All Bets are Off!

The NFL is back and this season is shaping up to be one of the craziest ever. I mean bat-shit, who took the medication away from the emo chick and got her drunk, kind of crazy.

The season has not even started yet and we have seen:

Franchised QBs talk themselves out of town,
Offensive coordinators get fired for losing practice games
Head coaches breaking assistant’s faces
Receivers becoming kickers
Dog fighters becoming Quarterbacks
Linebackers becoming assaulters
Retirees becoming starters
The guy who made the greatest catch in Super Bowl history becoming unemployed

All this and we haven’t had our first blown instant replay call of the regular season.

I am literally scared about what the season could bring. I might have to watch every Sunday with the lights on and a blanket wrapped around me. I plan on watch the Saw film anthology just to get me to relax after a weekend of games.

Clouded by this uncertainty, I will persevere and make my annual bold predictions for the season. While in past years, I urged people to bet their mortgage on my picks, this year I am not making such a claim. Really, who has a mortgage any more?

Last year, I correctly predicted that the Steelers would win the Super Bowl. This year, I can’t even guarantee there will be a Super Bowl. At the rate players are getting suspended, teams may not have enough to field a team.

There is no safer bet than the San Diego Chargers winning their division. There is also no safer bet than they will lose a winnable playoff game by blowing a 4th quarter lead.

Bill Belichick will check himself into rehab for a gambling addiction. There is no other explanation for him cutting every experienced back up QB on his roster. Cutting his experienced backups even after watching Haynesworth crush Brady is like doubling down on 20 in blackjack.

The Lions will have more wins than last year. There, I said it. Who’s joining me out here on the limb?

The Ravens will win less games than they did last year. Joe Flacco meets the sophomore slump. Plus Rex Ryan leaving is going to take some sharpness from that defense. Speaking of sharpness, Ray Ray put down that knife. I promise I didn’t mean any of this prediction.

Brett Favre will make 5 unbelievably great “I can’t believe what I just saw” plays this season.

Brett Favre will make 15 unbelievably terrible “What the hell was he thinking” plays this season.

(These two predictions are verbatim from last year. I stand by them again this year.)

After being arrested for assault, Tom Cable will immediately be given a contract extension by the Raiders.

Michael Vick will throw for as many TD passes this year and Scooby Doo.

Jeff Garcia will finally find a team that will let him start…in the UFL.

Tony Dungy will take on the case of rehabilitating Bernie Madoff, Gov. Mark Sanford, and Tom Sizemore.

I will witness a grown man wearing a Jets’ jersey cry like a baby because he lost his 5 team teaser when the Cardinals take a knee instead of going for the cover.

The NFL Network will launch a second channel dedicated to airing Peyton and Eli Manning commercials 24 hours a day.

No team whose mascot name starts with the letter B will make the playoffs.

These teams that will make the playoffs are:
Patriots, Steelers, Chargers, Colts, Titans and Jaguars
Giants, Packers, Seahawks, Eagles, Vikings and Saints

The teams that will play in the Super Bowl are:
Patriots and Packers

The Pats will get their revenge from Super Bowl XXXI

Are you ready for some football?

Big Game Prediction

In my preseason predictions, I boldly stated the Steelers would win Super Bowl XLIII.
http://blamethemascot.blogspot.com/2008/09/real-predictions-for-nfl-season.html

Legal Department Note: We have been issued a cease and desist order on using the term Super Bowl by the NFL. From now one, please use a different term.

In my preseason predictions, I boldly stated the Steelers would win the Superb Bowel. It's not often my pre-season picks come true (I picked Seattle to win the NFC), but since I made it this far with my prediction, I can’t quit on them now.

The Steelers will beat the Cardinals Superb Bowel XLIII and it will not be close.

Before the championship game two Sundays ago, the head of the Las Vegas Hilton sports book was on the radio. When asked what he thought the line on a possible Steelers/Cardinals match up would be, he said off the top of his head it would be at least 10 points.

When the matchup occurred, everyone in town settle on 6 ½ points and that is where it stayed. My point is that the spread should have been more and everyone is just caught up with the whole underdog story. The books realized this and did not want to put out a big line enticing everyone to jump on the underdog. So they set a line lower than they really thought the game would because they knew that this would get enough action on both sides.

I’m not buying it. The Steelers are the far superior team. The Cardinals have been dreadful on the road this year. Their only big road win (against the Panthers) required not just a bad performance by the opposing QB but a HISTORICALLY bad performance. If the Eagles had showed up to play in the first half, they would have won that game. The Steelers simply have the better team.

So make that last minute call to your friend who has a cousin who knows a bookie. Take that money you were going to spend to pay your second mortgage and put it all on the Steelers. So what if you lose and end up defaulting. You’ll just be eligible for the inevitable federal bailout. Win-Win.

Last week 2-0
Year 132-125-8

Championship Weekend Picks

Due to the fact I have chosen the height of the football playoffs to relocate, I could not give the intense, thorough, analytical dissection of today's games that you have come to expect.

Instead I sought advice from Vinnie, from Vinnie's Moving Service. There slogan is "We break it, you buy it."

Eagles at Cardinals

"Hey, I gots a cousin Vinnie from Philly as he says the whole town is completely outta their heads over the Eagles. He don't see hows they can loss. This is also the same guy who told me there was no way my house would depreciate buy more than 5 percents and that I should move all my investments into auto company stock. He might be blood, but he's an idiot. Take the Cards and the points."

Cardinals +4 over Eagles

Ravens and Steelers

"Hey, I gots a cousin Vinny, but Vinny with a "y" since my cousin is a she, who lives in Pittsburgh but is dating some goomba from Baltimore. I love her since she's blood, but I don't care for him. I can't say any more since I am currently involved in some sensitive litigation with him over the misunderstanding of some broken furniture I moved for him and the ensuing broken jaw he suffered after complaining about said furniture. Let's just says, nothing would bring be more pleasure than to see that guy's favorite team go down in a hurling pile of stinkin' flames."

Steelers -6 over Ravens

There you have it. From the very reliable mouth of Vinnie, who also promises me that my three piece sectional couch looks better now that it is an eight and a half sectional couch.

Last week 1-3
Year 130-125-8

Division Round- Taking it to the Streets

Like I did last year, I checked in with a fan of each team playing this weekend in order to get a better handle on which team will win. I find the physical and mental well being of a team’s fans has a direct correlation to their success... or failure.

Ravens Fan- I have completely forgone dental care for 10 years in order to pay for these season tickets. I need them to win another Super Bowl to validate the fact I whistle every time I speak.



Titans Fan- I don’t understand. Explain to me again the concept of “stereotype.”

My Pick: Titans -3 over Ravens

Cardinals Fan- What paint? Oh no, this was all caused by too much time in the Arizona sun. I am actually spraying Lanacane. I am just hoping the hair on my head will grow back.

Panthers Fan- Last year when the team went through like eight quarterbacks, I gave Coach Fox a tryout. Anything happen to Jake this time, he promised to call me but I don’t see how that will work since I got this court order to keep 500 feet away from any Panther player.

My pick: Cardinals +10 at Panthers

Giants Fan: I use to work at Lehman Brothers. I use to make $200,000 a year. I use to not have to live with my parents. I use to have self respect.

Eagles Fan: So what you changed my diaper? You want an f-in’ medal? Now, go gets me a beer, a cheese steak and McNabb’s head.

My pick: Giants -4 over Eagles

Chargers Fan: Grrrr. Aren't we mean looking? Aren't you scared to play in our house?! Okay I’m sorry. We Chargers fans just can’t do “intimidating” like Raider fan.

Steelers Fan: As a matter of fact, I am currently “single,” but that’s only because the ladies don’t understand me. They think I am crazy or something but I’m not. I do wear a helmet!

My pick: Chargers +6.5 at Steelers


Last Week 2-2
Season 129-122-8


Real Picks
Ravens/Titans over 34 ½
Giants -4 over Eagles

Year 32-29-4