Saturday, July 14, 2007

Offensive calls

Every time Alex Rodriguez hits a home run, the Yankees’ radio broadcasters do something very disturbing. First, Susan Waldman has an orgasm. Actually, I not sure if she REALLY is having one, I can never tell the real thing from the fake one.

Then John Sterling gives his signature call “It’s an A-Bomb,… from A-Rod!”

Does any one else think this just might be a little distasteful? At the very least it’s a bit dated since it sounds like a call from the 1950s when the A-Bomb was still cool. There are two teammates of A-Rod who very well might have had distant relatives who endured the only A-Bomb ever used in war. How does that conversation go?

Hideki Matsui: “So let me understand, the announcer-san is equating you hitting ball over wall with unleashing power of the sun to wipe hundreds of thousands of people?”

A-Rod: “Yeah, isn’t it a hoot?”

Fortunately, this conversation probably never occurred since:
a) Matsui doesn’t speak English that well and,
b) no one on the Yankees actually speaks to A-Rod.

But the “A-Bomb for A-Rod” got me thinking about other offensive calls that are just waiting to be said by some insensitive or liquored up announcer. Here are some possibilities:

“Pull the plug on Schiavo, it’s another loss for Sacramento!”

“Reyes rounded those bases like he was crossing the Rio Grande!”

“Let the puppies drown, Michael Vick picked up a first down!”

“The Steelers beat the Dolphins like they were baby seals!”

“The Redskins special teams played like it was the Special Olympics.”

“That curve hung longer than Saddam Hussein.”

“Rolen is not just in La Russa’s doghouse, he’s in his Abu Ghraib!”

“Ray Lewis blew up that play like a IED!”

“That slider was sicker than kissing a cold sore.”

“Holy back acne, it’s a home run for Giambi!”

“The Chiefs should have aborted that play...and had Herm pay for it.”

“Grossman was so clueless out there, he’ll be taking the shorts bus back to the hotel!”

“Pierre stole that base like it was a freshman’s virginity”

And the most offensive of all…

“Barry Bonds is the new home run king of all time!”

Feel free to share other offensive calls that have yet to be uttered.