Saturday, October 30, 2010

Week 8- I doth pick'em

In honor of this week’s NFL game being hosted in the land of Shakespeare, I give you a couplet that sums up each of my picks.

The sound you hear is the Bard spinning and cursing in his grave. Thank goodness he doesn’t have access to a lawyer.

As always, my picks for the losing team is in bold.

Broncos +2 at 49ers
Singletary was once a great backer
By next week he’ll be an office packer

Jaguars at Cowboys -6.5
Cowboy fans cry ‘bout the hurtin’ Romo
Next year they’ll wail ‘bout head coach Del Rio

Redskins +2.5 at Lions
The Lions are locks to cover as dogs
But once favored, bet the bank on the Hogs

Packers +6 at Jets
Logic doth tell me to go with the Jets
Hatred prevents me so lose will my bets

Panthers at Rams -3
A broke finger may keep Jackson from game
Hall Famer Ron Lott doth think this is lame

Dolphins +2 at Bengals
Dolphins be cursed when they have home cooking
Bengals can’t win when Carson is throwing

Bills at Chiefs -7.5
Last game did the Bills look good when they led
Ugly shall they be at new Arrowhead

Titans at Chargers -3.5
As sure as the sun doth rise in the East
Chargers will win in the AFC Least

Bucs at Cardinals -3
Oh Kurt, Oh Warner, please come back and play
No chance there is Max Hall lasts through Sunday

Seattle +2 at Raiders
Quiet lest you awake sleeping old Al
Should he arise he shall fire Cable

Vikings at Patriots -6.5
Many a joke I can make ‘bout this pick
Refrain I shall since it’ll end with a ____

Steelers at Saints -1
Orleans be alit on All Hallow’s Eve
No way Pittsburgh shall get’ Big Ben to leave

Texans at Colts -5.5
If total be twenty take the over
On number of times Gruden doth slobber

Last Week 6-8
Year 55-45-4

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Week 7- Suspensions

The NFL is flexing its 42 inch pythons once again. After a weekend of particularly brutal hits that left players concussed and NFL execs with arthritis from all their hand wringing, the league is going to start doling out suspensions for players who commit illegal hits. I blame Rodney Harrison for this. He admitted on Sunday Night Football that fines never concerned him when he was playing. It was the time he was suspended from games that hurt him the most. (What’s funny about this, he was not suspended for dirty hits, but for using PEDs. Funny, no one on the set mentioned this.)

Well Rodney, thanks for completely ruining it for the future generations of head hunters.

But since the NFL is at it, I have a few suggestions of other offenses that should lead to immediate suspensions.

Any offensive player who is playing at home and is called for illegal motion. You were just told the count 10 seconds ago. The crowd is quiet since you are at home and YOU STILL MOVE BEFORE THE SNAP. That’s just dumb.

Any coach who calls a timeout right before the of a field goal attempt in which the kick still gets off. This is just petty and kind of nerdy. Its like when the geeky kid who would call time out during dodgeball just because he was bleeding profusely from the nose and lip. These coaches just need to let it play continue…unless the blood loss causes unconsciousness.

Any referee who takes longer than 2 minutes to review a call. I swear that refs are scarfing down a hot dog and nachos under that hood. It is the only explanation for the length of time they take to make a review call when the rest of us can see the play clearly.

Any player who celebrates a first down when his team is losing by 10 or more points. Let’s call this the “Roy Williams Rule.”

Any receiver who immediately calls for a flag after an incomplete pass. As soon as the ball gets past them, they start looking around and tossing up their hand like they are sprinkling the air with confetti. This is just like soccer player who raise their hands for offside as the opponent is blasting by them to score. In both cases, it is insane since the ref is going not going to call based on your histrionics…they are going to call it based on who paid them off the most before the game. Duh.

The NFL needs to apply these rules this weekend!

Sticking with my warped system for 2010, my pick for the losing team is in bold.
Steelers -3 at Dolphins
Bengals at Falcons -3.5
Jaguars +9.5 at Chiefs
Eagles +3 at Titans
Redskins at Bears -2.5
Browns at Saints -13
Bills at Ravens -13
49ers at Panthers +3
Rams at Bucs -3
Cardinals at Seahawks -6
Patriots +2.5 at Chargers
Raiders +8 at Broncos
Vikings at Packers -2.5
Giants at Cowboys -3

Last Week 7-5-2
Year 49-37-4

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Week 6- The .00001% Chance

Modern technology
Testosterone Based Thinking
Uncomfortable Talking Points for ESPN’s SportsCenter

In the past year or so, it seems we have a growing epidemic on our hands of male athletes and the inappropriate use of modern communication device. (Bonus game- count the number of double entendres in that sentence.)

People have expressed dismay at the boorish behavior of our modern day sports heroes. This shock is akin to Captain Renault’s shock that there was gambling going on at Rick’s. This should not come as a shock since all men, from pro athletes to road side construction crews, share the same decision making process. When a man is presented with a choice (any choice), he goes though the Male Decision Making Model. The model can be applied to any situation a man could face. It consists of asking himself the following set of questions:

1. Is this the best thing for me and my family?
2. Would this increase the percentage likelihood of me getting laid?
3. Is that percentage increase higher than .00001%?
4. I forgot. What was that first question?

It’s really that simple. Take the alleged incident involving a certain NFL QB. Most of the people I speak with say “Why the hell would he take photos of his “person” and send it over the phone? Did he really think this would impress her?”

The answer is “Yes, he did.” Seriously, using the .00001% threshold, you could see there being that percentage chance of a woman opening a text message with such a photo and thinking “Oh my! That’s the most romantic thing I’ve seen since ‘The Notebook.’” Remember, there are women out there willing marry serial killers…even after they have been convicted.

I completely understand how this scenario could have played out. Our QB hero sees an attractive woman. Later that night, he has a cell phone in his hand. While playing Tetrus on the phone, he accidentally discovers it can take photos and those photos can be texted. A light bulb goes off. As he changes that light bulb, an idea pops in his head. “What if I took snapshots of my “Joe Willie” and sent it to her. That’ll get her to come over.” Now, he’s not really sure if this is a good idea so he goes through the questions of the Male Decision Making Model:

1. Is this the best thing for me and my family?
“Umm, maybe, just maybe, my wife of 20+ years would not understand.”

2. Would this increase the percentage likelihood of me getting laid?
“Not sure. Have to do the calculations.”
In order to figure out the percentage increase, he takes out a sheet of paper and pencil to do the complex algebraic equation that only men know to do since it was taught to them when the guys were seperated from the girls in the special week of helath education.

3. Is that percentage increase higher than .00001%?
“Hey, it is higher than .00001%
(Secret tip: The equation always comes out higher than .00001%)

4. I forgot. What was that first question?
“I forgot. What was that first question?”

Suddenly, he puts on his Crocs, drops his draws and says cheese.

I hope this explanation helps clear up to you why a 40 year old man who has a beautiful wife and children, is adored my millions of fans, and makes millions more in product endorsements would risk it by taking photographic images of his private parts and send it to an unsuspecting woman. Allegedly.

Last week, I repeated my performance of the week earlier and went 8-6 on my picks. If I keep up this pace, I will eke out just enough profit this season to pay down my gambling debt from the baseball season.

As usual, I am picking the losing side, so the losers are in bold.

Chargers at Rams +8.5
Chiefs at Texans -4
Ravens +2.5 at Patriots
Saints -4.5 at Bucs
Falcons at Eagles -2.5
Lions +10 at Giants
Seahawks and Bears -6
Dolphins +3 at Packers
Browns at Steelers -14
Jets at Broncos +3.5
Raiders +7 at 49ers
Cowboys +1.5 at Vikings
Colts -3 at Redskins
Titans -3 at Jaguars

Last Week 8-6
Year 42-32-2

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Week 5- Shocking News

This week, we had a bombshell of a news story slap us across the cheek.

Allegedly, some aging superstar QB sent an attractive contract employee of an NFL team some lurid and suggestive messages along with photographic evidence that he was, in fact, a man. Storm clouds are brewing as the coverage of this story grows and certain image conscious sport/entertainment networks decide to report on it.

This story could end up be very, very bad for this QB. Of course, it got me thinking of other made up stories that, if they were alleged, could have even greater shock and awe value.

Tony Dungy secretly own three brothels in Nevada.

Jim Caldwell calls all of the Colts offensive plays and Peyton is just is puppet.

Those messages and pics mentioned above were really intended to be sent to Brad Childress

TO and Ochocinco get married on a special VH1 crossover episode of their two reality shows.

In order to recuperate from his torn ACL so quickly and effectively, Wes Welker sold over 75% equity ownership of his soul to the devil.

The Dolphins Special Teams unit had pooled all their paychecks and bet on the Patriots last week.

Aaron Rodgers and Ryan from “The Office” are, in fact, the same person.

When they go under the hood to “review a play,” the referee is really speaking to John Madden and he tells him what call to make.

The NFL’s decision to expand to 18 games had to do with satisfying fans and nothing to do with money.

After another winning week, I am not going to buck my trend of picking the losing side. Losers are in bold.

Broncos at Ravens -7.5
Jaguars +1 at Bills
Chiefs at Colts -7
Rams at Lions -3
Falcons -3 at Browns
Bucs at Bengals-6.5
Bears +2.5 at Panthers
Packers -3 at Redskins
Giants at Texans -3
Saints -7 at Cardinals
Chargers -6.5 at Raiders
Titans +7 at Cowboys
Eagles at 49ers -3.5
Vikings at Jets -4

Last Week 8-6
Year 34-26-2

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Week 4- Panic!

It’s week 4 of the NFL, also known as “Holy crap, my team sucks!” week for a good portion of the league.

For Lions fans, this week happened once the 2010 schedule was announced.

I just spent a week in Denver listening to local sports fans bitch and moan over the Broncos ineptness in scoring points, there lack of any hope of a winning season, and the fact their head coach needs to be carded when he picks up a pack of cigs. Their only bright spot for the future has been relegated to third string emergency QB duty. (Yeah, Denver spent the 25th overall pick on a third string QB).

The beauty of football is that, unlike say baseball and basketball, there is not another game in the next day or two to ease one’s nerves. Football fans have a full 6-7 days to allow their anxiety and frustration to grow and ferment like a fine wine or moonshine. During this week, the fans go through the five stages of grief:

Raiders and Saints fan- “Damn my standard, low definition TV. It makes it look like he missed that kick. Of course he didn’t. No one misses a kick from less than 30 yards.”

Broncos fan- “How the hell can we put up over 500 yards of offense in a game and score only 17 points. Do you think our idiot head coach would put in for a 4th and goal play the guy holding the clipboard who won a friggin Heisman scoring on one yard plays!”

Lions fan- “Okay. In a month we will get back our starting QB, just in time to play the Bills. At least we will win that game so we don’t repeat 2008.”

Bills fan- “Okay. In a month, we will give up on playing a quarterback and strictly hike it to Spiller, just in time to play the Lions. At least we will win that game so we don’t pull a Lions.

Giants Fan- “Oh gawd, dis team sucks. Manning sucks. Coughlin sucks. The defense sucks. Bloomberg sucks. New Jersey sucks. AJ Burnett sucks. My mother-in-law’s lasagna sucks. The traffic on the GW sucks. The Global Initiative on Climate Change sucks. Geez, at least da Knicks aren’t in last place…yet.”

Jaguars fan- “Hey, no worries. This team is going to be Los Angeles’ problem in a couple years.”

I have no reason to feel depressed since last week I found myself back on the winning track by sticking with my system of picking losers. If it ain’t broke…

Below are my picks for Week 4 with the losing side in bold.

Broncos at Titans -6.5
Ravens +2 at Steelers
Bengals -3 at Browns
Lions +14.5 at Packers
Panthers +13.5 at Saints
49ers at Falcons -7
Seahawks at Rams +1
Jets -5.5 at Bills
Colts -7 at Jaguars
Texans -3.5 at Raiders
Cardinals at Chargers -8.5
Redskins +6 at Eagles
Bears +4 at Giants
Patriots at Miami +1

Last Week 10-6
Year 26-20-2