Sunday, January 18, 2009

Championship Weekend Picks

Due to the fact I have chosen the height of the football playoffs to relocate, I could not give the intense, thorough, analytical dissection of today's games that you have come to expect.

Instead I sought advice from Vinnie, from Vinnie's Moving Service. There slogan is "We break it, you buy it."

Eagles at Cardinals

"Hey, I gots a cousin Vinnie from Philly as he says the whole town is completely outta their heads over the Eagles. He don't see hows they can loss. This is also the same guy who told me there was no way my house would depreciate buy more than 5 percents and that I should move all my investments into auto company stock. He might be blood, but he's an idiot. Take the Cards and the points."

Cardinals +4 over Eagles

Ravens and Steelers

"Hey, I gots a cousin Vinny, but Vinny with a "y" since my cousin is a she, who lives in Pittsburgh but is dating some goomba from Baltimore. I love her since she's blood, but I don't care for him. I can't say any more since I am currently involved in some sensitive litigation with him over the misunderstanding of some broken furniture I moved for him and the ensuing broken jaw he suffered after complaining about said furniture. Let's just says, nothing would bring be more pleasure than to see that guy's favorite team go down in a hurling pile of stinkin' flames."

Steelers -6 over Ravens

There you have it. From the very reliable mouth of Vinnie, who also promises me that my three piece sectional couch looks better now that it is an eight and a half sectional couch.

Last week 1-3
Year 130-125-8

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Division Round- Taking it to the Streets

Like I did last year, I checked in with a fan of each team playing this weekend in order to get a better handle on which team will win. I find the physical and mental well being of a team’s fans has a direct correlation to their success... or failure.

Ravens Fan- I have completely forgone dental care for 10 years in order to pay for these season tickets. I need them to win another Super Bowl to validate the fact I whistle every time I speak.

Titans Fan- I don’t understand. Explain to me again the concept of “stereotype.”

My Pick: Titans -3 over Ravens

Cardinals Fan- What paint? Oh no, this was all caused by too much time in the Arizona sun. I am actually spraying Lanacane. I am just hoping the hair on my head will grow back.

Panthers Fan- Last year when the team went through like eight quarterbacks, I gave Coach Fox a tryout. Anything happen to Jake this time, he promised to call me but I don’t see how that will work since I got this court order to keep 500 feet away from any Panther player.

My pick: Cardinals +10 at Panthers

Giants Fan: I use to work at Lehman Brothers. I use to make $200,000 a year. I use to not have to live with my parents. I use to have self respect.

Eagles Fan: So what you changed my diaper? You want an f-in’ medal? Now, go gets me a beer, a cheese steak and McNabb’s head.

My pick: Giants -4 over Eagles

Chargers Fan: Grrrr. Aren't we mean looking? Aren't you scared to play in our house?! Okay I’m sorry. We Chargers fans just can’t do “intimidating” like Raider fan.

Steelers Fan: As a matter of fact, I am currently “single,” but that’s only because the ladies don’t understand me. They think I am crazy or something but I’m not. I do wear a helmet!

My pick: Chargers +6.5 at Steelers

Last Week 2-2
Season 129-122-8

Real Picks
Ravens/Titans over 34 ½
Giants -4 over Eagles

Year 32-29-4

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Wild Card Weekend- It's Like You Know

My picks in bold.

Falcons at Cardinals +1.5
You are back in high school. Your parents are leaving you alone for the weekend so of course you decide to have a killer house party. And this house is perfect for it. You’ve got a hug swimming pool, a game room with billiards and video games, and a fully loaded bar. You invite everyone at your school and even at the neighboring high school. Party night comes and only your five fellow members of the Mu Alpha Theta math club show up. You spend the night watching “A Beautiful Mind” and critiquing John Nash's theories.

Isn’t that how the Cardinals must feel? This is the first home playoff game they have had since they moved to Arizona. This is the first home playoff game for the Cardinals franchise in 60 years! And yet, they needed two extensions in order to sell out the game before the local blackout date.

They need to move to a new high school...I mean new city.

Colts -1.5 at Chargers
It’s The Class vs. The Ass. Manning is universally hailed as the poster child for the NFL. Polite. Great in commercials. Does charity work with the United Way.

On the other hand, Phillip Rivers looks like the guy that, while incredibly talented, no one really wants to be around because he is always chirping and yelping and talking crap. His teammates will defend him in public because they have to, but privately he was the one guy who was “accidentally” not invited to the end of the year bash at Shawne Merriman’s house.

Ravens -3 at Dolphins
You’re in Vegas and before you even check into the hotel you slip $20 into a slot machine. DING DING! You hit it for $5000. Now you are set for the trip. You can gamble to your heart's content and never have to worry about visiting an ATM or doing amateur porn for extra cash (a real option in Vegas).

That is exactly how the Dolphins must feel after beating the Jets last week and winning the division. They are playing with House money. And when you do that, the House always gets its money back.

Eagles at Vikings +3
The Vikings also had a hard time selling out their playoff game but that is because Vikings fans have zero faith in their team. Then again, Eagle fans have even less faith (negative faith?) in their team.

So this game ends up being a battle of the atheists. Symbols of faith or beliefs will be prohibited on the field and in the stands. The pre-game prayer will be replaced with players gathering to discuss plans for the offseason. None of the coach’s headsets will be plugged in while the QB helmets will play Marilyn Manson.

By halftime. I expect the stadium to be swallowed up by a black hole.

Last Week 8-7-1
Season 127-120-8