Week 17- Dear, Dear Dolphins

Dear Miami Dolphins,

We’ve been going together for as long as I can remember. We’ve had our ups. 17-0 season. A.J. Duhe mud-drenched INT for a TD against the Jets. The Marino Era. And we’ve had our downs. Super Bowls 17 & 19 and the entire past 6 years.

After last season’s 1-15, we had a huge fight. Said things to each other that neither of us can ever take back, then went our separate ways. I agreed to get back with you this September, but on a strictly casual basis. I had no expectations from you. I figure we’ll get together each Sunday, maybe one thing would lead to another and you might actually win 2-3 games. We’d have some laughs, joke about how bad our defense was without Jason Taylor, and kid that we can’t complete a pass for more than 5 yards. Since I expected nothing, I figured I couldn’t get emotionally invested. It was a safe relationship. The safest I’ve ever had with you. I was so looking forward to our new “fans with benefits” status.

All that has changed. It started when you beat the Pats. For the first time in years, my heart beat a little bit faster when I thought of you. Your name was mentioned on ESPN more often. I would surf the internet to get more info about you. Then you go and win 8 of the last 9 games. It’s like you are a completely different team than I have ever known. Your helmets sparkle brighter. Your run plays are more attractive. When the other team has the ball, I don’t throw up waiting for the impending long TD pass.

It’s so hard for me to say these things after all you have done to me, but, Miami Dolphins, I have fallen for you again. Damn you. Damn you. You’ve made me care again. Where once there was a dried up bit of coal now beats a heart full of hope and fanaticism.

I know how this might end, in the cruelest of fashions as you break my heart at a cold, windy, cesspool of a place called the Meadowlands. You’ve done it to me so many times before. While my head says you’ll do it again, the aqua and orange blood racing through my veins says to give you one more chance. That this time you will NOT leave me curled up in the fetal position as I chant in a catatonic state “Miami has the Dolphins, the greatest football team...” until paramedics are called to remove me for mine and my neighbors own good.

No this time will be different. Because you love us Dol-Fans. You really love us.

Right?

Co-dependently yours,

The Mascot



As if I really care about any of the other games, here are my picks for Week 17.

Raiders at Bucs -13
Lions at Packers -9.5
Cowboys +1 at Eagles
Giants at Vikings -6.5
Bears +2.5 at Texans
Panthers at Saints +3
Rams +14 at Falcons
Chiefs at Bengals -3
Jaguars +12 at Ravens
Titans -3 at Colts
Browns at Steelers -10.5
Dolphins +2.5 at Jets
Patriots -6.5 at Bills
Seahawks at Cardinals -6
Redskins at 49ers -3
Denver +8 at Chargers

Last Week 7-9
Season 119-113-7

Real Picks
Steelers -11 over Browns
Pats/Bills Under 42.5
Bucs -13 over Raiders

Last week 2-3
Season 28-26-4

Week 16 - Prayer

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When I played youth league soccer, the coach designated me as the official leader of the pregame prayer. I can’t recall why this ritual started. Miami is not what you call a particularly religious community (Santeria being the exception). Just all of a sudden, in mid season, the coach decided it would be a good idea.

The team would huddle in a circle and we all bowed our heads. I would recite some short prayer I recalled from Mass, Nick our midfielder would fart, everyone would giggle, and we concluded with an “Amen” that was screamed so as to intimidate the other team. At the time, I thought it was silly, but I now realize what that coach lacked in actual coaching technique he made up for by being a trend setter in sport.

Flash forward a “few” years and now prayer is as much a part of the game as the Gatorade shower. The players pray before the game. They huddle up to pray after the game. They praise God in the post game interview (except after losing.) Today our football games are so full of prayer that after watching them I feel the urge to renew my catechistic vows.

Since speaking to God has become such a big part of the game, I have become the world’s first sports prayerologist. Being a specialist in the area of heavenly beseeching, I’ll give you insight on a few of this weekend’s pregame prayers. This is privileged information known only by the teams, God and the NSA.

By Tony Romo- “Please Lord, have Ray Lewis put me out of my misery so I no longer endure the constant bickering from the women in my life- Jessica and T.O.”

By the Dolphins- “Seriously Lord, what you’ve done for us this season after what we went through last year, we got nothing to ask. Okay, maybe one thing - unload Joey Porter’s gun.”

By the 49ers- “Lord, let us play better because we cannot bear to see any more parts of Coach Singletary’s bare anatomy.”

By Andy Reid- “Lord, let us win this game and play hard…hard…hard. Hardee’s. Hardee’s burgers. Lord, let there be a Hardee’s near the stadium.”

Combined prayer of Browns, Bengals, Rams, Chiefs and Seahawks- “Lord, send us back in time to an era when the season was only 14 games long.”

By the Cardinals- “Lord, we really don’t want to play in this weather. And since we really don’t need this game, would we go to hell if we just forfeited?”

By the Lions- “Please God, let us win one game. Going 0-16 would be like getting a sports STD with no amount of penicillin that will remove it.”

Below are my picks for Week 16. (Note: Pray before use)

Ravens +4.5 at Cowboys
Steelers at Titans +2
Dolphins at Chiefs +3.5
Cardinals at Patriots -7.5
Bengals +2.5 at Browns
Eagles at Redskins +4.5
49ers -5.5 at Rams
Falcons at Vikings -3.5
Saints at Lions +7
Panthers +3.5 at Giants
Jets at Seahawks +5
Texans -7 at Raiders
Bills +7 at Broncos
Chargers at Bucs -4
Packers at Bears -5

Thursday 0-1

Last Week 4-9-3
Season 112-105-7

Heavenly Picks
Pats/Cardinals Under 44.5
Lions +7 over Saints
Buffalo +7 over Broncos
Seahawks +5 over Jets
Bucs -4 over Chargers

Last week 1-1-1
Season 26-23-4

Week 15- I'm shocked, shocked!

They say the NFL is full of surprises, but is it really? Shouldn’t we have known ahead of time many of the events that occurred this season. You can see it coming like a Brett Favre 4th quarter interception.

Here are my picks for Week 15 with some things that have shocked me just like Capt. Renault was shocked to learn there was gambling at Rick’s.

My picks are in bold.

Packers -2 at Jaguars
I’m shocked, shocked, that a team is out of the playoffs that let go of a hall of fame QB in favor of one who had NEVER started a game .

Lions +17 at Colts
I’m shocked, shocked, that giving the President and GM position to a guy right out of the broadcast booth would drive a franchise to historic depths.

Redskins -6.5 at Bengals
I’m shocked, shocked, that a first year head coach who calls out a star player loses respect of his million dollar players.

Bucs at Falcons -3
I’m shocked, shocked, that a team with a QB who can complete forward passes is doing better than they were with a guy who could hit the broadside of barn.

49ers +6.5 at Dolphins
I’m shocked, shocked, that a team full of players scared ****less of losing their job are playing incredibly better. (can apply to both teams.)

Seahawks -3 at Rams
I’m shocked, shocked, that players would not give 100% to a head coach they know will not be their head coach in 3 more weeks.

Bills at Jets -7
I’m shocked, shocked, the Jets are not showing off their historic championship mettle at the end of the season.

Titans -3.5 at Texans
I’m shocked, shocked, (see Bucs Falcons comment)

Steelers at Ravens -2
I’m shocked, shocked, that a wide receiver for the Steelers would actually try to hit those poor little Ravens defender whose only desire in the world is to decapitate their opposition.

Broncos +7.5 at Panthers
I’m shocked, shocked, that a Broncos running back would get hurt for the season.

Chargers -5 at Chiefs
I’m shocked, shocked, that Norv Turner has spun a successful franchise right around and has them heading downward.

Vikings at Cardinals -3
I’m shocked, shocked, that doing beer bongs with coeds did not prepare Matt Leinart to be a starting QB.

Patriots -7 at Raiders
I’m shocked, shocked, at absolutely nothing that Al Davis says or does.

Giants +3 at Cowboys
I’m shocked, shocked, that Terrell Owens would utter even the slightest criticism of his starting QB.

Browns at Eagles +14.5
I’m shocked, shocked, ESPN has to pay for the rights to broadcast this game. (Seriously, I am shocked.)

Thursday 0-0-1
Last Week 8-8
Season 108-95-5

Picks that aren't so shocking

Bears -3 over Saints
49ers +6.5 over Dolphins
Giants +3 over Cowboys

This Week 0-0-1
Last week 1-2
Season 25-22-4

Five Things that will happen in the Saints/Bears game tonight

1. The words “Star Caps” will be mentioned more times that “catch by Shockey.”

2. There will be at least three cutaways to some idiot in the stands with his shirt off.

3. There will be at least 5 cutaways to a cheerleader so bundled up you are not sure if it’s an attractive women or a person with severe case of Hypertrichosis. (Google it) Either way, most guys will be attracted.

4. If the Saints kicker or punter kicks it anywhere near Devin Hester, Sean Payton will remove from his sweatpants his league-issued Glock and shoot said kicker. It will be judged totally justifiable.

5. Since the Saints are allergic to both natural grass and scared to death to see their own breath, the Bears will win 31-20.

Week 14- Layoffs

This week it was announced America lost a record number of jobs in November. Unfortunately, those layoffs did not include some in America’s favorite game.

Along with my picks for Week 14, here are some people who need to join the ranks of the unemployed when last month’s job lost record gets broken in December.

My picks are in bold.

Bengals +13.5 at Colts
Chad Johnson because if you outlandishly change your name, you need to back it up with outlandish performance…but in the good way.

Jaguars +6.5 at Bears
Whoever decided to sign David Garrard to a long term deal because it looks like he is joining A-Ha, Kajagoogoo and Big Country in the one hit wonders bin.

Texans at Packers -6
Whoever decided those all red uniforms were a good idea to wear on Monday night. They honestly looked like one of the team from Any Given Sunday because the NFL would not license official use.

Browns at Titans -14
Braylon Edwards. Everyone thinks the head coach should get the axe, but I figure the Browns would have won at least 2-3 more games if it was for “Hands of Stone” Edwards. But like the old saying goes, you can’t fire the players so you fire the coach. Oh wait, this is the NFL. You CAN fire the players.

Vikings -9.5 at Lions
The so called experts that expect this to be the Lions only win. Did you see the way they handled the run game on Thanksgiving? Did you see that a certain Adrian Petersen plays for the Vikings?

Eagles at Giants -7
The weapons safety officer for the Giants. Don’t tell me they don’t have one…every NFL team should have one.

Falcons at Saints -3
The Saints’ equipment manager because he is obviously telling his players not to get grass stains on their uniforms. I can tell by the lousy way they play outside the dome.

Jets -3.5 at 49ers
The Jets’ official guy who keeps the team from letting down. (Mangini?)The Jets are 1-3 against the worse division in football (the AFC West) and 7-1 against the rest of the league.

Dolphins +1 at Bills
Whoever in the Bills organization that agreed to give up a home game with the Dolphins in order to play in a dome. Your biggest advantage against Miami is that they are allergic to snow. Why don’t you sport them 14 points while you are at it?

Chiefs +9 at Broncos
The Broncos team pharmacist because he obviously not controlling their meds. They lose at home to the Raiders yet win on the road against the Jets? This team has more personalities than Brittney Spears.

Rams at Cardinals -14
The guy in charge of waking up the Rams on game day. In 3 of the last 4 games, they have been completely blown out by halftime. I suggest going to Target and investing in an alarm clock.

Cowboys at Steelers -3
The grounds crew at Heinz field. The turf is so bad I think the Steelers look forward to playing on the road.

Patriots -4.5 at Seahawks
The genius guy who put out the idea they should trade Tom Brady and keep Matt Cassel. I have two names for you: Dan Marino/Scott Mitchell

Redskins +6 at Ravens
Everybody on the Redskin offense not named Clinton Portis. Portis has been a warrior and if the rest of his team played as tough as him, they would be a “feel good” 7-5 instead of a “disappointing” 7-5.


Bucs at Panthers -3
If the offensive coordinator does not call every pass play for Steve Smith, he should be fired. If the past game proves anything, it doesn’t matter how many guys cover him, he will catch it.

Thursday 1-0
Last Week 9-7
Season 101-87-4

Picks that need no layoffs
Giants -7 over Eagles
Saints -3 over Falcons
Jets -3.5 over 49ers

Last week 3-0
Season 24-20-3

Five Things that will happen in the Chargers/Raiders game tonight

1. By the third quarter, the game will be so bad that the NFL Network will cut away to the NHL Network.

2. Audience members will wet their pants when they get sight of Sebastian Jankowski coming toward them in 3-D.

3. Instead of the San Diego Chargers, the announcers will consistently refer to them as the “Underperforming Chargers.”

4. Al Davis will call down to the field demanding they put Fred Biletnikoff into the game.

5. Chargers will win 24-10.

Week 13- Headlines

“Burress Shoots Self in the Leg.”

At first I thought the editor got the headline wrong. He meant to say Plaxico shot himself in the foot for some stupid comment he made.

Nope.

Crazy man literally shot himself in the leg. Not while hunting, but while at some nightclub. I’ve always said that doing “The Robot” was going to get someone hurt.

As outrageous as that headline is, it is nothing compared to the ones that will describe the rest of this weekend’s games.

With my picks, here are the headlines that will top line the coverage of week 13 of the NFL.

My picks are in bold.

Broncos +8 at Jets
“Cutler Does Have Stronger Arm than Favre,” says Jets DBs who Caught His Passes.

49ers at Bills -6.5
Singletary Doesn’t Wait for Halftime. Drops Pants during Anthem.”

Saints at Bucs -3.5
Doctors Reveal Saints Allergic to Real Grass.

Panthers at Packers -3
Rodgers Quits Pack to Takeover Role of Ryan on “The Office.”

Giants -3.5 at Redskins
Coughlin Smiles during Game. Head Explodes.

Miami at Rams +8
Rams Seek Counseling after Enduring Porter’s Verbal Abuse.

Ravens -7 at Bengals
Bengals Proud of 8 Yard Pass Play in 4th Quarter that Almost Got Them a First Down

Colts -5 at Browns
Crennel Falls Asleep During Fourth Quarter. No One Notices.

Falcons +5 at Chargers
Turner Calls Time Out to Discuss Coin Toss.

Steelers +1 at Patriots
Pats Linebackers Leave Game Early to Catch Senior Early Bird Special at Dennys.

Chiefs +3 at Raiders
Local Networks Sue to Have “Full House” Reruns air instead of Game.

Bears at Vikings -3
Vikes end QB woes. Direct Snap to Petersen on Every Down.

Jaguars at Texans -3.5
ESPN Cuts Away from Game for Final Round Coverage of PBA Greater Omaha Open.

Thanksgiving 0-3

Last Week 10-6
Season 91-83-4

Real Picks
Rams +8 over Dolphins
Steelers/New England Over 40
Vikings -3 over Bears

Last week 2-0
Season 21-20-3

Real Turkeys

This year's offering of Thanksgiving NFL games might cause more people to upchuck than the thousands of undercooked turkeys served this holiday season.

These games are so bad, there is nothing I can say or write that will convince you to watch them...unless of course, your ability to pay off your car loan is dependant on the outcome.

In that case, I suggest treating these games like the dogs they are by going with the dogs in each game.

Here are my picks. I hope they act like Prilosec for the excruciating acid reflux you'll endure every time you see Culpepper sacked, TO drop a pass or McNabb throw a pick.

Lions +11 over Titans
Seahawks +12.5 over Cowboys
Cardinals +3 over Eagles

Happy Thanksgiving.

Week 12- Little Known Rules

Donovan McNabb did not know that a regular season game could end in a tie. So what? He is only getting paid millions of dollars to play the game, why should he be expected to know all the “rules.” The CEOs of the nation’s automakers, banks, insurance companies, and investment companies get paid more than McNabb and know even less about the rules of their respective sports.

Not knowing the overtime rules is a minor infraction that may only cost the Eagles a playoff spot. But there some other rules of football that most players and fan have no idea are on the books. Here are some little known rules that will be applied during this week’s games.

My picks are in bold.

Texans +3 at Browns- Turnover Mercy Rule- After Sage Rosenfels turns the ball over for the 7th time, a member of the training staff will come out and break his leg.

Bills -3 at Chiefs- Can You Hear Me Now Rule- Herm Edwards headset will be turned off for the last 2 minutes of each half so he cannot make any of his brilliant game deciding decisions.

Jets at Titans -5.5- Ron Jeremy Rule- Jeff Fisher is prohibited by NFL bylaw from ever shaving that moustache and hairdo straight out of a 1970’s porno.

Patriots +2.5 at Dolphins- The Mower Rule- To offset the infamous Snow Plow game, the Dolphins will be allowing to send an ex-con on a mower to clear a patch of grass as they line up for a game winning field goal.

49ers +11 at Cowboys – The Soft Light Rule- The NFL has directed FOX Sports to only shoot video of Jerry Jones in a soft, Barbara Walters-like, fashion. This isn’t for his vanity but for the safety of our children.

Bucs -8.5 at Lions- The Thanksgiving Day Ratings Rule- The refs have been instructed to doing everything possible to keep the Lions winless going into their Turkey Day game. A one-win team will get no ratings, but people love to watch a train wreck after enduring the train wreck that was their family gathering.

Eagles at Ravens -1- The Rulebook Rule- Instead of having the plays wrapped around his forearm, McNabb will be allow to wear a set of the NFL rulebook. Also, he’ll wear Robert’s Rules of Order so he can run his huddle in an orderly fashion.

Bears -7.5 at Rams- The French Rule- The entire Rams team will be given honorary French citizenship for exemplifying the greatest attribute of the French people - the ability to surrender.

Vikings at Jaguars -2- Interpersonal Skills Rules- Jack Del Rio and Brad Childress will conduct a halftime seminar on how to get employees to respect and like their boss.

Panthers at Falcons -1- The Prison Rule- After this year, each team will be allowed to send one of their players to prison who is crippling the team’s ability to win and crippling their salary cap.

Raiders at Broncos -9.5 – The Dr. Kevorkian Rule- After the Broncos beat the Raiders 50-0, Mike Shanahan will be allowed to go to the owner’s box and unplug Al Davis.

Redskins -3.5 at Seahawks- The Fan Involvement Rule- The Seahawks will be allowed to conduct a “Wide Receiver for a Day” contest in which a lucky seat number will be drawn and that fan will get to start at WR. Last game, it was 78-year-old Gladys Harrington of Tacoma who had 6 catches for 83 yards but sat out the 4th quarter with a case of gout.

Giants -3 at Cardinals- The AARP Rule- Any team whose starting QB qualifies for AARP membership (see Cardinals, Arizona) gets the senior discount at every participating Denny’s in the country.

Colts at Chargers -2.5 – The Commercial Rule- To help the league during this economic times, Peyton Manning will be allow to shill for sponsors from the sidelines, inside the huddle and during live play.

Packers at Saints -2.5- Tony Kornheiser Rule- (previously the Dennis Miller Rule) If you’ve never played the game, coached the game, refereed a game or been the water boy during a game, you are not allowed to provide commentary for a nationally televised game. (currently pending in Rules Committee)

Already This Week 1-0
Last Week 6-10
Season 82-74-4

Real "Don't Need No Rulebook" Picks
Patriots +2.5 over Dolphins
Giants -3 over Cardinals

Last week 2-1
Season 19-20-3

Five Things that will happen in the Bengals/Steelers game tonight

Five Things that will happen in the Bengals/Steelers game tonight

1. Ocho Cinco nee Chad Johnson will be talked about more that the starting QB for Cincinnati, what’s his name.

2. There will be a lot of yapping and finger pointing, but no Bengal will get a clean (or even a dirty) shot on Hines Ward as he has 8 catches for 94 yards and one TD.

3. Cris Collinsworth will provide more actual informative insight in one quarter that any other analyst gives in an entire game, including overtime.

4. During the game. Ben Roethlisberger will grab in pain every joint, muscle group and extremity on his body. But he will gut it out, while the coaching staff prays to every god in heaven he does not throw another pass into coverage.

5. Pittsburgh will win 31-14 (yes that means covering the spread this time. Take that refs!)

Week 11- Not Thinking About It

Last week, I took the Manny Ramirez approach to picking games. I didn’t give it much thought; I just went up there and swung away. And just like Manny, I hit for power and average, picking 11 out 13 right.

Also, just like Manny, I am taking the week off from giving insight commentary because:
a) I pulled a hammie. (you have to guess which one, because I'm not telling you. Namley because I don’t know which one.)
b) I am bitter about my contract, or lack thereof.
c) I got distracted by a fluttering butterfly.

Here are my picks for Week 11. After my last couple of weeks, if you are not betting my picks, you just plain despise money.

My picks are in bold.

Jets at Patriots -3.5
Broncos at Falcons -6
Raiders +10.5 at Dolphins
Ravens at Giants -6.5
Texans +8.5 at Colts
Titans at Jaguars +3
Bears at Packers -5
Eagles -9 at Bengals
Saints at Chiefs +5
Lions +14.5 at Panthers
Vikings +4 at Buccaneers
Rams +6 at 49ers
Cardinals -3 at Seahawks
Chargers at Steelers -3.5
Cowboys at Redskins +2
Browns at Bills -4.5

Last Week 11-2
Season 75-64-4

Real Picks
Patriots -3.5 over Jets
Cardinals -3 over Seahawks
Browns/Bills over 42

Last week 3-0
Season 17-19-3

Is that Kid a Free Agent?

This is being used as a training tape for the Broncos, Rams, Browns and Lions.

Week 10 Change is Coming

The week saw monumental change come to America. After what seemed like forever, a chance to lead was given to someone who most people never dreamed would have that opportunity.

Brady Quinn was finally named starter of the Cleveland Browns.

And they promptly went out and blew a fourth quarter lead. So maybe not all change is effective. In the spirit of all that is new in America’s political and football landscape, here are some “changes” that should come to the NFL.

Let the video review be done by someone in the booth. Having a ref run off the field, disappear under some hood, and look at the tape to determine a call (all while thousands of fans are screaming and he is freezing his butt off) is just blame dumb. College football has an official in the booth do it. This is the first and only time college football has done anything smarter than the NFL.

Cut out the commercial right after the kickoff after a score. Right now, after a team scores, they cut to commercial. The team kicks off, and then they cut to commercial. Seriously, we need a commercial break after a 5 second play? Even guys with prostrates the size of watermelons can last that long without going.

Remove Tony Kornheiser (other any other non-player) from doing color commentary. The play by play guy gives the call of the action. The color guy is an ex-player or ex-coach who gives first hand insight on what is happening. The off the wall observations should be left to you and the guys you are watching the game with. They end up being funnier that anybody the network could pick, and smarter.

When the temperature gets cold, cheerleaders should be kept in a warm box on the sidelines. Seriously, is anyone looking at the Bills cheerleaders during a December game? If these women went through all that hard work and surgery to get their bodies like that, the least we can do for them is not have them cover it up with a wool coat.

Coaches should have to be in full uniform just like in baseball. This is really just for comic relief because I’d love to see Andy Reid and Romeo Crennel squeeze into pads and a helmet. Actually, they would not look that much different from most D-Lineman.

Commentator should be allowed to talk about the point spread. The NFL has a hissy fit whenever the word “Vegas” is even thought by anyone in the game. But let’s face it, the only reason anyone will watch the Cardinals/49ers on Monday Night is because they are hoping to get even from a terrible Sunday of picks. I just think it should be acknowledged by the guys calling the game. When the 49ers are moving in for a last second TD to cut their deficit to 9 points, they should call it like it was Elway’s “The Drive.”

The NFL is not going to take any of these suggestions seriously. On the other hand, you should take the below picks seriously. Just don’t tell the NFL where you got this information.

My picks for Week 10 are in bold.

Jaguars -7 at Lions
Titans -3 at Bears
Bills at Patriots -3.5
Saints at Falcons -1
Rams +7.5 at Jets
Seahawks +9.5 at Dolphins
Packers +2.5 at Vikings
Panthers -8.5 at Raiders
Chiefs +15 at Chargers
Colts +3 at Steelers
Giants +3 at Eagles
Ravens PK at Texans
49ers at Cardinals -9.5

Last Week 9-5
Season 64-62-4

My Serious Picks
Chiefs +15 over Chargers
Giants +3 over Eagles
Patriots -3.5 over Bills

Last week 3-1
Season 14-19-3

Week 9 - Motivation

During halftime of the Seahawks beating up the 49ers, San Fran coach Mike Singletary dropped his pants to illustrate his contempt toward his team and its performance. He hoped the sight of his bare buttocks would motivate his team to play better. It didn’t work.

But just like 99 cent greeting cards and gas gift cards, it is the thought that counts.

Now Singletary’s motivational attempts might have worked for a college team or high school team or the US Men’s Olympic figure skating team, but in the NFL you need something different.

Here are some other techniques coaches should employ to really get at these highly paid, low performing pros to play better:

Threaten to invite players’ wives to all road games and team events.

Show the team an un-doctored image of Jerry Jones, post facelift.

If the team doesn’t play better, force them to ride to the next away game in John Madden’s bus.

Ban player interviews with Erin Andrews.

Say if they don’t starting tackling people, you are inviting Sarah Palin to speak to the team about foreign policy.

If they don’t start blocking, you will force them to go bowling with Barack Obama.

Warn the players you will release them and get them hired doing analysis on ESPN with Emmitt Smith.

Threaten to trade them to Oakland.

And the most motivating thing you can do…threaten to take away the Madden ’08 from the locker room.

I’ve tried to employ some motivating technique on myself to get me out of my own losing streak. If it doesn’t work, I will have no other option but to drop my pants in the middle of the sports book.

My picks in bold.

Texans at Vikings -5
Jaguars at Bengals +7.5
Bucs at Chiefs +8.5
Ravens +2 at Browns
Jets at Bills -5
Cardinals -3 at Rams
Lions + 12.5 at Bears
Packers at Titans -4.5
Dolphins at Broncos -3.5
Falcons -2.5 at Raiders
Cowboys +8 at Giants
Eagles at Seahawks +6.5
Patriots +6 at Colts
Steelers +2 at Redskins

Last Week 5-7-2
Season 55-57-4

Picks I am really putting my butt on the line for:
Bills -5 over Jets
Steelers +2 over Redskins
Ravens/Browns over 36.5
Dolphins/Broncos under 50

Last week 1-2-1
Season 11-18-3

The Phillies Win!

The Phillies have won game five of the World Series... according to Las Vegas Sports Books.

According to Nevada gaming regulations, a game that goes more than five innings but is stopped, must go back to the score of the last completed inning. So the 2-1 score after five innings counts and the books are paying off those people who bet the Phils.

If Tampa end up winning the game, Rays bettors will have suffered of the classic bad beat stories of all time.

Here's hoping Tampa wins it because there is nothing a gambler loves more than a good bad beat story, even more than winning.

Week 8- As the Spiral Spins

The most popular soap opera on TV (among the male demo of 18-35) is the riveting episodes of “The National Football League.” It’s got plenty of drama, violence, intrigue, sex...all of which occurs between Tuesday through Saturday. Sundays are actually becoming the boring part of football. Recent episodes had given us plenty of reasons to curl up on the couch, wrap our favorite team’s flannel blanket around us, sip a nice frothy beer, and down some nachos and cheese as we watch “As the Spiral Spins.”

This week’s shows gave us plenty to tear up over:

The scorned Brett Favre betrays his former lover and spills the beans to his BFF (a recently run out of town Matty Millen) about the Packers inadequacies in the red zone.

The boys in the Raven’s locker room get together after school and plot a diabolical plan to ruin the bitchy Hines Wards by trying to remove his head from his shoulders.

Mike Nolan gets the pink slip and Men’s Warehouse stock plummets.

The relationship of our favorite mismatched couple, Jerry Jones and Wade Phillips, is on rocky seas. Will Jerry find it in his heart to stay with the lovable Wade or will his wandering eye land on Jason Garret’s shiny new headset?

Tom Brady’s condition worsens as his knee surgery runs into complications and our heart skips a beat thinking that he’ll never grace the cover of GQ again. Rumor has it Bridget Moynahan will bust in the last minute and donate her ACL to save Tom’s career. Will he then accept their son into his life?

Will the bank repossess the house or the car first after I went 0-8 in the last two weeks of my dead solid lock picks? I wish this was more of a soap opera.

I can’t wait to see what the next week brings. In the meantime, I’ll catch up on the three episodes of NBA Live on my TiVo.

My picks are in bold.

Raiders at Ravens -7
Chargers -3.5 at Saints
Chiefs at Jets -13.5
Bills -2 at Dolphins
Bucs at Cowboys -2.5
Falcons +8.5 at Eagles
Rams at Patriots -7
Cardinals at Panthers -4
Redskins -7.5 at Lions
Browns at Jaguars -7
Giants +2.5 at Steelers
Seahawks at 49ers -5
Bengals at Texans -9.5
Colts +4 at Titans

Last Week 5-9
Season 50-50-2

Picks I probably should play but will anyway.
Falcons +8.5 over Eagles
Panthers -4 over Cards
Rams/Patriots under 43
Chargers -3.5 over Saints

Last week 0-4
Season 10-16-2

Week 7- Regrouping

After an abysmal week 6, I am taking the bye week to install a new offense and looking to promote some players from the practice squad.

I am holding this special personal mini-camp in an uninhabited region of the Rocky Mountains. I figure the clear, cool air will clear my mind, ...or make me pass out from altitude sickness. Either way, I can forgot the last week.

Before I take off, here are my picks for Week 7. I limited my research and went with the old reliable "gut feeling." Of course, thinking with the gut got us involved in two wars and the worse financial crisis in over 80 years.

My picks are in bold.

Titans at Chiefs +7
Chargers at Bills PK
Steelers and Bengals +9.5
Ravens at Dolphins -2.5
Cowboys -7 at Rams
Vikings at Chicago -3
Saints +3 at Panthers
49ers +10.5 at Giants
Lions +8 at Houston
Jets -3 at Raiders
Browns at Redskins -7
Colts -1 at Packers
Seahawks +10.5 at Buccaneers
Broncos at Patriots -3.5

Last Week 6-8
Season 45-41-2

Picks I am really pretty sure will win
Dolphins -2.5 over Ravens
Colts -1 over Packers
Saints +3 over Panthers
Chiefs +7 over Titans

Last week 0-4
Season 10-12-2

Week 6- A Maverick Speaks

Weird thing happened this week. I got a call on Wednesday at 3:00am from John McCain.

That part was not so weird since he often calls me at all hours of the night. Usually we chat about old movies, reality TV and fun recipes that can be done under 30 minutes. But this night, he wanted to talk about football. I said, “You know John, I have a blog where I pick each week’s games.” After a twenty minute explanation on what a blog is, he asked if he could offer up his picks for this week.

Because he is my friend (and because in less than 4 weeks could have the IRS audit me), I happily obliged. Here are John McCain’s picks and explanations for Week 6. His picks are in bold.

Raiders at Saints -8
My friend, I am a maverick. I’ve been a maverick all my life. So I know maverickness and to be honest, Al Davis is a little too mavericky. He makes me looks like Mr. Rogers.

Ravens +4.5 at Colts
My friend, a strong defense is vital to national security and to a football team. The Ravens are all about defense- keep the other team from scoring. The Colts are all about offense. They have that “tax and spend and score” mentality that just leaves Americans with a huge electric bill for lighting up the scoreboard. I have been and always will be against lights!

Bengals at Jets -6
I don’t know if you know this, but I use to fly jets. And when I flew them, I flew like a maverick. You know who else is a maverick…Brett Favre. The way he improvises with the football makes me inclined to name him my chief economic advisor.

Panthers +2 at Bucs
Look my friend, the liberal media doesn’t understand Steve Smith. Who among us has wanted to punch out a teammate, Senate colleague or presidential rival? If you have watched any of the debates, I am a hair trigger away of cold cocking “That One.”

Lions +13.5 at Vikings
The Lions did the right thing. They changed leadership, while leaving intact the coaching staff, front office and players. That is exactly the kind of change I will bring to America.

Bears -2.5 at Falcons
My friend, there is nothing good that comes from Chicago. Baseball teams. 60s radicals. Senatorial lightweights. But since I am in hock for 50k to the Bellagio, I’ve got to go with the better team here just to get even.

Dolphins +3 at Texans
My friend, the choice is simple. Do you want the same old, experience, well informed, ready to lead from day one person to serve as Vice President? Or do you want someone who is unpredictable and performs way above low expectations. I’ll take the wildcat for both for my offensive schemes and my VP.

Rams +13.5 at Redskins
My friend, I am a Washington outsider. Even though I have lived and worked there for close to 30 years, I have always hated the Redskins and as president I promise to continue hating them...along with the city’s public transportation system and its cherry blossoms.

Jaguars at Broncos -3
This one is a tough choice for me. Both Colorado and Florida are swing states. But, my friend, being commander –in-chief is all about making tough decisions. Just like when I am at the craps table…do I bet the hard eight or the hard ten?

Eagles at 49ers +4.5
The California liberal elite would love for me to pick against their beloved team just so they can bash me for being biased. Well, my friend, I am going to do the exact opposite. Why you ask. Because that’s what mavericks do. We do what doesn’t really make sense just to mess with you.

Cowboys at Cardinals +5.5
I am from Arizona. More importantly, my wife loves the Cardinals. And if you think I am going go against my financier, ummm, I mean my love, you got another thing coming my friend.

Packers and Seahawks -2.5
The Packers went away from the experienced, proven, fly by the seat of his pants quarterback in favor of the good looking, young, wide eyed liberal quarterback. My friend, if elected president, I promise to be the steady hand that leads America’s economy to the brink of the Super Bowl…only to blow it with a late interception.

Patriots +5.5 at Chargers
My friend, I know what is takes to be a patriot. I see one every day...when I look in the mirror. And patriots don’t talk about timetables or exit strategies or leaving the West Coast when they have back to back games there. Just like these Patriots, I am committed to stay in Iraq until we win the game and I don’t care how many overtimes it goes.

Giants -8 at Browns
I want to send out my well wishes to Kellen Winslow of the Browns. I heard about his, well, …how do I put this delicately…”his balls growing to the size of grapefruits.” As a maverick, I know what it is like to have a pair that big. Imagine how huge mine have to be for me to pick Palin as VP. They have grown even larger since I have completely ignored the stock market crash and decided to focus on “that one” and his “associations.”

Last Week 8-5-1
Season 39-33-2


The picks John doesn’t know but I am really going to bet
Panthers/Bucs over 36.5
Panthers +2 over Buccaneers
Patriots +5.5 over the Chargers
49ers +4.5 over Eagles


Last Week 2-2-1
Season 10-8-2

Week 5- Apologies

Only a quarter through the NFL season and already the Catholic guilt ingrained inside of me is demanding I seek forgiveness for the things I have said and thought so far.

So forgive me father and Roger Goodell, but I have sinned.

Forgive me for making fun of Dan Snyder’s hiring of Jim Zorn. The Skins 3-1 record is really amazing given their terrible start against New York. If they make the Super Bowl, I’ll seek forgiveness for all the terrible free agent signings he's made.

Forgive me for questioning Joey Porter’s bravado. He talked the talk and he sacked the sacked. So much so that more than a week later, he is still collecting sacks from this game.

Forgive me for picking Seattle and Pittsburgh to go to the Super Bowl. Since I made my selection both teams have been decimated by injuries to the point that the Seahawks just activated Steve Largent and the Steelers just activated Rocky Bleier. Franco Harris wanted too much money.

Forgive me for picking the Rams every single week so far this season. Burn me once, shame on you. Burn me twice, shame on me. Burn me 4 times and I’m just an idiot. Having said that, I am still picking them this week to beat the bye….but taking the 14 points.

Forgive me for doubting Brian Griese. I should have discounted his previous terrible performances in Denver…and in Miami…and in Tampa Bay…and in Chicago. That was just a short 10-year blip on an otherwise stellar NFL career.

Also, forgive me for believing:

The Bengals would stop signing felons.
Peyton Manning did not need functioning knees.
The Pats were more than a one man team.
T.O. would be satisfied with getting the ball thrown to him 18 times in a game.
Aaron Rodgers could get through 4 games without being injured.
Al Davis was still lucid.
Matt Millen would be executive of the year.

Most importantly, after a mediocre week, forgive me in advance for my Week 5 picks. My picks are in bold.

Colts -3 at Texans

Titans -3 at Ravens

Chargers at Dolphins +6.5

Chiefs +9.5 at Panthers

Redskins +5.5 at Eagles

Bears -3.5 at Lions

Falcons+7.5 at Packers

Seahawks at Giants -7

Buccaneers at Broncos -3.5

Patriots -3 at 49ers

Bills at Cardinals PICK

Bengals at Cowboys -17

Steelers at Jaguars -4

Vikings at Saints -3.5

Last Week 7-6
Season 31-28-1

My "I'm really confident" Picks
Colts -3 over Texans
Patriots -3 over 49ers
Jaguars -4 over Steelers
Titans -3 over Ravens
Titans/Ravens over 33.5

Last Week 1-2
Season 8-6-1

Win some, lose a lot

This video sums up how I felt last Sunday.

The Dolphins pulled their biggest win of the decade, I celebrate by spiking by football picks and it nails me sqaure in the....well you get the idea.



But you know something, if it would guarantee Dolphin wins for the rest of the year, I'd gladly take the shots. After last year, I have no humility left.

Here are my picks for Week 4. Sorry for the lack of commentary, but since the US government sunk its bailout hopes on my picks last week, I've been on the run avoiding a certain 300 million Americans.

My picks are in bold.

Broncos at Chiefs +9

Browns +3.5 at Bengals

Texans +7.5 at Jaguars

Cardinals at Jets Pick

49ers at Saints -6

Falcons +7 at Panthers

Vikings +3 at Titans

Packers +1.5 at Buccaneers

Bills at Rams +8

Chargers -7.5 at Raiders

Redskins +11.5 at Cowboys

Eagles -3 at Bears

Ravens at Steelers -7

Last Week 7-9

Season 24-22-1

Picks I am really going to sink my last dollars into

Packers +1.5 at Buccaneers
Cardinals at Jets Pick
Eagles -3 at Bears

Last Week 2-3
Season 7-4-1

Week 3- This One is for Uncle Sam

Just go off the phone with Treasury Secretary Paulson. I convinced him to convert these risky investments the federal government just bought into and convert them all to a safe, secure long term investment.

You guessed it. He agreed to put the entire future of the US banking industry on my picks this week. So if you go against these picks, you are a pinko communist!

Actually, if you are for these picks you are also a pinko communist since you are supporting the government’s intrusive involvement in the “free market economy.”

It’s a weird day when Russia is less socialist than we are.

So you can follow how your tax dollars are being invested, here are my picks for week 3. My picks are in bold.

Chiefs at Falcons -5
How bad is Damon Huard for him to be benched in favor of a guy with a skeleton fetish.

Raiders at Bills -9
Hey Canada, you are going to get a hell of a team for your first NFL franchise.

Buccaneers at Bears -3
Kyle Orton is the greatest mediocre QB since Doug Flutie.

Panthers +3.5 at Vikings
When you are counting on Gus “I broke my own neck” Ferrote to make smart decisions with the ball, you might be picking early in the next draft.

Dolphins +12.5 at Patriots
Damn you Matt Cassel! Stop playing well so we can see the return of Vinny Testeverde.

Bengals +13 at Giants
Here's a good idea, free of charge, for the Giants. I think they should get on a plane, circle around the state and land in New York to make their home games feel like road games.

Texans at Titans -5
You can forgive the Texans if football has not been exactly on the top of their minds lately

Cardinals at Redskins -3
Hint to the defensive backs, if you see Anquan Boldin or Santana Moss running down the field, trip them!

Lions +4 at 49ers
This is the game casinos will only run inside the Keno parlor.

Rams +9.5 at Seahawks
I wish to apologize to all Seattle fans for picking the Seahawks to go to the Super Bowl. You’d think I did enough damage to your city when I picked the Mariners to go to the World Series.

Saints at Broncos -5
Ed Hochuli just got elected to the Colorado Supreme Court.

Steelers at Eagles -3.5
Big Ben played week 1 with a dislocated shoulder. Or maybe it was just sprained. Or maybe there was nothing wrong at all. Good thing Dr. Foreman from “House” is on the case.

Jaguars +5.5 at Colts
With the depleted offensive lines and immobile QBs for each team, Mrs. Gerard and Mrs. Manning might want to avert their eyes.

Browns +2 at Ravens
Romeo Crennel has already decided he is kicking a field goal as soon as the Browns get in range, even if it’s first down.

Cowboys at Packers +3
If Rodgers wins this game, the Packers can go ahead and officially retire Favre’s jersey.

Jets +9 at Chargers
If the Chargers lose this game, they can officially retire Ed Hochuli.

Last week 7-7-1
Season 17-13-1

My real “seriously I’m going to bet” Picks
Buccaneers/Bears over 35.5
Redskins -3 over Cardinals
Bears -3 over Buccaneers
Rams +9.5 over Seahawks
Lions +4 over 49ers

Last Week 2-0-1

Season 5-1-1

A Bizarre Week 2

The last week has brought us some strange things in the NFL, even more bizarre than usual.

Peyton Manning, hoping around like Verbal Kint (and playing like him too) leads the Colt to 18 straight points to pull out a win.

68 year old former bag boy Kurt Warner tearing up the Dolphins and leading his team to 2-0. I guess it was a good idea for him not to do beer bongs during the off season. Who knew?

Lane Kiffin pissing off Al Davis by WINNING, thus forcing him to have to wait until after they lose to the Bills this week to fire him. And he had already called IT to erase Kiffin’s email.

Matt Cassel ripping apart the Jets with his 10 yard passing attack. I know this is a crazy thought, but just maybe the Jets could have adjusted for that. I mean if are going to have all those coaches, and headsets and hidden video cameras, perhaps it would be a good idea to utilize them to make adjustments.

Ed Hochuli makes a mistake and blows a play dead as an incomplete pass when it was clearly a fumble. What was crazy is that he felt so bad about it, he decided to place the ball back to the 10 yard line, thus “penalizing” the Broncos. This is the kind of made up rules we use to create for street pick-up games along with the invisible center and “Hitting my mom’s car is out of bounds!”

Romeo Crennel deciding to go for a field goal with 6 minutes left and down by seven. That’s not weird since he did that same thing the week prior when down by 21. What’s mind boggling is Madden agreeing with the decision, saying he would have done the same thing.
“You if you get the 3 points, then you need just a touchdown, but if you go for the Touchdown and miss it, then you need a touchdown AND AN EXTRA POINT.” I think Madden needs to go to Ace Hardware to tighten that loose screw.

However that was not the dumbest thing spoken by an announcer this weekend. That award goes to Michael Irvin. Surprise! He was doing radio for Monday Night Football and the Eagles were taking timeouts near the end of the game as the Cowboys had the ball and the lead. Irvin’s insight- “The Eagles are taking timeouts so that if the Cowboys score again, they’ll have time to come back. Really Michael? Really? I thought I heard Marv Albert trip over his chaps when he heard than one.

Maybe, just maybe, the Eagles were taking timeouts in the hope they would stop the Cowboys from scoring and get the ball back down only 4 points. Being down by 11 but having a full 2 minutes to play may not exactly be what Andy Reid and the boys were thinking. But, hey you played the game so you must know.

But the winner of the dumbest thing said this week goes to multiple award winner Joey Porter. He called out Matt Cassel and predicted a Dolphins victory over the Patriots.

Just a reminder:
The Dolphins have won exactly one of their last 21 games.
The Patriots have won 21 consecutive regular season games

This is not even a case of a player writing a check his team can’t cash; he’s trying to write a check with no ink in the pen.

Note- For whatever it is worth, the last time the Pats lost a regular season game was against the Dolphins.

DeSean Jackson - Fantasy Football Killer

That plaintive wail you hear is from all the fantasy owners who had Donovan McNabb lost their game by less than 6 points.

Week 2- As the Old Saying Goes...

This week, debate over the use of a quirky proverb supplanted our national discourse on the most important issues of the day, like will Tom Brady’s modeling career be affected by his torn ACL.

We all know you can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still going to lose in heartbreaking fashion to the stinkin’ New York Jets.

But there are some other proverbs you might not be aware of when it comes to NFL games. So this week, along with these can’t miss picks, I’ll give an appropriate, uniquely American, proverb that best fits the game.

My picks are in bold.

Raiders at Chiefs -3.5
Don't blame the cow when the milk gets sour.
Lane Kiffin essentially blamed the Raiders’ pathetic performance on the defensive coordinator and the owner because in an Al Davis lead team, the head coach is the least responsible person.

Giants at Rams +9
What you can learn by boxing with a left-hander costs more than it's worth.
The Rams will learn a lot about themselves this week coming off a disastrous performance. Unfortunately, none of what they learn will help them play football.

Colts -2 at Vikings
Always drink pure water.
Or in the case of (former) Colts DE Ed Johnson, always smoke the pure tobacco.

Titans +1 at Bengals
The rooster makes more racket than the hen that laid the egg.
Chad Ocho Cinco nee Johnson sure does make a lot of noise …and sure does drop a lot of balls.

Saints PK at Redskins
If you buy a rainbow, don't pay cash for it.
Daniel Snyder needs to start using a credit card when hiring new coaches so he can dispute the charges when he has to let them go after one season.

Packers -3 at Lions
Don't trade off a coonskin before you catch the coon.
It still boggles the mind that the Packers were so willing to let go of a Hall of Fame, Pro Bowl QB for a guy who had started as many NFL games as Joe Flacco, Matt Ryan and Matt Cassel. It would be like electing a Vice President who has never met a foreign leader. That explains why Ted Thompson headed up McCain’s VP vetting.

Bears and Panthers -3
Someone who pets a live catfish isn't crowded with brains.
Someone who goes into the NFL Season with Orton and Grossman as its two QBs isn’t crowded with brains.

Bills +6 and Jaguars
A hole in your britches lets in a heap of uneasiness.
The Jags’ decimated offensive line is going to make for a very uneasy season for David Gerard and for the team’s medical staff.

49ers and Seahawks -7
The mule doesn't pull so well with a mortgage on his back.
Paying your two backups QBs over $8 million and have the cheapest player on the roster start is money management that’ll get you to run Lehman Brothers.

Falcons +7 at Buccaneers
Never trust a man too far who stays mad through Christmas week.
I also say don’t trust a man that starts Brian Griese at quarterback.

Patriots +2.5 at Jets
A bull without horns can still do some right sharp pushing.
Just because they lost the QB who had the greatest season ever, do not count out the Pats. They still have of plenty talent…and videotapes.

Dolphins at Cardinals -7
It doesn't take a prophet to predict bad luck.
I don’t think I will be confused with Nostradamus when I say the Dolphins will be terrible…or that the Cardinals will look like a playoff team this week and still not make the playoffs.

Ravens at Texans -4.5
Folks on the rich bottomland stop bragging when the river rises.
Here’s hoping that the people of Houston can worry more about their football team than their homes.

Chargers at Broncos +2
A sharp axe is better than big muscle.
What do lumberjacks and Bronco offensive linemen have in common? They both chop for a living.

Steelers -6 at Browns
Trying to understand some folks is like guessing at the direction of a rat hole underground.
If you can explain why Romeo Crennel kicked a field goal when his team was down three touchdowns in the 4th quarter, MIT will give you a doctorate in quantum physics.

Eagles at Cowboys -6.5
Watch out when you're getting all you want. Fattened hogs ain't in luck.
Jerry Jones and the Cowboys are getting all they want. New Stadium. Super star players. Reality TV Shows. Bleached blond celebrity cheerleaders. The only thing they won’t get…a playoff win.

Last week record 10-6
Season record 10-6

My real “seriously I’m going to bet” Picks
Bears/Panthers Over 37
Patriots +2.5 over Jets
Texans -4.5 over Ravens
Bills +6 over Jaguars

Last week 3-1
Season 3-1

The NFL's Rodney Dangerfield

Every season, the team that wins the title will spout off that they were given no respect. This is usually some trumped up, self motivational tactic to get them to play hard, as opposed playing hard for the millions of dollars they are getting paid.

With the exception of last year's Giants (who still get no respect), this is a bunch of bull. I would love to see a team lose and say "Gee, no one was giving us any respect and I guess they were right."

But there is one player in the NFL who absolutely deserves to say he gets no respect- Jeff_Garcia.

This week, Buc's coach Jon Gruden made up a ankle injury for Garcia so he could bench him and start Brian Griese. Garcia has one bad game (a game his team could have won) after leading them to the playoffs last year yet he gets yanked. I never thought I'd have any sympathy for a millionaire, but I am starting to feel sorry for him, especially since I have been guilty of showing him no respect too.



Look at what has happened to him:


Undrafted in college, he is forced to play in the CFL. Playing football in Canada is like playing baseball in Miami. If no one is watching you play are you really playing?



Gets a shot to play for the Niners. Has Pro Bowl seasons. Leads them to the playoffs. Gets ripped by his best wide receiver (although he made him a Pro Bowl player too) and then eventually gets dumped after one bad year.

Said wide receiver along with a host of others question his sexuality. This despite the fact he married one of the sexiest women in the world.



Has to endure stops in Detroit and Cleveland and judged as a washed up QB, even though those teams have collectively been to a total of zero Super Bowls.

Goes to the Eagles, takes over for an injured McNabb and leads them to 5 straight wins and the division crown along with a playoff win. Then he is not offered a contract in favor of AJ Feeley.



Goes to the Bucs. In his first season, leads them to the playoffs, then gets benched for Brian Griese. Brian friggin Griese who could not beat out Rex Grossman!

Of course he still goes home every night to Carmella DeCesare and he probably can afford his mortgage...

oh screw you Garcia, I'm going back to feeling sorry for myself.

Real Predictions for NFL Season

If you are going to have credibility in the sports world, you have to make outrageous predictions before the season starts on what will happen. In order to get my official “guy with a blog who knows nothing” membership card, I am required to make such predictions.

Here are my “dead solid lock” - “take it to the bank” – “if I’m lying, I’m dying” things that will definitely happen this season. And by definitely, I mean pretty sure.

Chad Johnson will change his name to “Eight Five” in every language known to man. He will be committed to a mental institution when he tries to change it using Neptunese (the official language of the planet Neptune.)

Tom Brady will be listed as questionable or doubtful for every game of the year. He will of course play in every game of the season.

Halfway through the season, Cincinnati will start plucking players off their “Rikers Island Developmental Squad.”

The NBC studio show will have so many people on it, they will petition to become a team in the league.

Brett Favre will make 5 unbelievably great “I can’t believe what I just saw” plays this season.

Brett Favre will make 15 unbelievably terrible “What the hell was he thinking” plays this season.
During Week 4, Aaron Rodgers will become so freaked, his eyes will literally pop out of his head. They are already halfway out.

There will be more commercials featuring either one or both of the Manning boys than the total number of presidential campaign ads.

The NFL Network still won’t get on anymore cable networks.

The Dolphins WILL NOT make the playoffs.

These teams WILL make the playoffs:

AFC
Patriots
Steelers
Chargers
Jags
Colts
Broncos

NFC
Cowboys
Packers
Saints
Seahawks
Giants
Vikings

And finally… Super Bowl XLIII will be a rematch of Super Bowl XL with the Steelers against the Seahawks. And once again, the referees will win it for the Steelers.

NOTE- To all my friends that are Steelers fans, I apologize for the obvious open mouth kiss of death.

Week 1- Mo' Money, Mo' Money

Flush with success with my correct pick for the first game of the year, I am so overwhelmed with a sense of confidence that I have officially given notice to my day job and will live solely on my prognostication skills.

I will eat, sleep, drink and lather myself head to toe with all things football. After crunching the numbers, I figure to have accumulated enough money by the end of the Super Bowl that I will never have to work a real job again. However, it will not be enough money for my wife not to work again. She unfortunately will have to keep her 10 hour a day job. I feel really bad for her.

Now if you want in on this money making venture, all you have to do is:

$- Stopping paying all your bills. You will need the extra cash for your gambling bankroll

$- Get the Playboy Football coverage issue. Really, just read it for the insight.

$- Move to the state of Nevada or out of the United States (I know. Isn’t that the same thing?) Sports wagering in only legal in Nevada. Thanks President McCain.

$- Follow the picks I give you every week. My motto is “if you hate money, don’t listen to me.”

Week 1 Picks (picks in bold)

Bengals -1.5 at Ravens – The Ravens offense will be the only one the Bengals will stop all year.

Jets at Dolphins +3 – Pennington says revenge will play no part in this game. Pennington is a liar.

Chiefs +16 at Patriots – The Chiefs won’t be able to slow down the Pats, but Tropical Storm Hanna can.

Texans at Steelers -6.5- Ben is excited that he has receivers that are tall and have big hands, which makes him similar to 90% of women.

Jaguars at Titans +3 - The Titans offense- your cure for insomnia.

Lions -3 at Falcons - Congratulations Atlanta! You have made the Lions a road favorite for the first time since the Carter Administration.

Seahawks PK at Bills- After hours of analysis, I picked the Seahawks because the coin came up heads.

Buccaneers at Saints -3.5 – After surviving Hurricane Gustav, you think the Saints are worried about Tropical Depression Garcia?

Rams +7 at Eagles- Everybody loves the Eagles. Nobody thinks much of the Rams. "Nobody" usually knows more than "everybody."

Cowboys -5 at Browns- Jessica Simpson covers songs better than the Browns cover receivers.

Panthers +9.5 at Chargers- I’d feel a little better about the Chargers if their QB, TE and best LB were not playing on one leg.

Cardinals at 49ers +2.5- Oh the Cardinals. Every year they are everyone’s sleeper pick to improve. And every year…oh you know the rest of the story.

Bears +9.5 at Colts- Pssst. Colts. I have a little tip. DO NOT KICK IT TO HESTER!!!!! I swear if they kick it to him, I am going to demand Dungy visit a court appointed shrink.

Vikings at Packers -2.5- I just feel for the kid and want him to do well. But if Rodgers costs me money here, he’s dead to me.

Broncos -3 at Raiders – Shanahan just won’t let go of that grudge against Al Davis. Kind of like Rosie can’t let go of the girls on the View…or fried chicken.

My real “seriously I’m going to bet” Picks
Chiefs/Patriots – under 45
Bears/Colts- under 44.5
Bengals -1.5 over Ravens
Broncos -3 over Vikings

This is why I drafted Chris Cooley

Looks like actual football players know as little about fantasy football as I do.

Who says Miami isn't a baseball town?

600 people braved the partly cloudy, 90 degree conditions to attend a Marlins home game on Wednesday afternoon.
http://www.miamiherald.com/sports/story/670592.html

Talk about service. You had one stadium staff person for every fan at the game.

I demand the City of Miami get its act together and build that multi-million dollar stadium so these 600 people can have more comfortable seats and unobstructed views.

McCain v. Football

vs.

The possible future leader of the free world will be making the most important speech of his career tomorrow. This moment could usher the election of a man who will lead 300 million Americans, and arguably the 6 billion people of the world.

Not that anyone will be watching, because a much, much more important moment will be ushered in tomorrow night…the official booing of Eli Manning will commence.

Despite the Republicans trying to define what Americans are, “real” Americans will be riveted to the opening of the NFL season at Giants Stadium tomorrow night, allowing us to focus for the next several months on something more important than those pesky calls from the bank asking for something called “my mortgage payment.”

As for the booing of Eli Manning, I officially put the over/under on that moment to be after he calls the coin toss incorrectly. Look Eli, although you heroically led the Giants to the most improbable Super Win in history, don’t think Vinnie from Brooklyn “is gonna let yous pansy ass off the hook.” This is New York. And New York only accepts winners! (exceptions include: Yankees, Mets, Rangers, Knicks, Islanders, and Jets.)

In addition to the obligatory TV shots of Archie Manning’s agape mouth as his son throws 4 picks, here are some other fun moments to watch for tomorrow night as we collectively ignore John McCain and his painfully forced grinning.

John Madden will talk more about New York’s other quarterback more than the one playing at the time. Thanks God Favre is back. Seeing Madden without Favre would be like seeing Hall without Oates, Lenny without Squiggy, or Ennis without Jack.

Daniel Snyder will have that deer caught in the headlights look as he realizes he just hired a head coach without any head coaching or even coordinator experience. He’ll quickly get on the phone to the head football coach of Wasilla High School.

No less than 6 airings of “The Catch” from the Super Bowl, coupled with highlights of David Tyree getting blocked on kick coverage.

An uncomfortable moment in the pre game show when Tiki Barber quickly clarifies a previous statement, “I said ‘Luck, Eli’ I swear that is what I said.”

Al Michaels will make at least two scripted jokes about Jason Taylor and dancing. Both will completely go over the head of Madden…and the rest of the football watching audience. Just like most of what he says.

Also:
Kevin Boss will make people say “Jeremy who?”
Ahmad Bradshaw will run like a man happy not to be in jail.
Tom Coughlin will only throw his hands up once.
And…..
The Giants will win and cover the 4 point spread.

He steals my job, I steal his underwear.

Tatum Bell apparently stole Rudi Johnson's luggage after the Detroit Lions signed Rudi and cut Tatum.

This validates my picking Tatum first in my Fantasy Theivery League.

What Brett Favre is Missing Out On

If Brett would just go away, he could get tribute songs like this.

Reactive

Film from the 48 Hour Film Project in Las Vegas, 2008.

Good Luck Babies?

I think they just used up all their good luck in not getting KILLED!

Marlins Play in the Worst Stadium and in Front of the Dumbest Fans. Still Have Won More World Series in Last Century than the Cubs.

SI.com had fans rate the top baseball stadiums in the majors and, as expected, Dolphins Stadium, home of the Marlins, ranked dead last.

This is a park that gets so small of a crowd that catchers have to whisper to pitchers on the mound for fear their voice will echo through the empty chairs.

The stadium that ranked first was Cleveland's Jacobs Field, home of great prices, great promotions and exactly zero championships in the last 60 years.

So Marlins, don't move! Keep your lousy home field disadvantage and $500,000 payroll. It works. You've won more championships this decade than the Yankees.

Honest to Goodness Heartwarming Story

Nothing snarky to say about this great story of real sportsmanship.

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncaa/columns/story?columnist=hays_graham&id=3372631

Although if this happened in a Yankee-Red Sox Game, they would have made the guy crawl on his belly around the bases..while pressing one foot down on his back.

New "90210" looking to cast Parcells

The head of football operations for the Miami Dolphins, and prepubescent teenage girl, Bill Parcells gave his one and only pro bowl player, Jason Taylor, the "I'm not talking to you and you know why" treatment a few weeks ago.

Obviously jealous that Jason would rather hang out with new BFFs Tom Bergeron and Bruno Toniolli, Bill refused to talk to him when he visited Dolphins camp. Taylor was hoping to impress on his teammates how the erotic hip movements of the samba will hypnotize offensive tackles and get him 20 sacks next season.




When word of Parcells junior high antics reached the new producers of "90210," they shrieked in delight. "That is just the kind of bitchy personality we need on the set to fill the Shannon Dougherty role," said a highly caffeinated executive.

Japanese Olympic Train Stuffing Team

This would have been a good day to use deordorant.

Canadians Riot After Game 7 Win, But in Polite Fashion

Montreal Canadiens fans celebrated their team's Game 7 win over the Boston Bruins with the customary burning of cars and looting. In another sign that our neighbors to the north will not be outdone in the "boorish behavior" category, Canada showed once and for all why they deserve to be called the "Detroit of the North."


My favorite tidbit from the riot came from this Canadian Press line -

"The overall level of organization may have been somewhat relative. One merchant said looters walked off with 14 displayed high-end running shoes - all of them for the left foot."


If I were the Montreal police, I'd look for 14 men running really fast...in circles.

United States Steps Up Trade War with Canada. Sends Miami Dolphins to Play in Toronto.

The 2008 NFL schedule was released today with the accustomed over the top fanfare that an event that is 5 months in the offing deserves.

As usual, the league is still punishing ESPN for "Playmakers" by giving them a lousy line up for Monday night football. (see Nov 10 Cardinals v. 49ers in which both teams will already be eliminated from the playoffs)

The biggest shocker has to be the decision to send the Miami Dolphins to help represent NFL football in another foreign country. Hadn't last year's game in London sent US-British relations to depths not seen since1812?

This is clearly a preemptive response by the U.S. to the unfair trade practice Canada will launch in the form of Mike Myers' "The Love Guru," coming to theaters this summer.

It's terrible...and yet I can't stop watching it.

The first rule of Hockey Club is - you do not talk about Hockey Club

Second Rule of Hockey Club is- you keep your head on a swivel.

Royals sweep Tigers. City plans ticker tape parade.

The Kansas City Royals have done the impossible. They are in first place after a whole three games into the season after sweeping the Tigers today.

This is a development on par with the US Hockey team in 1980, the NY Giants in this year's Super Bowl and "Full House" lasting eight season on network TV. The mayor of Kansas City announced this afternoon a full blown celebration to honor the team when they return from getting swept by Minnesota this weekend.

"I don't care if there is 159 more games left, the history books will show that on this date the Kansas City Royals are kings of the baseball world," an inebriated Royals fan said as he tried to scalp his tickets to the home opener to a Yankees fan.

It's one, two, three, four, five strikes, you're out!

The Bengals have put their foot down, drawn a line in the sand, and had the last straw break its camel's back. After being arrested once again, the Bengals cut wide receiver Chris Henry today. This happened after the 5th time he had been arrested since December 2005. The first four arrests apparently fell into Cincinnati's "boys will be boys will be felons" standard and did not warrant expulsion.

My job once put me on probation for taking home a pad of post-its. Granted it was the violet colored ones... and I do only run a 7.8 40 yard dash. In hindsight, I should have been shot.