Friday, October 30, 2009

Week 8- Scary Thoughts

In honor of all hallows’ eve, here are the scariest things about each of this weekend's games along with my picks (in bold):

Denver +3.5 at Baltimore
At first it was the thought of the Broncos without Jay Culter, now it is the thought of the Broncos with Jay Cutler. Any doubt that Denver would be 1-5 with Jay throwing 11 picks already?

Browns at Bears -13.5
The crazy new reason Mangini will come up with to fine his players. I predict a $2000 fine for not tipping the water boy during timeouts.

Texans -3.5 at Bills
The idea that one or both of these teams is still a threat to make the playoffs. What will Buffalo do if they can’t fire Dick Jauron?

Vikings at Packers -3
Brett Favre will have a harder time getting out of Green Bay than Snake Plissken had getting out of New York City.

49ers at Colts -11.5
The thought of how many points the Colts would score if someone told Peyton Manning he could get another commercial if they hit 100.

Miami +3.5 at Jets
The thought for Jets fans and players that they might get beat again by a high school game plan.

Rams +4 at Lions
In this economy, the fact that some people actually paid money to watch this game.

Seahawks +9.5 at Cowboys
Being in the owner’s box with Jerry Jones either when Romo throws another pick 6 or when he gets his chemical peal facial.

Raiders at Chargers -16.5
The fright on the face of a Raiders receiver going across the middle to attempt to catch a Jamarcus Russell pass. Seriously, he might get someone decapitated.

Jaguars +3 at Titans
The serious possibility that if the Titans lose badly, Vince Young could go Carrie on the whole stadium.

Panthers +9 at Cardinals
For every Panther fan, the sight of Jake Delhomme dropping back to pass

Giants +2 at Eagles
Watching a guy in a Yankee hat trying to get out of the Philly Stadium with all his limbs.

Falcons +9.5 at Saints
For the Falcons, be very afraid of jumping to a 21 point 2nd quarter lead. It’s like the homecoming queen losing her virginity in a slasher pick. You know it’s going to end badly for her.

Hopefully it will not end badly for me. Coming off another, albeit slim, winning week.

Last Week 7-5-1
Season 54-48-1

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Week 7- They Said What?

Often on this website and other sports related ones, we poke fun at the errors and mishaps of athletes. Heck, it follows our motto here, “It’s fun to make fun of someone before they make fun of us.” But why limit ourselves to just the players on the field. As was suggested by my friend, deejay. mr. m, the mishaps extend beyond the field and into the booth.

So to honor (and exploit) the foibles of the guys (and gals) calling sports, here is the top 5 clips of announcer screw ups caught on tape. Or I should say the top 5 I could get quality video of on You Tube.

Berman Blow Up
Before Christian Bale, there was this Chris Berman blow up over essentially the same thing, people walking in front of him while he is working. To be honest, I do the same thing at work when some interrupts my line of sight while I am playing minesweeper.

Marino Freak Out
Think he could just leave that fiery nature on the sideline when he retired. Nope. Marino does to a desk what he did to receivers that ran errant routes. I love Nick Buoniconti’s reaction. He was a linebacker and he’s still freaked.

Sports Announcer mishaps are an equal opportunity event.
Here are a couple of funny moments from two of ESPN female sideline reporters. It is the ultimate recognition of professional acceptance when you can be made fun for screwing up. A nickel for anyone who can guess what Rachel Nichols was doing right before this clip.

College Football Announcers say what we all feel.
I love football, but honestly there are some moments that make me question whether I love it a little too much. This announcer's comments probably hit a little too close to home to many a male football fan causing us to give that uncomfortable laugh – yeah that was funny… and true.

Finally, this is the all time standard bearer of on screen sports announcer meltdowns. The “Boom Goes the Dynamite” kid. It both hilarious and painful, because honestly, isn’t there a little bit of fear we could do the same thing. The good news is he eventually graduated and became a TV reporter.

Here are my picks for the week. Last week I was an even 7-7. I guarantee I will not go .500 this week. I can guarantee this because there are only 13 games. And I had some check my math.

My picks are in bold.

Chargers -5.5 at Chiefs
Colts -13 at Rams
Bears +1.5 at Bengals
Packers -7 at Browns
Vikings +4 at Steelers
Patriots +14.5 at Bucs (in London)
49ers +3 at Texans
Jets -6.5 at Raiders
Bills at Panthers -7.5
Saints -6.5 at Dolphins
Falcons +3.5 at Cowboys
Cardinals at Giants -7
Eagles -7 at Redskins

Last week: 7-7
Season 47-43

Friday, October 16, 2009

Week 6- Stepped on a pop-top

With Jimmy Buffet owning the naming rights for Dolphin Stadium, the marketing department has taken the extra, completely over the top, step of playing his song “Fins” every time the home team scores. This got me thinking, “Why should the Dolphins monopolize the musical genius that is Jimmy Buffet.”

So in order to spread the gift of his artistry around, here are some suggestions of Buffet songs that other NFL teams can usurp and the perfect times they should blast them.

Whenever Mike Singletary enters the locker at halftime when the 49ers are losing

A Pirate Looks at 40
When Brett Favre announces his retirement, again

Cheeseburger in Paradise
When JaMarcus Russell enters the field

The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful
When the Tampa Bay Buccaneers kick off

Why don’t we get drunk and screw
When Ben Roethlisberger scores…(in anyway)

Changes in Latitude, Changes in Attitudes
For Terrell Owens whenever another ball goes through his hands

Come Monday
Played at Vegas sports books for bettors looking to recoup all their Sunday loses on the Monday Night game.

For all the Lions, Chiefs, Rams, Raiders, Bucs, Bills and Browns fans. It’s the place they need to go to endure their team.

With his soothing tunes playing in the background and under the influence of an undisclosed number of “Boat Drinks,” I have made my picks for Week 6.

My picks are in bold.

Chiefs +6.5 at Redskins
Texans +5 at Bengals
Browns at Steelers -14
Ravens at Vikings -3
Rams at Jaguars -10
Giants +3
at Saints
Panthers -3.5 at Bucs
Lions at Packers -13.5
Eagles -14 at Raiders
Cardinals at Seahawks -2.5
Bills at Jets -10
Titans at Patriots -9.5
Bears at Falcons -3
Broncos +4 at Chargers

Last Week: 10-4
Season: 40-36

Friday, October 9, 2009

Week 5 - Questions Answered

From time to time, readers of this site might have questions of me they would like answered. I have no idea what those questions are since no one actually ever writes in with questions. However, if they did, I suppose these a sample of what they would ask.

I have taken the pre-emptive approach of answering these queries before you even get a chance to ask them. Thinking ahead. That's what we do here. Kind of like planning ahead what plays you will call when you get the ball inside the 10 with less than a minute to play. Huh Dallas?

What did you think of what Favre did on Monday?
I am no Vikings fan, but I am a fan of human misery. Heck who isn’t? Secretly most people are fans of watching others suffer. And if they are not a “fan” of misery, they at least have it as a friend on Facebook. So I found it enjoyable to watch Brett Favre rip out the collective heart of an entire fan base, show it to them as it still beats, and then use it as a door stop for the barn door on his farm in Mississippi.

Having said that, if Dan Marino had ever played for the Jets, I would have shanked him.

What formula do you use to pick games? I’d like to know so I can use the complete opposite?
Ha. Another satisfied customer. Honestly, I study each team’s strengths and weakness, what the weather conditions will be game day, and the recent history these teams have against each other. Then I do what every other Vegas gambler does, I throw all that away and go with whatever the callers on sport talk radio say I should. Louie from the Bronx sounds like he really knows his stuff…when I can hear him over his mother screaming in the background.

If you could play any position on a football team, what would it be?
That’s simple. Third-string emergency QB. I get a great view of the game standing on the sideline calling in the plays. The odds of me actually having to play, and therefore get hurt, are minimal at best. And I get to attend all the team functions which usually have great food and an open bar. Free food and drink. The dream of any football player.

What team has impressed you the most?
Jacksonville Jaguars. Hands down. Their fan support is putrid and yet they are 2-2. This is a decent team with a decent history and yet even the Lions (who reside in the most economically decimated area of the US) out draws them. It also begs the questions - If a team wins a game, and no one is there to watch them, do they still gather for the post game prayer?

What do you enjoy the most in watching a football game?
The fans. Specifically fans that have money on the game. There is no joy like the sight of a grown man hitting a five team parlay when an extra point gets blocked. If asked at that moment, he would say it was a greater event than the birth of his child. And who can blame him. Anyone with a measurable sperm count can get someone pregnant, but taking the rent payment out of your girlfriend’s diary and placing it all on 5 teams to win, now that’s balls.

Who do you think is going to win this week? And by win, I mean cover the spread?
Funny you should ask. Here are my picks for the week. I feel flush with success having come off a 9-5 week.

If you hate money, don’t bet on these picks!

My picks are in bold.

Vikings -10 at Rams
Cowboys at Chiefs +8.5
Redskins at Panthers -3.5
Bucs at Eagles -14
Raiders at Giants -15
Browns at Bills -6
Bengals +8.5 at Ravens
Steelers -10.5 at Lions
Falcons at 49ers -2.5
Patriots at Broncos +3.5
Texans at Cardinals -5.5
Jaguars at Seahawks (PK)
Colts -3.5 at Titans
Jets at Dolphins +2

Last week 9-5
Season: 30-32

Friday, October 2, 2009

Lifetime Television Meets Football

For the month of October, the NFL is taking the very admirable step of recognizing Breast Cancer Awareness month. Goals posts, players’ shoes, towels, etc will be colored pink to recognize the ongoing fight against this terrible disease.

This special attention may end up drawing more of a certain small subsection of our society that is currently under represented in the football viewing pool. This group is called WOMEN.

For women new to watching the gridiron glory, we at Blame the Mascot have come up with some helpful guides to explain some of the finer aspects of the game.

Illegal contact. You know when a woman is on the dance floor and it’s okay for a guy to put his hands on her hips and grind a little close, but when they leave for the obligatory drink he owes her, he has to keep his hands off. Well, the first five yards are the dancing, and after five yards is the drink.

Pass Interference. This is when the above woman has finished the drink he owed her for dancing with him and he is still groping her.

First Down. It’s like when a woman goes on a diet and loses 10 lbs. She feels such a sense of accomplishment that she binge eats and then starts the diet all over. After going ten yards, the team purges and starts another ten-yard diet.

Head Butts. You know when a woman tells another woman something great and they scream in a high-pitched voice that actually gets a response from canines within a 5 mile radius. Guys can’t reach that note so we bash each other’s head to equate that ringing in our ears.

Play Action Pass. You think the play is one thing but it turns out to be another. It’s like when a woman begins an argument with her husband about him always leaving dirty dishes in the sink and all of a sudden she turns into a fight about how he hates her mother.

The Red Challenge Flag. It’s like when a girlfriend wears an outfit that she thought looked good when she put it on in the morning, but now that you see her in the light of day, you realize that those lavender shoes do not go with the plum dress. The red flag is like taking her to a mirror so she can have another look.

Roughing the kicker. Similar to when women forbid their boyfriends from going within 50 yards of the sorority little sister they once hooked up with after an especially raucous game of beer bong. The kicker is that sorority sister.

Zone Defense vs. Man to Man Defense. When men go shopping, they know exactly what they want to buy and go directly for it. That’s like man to man defense. When women shop, they cover an entire floor of Macy’s, picking up anything and everything that catches their eye. That’s zone defense.

Illegal Block in the Back. Remember last night when your boyfriend wanted to try something “different” and you wanted no part of it.

Brett Favre. When a woman gets a divorce and tells her ex that he can date anyone he wants just not her sister. Then he dates her sister. Brett is that ex.

With these viewing tips, I am sure more women will tune into football this weekend with a greater understanding of the game. And within 15 minutes, change the channel to a Sex and the City marathon on TBS.

Here are the picks for this week. With my wife’s help, I moved up to 8-8 last week. This week I am diving into the deep end without a lifeguard. Swim with me at your own peril.

My picks are in bold.

Raiders at Texans -9.5
Titans -3 at Jaguars
Ravens at Patriots -2
Bengals at Browns +5.5
Giants -8.5 at Chiefs
Lions +10 at Bears
Bucs at Redskins -7
Seahawks at Colts -9.5
Jets at Saints -6.5
Bills at Dolphins +2
Rams at 49ers -9.5
Cowboys -3 at Broncos
Chargers +6.5 at Steelers
Packers at Vikings -3.5

Last week picks 8-8
Season: 21-27

Excerpts from this article orginally appeared in The Bachelor Guy