Week 3- No where to go but rock bottom

Last Sunday, I suffered a crisis of confidence that shook me to my very foundation. It made me question all things I once held true. The roundness of the Earth. The naturalness of Jimmy Johnson’s hair. The true commitment Jon and Kate have for their children.

It all unraveled for me as I watched my picks, one after the other, go down in flames. Out of the 14 games on Sunday, I got 12 wrong. It was so bad that wining my Sunday and Monday night picks doubled my weekly win total.

It caused me to endure the five stages of loss:

Denial- There is no friggin way the Bengals that I watched on Hard Knocks could beat the Packers. I refused to believe it to the point I attempted to cash my Packers bet at the sports book. It took the casino director 15 minutes to explain that indeed the Cincinnati Bengals scored more points, on the road, against my pick to win the NFC.

Anger- I wailed that this was the stupidest sport ever. With its stupid little odd shaped ball. And with those stupid pads they wear. And the stupid guys wearing black and white shirts with yellow hankies. And the stupid way the Patriots couldn’t score a touchdown against the stupid Jets. This game is just stupid.

Bargaining- I’m sorry football, I really didn’t mean that. You know I love you baby. Com’on. Stop your pouting. I promise to watch you on Sundays and buy into everything you say about how all the players are clean of steroids. Please baby, please just let me win one 3 team parlay.

Depression- I guess this is my fate. I suck at picking football games. How can I look myself in the mirror with my faded Dan Marino jersey on? Sure, technically he was not a winner either, but he looked a hell of a lot better in knee braces than I do. My life could not be any worse unless I was Detroit Lion season ticket holder. Maybe I should just resign myself to betting WNBA pre-season games.

Acceptance- As I stared into the abyss that is my prognosticating life, I heard a voice cry out to me. I did not recognize it at first but soon I realized it was the soothing, loving voice of my dear wife.
“You got only 4 right! Geez, I know nothing about football and I could’ve done better than that. Seriously. Wow you suck.”
With the reality of my situation staring me straight in the face in the form of the most supportive person in my life, I gave in.

“Screw it! If you’re so damn smart, you make the #$@%ing picks,” I ever so calmly retorted.

And thus, this week’s picks are courtesy of a woman who knows absolutely nothing about football. When I asked her what was her reasoning for each of the 16 picks, she simply responded “None.”

I fear with that logic, she is going to do awesome.

Her (and thus my) picks are in bold:

Titans +2.5 at Jets
Jaguars +4 at Texans
Chiefs at Eagles -9.5
Browns +13.5 at Ravens
Giants -7 at Bucs
Redskins at Lions +6.5
Packers at Rams +6.5
49ers at Vikings -7
Falcons +4 at Patriots
Bears at Seahawks +1.5
Saints -5.5 at Bills
Dolphins +6.5 at Chargers
Steelers at Bengals +4.5
Broncos +2 at Raiders
Colts at Cardinals -3
Panthers at Cowboys -9

Last week picks 4-12
Season: 13-19