Friday, December 26, 2008

Week 17- Dear, Dear Dolphins

Dear Miami Dolphins,

We’ve been going together for as long as I can remember. We’ve had our ups. 17-0 season. A.J. Duhe mud-drenched INT for a TD against the Jets. The Marino Era. And we’ve had our downs. Super Bowls 17 & 19 and the entire past 6 years.

After last season’s 1-15, we had a huge fight. Said things to each other that neither of us can ever take back, then went our separate ways. I agreed to get back with you this September, but on a strictly casual basis. I had no expectations from you. I figure we’ll get together each Sunday, maybe one thing would lead to another and you might actually win 2-3 games. We’d have some laughs, joke about how bad our defense was without Jason Taylor, and kid that we can’t complete a pass for more than 5 yards. Since I expected nothing, I figured I couldn’t get emotionally invested. It was a safe relationship. The safest I’ve ever had with you. I was so looking forward to our new “fans with benefits” status.

All that has changed. It started when you beat the Pats. For the first time in years, my heart beat a little bit faster when I thought of you. Your name was mentioned on ESPN more often. I would surf the internet to get more info about you. Then you go and win 8 of the last 9 games. It’s like you are a completely different team than I have ever known. Your helmets sparkle brighter. Your run plays are more attractive. When the other team has the ball, I don’t throw up waiting for the impending long TD pass.

It’s so hard for me to say these things after all you have done to me, but, Miami Dolphins, I have fallen for you again. Damn you. Damn you. You’ve made me care again. Where once there was a dried up bit of coal now beats a heart full of hope and fanaticism.

I know how this might end, in the cruelest of fashions as you break my heart at a cold, windy, cesspool of a place called the Meadowlands. You’ve done it to me so many times before. While my head says you’ll do it again, the aqua and orange blood racing through my veins says to give you one more chance. That this time you will NOT leave me curled up in the fetal position as I chant in a catatonic state “Miami has the Dolphins, the greatest football team...” until paramedics are called to remove me for mine and my neighbors own good.

No this time will be different. Because you love us Dol-Fans. You really love us.


Co-dependently yours,

The Mascot

As if I really care about any of the other games, here are my picks for Week 17.

Raiders at Bucs -13
Lions at Packers -9.5
Cowboys +1
at Eagles
Giants at Vikings -6.5
Bears +2.5
at Texans
Panthers at Saints +3
Rams +14
at Falcons
Chiefs at Bengals -3
Jaguars +12
at Ravens
Titans -3 at Colts
Browns at Steelers -10.5
Dolphins +2.5
at Jets
Patriots -6.5 at Bills
Seahawks at Cardinals -6
Redskins at 49ers -3
Denver +8
at Chargers

Last Week 7-9
Season 119-113-7

Real Picks
Steelers -11 over Browns
Pats/Bills Under 42.5
Bucs -13 over Raiders

Last week 2-3
Season 28-26-4

Friday, December 19, 2008

Week 16 - Prayer

When I played youth league soccer, the coach designated me as the official leader of the pregame prayer. I can’t recall why this ritual started. Miami is not what you call a particularly religious community (Santeria being the exception). Just all of a sudden, in mid season, the coach decided it would be a good idea.

The team would huddle in a circle and we all bowed our heads. I would recite some short prayer I recalled from Mass, Nick our midfielder would fart, everyone would giggle, and we concluded with an “Amen” that was screamed so as to intimidate the other team. At the time, I thought it was silly, but I now realize what that coach lacked in actual coaching technique he made up for by being a trend setter in sport.

Flash forward a “few” years and now prayer is as much a part of the game as the Gatorade shower. The players pray before the game. They huddle up to pray after the game. They praise God in the post game interview (except after losing.) Today our football games are so full of prayer that after watching them I feel the urge to renew my catechistic vows.

Since speaking to God has become such a big part of the game, I have become the world’s first sports prayerologist. Being a specialist in the area of heavenly beseeching, I’ll give you insight on a few of this weekend’s pregame prayers. This is privileged information known only by the teams, God and the NSA.

By Tony Romo- “Please Lord, have Ray Lewis put me out of my misery so I no longer endure the constant bickering from the women in my life- Jessica and T.O.”

By the Dolphins- “Seriously Lord, what you’ve done for us this season after what we went through last year, we got nothing to ask. Okay, maybe one thing - unload Joey Porter’s gun.”

By the 49ers- “Lord, let us play better because we cannot bear to see any more parts of Coach Singletary’s bare anatomy.”

By Andy Reid- “Lord, let us win this game and play hard…hard…hard. Hardee’s. Hardee’s burgers. Lord, let there be a Hardee’s near the stadium.”

Combined prayer of Browns, Bengals, Rams, Chiefs and Seahawks- “Lord, send us back in time to an era when the season was only 14 games long.”

By the Cardinals- “Lord, we really don’t want to play in this weather. And since we really don’t need this game, would we go to hell if we just forfeited?”

By the Lions- “Please God, let us win one game. Going 0-16 would be like getting a sports STD with no amount of penicillin that will remove it.”

Below are my picks for Week 16. (Note: Pray before use)

Ravens +4.5 at Cowboys
Steelers at Titans +2
Dolphins at Chiefs +3.5
Cardinals at Patriots -7.5
Bengals +2.5 at Browns
Eagles at Redskins +4.5
49ers -5.5
at Rams
Falcons at Vikings -3.5
Saints at Lions +7
Panthers +3.5 at Giants
Jets at Seahawks +5
Texans -7 at Raiders
Bills +7 at Broncos
Chargers at Bucs -4
Packers at Bears -5

Thursday 0-1

Last Week 4-9-3
Season 112-105-7

Heavenly Picks
Pats/Cardinals Under 44.5
Lions +7 over Saints
Buffalo +7 over Broncos
Seahawks +5 over Jets
Bucs -4 over Chargers

Last week 1-1-1
Season 26-23-4

Friday, December 12, 2008

Week 15- I'm shocked, shocked!

They say the NFL is full of surprises, but is it really? Shouldn’t we have known ahead of time many of the events that occurred this season. You can see it coming like a Brett Favre 4th quarter interception.

Here are my picks for Week 15 with some things that have shocked me just like Capt. Renault was shocked to learn there was gambling at Rick’s.

My picks are in bold.

Packers -2 at Jaguars
I’m shocked, shocked, that a team is out of the playoffs that let go of a hall of fame QB in favor of one who had NEVER started a game .

Lions +17 at Colts
I’m shocked, shocked, that giving the President and GM position to a guy right out of the broadcast booth would drive a franchise to historic depths.

Redskins -6.5 at Bengals
I’m shocked, shocked, that a first year head coach who calls out a star player loses respect of his million dollar players.

Bucs at Falcons -3
I’m shocked, shocked, that a team with a QB who can complete forward passes is doing better than they were with a guy who could hit the broadside of barn.

49ers +6.5 at Dolphins
I’m shocked, shocked, that a team full of players scared ****less of losing their job are playing incredibly better. (can apply to both teams.)

Seahawks -3 at Rams
I’m shocked, shocked, that players would not give 100% to a head coach they know will not be their head coach in 3 more weeks.

Bills at Jets -7
I’m shocked, shocked, the Jets are not showing off their historic championship mettle at the end of the season.

Titans -3.5 at Texans
I’m shocked, shocked, (see Bucs Falcons comment)

Steelers at Ravens -2
I’m shocked, shocked, that a wide receiver for the Steelers would actually try to hit those poor little Ravens defender whose only desire in the world is to decapitate their opposition.

Broncos +7.5 at Panthers
I’m shocked, shocked, that a Broncos running back would get hurt for the season.

Chargers -5 at Chiefs
I’m shocked, shocked, that Norv Turner has spun a successful franchise right around and has them heading downward.

Vikings at Cardinals -3
I’m shocked, shocked, that doing beer bongs with coeds did not prepare Matt Leinart to be a starting QB.

Patriots -7 at Raiders
I’m shocked, shocked, at absolutely nothing that Al Davis says or does.

Giants +3 at Cowboys
I’m shocked, shocked, that Terrell Owens would utter even the slightest criticism of his starting QB.

Browns at Eagles +14.5
I’m shocked, shocked, ESPN has to pay for the rights to broadcast this game. (Seriously, I am shocked.)

Thursday 0-0-1
Last Week 8-8
Season 108-95-5

Picks that aren't so shocking

Bears -3 over Saints
49ers +6.5 over Dolphins
Giants +3 over Cowboys

This Week 0-0-1
Last week 1-2
Season 25-22-4

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Five Things that will happen in the Saints/Bears game tonight

1. The words “Star Caps” will be mentioned more times that “catch by Shockey.”

2. There will be at least three cutaways to some idiot in the stands with his shirt off.

3. There will be at least 5 cutaways to a cheerleader so bundled up you are not sure if it’s an attractive women or a person with severe case of Hypertrichosis. (Google it) Either way, most guys will be attracted.

4. If the Saints kicker or punter kicks it anywhere near Devin Hester, Sean Payton will remove from his sweatpants his league-issued Glock and shoot said kicker. It will be judged totally justifiable.

5. Since the Saints are allergic to both natural grass and scared to death to see their own breath, the Bears will win 31-20.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Week 14- Layoffs

This week it was announced America lost a record number of jobs in November. Unfortunately, those layoffs did not include some in America’s favorite game.

Along with my picks for Week 14, here are some people who need to join the ranks of the unemployed when last month’s job lost record gets broken in December.

My picks are in bold.

Bengals +13.5 at Colts
Chad Johnson because if you outlandishly change your name, you need to back it up with outlandish performance…but in the good way.

Jaguars +6.5 at Bears
Whoever decided to sign David Garrard to a long term deal because it looks like he is joining A-Ha, Kajagoogoo and Big Country in the one hit wonders bin.

Texans at Packers -6
Whoever decided those all red uniforms were a good idea to wear on Monday night. They honestly looked like one of the team from Any Given Sunday because the NFL would not license official use.

Browns at Titans -14
Braylon Edwards. Everyone thinks the head coach should get the axe, but I figure the Browns would have won at least 2-3 more games if it was for “Hands of Stone” Edwards. But like the old saying goes, you can’t fire the players so you fire the coach. Oh wait, this is the NFL. You CAN fire the players.

Vikings -9.5 at Lions
The so called experts that expect this to be the Lions only win. Did you see the way they handled the run game on Thanksgiving? Did you see that a certain Adrian Petersen plays for the Vikings?

Eagles at Giants -7
The weapons safety officer for the Giants. Don’t tell me they don’t have one…every NFL team should have one.

Falcons at Saints -3
The Saints’ equipment manager because he is obviously telling his players not to get grass stains on their uniforms. I can tell by the lousy way they play outside the dome.

Jets -3.5 at 49ers
The Jets’ official guy who keeps the team from letting down. (Mangini?)The Jets are 1-3 against the worse division in football (the AFC West) and 7-1 against the rest of the league.

Dolphins +1 at Bills
Whoever in the Bills organization that agreed to give up a home game with the Dolphins in order to play in a dome. Your biggest advantage against Miami is that they are allergic to snow. Why don’t you sport them 14 points while you are at it?

Chiefs +9 at Broncos
The Broncos team pharmacist because he obviously not controlling their meds. They lose at home to the Raiders yet win on the road against the Jets? This team has more personalities than Brittney Spears.

Rams at Cardinals -14
The guy in charge of waking up the Rams on game day. In 3 of the last 4 games, they have been completely blown out by halftime. I suggest going to Target and investing in an alarm clock.

Cowboys at Steelers -3
The grounds crew at Heinz field. The turf is so bad I think the Steelers look forward to playing on the road.

Patriots -4.5 at Seahawks
The genius guy who put out the idea they should trade Tom Brady and keep Matt Cassel. I have two names for you: Dan Marino/Scott Mitchell

Redskins +6 at Ravens
Everybody on the Redskin offense not named Clinton Portis. Portis has been a warrior and if the rest of his team played as tough as him, they would be a “feel good” 7-5 instead of a “disappointing” 7-5.

Bucs at Panthers -3
If the offensive coordinator does not call every pass play for Steve Smith, he should be fired. If the past game proves anything, it doesn’t matter how many guys cover him, he will catch it.

Thursday 1-0
Last Week 9-7
Season 101-87-4

Picks that need no layoffs
Giants -7 over Eagles
Saints -3 over Falcons
Jets -3.5 over 49ers

Last week 3-0
Season 24-20-3

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Five Things that will happen in the Chargers/Raiders game tonight

1. By the third quarter, the game will be so bad that the NFL Network will cut away to the NHL Network.

2. Audience members will wet their pants when they get sight of Sebastian Jankowski coming toward them in 3-D.

3. Instead of the San Diego Chargers, the announcers will consistently refer to them as the “Underperforming Chargers.”

4. Al Davis will call down to the field demanding they put Fred Biletnikoff into the game.

5. Chargers will win 24-10.