Sunday, November 28, 2010

Week 12- Let's Go to the (Music) Video!

In honor of last Sunday was the American Music Awards, here is the American Football Music Awards!

Each of this week’s picks comes with a music video that best exemplifies that game.

Remember, my picks for the losing team in bold

Vikings PK at Redskins
Def Leppard’s Photograph

Steelers at Bills +6.5
Bob Marley’s Buffalo Soldier

Titans at Texans -6.5
Jay Z’s Forever Young (Get it Fisher)

Jaguars +7 at Giants
Ryan Adam’s New York, New York (An underappreciated New York Anthem)

Panthers +10 at Browns
The Presidents of the United States’ Cleveland Rocks (Just not in sports)

Bucs +7.5 at Ravens
Randy Newman’s Baltimore

Eagles -3.5 at Bears
’85 Chicago Bears Super Bowl Shuffle (Feels like a long time ago huh Bears fans)

Packers +2.5 at Falcons
Ray Charles’ Georgia on my Mind

Dolphins at Oakland -3
Jimmy Buffet’s Fins

Chiefs at Seattle +1.5
Nirvana’s Smells Like Teen Spirit

Rams at Broncos -4
The Buggles- Video Killed the Head coach…err… I mean the Video Star

Chargers +3 at Colts
Cast of Anchorman’s Afternoon Delight (from the funniest movie ever set in San Diego)

49ers at Cardinals +1

REM’s It’s the End of the World (These two awful teams playing on MNF might just be the 5th sign of the apocolype)

Thursday 1-2
Last Week 9-7
Year 89-70-4

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Thanks Football!

The top ten things every football fan should be thankful for this Thanksgiving:

10. The NFL puts the safety and well being of its players on the top of their priority list, just behind having them play more games and paying them less money.

9. Roger Goodell burning all the tapes from the Patriots’ Spygate. This way we fans will not be burdened with the knowledge of what was really videotaped.

8. Parody. At the start of the season, every team has a legitimate chance of making the playoffs …or finishing in last place.

7. Gus Johnson calling games.

6. The Colts and Patriots having to play each other every season.

5. The Lions and Bills not having to play each other every season.

4. The NFL’s logical fine system.
Illegal hit during the run of play = $75,000 fine
Assault and battery after the play is over = $25,000 (least the hit wasn’t to the head. Oh wait, it was.)

3. It is the best soap opera on TV since Melrose Place got cancelled. See all the over the top melodrama that goes on between games. See- Vikings, Favre, Fisher v. Young, TO, Rex Ryan, etc.

2. Post game press conference meltdowns!

1. Not one, not two, but three football games on Thursday gives you three opportunities to ignore your family during Thanksgiving.

There is one more thing to be thankful for- my picks! Staying with my theme this year, the losing team is in bold

Patriots at Lions +7
Saints at Cowboys +3.5
Bengals +9 at Jets

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Week 11- Why read stories when you have Headlines

I am like most American in that I have a very busy schedule. As I spend my dedicated 12 hours per day web surfing, I do not have time to read the actual article. I just scan the headline. I am sure I get all the in-depth coverage I need from those bold font titles.

So for this week’s game, forget about watching the game. My predicted post game headlines tell you everything you need to know.

My picks for the losing side are in bold. I might listen to me if I were me, since I went 11-3 last week.

Al Davis awakens to find Raiders in first place, believe he is living in 1977.
Raiders +7.5 at Steelers

Texans fall behind early. Comeback halted by [insert interception, fumble, bear eating team]
Texans at Jets -6.5

Coach Fox gets ice cream vendor to QB for 4th quarter
Ravens -11 at Panthers

Redskins improve from “embarrassment” to “just getting beat.”
Redskins +7 at Titans

Tony Who? Kitna stakes claim to be the future of Cowboys, says inebriated Jones.
Lions at Cowboys -6

Favre blames sore tonsils for 5 interception game
Packers -3 at Vikings

Bills forfeit game. Figure last week’s win was only one they were getting for the year.
Bills at Bengals -5

Jaguars blame Josh McDaniels for loss- “What kind of idiots trade Peyton Hillis?”
Browns +2 at Jaguars

Todd Haley refuses to shake Wisenhunt’s hand. Claims Cardinals should have armed tackled instead of wrapping up.
Cardinals +8 at Chiefs

Since he gave up Heisman, Bush ask Carroll to give up bonuses earned during 2005 season
Seahawks +11.5 at Saints

Rams play “California Dreamin’” after every touchdown. Is this a subtle hint?
Falcons -3 at Rams

Singletary finally get around to blaming God for loses
Bucs +3.5 at 49ers

Manning wins despite having cast of “Big World, Little People” as his receiving corp.
Colts +4 at Patriots

Vick morphs into his Madden Avatar. Gets sucked into the world of Tron.
Giants at Eagles -3.5

Babies demand River stop pouting. Says give them a bad name.
Broncos +9.5 at Chargers

Thursday 1-0
Last Week 11-3
Year 80-61-4

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Are you a true fan of Dolphins or Bears?

Five signs you are a true Bears fan:

1. You have the same hairdo as Brian Urlacher…and you are a woman.

2. You seriously believe Jay Cutler can lead the team to the Super Bowl this year.

3. You seriously believe Jay Cutler will finish the season will full use of all his limbs.

4. The Super Bowl Shuffle is on you iPod…and it’s the only song on your iPod.

5. You have petitioned the Vatican to canonize Mike Ditka.

Five (plus one) signs you are a true Dolphins fan

1. You have gotten in a fist fight defending the fact that Dan Marino is a winner.

2. The Dolphin fight song was also your wedding song.

3. You completely agree with that 8 year old kid getting tackled for wearing a Jets jersey…and you would have done it yourself if you had the chance.

4. You still call the stadium “Joe Robbie Stadium.”

5. You seriously believe that Greg Camarillo should have his jersey retired for scoring the winning touchdown that kept the Fins from going 0-16 in 2007.

6.- You are going to jinx the Fins’ Thursday night opponent by picking the Bears plus the 1.5 for the game.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Week 10- Coming Attractions

For each game this week, the NFL has requested that we come up with the one line preview that pops up on TV screens when you hit INFO on your remote.

Actually they didn’t technically ask me, but they also did not say not to do it so I take that as being as good as a request. As you can imagine, this kind of logic has gotten me in quite a bit of hot water in several US states and territories.

Just like for TV shows and movies, I’ve made these recaps more entertaining than the actual games will be.

My picks for the losing team is in bold.

Bengals +7 at Colts
Two former partners (Palmer and Ochocinco) find a way to rekindle their romance despite the fact the QB WONT THROW HIM THE DAMN BALL!

Texans +1.5 at Jaguars
It’s a fight against time as the stadium scoreboard operator tries to find enough bulbs to light up triple digits for each team’s score.

Titans at Dolphins +1.5
A washed up former QB is forced out of retirement by a desperate coach to save the team…and his job.

Vikings -1 at Bears
Remake of classic “Mutiny on the Bounty.” The crew of the SS Vikings throw their captain overboard and they live in exile lead by Fletcher Christian (Favre)

Lions at Bills -2.5
Stranded in a lifeless ice world, the Bills are forced into a fierce battle to preserve a last shred of dignity or else continue toward a winless season.

Jets -3 at Browns
By calling all out blitzes and setting bounties on kickers, two brothers battle for the love and respect of their crazed father.

Panthers at Bucs -7
A plucky band of Buccaneers rally together and play their hearts out in a desperate attempt to get the local townsfolk to notice them.

Chiefs at Broncos +1
Despite making a long series of idiotic mistakes, a bumbling head coach leads his team to one more chance not to embarrass itself.

Rams +6 at 49ers
A down on his luck head coach (Singletary) spends a Sunday afternoon pining after a quality young QB (Bradford).

Seahawks +3.5 at Cardinals
No one is safe as these two horrific teams combine to set the quality of professional football back 40 years.

Cowboys +14 at Giants
A group of overpaid, underachieving Cowboys band together to prove once and for all they are overpaid and underachieving

Patriots +4.5 at Steelers
House (Belichick) and Foreman (Tomlin) clash over the best way to remove a patient’s head from his ass. (Roethlisberger)

Eagles -3 at Redskins
The noble prince Donovan tries to break free from the dungeon he has been exiled to by the evil king Shanahan.

Thursday 1-0
Last Week 6-7
Year 69-58-4

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Thursday Night Drinking Game

Football is a fun and exciting sport to watch, but no event is so exciting that adding alcohol to it doesn’t make it infinitely better.

For this reason, I give you tonight’s drinking game rules. For those of you not familiar with the drinking game (aka Mormons), you simply chug a beer or down a shot every time the following is either said or done. Here are Thursday’s five rules.

1. For every speculation made on how much the fine and/or suspension will be for a hit on a receiver.

2. The announcer mentions “Ray Lewis has still got it” or “Ray Lewis plays the right way.” (special five shot bonus if an announcer says Lewis “knifed” through the line.)

3. “Matt Ryan” and “cool” are mentioned in the same sentence.

4. The camera cuts to Falcons owner Arthur Blank and they mention Michael Vick (It’s like you can’t show Jennifer Anniston without mentioning Brad Pitt, or show Charlie Sheen without mentioning hooker.)

5. Every time the Dallas Cowboys are mentioned. (Even though they are not playing in this game and are completely out of the playoff race, they will get talked about more than the Falcons.)

If you have not passed out by halftime, you have not been paying attention to the game.

As for my pick, the Ravens will lose this game by more than 1 point.

Drink up!

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Week 9- The buck stops no where near here!

When I judge a NFL coach, I have only one criterion- The quality of his excuse for losing.

Our leaders, from sports to politics, always start their concession speeches with “I take full responsibility for…” Then by the next sentence, they are grabbing people by their shirt collars and tossing them right under the proverbial bus.

And I respect that. It’s easy to take the blame. I say “I’m sorry” about 115 times a day. But I think it is a far greater and impressive skill to come up with a unique and creative way of explaining away one’s failures.

A personal example: I promised my wife I would wash her car. When I did not, she kindly pointed this out to me. I retorted “If President Obama had not sent all that stimulus money for road construction here, your car would not be that dirty and instead I could spend my time stimulating the economy in a much more profound way by playing online poker! Granted it’s the economy of Aruba, but still.” She apologized and quickly wrote a letter to the local editor ripping the President.

Mike Shanahan took it to an All-Pro level this week with his explanation for pulling Donovan McNabb. His brilliant (and ever changing) explanations diverted away from the fact that he has failed to have any semblance of a running game or that his defense gave up over 30 points to the Lions. Mr. Shanahan sir, your neighbors in our nation’s capital could clearly use you advice and counsel.

This week with my picks, I offer the losing head coaches some advice on the best excuse to use for the post game press conference. You’re welcome. As I have done all year, my pick for the losing team are in bold.

Bears -2.5 at Bills
Bills’ excuse- “We’re not use to the time change in Canada.” Note Buffalo and Toronto in same time zone.

Chargers at Texans +2.5
Chargers’ excuse- “We were trying to win a bar bet with some guy who said we couldn’t commit 10 dumb penalties and/or turnovers in one game. Ha! Looks like it's Zimas for us!”

Saints -6.5 at Panthers
Panthers’ excuse- “It’s Jake Delhomme’s fault. Can we still use that?”

Cardinals +8 at Vikings
Vikings’ excuse- “Favre…. mumble, mumble…turnovers… mumble, mumble…Moss… mumble, mumble…caterer… mumble, mumble…….migraines…mumble, mumble…challenges… mumble, mumble………booze cruise… mumble, mumble…Anyone have boxes for packing?”

Bucs +8.5 at Falcons
Falcons’ excuse- “Buc’s coach Raheem Morris tricked us into believing he was completely clueless. In truth, he is only 90% clueless.”

Jets -4 at Lions
Lions’ excuse- “Hey, we already won two games this year. For us, it’s like we’re the 72 Dolphins.”

Dolphins +5.5 at Ravens
Ravens’ excuse- “The NFL is cramping our style with all these rules about hard hits and shanks to the gut.”

Patriots -4.5 at Browns
Browns’ excuse- “It’s Jake Delhomme’s fault. Or did the Panthers already use that?”

Giants at Seahawks +7
Giants’ excuse- “Even though it was only for a few hours, this rain in Seattle just made us so depressed by the 4th quarters we just wanted a Starbucks laced with Prozac.”

Chiefs +1 at Raiders
Raiders’ excuse- “Playing in front of a sold out home crowd kind of threw us off. It was such a new experience…and a scary one.”

Colts +3 at Eagles
Eagles’ excuse- “We honestly did not believe Peyton Manning could turn the Colts’ towel boy into a 100 yard receiver.”

Cowboys at Packers -7
Cowboys’ excuse- “We ran out of them.”

Steelers at Bengals +4.5
Steelers’ excuse- “The thought of being up close for 3 hours to the T.Ocho Show drove us to forfeit the game.”

Last Week 7-6
Year 62-51-4