Week 13 – Triskaidekaphobia

Triskaidekaphobia is the fear of the number 13 and I am an acute sufferer of this condition, particualry when it is applied to the 13th week of the NFL season. I am scared, so scared. Somebody hold me.

After 12 weeks of watching football, I have no idea what to expect. It’s like the boogie man is going to jump out of the closet or worse, the Broncos are going to punt to Devin Hester. I know neither makes sense and it’s all a figment of my imagination. Seriously, there is a greater change of a orge living under by bed than Denver kicking it to Hester a second time, right?

Each week of the season, I go in thinking I know what is going happen. I belive each weekend that the better team will win, smart decisions will be made by highly paid professionals, and the most profitable sports league in the U.S. can afford putting down a quality playing surface for its games. And then, BAM!, I watch the games, with the blanket pulled up just below my eyes, and spend the entire Sunday constantly on the verge of wetting myself. It’s that scary.

But I am a masochist and I go into each week thinking this will be the one that will be a pleasant, feel good, Rudy type of film and I end up ashen faced as I just experienced a Wes Craven/ Saw sequel / snuff film rolled into one.

Just last week I screamed like a little girl when I watched:

Neil Rackers ripping the heart out of every Cardinal fans as he shanked a chip shot field goal.

Herm Edwards eviscerating Chiefs fans with him brilliant decision making allowing the hated Raiders to win.

Gus Ferrotte garroting Rams fans with his bumbling fumble on the last play of the game, a mere yard from victory.

AJ Feeley giving Eagles fans and the rest of us hope that the Patriots could be beat, only to bludgeon us with an idiotic interception.

The NFL gouging the eyes of every football fan by making them watch that Monday night slop fest.

There are scarier things but for the fans of the Titans, Giants, Panthers and Jets, I will refrain from bringing them up.

So watch this week at your own peril. You know something bad is going to happen, but you don’t care. Just likes those coeds who go skinny dipping in Cyrstal Lake, you are going to get drowned by Jason and/or Eli Manning.

Speaking of scary, while last week I went 8-8, I went an otherworldly 3-0 on my star picks. For the season, I am 79-86-10 and 19-22-3. My picks are in bold and that star indicates I feel so strong about that I might watch the whole game without calling out for my mommy.

Green Bay at Dallas –7 - I am scared every time they do a close up on Jerry Jones’ face.

Atlanta at St. Louis –4 - I am scared the Falcons will NOT commit 10 boneheaded penalties.

Buffalo +5.5 at Washington - Too many emotions to even watch this game.

Detroit +3.5 at Minnesota – I am scared to bet against God’s team, even if He doesn’t have a running game.

*Houston at Tennessee –4 – I am scared every time Vince Young throws the ball.

Jacksonville +7 at Indianapolis – I am scared that all the arm waving and yelling Peyton Manning does at the line is really him putting a voodoo curse on the defense.

NY Jets at Miami –1.5 – As a Dolphins fan, I am seriously scared that if Miami doesn’t win this game, they won’t win until 2008. Maybe.

San Diego –5 at Kansas City – I am scared Norv Turner will forget again that he has LaDainian Tomlinson on his team. Maybe he should write it down or wrap a string around his finger.

Seattle +3 at Philadelphia – I am scared that Seattle will give the ball to Shaun Alexander. I am not afraid that AJ Feeley will throw 3 INTs. Remember, I am a Dolphin fan; I’ve seen that movie already.

*San Francisco at Carolina –2.5 – I am scared that Vinny Testaverde will forget to take his Geritol.

Tampa Bay +3.5 at New Orleans – I am scared that the Saints might actually find some consistency.

*Cleveland +1 at Arizona – I am scared Neil Rackers will make every kick over 50 yards, and miss every kick under 30.

Denver –3.5 at Oakland- I am scared the Broncos will still try to kick to Devin Hester, even if he is playing in Chicago.

NY Giants –1.5 at Chicago- I am scared whenever I see that “How come you stole my crayons?” look in Eli Manning’s eyes. Which means, I am scared every time I watch him play.

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh –7 – I am scared that is might rain in Pittsburgh again. By the way, there is a 40% chance of this happening.

New England –20.5 at Baltimore – I am scared that Bill Belichick one day will pull the hood on his sweatshirt over his head and turn into Darth Sidious. Tom, don’t succumb to the dark side!

Black Friday Rap

Hilarious new song.
If this doesn't make you want to go shopping, then, well, you are a normal guy.

Week 12- Black Sunday

Click here to listen to an audio podcast of this posting

The day after Thanksgiving is commonly referred to as Black Friday since retailers hope to be in the black after a rush of holiday spending and because that is color of your heart as you cut in front of the person waiting for that last parking space.

Looking at the football schedule for this weekend, Sunday should also be referred to as "Black Sunday." Not a single game will have two teams with a winning record. Not a single one. And the Monday night game features a winless Dolphin team going to slaugher at Pittsburgh. ESPN seriously must want to renegotiate its NFL contract. While Monday night games this year have been horrific, at least this week ESPN won’t feel singled out since all the games will be terrible.

But this is the NFL which for fans stands for - Never Faltering Love-affair. No matter how ugly she looks, no matter how bad she treats us, no matter how much she costs us (and judging from my picks this year, she has cost me two years’ worth of rent and car payments), we come home to her every weekend and beg her to never leave us.

We watch her games. We buy her merchandise. We ignore that fact she is pumped with enough chemicals to fill a Dupont warehouse.

Let’s face it, we are in a co-dependent relationship with the National Football League. I would suggest getting professional therapy, but we can’t afford it because we just blew the last of our cash on getting Dish TV so we can watch the NFL Network.

Below are my predications for this weekend. If you find the idea of watching these games too disturbing, just catch the highlights that night. The whole weekend’s worth of highlights should only run only 45 seconds.

Last week I went 6-8-2 and 2-2 on my star picks. For Thanksgiving I went 2-1 so overall I am 73-79-10 and 16-22-3. My picks are in bold and that star indicates I feel so strong about this pick that if I am wrong I will take the NFL out for a steak and lobster dinner and expect nothing but a kiss on the cheek at the end of the night.

Not only do you get my picks this week, you get a juvenile “this game is so ugly” joke to go with it. You’re welcome.

*Houston at Cleveland –3- This game is so ugly, it’s only watchable over the radio.

*Seattle –3 at St. Louis- This game is so ugly, not just the fans, but the players, coaches and referees will wear brown bags over their heads.

*Washington at Tampa Bay –3 - This game is so ugly, you’ll want to shower after watching it.

Denver +2.5 at Chicago - This game is so ugly, you’ll wish Jake Plummer would return.

Tennessee -1 at Cincinnati – This game is so ugly, the field will be treated with manure to help ease the smell.

Buffalo +7.5 at Jacksonville - This game is so ugly, blind fans don’t want to watch it.

Oakland +5.5 at Kansas City - This game is so ugly, the players in it will want their money back.

Minnesota +7.5 at NY Giants- This game is so ugly, it makes New Jersey look pretty.

New Orleans at Carolina + 3- This game is so ugly, cats will try to bury it.

San Francisco +10.5 at Arizona – This game is so ugly, tailgaters will stay in the parking lot throughout the game.

Baltimore +9.5 at San Diego - This game is so ugly, even the players’ kids won’t watch it.

Philadelphia at New England –23.5 - This game is so ugly, you’d rather have a post-game handshake with Bill Belichick than watch it.

Miami at Pittsburgh –15.5 – This game is so ugly, it can only be shown on cable.

Thanksgiving- Honoring the Holiday through Football

As any good American student will tell, the story of the first Thanksgiving is about pilgrims and Indians gathering together to enjoy their harvest, skin a pig, tied up said skin in an balloon-like oval shape, inflate it with air, and proceed to toss it about back and forth.

That magical first Thanksgiving afternoon would come to an abrupt halt when it was discovered that the pilgrims were using a spy hidden in a tree to read the lips of the Indians’ defensive coordinator as he called in sign to the team. Those pilgrims are the forefathers of what would later be know as “New England Patriots.”

History tells us football has always been a part of this holiday. So when your wife or mother or therapist complains that about you spending 11 hours in front of the TV set watching games on Thursday, you stand up and shout the following:

“How dare you try to stop me from honoring our forefathers!

I don’t watch football because I want to, I do it because I have to.

I do it to honor those brave pilgrims who died crossing the ocean on the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria.

I do it to honor the hard work and sacrifice they made to build a land where free men and women can enjoy the pursuits of liberty, justice and the United Way.

I cheer for touchdowns, first downs, and 4th down conversions, so I don’t forget that Thanksgiving Day is a day of infamy,
that we have nothing to fear but fear itself,
that I ask not what my country can do for me but what my country can do for me and you, and, finally, for Mr. Gorbachev to tear down this wall!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some honoring to do. Could you grab me a beer?”

Then sit right back down before the commercial break is over.

Another way to honor football, is too combine it with your favorite alcoholic beverage and make a drinking game out of it. Check out the web site The Bachelor Guy for The Bachelor Guy’s Official Thanksgiving Football drinking game.

So in honor of those brave pilgrims such as Daniel Boone, Lewis and Clark, and Amelia Earhart, here is a preview of the games on Thanksgiving Day. My fearless picks at in bold.

Green Bay –3 at Detroit- To think Favre almost retired, nearly denying us a whole litany of “Brett Favre is playing like a 20 year old” stories.

Side note: This has got to be a terrible two-year run for Dan Marino. He has witnessed almost all his records broken by Favre, Manning, and soon Brady, and to top things off he has to share a stage with Shannon Sharpe who probably dangles his three Super Bowl rings in front of him before every show. I hope those residuals from “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective” ease his pain.

NY Jets at Dallas –14 – The big news this week was the revelation that during halftime at Giants Stadium, Jets fans heckle and goad women into showing their bare breasts. These requests came to a sudden halt when female Jets fans began obliging them.

Indianapolis at Atlanta +11.5 – Peyton Manning is in a real funk. He threw 6 INTs two weeks ago, could only muster 13 points against a terrible Chiefs defense last week, and during that game, I saw three straight commercials air without Peyton in any of them. Looks like we are days away from the Jim Sorgi era in Indianapolis.
(Jim Sorgi is the back-up for Peyton Manning. Yeah, I know what you are thinking. I didn’t even know he had a back-up.)

Happy Thanksgiving!



Save This Page