +4.5
Steelers’ excuse- “The thought of being up close for 3 hours to the T.Ocho Show drove us to forfeit the game.”
Last Week 7-6
Year 62-51-4
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Week 8- I doth pick'em
The sound you hear is the Bard spinning and cursing in his grave. Thank goodness he doesn’t have access to a lawyer.
As always, my picks for the losing team is in bold.
Broncos +2 at 49ers
Singletary was once a great backer
By next week he’ll be an office packer
Jaguars at Cowboys -6.5
Cowboy fans cry ‘bout the hurtin’ Romo
Next year they’ll wail ‘bout head coach Del Rio
Redskins +2.5 at Lions
The Lions are locks to cover as dogs
But once favored, bet the bank on the Hogs
Packers +6 at Jets
Logic doth tell me to go with the Jets
Hatred prevents me so lose will my bets
Panthers at Rams -3
A broke finger may keep Jackson from game
Hall Famer Ron Lott doth think this is lame
Dolphins +2 at Bengals
Dolphins be cursed when they have home cooking
Bengals can’t win when Carson is throwing
Bills at Chiefs -7.5
Last game did the Bills look good when they led
Ugly shall they be at new Arrowhead
Titans at Chargers -3.5
As sure as the sun doth rise in the East
Chargers will win in the AFC Least
Bucs at Cardinals -3
Oh Kurt, Oh Warner, please come back and play
No chance there is Max Hall lasts through Sunday
Seattle +2 at Raiders
Quiet lest you awake sleeping old Al
Should he arise he shall fire Cable
Vikings at Patriots -6.5
Many a joke I can make ‘bout this pick
Refrain I shall since it’ll end with a ____
Steelers at Saints -1
Orleans be alit on All Hallow’s Eve
No way Pittsburgh shall get’ Big Ben to leave
Texans at Colts -5.5
If total be twenty take the over
On number of times Gruden doth slobber
Last Week 6-8
Year 55-45-4
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