Wild Card Weekend- It's Like You Know

My picks in bold.

Falcons at Cardinals +1.5
You are back in high school. Your parents are leaving you alone for the weekend so of course you decide to have a killer house party. And this house is perfect for it. You’ve got a hug swimming pool, a game room with billiards and video games, and a fully loaded bar. You invite everyone at your school and even at the neighboring high school. Party night comes and only your five fellow members of the Mu Alpha Theta math club show up. You spend the night watching “A Beautiful Mind” and critiquing John Nash's theories.

Isn’t that how the Cardinals must feel? This is the first home playoff game they have had since they moved to Arizona. This is the first home playoff game for the Cardinals franchise in 60 years! And yet, they needed two extensions in order to sell out the game before the local blackout date.

They need to move to a new high school...I mean new city.

Colts -1.5 at Chargers
It’s The Class vs. The Ass. Manning is universally hailed as the poster child for the NFL. Polite. Great in commercials. Does charity work with the United Way.



On the other hand, Phillip Rivers looks like the guy that, while incredibly talented, no one really wants to be around because he is always chirping and yelping and talking crap. His teammates will defend him in public because they have to, but privately he was the one guy who was “accidentally” not invited to the end of the year bash at Shawne Merriman’s house.

Ravens -3 at Dolphins
You’re in Vegas and before you even check into the hotel you slip $20 into a slot machine. DING DING! You hit it for $5000. Now you are set for the trip. You can gamble to your heart's content and never have to worry about visiting an ATM or doing amateur porn for extra cash (a real option in Vegas).

That is exactly how the Dolphins must feel after beating the Jets last week and winning the division. They are playing with House money. And when you do that, the House always gets its money back.

Eagles at Vikings +3
The Vikings also had a hard time selling out their playoff game but that is because Vikings fans have zero faith in their team. Then again, Eagle fans have even less faith (negative faith?) in their team.

So this game ends up being a battle of the atheists. Symbols of faith or beliefs will be prohibited on the field and in the stands. The pre-game prayer will be replaced with players gathering to discuss plans for the offseason. None of the coach’s headsets will be plugged in while the QB helmets will play Marilyn Manson.

By halftime. I expect the stadium to be swallowed up by a black hole.


Last Week 8-7-1
Season 127-120-8

Week 17- Dear, Dear Dolphins

Dear Miami Dolphins,

We’ve been going together for as long as I can remember. We’ve had our ups. 17-0 season. A.J. Duhe mud-drenched INT for a TD against the Jets. The Marino Era. And we’ve had our downs. Super Bowls 17 & 19 and the entire past 6 years.

After last season’s 1-15, we had a huge fight. Said things to each other that neither of us can ever take back, then went our separate ways. I agreed to get back with you this September, but on a strictly casual basis. I had no expectations from you. I figure we’ll get together each Sunday, maybe one thing would lead to another and you might actually win 2-3 games. We’d have some laughs, joke about how bad our defense was without Jason Taylor, and kid that we can’t complete a pass for more than 5 yards. Since I expected nothing, I figured I couldn’t get emotionally invested. It was a safe relationship. The safest I’ve ever had with you. I was so looking forward to our new “fans with benefits” status.

All that has changed. It started when you beat the Pats. For the first time in years, my heart beat a little bit faster when I thought of you. Your name was mentioned on ESPN more often. I would surf the internet to get more info about you. Then you go and win 8 of the last 9 games. It’s like you are a completely different team than I have ever known. Your helmets sparkle brighter. Your run plays are more attractive. When the other team has the ball, I don’t throw up waiting for the impending long TD pass.

It’s so hard for me to say these things after all you have done to me, but, Miami Dolphins, I have fallen for you again. Damn you. Damn you. You’ve made me care again. Where once there was a dried up bit of coal now beats a heart full of hope and fanaticism.

I know how this might end, in the cruelest of fashions as you break my heart at a cold, windy, cesspool of a place called the Meadowlands. You’ve done it to me so many times before. While my head says you’ll do it again, the aqua and orange blood racing through my veins says to give you one more chance. That this time you will NOT leave me curled up in the fetal position as I chant in a catatonic state “Miami has the Dolphins, the greatest football team...” until paramedics are called to remove me for mine and my neighbors own good.

No this time will be different. Because you love us Dol-Fans. You really love us.

Right?

Co-dependently yours,

The Mascot



As if I really care about any of the other games, here are my picks for Week 17.

Raiders at Bucs -13
Lions at Packers -9.5
Cowboys +1 at Eagles
Giants at Vikings -6.5
Bears +2.5 at Texans
Panthers at Saints +3
Rams +14 at Falcons
Chiefs at Bengals -3
Jaguars +12 at Ravens
Titans -3 at Colts
Browns at Steelers -10.5
Dolphins +2.5 at Jets
Patriots -6.5 at Bills
Seahawks at Cardinals -6
Redskins at 49ers -3
Denver +8 at Chargers

Last Week 7-9
Season 119-113-7

Real Picks
Steelers -11 over Browns
Pats/Bills Under 42.5
Bucs -13 over Raiders

Last week 2-3
Season 28-26-4

Week 16 - Prayer

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When I played youth league soccer, the coach designated me as the official leader of the pregame prayer. I can’t recall why this ritual started. Miami is not what you call a particularly religious community (Santeria being the exception). Just all of a sudden, in mid season, the coach decided it would be a good idea.

The team would huddle in a circle and we all bowed our heads. I would recite some short prayer I recalled from Mass, Nick our midfielder would fart, everyone would giggle, and we concluded with an “Amen” that was screamed so as to intimidate the other team. At the time, I thought it was silly, but I now realize what that coach lacked in actual coaching technique he made up for by being a trend setter in sport.

Flash forward a “few” years and now prayer is as much a part of the game as the Gatorade shower. The players pray before the game. They huddle up to pray after the game. They praise God in the post game interview (except after losing.) Today our football games are so full of prayer that after watching them I feel the urge to renew my catechistic vows.

Since speaking to God has become such a big part of the game, I have become the world’s first sports prayerologist. Being a specialist in the area of heavenly beseeching, I’ll give you insight on a few of this weekend’s pregame prayers. This is privileged information known only by the teams, God and the NSA.

By Tony Romo- “Please Lord, have Ray Lewis put me out of my misery so I no longer endure the constant bickering from the women in my life- Jessica and T.O.”

By the Dolphins- “Seriously Lord, what you’ve done for us this season after what we went through last year, we got nothing to ask. Okay, maybe one thing - unload Joey Porter’s gun.”

By the 49ers- “Lord, let us play better because we cannot bear to see any more parts of Coach Singletary’s bare anatomy.”

By Andy Reid- “Lord, let us win this game and play hard…hard…hard. Hardee’s. Hardee’s burgers. Lord, let there be a Hardee’s near the stadium.”

Combined prayer of Browns, Bengals, Rams, Chiefs and Seahawks- “Lord, send us back in time to an era when the season was only 14 games long.”

By the Cardinals- “Lord, we really don’t want to play in this weather. And since we really don’t need this game, would we go to hell if we just forfeited?”

By the Lions- “Please God, let us win one game. Going 0-16 would be like getting a sports STD with no amount of penicillin that will remove it.”

Below are my picks for Week 16. (Note: Pray before use)

Ravens +4.5 at Cowboys
Steelers at Titans +2
Dolphins at Chiefs +3.5
Cardinals at Patriots -7.5
Bengals +2.5 at Browns
Eagles at Redskins +4.5
49ers -5.5 at Rams
Falcons at Vikings -3.5
Saints at Lions +7
Panthers +3.5 at Giants
Jets at Seahawks +5
Texans -7 at Raiders
Bills +7 at Broncos
Chargers at Bucs -4
Packers at Bears -5

Thursday 0-1

Last Week 4-9-3
Season 112-105-7

Heavenly Picks
Pats/Cardinals Under 44.5
Lions +7 over Saints
Buffalo +7 over Broncos
Seahawks +5 over Jets
Bucs -4 over Chargers

Last week 1-1-1
Season 26-23-4

Week 15- I'm shocked, shocked!

They say the NFL is full of surprises, but is it really? Shouldn’t we have known ahead of time many of the events that occurred this season. You can see it coming like a Brett Favre 4th quarter interception.

Here are my picks for Week 15 with some things that have shocked me just like Capt. Renault was shocked to learn there was gambling at Rick’s.

My picks are in bold.

Packers -2 at Jaguars
I’m shocked, shocked, that a team is out of the playoffs that let go of a hall of fame QB in favor of one who had NEVER started a game .

Lions +17 at Colts
I’m shocked, shocked, that giving the President and GM position to a guy right out of the broadcast booth would drive a franchise to historic depths.

Redskins -6.5 at Bengals
I’m shocked, shocked, that a first year head coach who calls out a star player loses respect of his million dollar players.

Bucs at Falcons -3
I’m shocked, shocked, that a team with a QB who can complete forward passes is doing better than they were with a guy who could hit the broadside of barn.

49ers +6.5 at Dolphins
I’m shocked, shocked, that a team full of players scared ****less of losing their job are playing incredibly better. (can apply to both teams.)

Seahawks -3 at Rams
I’m shocked, shocked, that players would not give 100% to a head coach they know will not be their head coach in 3 more weeks.

Bills at Jets -7
I’m shocked, shocked, the Jets are not showing off their historic championship mettle at the end of the season.

Titans -3.5 at Texans
I’m shocked, shocked, (see Bucs Falcons comment)

Steelers at Ravens -2
I’m shocked, shocked, that a wide receiver for the Steelers would actually try to hit those poor little Ravens defender whose only desire in the world is to decapitate their opposition.

Broncos +7.5 at Panthers
I’m shocked, shocked, that a Broncos running back would get hurt for the season.

Chargers -5 at Chiefs
I’m shocked, shocked, that Norv Turner has spun a successful franchise right around and has them heading downward.

Vikings at Cardinals -3
I’m shocked, shocked, that doing beer bongs with coeds did not prepare Matt Leinart to be a starting QB.

Patriots -7 at Raiders
I’m shocked, shocked, at absolutely nothing that Al Davis says or does.

Giants +3 at Cowboys
I’m shocked, shocked, that Terrell Owens would utter even the slightest criticism of his starting QB.

Browns at Eagles +14.5
I’m shocked, shocked, ESPN has to pay for the rights to broadcast this game. (Seriously, I am shocked.)

Thursday 0-0-1
Last Week 8-8
Season 108-95-5

Picks that aren't so shocking

Bears -3 over Saints
49ers +6.5 over Dolphins
Giants +3 over Cowboys

This Week 0-0-1
Last week 1-2
Season 25-22-4