Thursday, December 24, 2009

Week 16- Coaches and their Christmas Lists

Santa Claus might be smart and efficient enough to deliver presents to the approximately 6 billion people in the world, but his elves know nothing about cyber-security.

I had a team of 13 year old computer whiz kids work all this week year cracking Santa’s firewall. Instead of money, I just needed to ply them with X-box 360 games and show them a continuous loop of Megan Fox clips from both Transformers movies. My pre-pubescent commandos were able to crack Santa’s Google groups account and access the wish list of several NFL coaches.

I thought about not revealing what I learned in order to keep sacred the confidentially between Santa and his subjects; but alas, I need content for this week’s post.

Eric Mangini, Cleveland Browns- packing crates to load up his office.

Brad Childress, Minnesota Vikings- someone, anyone, to respect his authority.

Bill Belichick, New England Patriots- a play to gain 2 yards on 4th down.

Jim Caldwell, Indianapolis Colts- 1000 pounds of bubble wrap to protect his starters for the next two games.

Raheem Morris, Tampa Bay Buccaneers- a demotion back to linebackers coach where he wasn’t over his head.

Lovie Smith, Chicago Bears- the receipt so he can return that early Christmas gift he got with the Orton/Cutler trade.

Tony Sparano, Miami Dolphins- for anyone to recognize that it’s not all Bill Parcells.

Andy Reid, Philadelphia Eagles- Cookies. Cake. Oh, hell any kind of food.

John Fox, Carolina Panthers- ability not to have to play Jake Delhomme anymore. (already granted)

Gary Kubiak, Houston Texans- football games that end after three quarters.

Tom Cable, Oakland Raiders- a meeting with Dana White to join UFC

Mike McCarthy, Green Bay Packers- for Tiger Woods and Brett Favre to trade places

The Mascot, Blame the Mascot- winning picks for this week to overcome my horrendous previous week.

So below are the straight from the North Pole. (picks in bold)

Chargers +3 at Titans
Seahawks at Packers -14
Raiders +3.5 at Browns
Chiefs at Bengals -13.5
Bills +9.5 at Falcons
Texans at Dolphins -3
Panthers +7 at Giants
Bucs at Saints -14
Jaguars +7.5 at Patriots
Ravens +2.5 at Steelers
Broncos at Eagles -7
Rams at Cardinals -14
Lions +12 at 49ers
Jets +6.5 at Colts
Cowboys at Redskins +7
Vikings at Bears +7.5

Last Week 5-10-1

Season 118-101-5

Friday, December 18, 2009

Week 15- You might need help

As a public service to our readers, here are some signs you are a degenerative gambler.

If one or more of these items pertain to you, we suggest you seek immediate help from a licensed professional or take out a second mortgage on your home to cover your losses.

You picked against Peyton Manning on a night game (see my pick from yesterday.)

You find out the point guard for the WNBA’s LA Sparks has a bum knee so you bet against them. You degenerative not because you are using this info, but because you are BETTING ON THE WNBA!

You refuse to bet anything less than a five team parlay because you just it’s just not worth it unless you are making 25 to 1 on your money.

You have said the following this year- “There is no way the Rams can be that bad. I’m taking the points!” (see my picks below.)

You have used the rational – “Yes, but if I bet my rent payment and I win, then I don’t have to pay rent for 2 months!”

You have the following exchange with your landlord:
You: (sniffling) “I am sorry. I had the rent, but I spent the money for my dear mother’s funeral.”
Landlord: “I though she died right after the Patriots/Colts game?”
You: “That was my other mother.”

You base your wagers on anything said by anybody on Fox Sports.

You refuse to tip the pregnant cocktail waitress who has already served 5 complimentary Bud Lights because you are saving your dollar bills for keno.

The fact you actually play keno.

The list of bets you need to make this weekend is longer than your family’s grocery list.

You have ever Googled “blood banks near casinos.”

You have ever bought a book on “strategy” for roulette, craps and penny slots.

And finally....
You ignore my picks below even though I have winning better than 67% over the past two weeks.

Here are my picks for Week 15 (in bold.)

Cowboys at Saints -7
Packers +2 at Steelers
Dolphins +3 at Titans
Patriots at Bills +7
Cardinals -12 at Lions
49ers +8.5 at Eagles
Falcons +5 at Jets
Bears +10.5 at Ravens
Browns at Chiefs -2
Texans at Rams +11.5
Bengals at Chargers -6.5
Raiders at Broncos -12.5
Bucs at Seahawks -6.5
Vikings -8.5 at Panthers
Giants -3 at Redskins

Thursday 0-1

Last Week 11-5

Season 113-92-4

Thursday, December 17, 2009

It's not always the mascot's fault

My good friend, the spinmaster dj mr. m, recently made a point to me that it is not always the mascot's fault. Maybe I have been too harsh, but dammit 99% of the time I can directly link any team's loss or global economic crisis to a mascot. You hear me Phillie Phanatic who got me to refinance my home with an adjustable rate mortgage!

Here are three examples even I admit the mascot is not at fault.

I love the fact that not a single person goes over to the mascot to see if he is okay. They just stare at him as he rolls around in excruciating pain.

First time wearing a mascot costume-- check!

First time on ice skates check -- check!

Last time I'll be able to land a date-- check!

Everyone knows that (alleged) PEDs add 20 pounds to a person's frame.

Also, don't Blame the Mascot if you are degenerate enough to bet this week's Thursday night game between the Colts and Jaguars. You do not know if the Colts are going to play all their starters for the whole game and you do not know how bad the Jaguars really are.

If you do bet it, may I suggest you seek counseling and take the Jaguars plus the 3 points.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Week 14- Nothing exciting going on

There is a lot to cover in sports this week as the NFL season heads down the home stretch, the college bowl season is about to begin, the NFL and NBA are in full swing, MLB trades are happening and…oh my god I just saw that another women has come out saying she slept with Tiger Woods!

No. I am not going to get distracted over something as meaningless and private as Tiger Woods’ personal life. This post is all about analyzing what is happening on the field and, …good god, they have naked pictures of Tiger! Where?

I mean, not that I want to see it, but so I can avoid going to those sites, whatever they might be. Let’s discuss the NFL. There are several big games this weekend starting with the Dolphins and the Jaguars battling for a spot in the playoffs…Tiger might have drunk, stoned, and/or overdosing on Thanksgiving? What was he taking? How much? Does he know Michael Jackson’s doctor?

Never mind. Must stay focused. The Yankees had a big trade this week getting All-Star center fielder Curtis…Tiger’s mother-in-law is sick! Oh my god! Was she drunk, stoned, and/or overdosing? What was she taking? How much? Does she know Michael Jackson’s doctor?

Alright. I can'y keep going to TMZ. I am disconnecting my internet right no…

Okay, I pulled the wrong plug. I am back but have no internet capability so I can focus on sports and…what’s that honey? Tiger Woods is on The View? Oh, Tiger Woods has been ON The View. All of them? Even the guy? What do mean Joy Behar is not a guy?

Okay. That’s it. I am closing the door. Pulling the plug on my telephone. Shutting off the TV. Sticking just to sports. This week the Heisman trophy is going to go to one of five very qualified players. Players..... Playas. Damn Tiger is a playa. How did he have the time to play golf with all the messing around he was doing? Wonder how it’ll effect his game. And his wife. So…like, is she officially single now? Let me Google her picture. Dammit!!! Who unplugged my internet thingy!

Forget this. I can barely keep enough focus to brush my teeth. Thank god he’ll be returning to just playing golf soon and we can forget the while mess. He just said what!?!?

Here are my picks this week. Be warned, the whole time I was making these picks, I was thinking about Tiger’s mother-in-law having an affair with Michael Jackson’s doctor.

My pick in bold.

Broncos at Colts -7
Bengals +6.5 at Vikings
Jets -3.5 at Bucs
Bills at Chiefs PK
Packers -3 at Bears
Saints at Falcons +10
Lions at Ravens -13.5
Dolphins +2.5 at Jaguars
Panthers +13.5 at Patriots
Seahawks at Texans -6
Rams at Titans -13
Redskins at Raiders +1
Chargers +3 at Cowboys
Eagles +1 at Giants
Cardinals -3.5 at 49ers

Thursday 0-1
Last Week 10-5-1

Season 102-87-4

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Thursday Night: Steelers v. Browns

These are two teams going in different directions. Pittsburgh is driving off a cliff and Cleveland is already at the bottom of the cliff.

Pittsburgh is in bad shape because:
1) The only guy who can tackle on their team is too busy doing Head and Shoulders commercial to play.
2) The locker room is full of players bickering over who is healthy enough to play and who is one blow to the head away from drooling more than Hooch.
3) They are worried about what the Tiger Woods story could mean for their chances to hook up during away games.

Cleveland is in bad shape because:
1) They made the absolute worst coaching hire in the history of pro football.
2) They are too busy helping the NY Jets get to the playoff (see Sanchez and Edwards)
3) They are masters at finding new and mind-bending ways to lose games.

Although these are two Titanics heading for the same ice berg, I think the Steelers have a few more life boats so I am going with Pittsburgh minus the 10 points.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Week 13- The Good Old Days

Channel suffering last night found me landing on the NFL Network and a replay of the classic 1994 game between the Dolphins and the Pats. This game was notable since it was Marino return after being out most of the previous season with a blow Achilles tendon. Living in Miami at the time, I missed watching this game but heard some of it on the radio. So it was incredibly cool actually seeing what I missed. It doesn’t hurt that the Fins won this game in typical Marino shoot out fashion 39-35. This was also the game Bledsoe really came to the forefront as a big time arm.

As I watched a game that took place over 15 years ago, I realized some of the parts of the game that I really miss.

Sidelines were not over-crowded.
Back then, there was a normal amount of people on the sidelines of each team. I saw actual space between the players and the coaches.

In today’s game, the sidelines look like a Vegas nightclub dance floor at 2:00am. Sweaty bodies grinding and bumping into each other because of a lack of space. I swear it looked like the sidelines are crowded with everyone even remotely associated with the team. Injured players. Former Players. Celebrity Fans. Priests. Caddies. Wives. Mistresses. Lawyers. Mistress’ Lawyers.

Shula with no headset.
He was the last of the old breed of coaches who looked more like a field general and less like the kid taking my order at McDonalds.

A slimmer Parcells.
Okay, he was pretty fat, but you do not realize how fat he has gotten now until you see him 15 years ago. He looked downright slim compared to the Parcells on the Jets and Cowboys sidelines. In comparison, Shula looks the same, which says something about that Nutra-system diet he went on.

Muddy Fields.
The Marlins were still playing so the infield dirt was still there. It rained prior to the game so the dirt became a slop of mud. Because fields today are so much better cared for (Heinz field the exception), we do get enough of those roll around in the mud games that we as kids love to watch and play in. If a player’s uniform ain’t dirty, how do we know he is trying?

No replay crying.
In a 15 minute span, I saw three plays that were questionable and would have cried out for a replay review in today’s game. Back then, the teams and announcers just shrugged it off and went on with playing. There was so much less crying in football back then.

Marino yelling and cursing.
There was less crying, but a heck of a lot more cursing and yelling from star quarterbacks, especially from number 13 of Miami. Can you imagine today’s QB getting away with as many F-Bombs to his teammates as Marino did? Loved the fiery competitor. And as you can see, he hasn’t lost it.

Now, back to the present. Here are my picks for Week 13. (in bold) If this week is like last week, there will be plenty of crying and cursing and yelling going on this Sunday.

Broncos at Chiefs +4.5
Raiders and Steelers -14.5
Texans at Jaguars PK
Titans at Colts -7
Eagles -5
at Falcons
Lions +13 at Bengals
Saints -9.5 at Redskins
Bucs at Panthers -6
Rams at Bears -8
Chargers -13 at Browns
49ers at Seahawks PK
Vikings at Cardinals +3.5
Cowboys at Giants +2
Patriots -4 at Dolphins
Ravens at Packers -3

Thursday 1-0
Last Week 8-7-1
Season: 93-81-3

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Thursday Night: Jets v. Bills

Buffalo has one of the best home field advantages in the NFL. Their fans passionately support their team. The raucous crowd gives them a distinct 12th man advantage. The weather in December is their ally as teams crumble under the cold temperature and icy conditions. Add to all this that tonight’s game will be played at night in front of a national viewing audience (or least the tens of people who can get NFL Network) and the Bills will be an unstoppable force.

What’s that? They are playing the game in Toronto? We are talking about the Bills not the Sabres right? The Bills are willingly giving up one of their 8 home games to play in Canada? And again they chose it against a divisional foe? Instead of the coach, can the Bills fire the guy who agreed to do that? Oh, you can’t fire the owner.

Sorry Bills Fans. The Mascot says take the Jets minus the 3 points.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Week 12- Football Jeopardy

Let's Jeopardy!

I am not talking about returning to the field after a blow to the head. I am talking about the game show that will soon be dominating syndicated TV. I give you the answer (which is the game and who will cover), and I also give you the appropriate question for that answer.

Alex Trebek would be so proud. I am sure his lawyers will soon be telling me just how proud he he is.

My picks are in bold.

Colts -3.5 at Texans
What is the game I will lose by a half point?

Browns at Bengals -14
What is the game Chad Ochocinco will get fined $25,000 for grabbing the referee’s microphone and giving a 5 minute acceptance speech after a TD?

Bears +11 at Vikings
What is the game Brett Favre shows that young up and comer in Chicago how to really throw mind blowing interceptions?

Redskins at Eagles -9.5
What will be the first NFL game in which both teams lose all of their running backs?

Dolphins -3 at Bills
What is game Terrell Owns takes Ted Guinn under his wing to show him how to blame the QB for all his dropped passes?

Cardinals + 3 at Titans
What game do the Cardinals cover Kurt Warner in bubble wrap in order to avoid having to play Matt Leinart?

Seahawks -3 at Rams
What game causes Jim Mora to find a new person to blame for his team’s performance - the valet parker who scratched his Subaru?

Bucs at Falcons -11.5
What game will have talking long after the game…about the UF/Alabama match next weekend?

Panthers +3 at Jets
What is the game in which the winning team gives the game ball to the other team’s quarterback?

Jaguars at 49ers -3
What game will Maurice Jones-Drew blow kisses to the stands after scroing a TD and get 50,000 kisses blown back?

Chiefs at Chargers -13.5
What game with turn Todd Haley’s face into a never before seen shade of crimson?

Steelers at Ravens -2.5
What event will have special triage tents set up all over the field by the American Red Cross?

Patriots at Saints -2.5
What game will have more scoring than the French Quarter during Mardi Gras?

Thursday 2-1
Last Week 11-5

Season: 86-75-2

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Thanksgiving Thanks

In this season of giving thanks, I checked around the sports landscape to get a sampling of what some of our sports figures are most thankful to have in their lives. None of them returned my calls, but here is what I assumed they would have said.

Mark Mangino, Kansas University Football Coach

“Boli. I think it’s called Boli. Whatever my cousin gave me.”
Alex Rodriguez

“The compromising pictures I have of the Browns’ ownership.”
Eric Mangini, head coach for the Cleveland Browns

“Skin toned facial make-up.”
Jimmy Clausen, QB for Notre Dame

“SEC referees.”
Urban Meyers, head coach of Florida Gators

“The Notre Dame defense in the 2007 Sugar Bowl. Man, they made me a lot of money.”
JaMarcus Russell, former starting QB for Oakland Raiders

“Peyton Manning’s health. Hell, I’m getting paid to do nothing.”
Jim Sorgi, back- up QB for Colts.

“Masking agents for marijuana.”
Ricky Williams, Miami Dolphins Running Back

“The bug residing up my butt.”
Skip Bayless, ESPN commentator

Here are my picks for Thursday Football Spectacular aka Thanksgiving. My picks in bold.

Packers -10.5 at Lions

Raiders +14 at Cowboys

Giants at Broncos +6

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Week 11- He is Always Right!

Bill Belichick was right. Everyone is giving him a hard time about his decision to go for it on 4th and 2 on his own 28 yard line. But I say Belichick was absolutely right to go for it. So what if they ended up blowing a 17-point 4th quarter lead. I know it was the right decision because Bill Belichick is a “genius.” Ever since he led that first Pats team to a Super Bowl victory, everyone on TV has been telling me he was a genius, so he must be a genius because people on TV know what they are talking about. Heck, they are geniuses too.

Only a genius could have taken that Pats team to the Super Bowl, using to their advantage one of the top five worse officiating calls in playoff history (what the tuck is a tuck rule?) Only a genius could get away with video tapping the other team’s signals and using those signals against that team. Not only did he get away with it without a suspension, but he got the NFL to BURN THE EVIDENCE! Seriously, if that is not genius, then Greta Van Susteren is not hot.

I believe in Bill Belichick’s genius so much, I recently reached out to him to ask him his advice on several other pressing personal matters. While Bill did not speak to me directly (geniuses lack in social skills that is why they are geniuses), I received all these answers via a sheet of paper wrapped around a large rock.

I am thinking about quitting my job without having another one lined up. What do you think?
The stats say there are few job in the market. Screw the stats. Quit your job. I know that if you quit, you can’t get unemployment, but what’s the worst that can happen? You can’t find a job, lose your home, live on the street and become a crack addict. Is that so bad?

My 10th wedding anniversary is coming up. What gift should I get my wife that she will really love?
As you can tell, I am a very much in tune with my sensitive, emotional side. I know what the ladies love. Buy her a lovely iron and ironing board set. Or perhaps pot holders and matching cookware. A wild card gift I have found to be effective is bring home another woman for a “special night.”

Stocks, bonds, gold or real estate. What should I invest in?
None of the above. Invest in newspapers. They are the wave of the future. People will never stop relying on those ink stained sheets of paper as their main source of information for news, weather and sports.

A co-worker of mine always gets the jump on me at work. He presents better, more profitable ideas to the CEO. What should I do?
I am NOT saying I ever tried this, but have you considered secretly videotaping him. You can see what he is working on and prepare to either copy it or do it better. You can then present to your boss before he get a chance. It will guarantee you a Super Bowl win, I mean a promotion.

My doctor says I should lose 20 pounds and advises I exercise and follow a sensible diet. Should I listen to him?
If you want to be labeled a “conventional person,” then sure listen to the quack. But as someone who has built a reputation out of being unconventional (and admired for it), I suggest taking the binging and purging approach along with wrapping yourself in plastic and sitting in a sauna. Guaranteed to lose the 20 pounds in no time…along with your teeth.

Who is going to win the Dolphins/Panthers game on Thursday?
The Panthers are by far the better team. The Dolphins are decimated with injuries. There is no way they will win. I suggest betting what’s left of your 401k on it.

Thanks Coach Belichick for this sage advice. I am sure listening to you will turn out as great as that call on Sunday night. Since he can do no wrong, this week’s picks are also brought to you by the coach. The picks are in bold.

Browns at Lions -3.5
Bills at Jaguars -8.5
Steelers at Chiefs +10
Colts -1.5 at Ravens
Falcons at Giants -6.5
49ers +6.5 at Packers
Seahawks at Vikings -11
Redskins +11 at Cowboys
Saints -11.5 at Bucs
Cardinals -8.5 at Rams
Jets at Patriots -10
Bengals at Raiders +9.5
Chargers -3 at Broncos
Eagles -3 at Bears
Titans +5 at Texans

Thursday 0-1
Last Week: 7-7-1
Season: 73-70-2

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Thursday Night- Fins v. Panthers

Starting QB hurt and out for season- check.
Starting RB and best player on offense hurt and out for season- check.
Team’s best pass rusher disappearing this year- check.
Team’s first round pick and hopeful #1 receiver having hands of stone- check.

Yep, this is your 2009 Miami Dolphins.

They are just good enough to beat bad team - see Bills, Bucs, and Jets (yes, Jets fan, your team stinks, but don't tell Rex or he'll start blubbering again.)

And they are just bad enough to loss close games to good teams- Colts, Saints, Pats.

So what about mediocre teams like Carolina?

The Fins will hang around and make it close. They might even have a early 3rd quarter lead. But eventually their inability to tackle or cover good receivers will come back to haunt them. If you have Steve Smith on your fantasy team, you will win this week.

My aqua and orange blood boils as I write this, but take the Panthers and lay the 3 points.

Will this mean I lose my .0001% ownership of the team?

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Week 10- Fan Schizophrenia

This week’s picks are coming to you from the city of Denver, CO- dubbed Mile High both because of the altitude and the fact they legalized medical marijuana.

Denver is a great location to study the phenomenon of “fan schizophrenia.” It’s a malady that affects the fan base of every sport, city and political party. The disease leaves its victim in a constant state of agitation. Their emotions constantly fluctuate between euphoria and crushing depression. One week, they seriously believe their team will go all the way. They proudly fly their team flag on their dented up Corolla and search Priceline for tickets to the Super Bowl city.

Following a loss, they are inconsolable. They drive their dented up Corolla aimlessly around town hoping to get hit by a train. Their only friend is the sports talk radio host who rails about how terrible the team is and how everyone should get fired. The fan would also get fired too, but he lost his job months ago when, after his team lost in overtime, he showed up to work in his underwear and tried to crash a forklift into a pile of canned pears.

Denver has recently experienced an acute care of fan schizophrenia.

The season started with Broncos fans sniffing glue. Their team last year blew a four game division lead. They got a new, young coach who looked like he had no idea what he was doing. And they traded their all-pro QB for Kyle “Friggin” Orton.

Then as quickly as is takes a tipped ball to fall into the hands of Brandon Stokley, Broncos fans were slap happy ecstatic. They saw their team ride out to a 6-0 start. Josh McDaniels was the greatest coach ever. Kyle “Awesome” Orton was just the QB they needed. The defense was back to the Orange Crush days.

Now after consecutive losses to teams who made the playoffs last year, the town in back on the prozac. They should bench Orton and go with Chris Simms. Josh McDaniels has no clue on how to run the offense. The team is going to choke like they always do. All that was just from the 76-year old lady in line with me at the King Soopers. I fear Broncos fans are on another roller coaster ride that will leave their emotional state as scrambled as Evander Holyfield’s brain. The only consolation for Broncos fans is that 31 other football fan bases will share in this torment.

Sadly, no cure for this illness has been approved by the FDA, but there is some promising research being conducting in Detroit with Lions fans. We would love to learn more about this research but it seems the city is so broke they just lost their internet connection.

Suffering from a case of fan schizophrenia myself, I made this week’s picks in a locked closet, littered with Twinkie wrappers, with my shivering body wrapped in a Miami Dolphins Snuggie. My picks are in bold.

Jaguars at Jets -6.5
Broncos -3.5
at Redskins
Bengals +7 at Steelers
Bills +7 at Titans
Lions at Vikings -17
Saints -14 at Rams
Falcons at Panthers +2
Bucs +10 at Dolphins
Chiefs +2 at Raiders
Seahawks +9 at Cardinals
Eagles at Chargers -1.5
Cowboys -3 at Packers
Patriots at Colts -2.5
Ravens -10.5 at Browns

Thursday: 1-0
Last Week: 6-7
Season: 67-62-1

Thursday, November 12, 2009

But it started off so good...

Chicago and San Francisco.

It started off so good for these two teams. The Bears got their first superstar QB in decades. The 49ers started 3-1 and their coach kept his pants on.

You know what else started well-

The Matrix, then came those "what the hell" sequels.

Matthew McConaughey, then came every other film he did.

My high school relationships, then came acne.

These two teams are a wreck and I wish I could pick against both.

But I won't. With a pinched nose, I take the 49ers minus the 3.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Week 9- Softies

When did we become so soft?

For several years now, there has been an increasing amount of studies and evidence to suggest that football players are susceptible to grave neurological disorders. This might, just might, have something to with the thousands of head crashing collisions they endure through a lifetime of football. The results can leave players in their later years with dementia, severe emotional distress, and a yearning to run for political office. Some esteemed writers (aka wimps) have even equated football to dog fighting.

This is completely a stretch. Dog fighting is nothing like football. If it was, Michael Vick would be a much better quarterback.

With the medical evidence increasing, some NFL veterans and medical doctors are crying out that players who suffer concussions should not be rushed back to playing. They claim that rattling the brain severe enough that it causes loss of consciousness is a “bad” thing. Look, I have suffered numerous concussions and I have had no ill effects. Look, I have suffered numerous concussions and I have had no ill effects. Look, I have suffered numerous concussions and I have had to ill effects.

But, I am happy to report that the NFL, and even college football, is not going to allow some minor concerns like players’ health stop them from fielding the best team possible to cover the spread. Time and again coaches and organizations ignore those pesky concussions and have their players walk it off. Of course, as they walk it off, they need another player with them so they don’t fall down.

This week Bryant Westbrook, just two weeks removed from a concussion that he admitted scared the hell out of him, is expected to play. Good. I have him on my fantasy team and I need all the help I can get. Granted, this might lead him to a life of staring blankly out windows, but damn it man, I need to qualify for the playoffs!

A few weeks ago, the great Tim Tebow suffered a concussion that knocked him out cold. Because Urban Meyer and the Florida staff really care about their players, they hemmed and hawed and made all kinds of public declarations that their concerns is the kid’s health. Also of concern, Florida was playing at LSU. Playing at LSU won out on the “concern-o-meter” and Tebow, who was just given medical permission to read a few days earlier, played in the game.

Tip of the cap to the Eagles and Gators, but none of them can top the Pittsburgh Steelers. The Super Bowl champs are showing the rest of the sissified world what it means to be a football team.

This case has nothing to do with head trauma, just literally life and death. Starting safety Ryan Clark has a very rare sickle-cell trait that leads to a life threatening situation if he exerts himself at high altitude. An example of this would be say, playing football at a mile above sea-level in a city such as…Denver. We know this because three years ago, Ryan Clark played a game in Denver and nearly died and needed emergency surgery to remove his spleen.

So, the Steelers are plating AT Denver this Monday Night. Ryan Clark’s status is still uncertain for the game. Yep, the fact he could die playing has only lead him to be listed as questionable. If Ryan Clark had any guts left after his operation to save his life, he would play. I commend the Steelers organization for taking the brave step of ignoring the medical condition of a single player in favor of consideration of the team as a whole.

I thank you on behalf of all people who are wagering cold hard cash on the Steelers covering the spread this Monday. See, football is nothing like dog fighting.

These are my dogs, err I mean, my picks for this week. (in bold)

Chiefs at Jaguars -6.5
Ravens at Bengals +2.5
Texans +9 at Colts
Redskins at Falcons -10
Packers -9.5 at Bucs
Cardinals at Bears -3
Dolphins +11 at Patriots
Panthers +13.5 at Saints
Lions at Seahawks -10
Titans at 49ers -4
Chargers at Giants -4.5
Cowboys at Eagles -3
Steelers at Broncos +3

Last Week 6-7
Season 60-55-1

Friday, November 6, 2009

Why I Don't Have a Ponytail

You think NFL and NHL players are rough. They got nothing on NCAA Women's soccer players. Actually specifically one player, Elizabeth Lambert of University of New Mexico.

Check out this video and tell me she could not fit in the Ravens' linebacking core or be an enforcer for the Calgary Flames.

This just in--- The Oakland Raiders just signed her and Tom Cable crapped his pants.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Week 8- Scary Thoughts

In honor of all hallows’ eve, here are the scariest things about each of this weekend's games along with my picks (in bold):

Denver +3.5 at Baltimore
At first it was the thought of the Broncos without Jay Culter, now it is the thought of the Broncos with Jay Cutler. Any doubt that Denver would be 1-5 with Jay throwing 11 picks already?

Browns at Bears -13.5
The crazy new reason Mangini will come up with to fine his players. I predict a $2000 fine for not tipping the water boy during timeouts.

Texans -3.5 at Bills
The idea that one or both of these teams is still a threat to make the playoffs. What will Buffalo do if they can’t fire Dick Jauron?

Vikings at Packers -3
Brett Favre will have a harder time getting out of Green Bay than Snake Plissken had getting out of New York City.

49ers at Colts -11.5
The thought of how many points the Colts would score if someone told Peyton Manning he could get another commercial if they hit 100.

Miami +3.5 at Jets
The thought for Jets fans and players that they might get beat again by a high school game plan.

Rams +4 at Lions
In this economy, the fact that some people actually paid money to watch this game.

Seahawks +9.5 at Cowboys
Being in the owner’s box with Jerry Jones either when Romo throws another pick 6 or when he gets his chemical peal facial.

Raiders at Chargers -16.5
The fright on the face of a Raiders receiver going across the middle to attempt to catch a Jamarcus Russell pass. Seriously, he might get someone decapitated.

Jaguars +3 at Titans
The serious possibility that if the Titans lose badly, Vince Young could go Carrie on the whole stadium.

Panthers +9 at Cardinals
For every Panther fan, the sight of Jake Delhomme dropping back to pass

Giants +2 at Eagles
Watching a guy in a Yankee hat trying to get out of the Philly Stadium with all his limbs.

Falcons +9.5 at Saints
For the Falcons, be very afraid of jumping to a 21 point 2nd quarter lead. It’s like the homecoming queen losing her virginity in a slasher pick. You know it’s going to end badly for her.

Hopefully it will not end badly for me. Coming off another, albeit slim, winning week.

Last Week 7-5-1
Season 54-48-1

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Week 7- They Said What?

Often on this website and other sports related ones, we poke fun at the errors and mishaps of athletes. Heck, it follows our motto here, “It’s fun to make fun of someone before they make fun of us.” But why limit ourselves to just the players on the field. As was suggested by my friend, deejay. mr. m, the mishaps extend beyond the field and into the booth.

So to honor (and exploit) the foibles of the guys (and gals) calling sports, here is the top 5 clips of announcer screw ups caught on tape. Or I should say the top 5 I could get quality video of on You Tube.

Berman Blow Up
Before Christian Bale, there was this Chris Berman blow up over essentially the same thing, people walking in front of him while he is working. To be honest, I do the same thing at work when some interrupts my line of sight while I am playing minesweeper.

Marino Freak Out
Think he could just leave that fiery nature on the sideline when he retired. Nope. Marino does to a desk what he did to receivers that ran errant routes. I love Nick Buoniconti’s reaction. He was a linebacker and he’s still freaked.

Sports Announcer mishaps are an equal opportunity event.
Here are a couple of funny moments from two of ESPN female sideline reporters. It is the ultimate recognition of professional acceptance when you can be made fun for screwing up. A nickel for anyone who can guess what Rachel Nichols was doing right before this clip.

College Football Announcers say what we all feel.
I love football, but honestly there are some moments that make me question whether I love it a little too much. This announcer's comments probably hit a little too close to home to many a male football fan causing us to give that uncomfortable laugh – yeah that was funny… and true.

Finally, this is the all time standard bearer of on screen sports announcer meltdowns. The “Boom Goes the Dynamite” kid. It both hilarious and painful, because honestly, isn’t there a little bit of fear we could do the same thing. The good news is he eventually graduated and became a TV reporter.

Here are my picks for the week. Last week I was an even 7-7. I guarantee I will not go .500 this week. I can guarantee this because there are only 13 games. And I had some check my math.

My picks are in bold.

Chargers -5.5 at Chiefs
Colts -13 at Rams
Bears +1.5 at Bengals
Packers -7 at Browns
Vikings +4 at Steelers
Patriots +14.5 at Bucs (in London)
49ers +3 at Texans
Jets -6.5 at Raiders
Bills at Panthers -7.5
Saints -6.5 at Dolphins
Falcons +3.5 at Cowboys
Cardinals at Giants -7
Eagles -7 at Redskins

Last week: 7-7
Season 47-43

Friday, October 16, 2009

Week 6- Stepped on a pop-top

With Jimmy Buffet owning the naming rights for Dolphin Stadium, the marketing department has taken the extra, completely over the top, step of playing his song “Fins” every time the home team scores. This got me thinking, “Why should the Dolphins monopolize the musical genius that is Jimmy Buffet.”

So in order to spread the gift of his artistry around, here are some suggestions of Buffet songs that other NFL teams can usurp and the perfect times they should blast them.

Whenever Mike Singletary enters the locker at halftime when the 49ers are losing

A Pirate Looks at 40
When Brett Favre announces his retirement, again

Cheeseburger in Paradise
When JaMarcus Russell enters the field

The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful
When the Tampa Bay Buccaneers kick off

Why don’t we get drunk and screw
When Ben Roethlisberger scores…(in anyway)

Changes in Latitude, Changes in Attitudes
For Terrell Owens whenever another ball goes through his hands

Come Monday
Played at Vegas sports books for bettors looking to recoup all their Sunday loses on the Monday Night game.

For all the Lions, Chiefs, Rams, Raiders, Bucs, Bills and Browns fans. It’s the place they need to go to endure their team.

With his soothing tunes playing in the background and under the influence of an undisclosed number of “Boat Drinks,” I have made my picks for Week 6.

My picks are in bold.

Chiefs +6.5 at Redskins
Texans +5 at Bengals
Browns at Steelers -14
Ravens at Vikings -3
Rams at Jaguars -10
Giants +3
at Saints
Panthers -3.5 at Bucs
Lions at Packers -13.5
Eagles -14 at Raiders
Cardinals at Seahawks -2.5
Bills at Jets -10
Titans at Patriots -9.5
Bears at Falcons -3
Broncos +4 at Chargers

Last Week: 10-4
Season: 40-36

Friday, October 9, 2009

Week 5 - Questions Answered

From time to time, readers of this site might have questions of me they would like answered. I have no idea what those questions are since no one actually ever writes in with questions. However, if they did, I suppose these a sample of what they would ask.

I have taken the pre-emptive approach of answering these queries before you even get a chance to ask them. Thinking ahead. That's what we do here. Kind of like planning ahead what plays you will call when you get the ball inside the 10 with less than a minute to play. Huh Dallas?

What did you think of what Favre did on Monday?
I am no Vikings fan, but I am a fan of human misery. Heck who isn’t? Secretly most people are fans of watching others suffer. And if they are not a “fan” of misery, they at least have it as a friend on Facebook. So I found it enjoyable to watch Brett Favre rip out the collective heart of an entire fan base, show it to them as it still beats, and then use it as a door stop for the barn door on his farm in Mississippi.

Having said that, if Dan Marino had ever played for the Jets, I would have shanked him.

What formula do you use to pick games? I’d like to know so I can use the complete opposite?
Ha. Another satisfied customer. Honestly, I study each team’s strengths and weakness, what the weather conditions will be game day, and the recent history these teams have against each other. Then I do what every other Vegas gambler does, I throw all that away and go with whatever the callers on sport talk radio say I should. Louie from the Bronx sounds like he really knows his stuff…when I can hear him over his mother screaming in the background.

If you could play any position on a football team, what would it be?
That’s simple. Third-string emergency QB. I get a great view of the game standing on the sideline calling in the plays. The odds of me actually having to play, and therefore get hurt, are minimal at best. And I get to attend all the team functions which usually have great food and an open bar. Free food and drink. The dream of any football player.

What team has impressed you the most?
Jacksonville Jaguars. Hands down. Their fan support is putrid and yet they are 2-2. This is a decent team with a decent history and yet even the Lions (who reside in the most economically decimated area of the US) out draws them. It also begs the questions - If a team wins a game, and no one is there to watch them, do they still gather for the post game prayer?

What do you enjoy the most in watching a football game?
The fans. Specifically fans that have money on the game. There is no joy like the sight of a grown man hitting a five team parlay when an extra point gets blocked. If asked at that moment, he would say it was a greater event than the birth of his child. And who can blame him. Anyone with a measurable sperm count can get someone pregnant, but taking the rent payment out of your girlfriend’s diary and placing it all on 5 teams to win, now that’s balls.

Who do you think is going to win this week? And by win, I mean cover the spread?
Funny you should ask. Here are my picks for the week. I feel flush with success having come off a 9-5 week.

If you hate money, don’t bet on these picks!

My picks are in bold.

Vikings -10 at Rams
Cowboys at Chiefs +8.5
Redskins at Panthers -3.5
Bucs at Eagles -14
Raiders at Giants -15
Browns at Bills -6
Bengals +8.5 at Ravens
Steelers -10.5 at Lions
Falcons at 49ers -2.5
Patriots at Broncos +3.5
Texans at Cardinals -5.5
Jaguars at Seahawks (PK)
Colts -3.5 at Titans
Jets at Dolphins +2

Last week 9-5
Season: 30-32

Friday, October 2, 2009

Lifetime Television Meets Football

For the month of October, the NFL is taking the very admirable step of recognizing Breast Cancer Awareness month. Goals posts, players’ shoes, towels, etc will be colored pink to recognize the ongoing fight against this terrible disease.

This special attention may end up drawing more of a certain small subsection of our society that is currently under represented in the football viewing pool. This group is called WOMEN.

For women new to watching the gridiron glory, we at Blame the Mascot have come up with some helpful guides to explain some of the finer aspects of the game.

Illegal contact. You know when a woman is on the dance floor and it’s okay for a guy to put his hands on her hips and grind a little close, but when they leave for the obligatory drink he owes her, he has to keep his hands off. Well, the first five yards are the dancing, and after five yards is the drink.

Pass Interference. This is when the above woman has finished the drink he owed her for dancing with him and he is still groping her.

First Down. It’s like when a woman goes on a diet and loses 10 lbs. She feels such a sense of accomplishment that she binge eats and then starts the diet all over. After going ten yards, the team purges and starts another ten-yard diet.

Head Butts. You know when a woman tells another woman something great and they scream in a high-pitched voice that actually gets a response from canines within a 5 mile radius. Guys can’t reach that note so we bash each other’s head to equate that ringing in our ears.

Play Action Pass. You think the play is one thing but it turns out to be another. It’s like when a woman begins an argument with her husband about him always leaving dirty dishes in the sink and all of a sudden she turns into a fight about how he hates her mother.

The Red Challenge Flag. It’s like when a girlfriend wears an outfit that she thought looked good when she put it on in the morning, but now that you see her in the light of day, you realize that those lavender shoes do not go with the plum dress. The red flag is like taking her to a mirror so she can have another look.

Roughing the kicker. Similar to when women forbid their boyfriends from going within 50 yards of the sorority little sister they once hooked up with after an especially raucous game of beer bong. The kicker is that sorority sister.

Zone Defense vs. Man to Man Defense. When men go shopping, they know exactly what they want to buy and go directly for it. That’s like man to man defense. When women shop, they cover an entire floor of Macy’s, picking up anything and everything that catches their eye. That’s zone defense.

Illegal Block in the Back. Remember last night when your boyfriend wanted to try something “different” and you wanted no part of it.

Brett Favre. When a woman gets a divorce and tells her ex that he can date anyone he wants just not her sister. Then he dates her sister. Brett is that ex.

With these viewing tips, I am sure more women will tune into football this weekend with a greater understanding of the game. And within 15 minutes, change the channel to a Sex and the City marathon on TBS.

Here are the picks for this week. With my wife’s help, I moved up to 8-8 last week. This week I am diving into the deep end without a lifeguard. Swim with me at your own peril.

My picks are in bold.

Raiders at Texans -9.5
Titans -3 at Jaguars
Ravens at Patriots -2
Bengals at Browns +5.5
Giants -8.5 at Chiefs
Lions +10 at Bears
Bucs at Redskins -7
Seahawks at Colts -9.5
Jets at Saints -6.5
Bills at Dolphins +2
Rams at 49ers -9.5
Cowboys -3 at Broncos
Chargers +6.5 at Steelers
Packers at Vikings -3.5

Last week picks 8-8
Season: 21-27

Excerpts from this article orginally appeared in The Bachelor Guy

Friday, September 25, 2009

Week 3- No where to go but rock bottom

Last Sunday, I suffered a crisis of confidence that shook me to my very foundation. It made me question all things I once held true. The roundness of the Earth. The naturalness of Jimmy Johnson’s hair. The true commitment Jon and Kate have for their children.

It all unraveled for me as I watched my picks, one after the other, go down in flames. Out of the 14 games on Sunday, I got 12 wrong. It was so bad that wining my Sunday and Monday night picks doubled my weekly win total.

It caused me to endure the five stages of loss:

Denial- There is no friggin way the Bengals that I watched on Hard Knocks could beat the Packers. I refused to believe it to the point I attempted to cash my Packers bet at the sports book. It took the casino director 15 minutes to explain that indeed the Cincinnati Bengals scored more points, on the road, against my pick to win the NFC.

Anger- I wailed that this was the stupidest sport ever. With its stupid little odd shaped ball. And with those stupid pads they wear. And the stupid guys wearing black and white shirts with yellow hankies. And the stupid way the Patriots couldn’t score a touchdown against the stupid Jets. This game is just stupid.

Bargaining- I’m sorry football, I really didn’t mean that. You know I love you baby. Com’on. Stop your pouting. I promise to watch you on Sundays and buy into everything you say about how all the players are clean of steroids. Please baby, please just let me win one 3 team parlay.

Depression- I guess this is my fate. I suck at picking football games. How can I look myself in the mirror with my faded Dan Marino jersey on? Sure, technically he was not a winner either, but he looked a hell of a lot better in knee braces than I do. My life could not be any worse unless I was Detroit Lion season ticket holder. Maybe I should just resign myself to betting WNBA pre-season games.

Acceptance- As I stared into the abyss that is my prognosticating life, I heard a voice cry out to me. I did not recognize it at first but soon I realized it was the soothing, loving voice of my dear wife.
“You got only 4 right! Geez, I know nothing about football and I could’ve done better than that. Seriously. Wow you suck.”
With the reality of my situation staring me straight in the face in the form of the most supportive person in my life, I gave in.

“Screw it! If you’re so damn smart, you make the #$@%ing picks,” I ever so calmly retorted.

And thus, this week’s picks are courtesy of a woman who knows absolutely nothing about football. When I asked her what was her reasoning for each of the 16 picks, she simply responded “None.”

I fear with that logic, she is going to do awesome.

Her (and thus my) picks are in bold:

Titans +2.5 at Jets
Jaguars +4 at Texans
Chiefs at Eagles -9.5
Browns +13.5
at Ravens
Giants -7 at Bucs
Redskins at Lions +6.5
Packers at Rams +6.5
49ers at Vikings -7
Falcons +4 at Patriots
Bears at Seahawks +1.5
Saints -5.5
at Bills
Dolphins +6.5 at Chargers
Steelers at Bengals +4.5
Broncos +2
at Raiders
Colts at Cardinals -3
Panthers at Cowboys -9

Last week picks 4-12
Season: 13-19

Friday, September 18, 2009

Week 2- Inside Info

It worked out so well last week with Al Davis, I decided to continue seeking outside help with my picks for the week. Instead of limiting myself to the genius of one person, I sought 16 different people I believe have inside information on each of this week’s games. I am confident this will improve my 9-7 mark from last weekend.

The picks are in bold.

Texans at Titans -6.5
Texans QB Matt Schaub: “I am not "injury prone." That's just bull. Oh god, I just blinked and dislocated by eye ball.”

Patriots -3.5 at Jets
Jet head coach Rex Ryan “We are not intimidated by the Patriots. We are not concerned about how good they are or how they have beaten us 8 times in a row at home. We don’t give a second look to their physically fit bodies. Nor the way the sweat glistens off their muscles. Nor the boyish good looks of their QB. No sir. We will not be intimidated. Have they asked about us?”

Raiders at Chiefs -3
Raiders’ former assistant Randy Hanson:
“Mmmmm. Urgggg, mmmmm (takes sip of pureed lunch through straw) mmmm, grrrr. mm, mmmmmm.”

Bengals at Packers -9
Bengals coach Marvin Lewis: “The way our luck is running it is as if the entire team is dating Jessica Simpson. What? She’s not dating Romo anymore? I’ve got to call a team meeting.”

Vikings -9.5 at Lions
Vikings RB Adrian Peterson: “I love Brett Favre, but if he starts throwing INTs again, I’ll slap him like he was a DB.”

Saints at Eagles PK
Eagles QB Donovan McNabb: “No. I don’t feel threatened by them bringing in Garcia. No, Vick being activated early didn’t bother. I’m not one to feel threatened by any one. I am very confident. Why are you looking at me like that? Is it my hair? You don’t like this shirt? I’ll change it if you like.”

Panthers +6.5 at Falcons
Panthers QB Jake Delhomme: “In the same way the Mario Mendoza created The Mendoza Line, I have created a new term – The Delhomme Bottom to replace rock bottom.”

Rams at Redskins -10
Redskins’ owner Daniel Snyder: “Since really the Rams are just spectators for this game, can I get away with charging them admission?”

Cardinals at Jaguars -3
Cardinals Safety Adrian Wilson: “I can’t believe they were booing us last week. For 60 years, this team won nothing. I know. I feel like I’ve been here for all of those years. We finally get to a Super Bowl and nearly won it and they got the balls to boo us. Screw them. I got no problem going back to sucking. We’ve had plenty of practice.”

Seahawks +1.5 at 49ers
49ers Head coach Mike Singletary: “Since I dropped my pants last year, we have a winning record. I hate to brag, but I have the most inspirational ass since Betty Grable.”

Bucs +4.5 at Bills
Bills kick returner Leodis McKelvin: “If I had a chance, I’d do it the same way again. Seriously, I would take the ball out of the end zone and proceed to fumble it away. Look, I’ve gotten more notoriety in the last 5 days than in my entire life. My PR advisor, TO, told me any press is good press. He can't be wrong.”

Browns at Broncos -3
Broncos WR Brandon Stokley: “Even if I catch a ball in the first quarter, I am going to try to run out the clock. Seriously, for the fans’ sake, I want to cut as much time as possible out of this game.”

Ravens at Chargers -3
Charger Running Back Ladianian Tomlinson: “Why yes, it is my goal to destroy as many fantasy football teams as possible. I’m in a battle with Carson Palmer.”

Steelers -3 at Bears
Bears QB Jay Cutler: “Yeah, well the economy sucks, but I’m not worried. There’s another 16 decades left in this country and we’ll bounce back. Industry just needs to get on the same page. I’m not concerned about getting into any more sub-prime mortgages or anything.”

Giants +2.5 at Cowboys
Cowboys’ owner Jerry Jones: “That is categorically untrue. The size of my new stadium is not over compensating for any physical shortcomings.”

Colts -3 at Dolphins
Colts QB Peyton Manning: “That’s a good question. Let me think about that… Crack. I’d have to say crack is the only thing I can think that I would not do a commercial for. Wait, if they got my brother and father to be in the spot, maybe.”

Last week 9-7
Season: 9-7

Friday, September 11, 2009

Week One- What's Old is Old Again

Special treat this week. I had the great fortune of contacting Oakland Raiders’ owner and puppet master Al Davis. In a very candid interview, he has provided me with his predictions for this week’s game. I will of course adopt all his suggestions as my own because if Al Davis knows one thing, it’s how to pick real “winners” in football.

Editor’s Note: We did not actually interview the person of Al Davis but rather his spirit. We channeled him in a séance involving wearing a silver and black sweat suit, large rim glasses with a chain hanging on them and greasing our hair back with motor oil.

Al’s picks are in bold.

Dolphins +4 at Falcons
“I really like what Shula has done with that team. Great running game. Warfield gives them a vertical attack. I love vertical attacks. I also love verticals. Would you like to see what I’ve done with my sliding glass door?”

Chiefs + 12.5 at Ravens
“I don’t like birds. Never have. I drafted a pigeon in the late 70s to replace Dave Casper. Rozelle, that bastard, annulled the pick. He probably saved me because I think pigeons are soft going across the middle.”

Eagles -1 at Panthers
“I love birds. Always have. I drafted a crow in the late 70s to replace Dave Casper. Rozelle, that bastard, annulled the pick. He probably would have led us to 3 more Super Bowls with the way he could flap and caw. ”

Broncos +4 at Bengals
“In 1982, I ordered Flores to replace the entire secondary with Sherpas when we played at Denver. They handled the altitude like champs. Unfortunately, the fact they had never played a down of football hurt their coverage skills.”

Vikings -4 at Browns
“I always wanted Tarkenton to play for us. With his scrambling, I would have used only 3 offensive linemen and sent 7 receivers out. It’s all about the vertical game. Verticals, baby! Have you seen my sliding glass door?”

Jets at Texans -4.5
“I’ve never head of the Texans. Are they in the WFL?”

Jaguars at Colts -7
“Baltimore is a great city. Love those crab cakes. And that town sure loves them Colts. I can’t imagine that city without them.”

Lions at Saints -13
“Pssst. I’ll let you in on a little secret. Pope John Paul II called me two days before he died to say I was up for sainthood. Yeah. Saint Al. All I had to do was one more miracle. I’m thinking about walking across San Francisco Bay, and then relocating the team to Alcatraz. If only I can get them to build me a stadium.”

Cowboys – 5.5 at Buccaneers
“Damn Jon Gruden. I swear to god, if I ever get my hands on him, I’ll rip out his heart. You hear me Jon! What’s that? They fired him? He’s available to hire? I’ve got a phone call to make.”

49ers +6.5 at Cardinals
“I don’t like birds. Never have. I interviewed a parakeet in the late 70s to replace John Madden. Almost hired him, but something about those beady little eyes told me not to trust him. Plus he pooped in my office. Just like Lane Kiffen did.”

Redskins +6.5 at Giants
“I find Washington’s mascot to be very offensive. I am a fair skinned gentleman and when I spend an afternoon watching my Raiders, the few parts of my skin not covered by the sweat suit turn a light shade of red. So as a Redskin, I demand they change the name or they must forfeit to us a draft pick. I will then trade that pick to the Giants to get the rights to Lawrence Taylor.”

Rams at Seahawks -8
“In my book, Merlin Olsen is the greatest American born actor of the 20th century. With Bubba Smith a very close second.”

Bears at Packers -3.5
“I remember being at the very first Bears/Packers game. I don’t remember what I had for breakfast, but I do remember that game.”

Bills at Patriots -10.5
“Ever since Bob Craft came up with those compromising photos of me with Adrienne Barbeau and Herve Villechaize, I’ve had to do some terrible things. Seriously, is there any other explanation for me to trade Randy Moss for a 4th round pick and trade a 1st round pick for Richard Seymour.”

Chargers -9.5 at Raiders
The Raiders are a team of excellence. With me as their leader, we are dedicated to winning and championships. Everything I do is toward that end. Oh, I see the sun is coming up. I’ve got to get to bed. I hate being awake during the day because I keep getting these calls from Tom Cable about what to do. Doesn’t he get the notes I send by carrier pigeon. By the way, did I ever tell you how much I love birds?

So far this season 0-1

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Five things about tonight’s Titans/Steelers Game

1. Lendale White claims he stopped drinking tequila this off season in order to get in shape. I liked my sports heroes better when getting drunk was part of their “in-season conditioning” (see Mantle, Ruth, Wells, Strawberry). Although being drunk would explain a lot about some of his past actions, especially running right into the ground on the infamous 4 and 1 against Texas in the Rose Bowl.

2. James Harrison did not go to the White House with the rest of the team this year because, and I quote, “This is how I feel -- if you want to see the Pittsburgh Steelers, invite us when we don't win the Super Bowl. As far as I'm concerned, he [Obama] would've invited Arizona if they had won." Think about a man whose brain could come up with the logic. Now think of that man in the general population without football as an outlet. Thank god for the NFL.

3. In the upcoming season of House, Mike Tomlin will guest star as Dr. Foreman’s (Omar Epps) twin brother. He visits the hospital to rub in the fact that flunking out of med school and becoming a pro football coach was the best thing that ever happened to him. Things take a turn for the worse though, when Tomlin contracts a rare yet deadly disease caused by blending Gatorade with the material found in a parka. He lives after House recalls treating Mike Holmgren for the same thing several years earlier.

4. Vince Young claims he will be the next black quarterback to win the Super Bowl. He also claims he will be the next black quarterback to land on the moon, the next black quarterback to become President of the United States, and the next black quarterback to win the Pulitzer Prize. Unfortunately for him, he will not be the next black quarterback for the Tennessee Titans.

5. Since the NFL scheduled the Super Bowl champs to host the opening Thursday night game, the defending champs have yet to lose (5-0). Who am I to buck a trend? The Steelers will win and cover the 6 point spread.

Monday, September 7, 2009

All Bets are Off!

The NFL is back and this season is shaping up to be one of the craziest ever. I mean bat-shit, who took the medication away from the emo chick and got her drunk, kind of crazy.

The season has not even started yet and we have seen:

Franchised QBs talk themselves out of town,
Offensive coordinators get fired for losing practice games
Head coaches breaking assistant’s faces
Receivers becoming kickers
Dog fighters becoming Quarterbacks
Linebackers becoming assaulters
Retirees becoming starters
The guy who made the greatest catch in Super Bowl history becoming unemployed

All this and we haven’t had our first blown instant replay call of the regular season.

I am literally scared about what the season could bring. I might have to watch every Sunday with the lights on and a blanket wrapped around me. I plan on watch the Saw film anthology just to get me to relax after a weekend of games.

Clouded by this uncertainty, I will persevere and make my annual bold predictions for the season. While in past years, I urged people to bet their mortgage on my picks, this year I am not making such a claim. Really, who has a mortgage any more?

Last year, I correctly predicted that the Steelers would win the Super Bowl. This year, I can’t even guarantee there will be a Super Bowl. At the rate players are getting suspended, teams may not have enough to field a team.

There is no safer bet than the San Diego Chargers winning their division. There is also no safer bet than they will lose a winnable playoff game by blowing a 4th quarter lead.

Bill Belichick will check himself into rehab for a gambling addiction. There is no other explanation for him cutting every experienced back up QB on his roster. Cutting his experienced backups even after watching Haynesworth crush Brady is like doubling down on 20 in blackjack.

The Lions will have more wins than last year. There, I said it. Who’s joining me out here on the limb?

The Ravens will win less games than they did last year. Joe Flacco meets the sophomore slump. Plus Rex Ryan leaving is going to take some sharpness from that defense. Speaking of sharpness, Ray Ray put down that knife. I promise I didn’t mean any of this prediction.

Brett Favre will make 5 unbelievably great “I can’t believe what I just saw” plays this season.

Brett Favre will make 15 unbelievably terrible “What the hell was he thinking” plays this season.

(These two predictions are verbatim from last year. I stand by them again this year.)

After being arrested for assault, Tom Cable will immediately be given a contract extension by the Raiders.

Michael Vick will throw for as many TD passes this year and Scooby Doo.

Jeff Garcia will finally find a team that will let him start…in the UFL.

Tony Dungy will take on the case of rehabilitating Bernie Madoff, Gov. Mark Sanford, and Tom Sizemore.

I will witness a grown man wearing a Jets’ jersey cry like a baby because he lost his 5 team teaser when the Cardinals take a knee instead of going for the cover.

The NFL Network will launch a second channel dedicated to airing Peyton and Eli Manning commercials 24 hours a day.

No team whose mascot name starts with the letter B will make the playoffs.

These teams that will make the playoffs are:
Patriots, Steelers, Chargers, Colts, Titans and Jaguars
Giants, Packers, Seahawks, Eagles, Vikings and Saints

The teams that will play in the Super Bowl are:
Patriots and Packers

The Pats will get their revenge from Super Bowl XXXI

Are you ready for some football?

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Big Game Prediction

In my preseason predictions, I boldly stated the Steelers would win Super Bowl XLIII.

Legal Department Note: We have been issued a cease and desist order on using the term Super Bowl by the NFL. From now one, please use a different term.

In my preseason predictions, I boldly stated the Steelers would win the Superb Bowel. It's not often my pre-season picks come true (I picked Seattle to win the NFC), but since I made it this far with my prediction, I can’t quit on them now.

The Steelers will beat the Cardinals Superb Bowel XLIII and it will not be close.

Before the championship game two Sundays ago, the head of the Las Vegas Hilton sports book was on the radio. When asked what he thought the line on a possible Steelers/Cardinals match up would be, he said off the top of his head it would be at least 10 points.

When the matchup occurred, everyone in town settle on 6 ½ points and that is where it stayed. My point is that the spread should have been more and everyone is just caught up with the whole underdog story. The books realized this and did not want to put out a big line enticing everyone to jump on the underdog. So they set a line lower than they really thought the game would because they knew that this would get enough action on both sides.

I’m not buying it. The Steelers are the far superior team. The Cardinals have been dreadful on the road this year. Their only big road win (against the Panthers) required not just a bad performance by the opposing QB but a HISTORICALLY bad performance. If the Eagles had showed up to play in the first half, they would have won that game. The Steelers simply have the better team.

So make that last minute call to your friend who has a cousin who knows a bookie. Take that money you were going to spend to pay your second mortgage and put it all on the Steelers. So what if you lose and end up defaulting. You’ll just be eligible for the inevitable federal bailout. Win-Win.

Last week 2-0
Year 132-125-8

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Championship Weekend Picks

Due to the fact I have chosen the height of the football playoffs to relocate, I could not give the intense, thorough, analytical dissection of today's games that you have come to expect.

Instead I sought advice from Vinnie, from Vinnie's Moving Service. There slogan is "We break it, you buy it."

Eagles at Cardinals

"Hey, I gots a cousin Vinnie from Philly as he says the whole town is completely outta their heads over the Eagles. He don't see hows they can loss. This is also the same guy who told me there was no way my house would depreciate buy more than 5 percents and that I should move all my investments into auto company stock. He might be blood, but he's an idiot. Take the Cards and the points."

Cardinals +4 over Eagles

Ravens and Steelers

"Hey, I gots a cousin Vinny, but Vinny with a "y" since my cousin is a she, who lives in Pittsburgh but is dating some goomba from Baltimore. I love her since she's blood, but I don't care for him. I can't say any more since I am currently involved in some sensitive litigation with him over the misunderstanding of some broken furniture I moved for him and the ensuing broken jaw he suffered after complaining about said furniture. Let's just says, nothing would bring be more pleasure than to see that guy's favorite team go down in a hurling pile of stinkin' flames."

Steelers -6 over Ravens

There you have it. From the very reliable mouth of Vinnie, who also promises me that my three piece sectional couch looks better now that it is an eight and a half sectional couch.

Last week 1-3
Year 130-125-8

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Division Round- Taking it to the Streets

Like I did last year, I checked in with a fan of each team playing this weekend in order to get a better handle on which team will win. I find the physical and mental well being of a team’s fans has a direct correlation to their success... or failure.

Ravens Fan- I have completely forgone dental care for 10 years in order to pay for these season tickets. I need them to win another Super Bowl to validate the fact I whistle every time I speak.

Titans Fan- I don’t understand. Explain to me again the concept of “stereotype.”

My Pick: Titans -3 over Ravens

Cardinals Fan- What paint? Oh no, this was all caused by too much time in the Arizona sun. I am actually spraying Lanacane. I am just hoping the hair on my head will grow back.

Panthers Fan- Last year when the team went through like eight quarterbacks, I gave Coach Fox a tryout. Anything happen to Jake this time, he promised to call me but I don’t see how that will work since I got this court order to keep 500 feet away from any Panther player.

My pick: Cardinals +10 at Panthers

Giants Fan: I use to work at Lehman Brothers. I use to make $200,000 a year. I use to not have to live with my parents. I use to have self respect.

Eagles Fan: So what you changed my diaper? You want an f-in’ medal? Now, go gets me a beer, a cheese steak and McNabb’s head.

My pick: Giants -4 over Eagles

Chargers Fan: Grrrr. Aren't we mean looking? Aren't you scared to play in our house?! Okay I’m sorry. We Chargers fans just can’t do “intimidating” like Raider fan.

Steelers Fan: As a matter of fact, I am currently “single,” but that’s only because the ladies don’t understand me. They think I am crazy or something but I’m not. I do wear a helmet!

My pick: Chargers +6.5 at Steelers

Last Week 2-2
Season 129-122-8

Real Picks
Ravens/Titans over 34 ½
Giants -4 over Eagles

Year 32-29-4

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Wild Card Weekend- It's Like You Know

My picks in bold.

Falcons at Cardinals +1.5
You are back in high school. Your parents are leaving you alone for the weekend so of course you decide to have a killer house party. And this house is perfect for it. You’ve got a hug swimming pool, a game room with billiards and video games, and a fully loaded bar. You invite everyone at your school and even at the neighboring high school. Party night comes and only your five fellow members of the Mu Alpha Theta math club show up. You spend the night watching “A Beautiful Mind” and critiquing John Nash's theories.

Isn’t that how the Cardinals must feel? This is the first home playoff game they have had since they moved to Arizona. This is the first home playoff game for the Cardinals franchise in 60 years! And yet, they needed two extensions in order to sell out the game before the local blackout date.

They need to move to a new high school...I mean new city.

Colts -1.5 at Chargers
It’s The Class vs. The Ass. Manning is universally hailed as the poster child for the NFL. Polite. Great in commercials. Does charity work with the United Way.

On the other hand, Phillip Rivers looks like the guy that, while incredibly talented, no one really wants to be around because he is always chirping and yelping and talking crap. His teammates will defend him in public because they have to, but privately he was the one guy who was “accidentally” not invited to the end of the year bash at Shawne Merriman’s house.

Ravens -3 at Dolphins
You’re in Vegas and before you even check into the hotel you slip $20 into a slot machine. DING DING! You hit it for $5000. Now you are set for the trip. You can gamble to your heart's content and never have to worry about visiting an ATM or doing amateur porn for extra cash (a real option in Vegas).

That is exactly how the Dolphins must feel after beating the Jets last week and winning the division. They are playing with House money. And when you do that, the House always gets its money back.

Eagles at Vikings +3
The Vikings also had a hard time selling out their playoff game but that is because Vikings fans have zero faith in their team. Then again, Eagle fans have even less faith (negative faith?) in their team.

So this game ends up being a battle of the atheists. Symbols of faith or beliefs will be prohibited on the field and in the stands. The pre-game prayer will be replaced with players gathering to discuss plans for the offseason. None of the coach’s headsets will be plugged in while the QB helmets will play Marilyn Manson.

By halftime. I expect the stadium to be swallowed up by a black hole.

Last Week 8-7-1
Season 127-120-8