I already predict this weekend will be horrific for football. Not because I fear my favorite sea faring mammals from southern Florida will lose again. Some things you just have to come to terms with as you grow up to be a man-child.
No, far worse than that, Disney’s “The Game Plan” opens at a theatre near you this weekend. The film stars Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as a superstar QB who is suddenly forced to deal with the consequences of his skipping his college course “Application of Contraception 101.”
Side note- While I made that course up, don’t you think that should seriously be a pre-requisite class offered to college athletes. Matt Leinhart and Tom Brady now receive child support notices instead of Father’s Day cards. Travis Henry sired 9 kids! Forget the traditional easy class like “Rocks for Jocks” and instead give them a class they can use like “Socks for Jocks.”
I digress. So you get the point. The Rock has to deal with his new found little daughter while trying to lead his team to a championship and he learns a valuable lesson about being a responsible adult and working as a team and blah blah blah I am going to throw up. I saw something on ESPN where they talked about making this film look authentic, like real football fans are going to judge this movie on whether The Rock checked down to the open receiver. There is not a football fan around that is going to go out and spend the $10 to see this movie. They will wait like the rest of us until it comes on HBO and watch it when no one else is around.
It did get me thinking about what are the best football movies ever made. Hollywood has done a poor job in this department compared to other sports. There are far more good films about baseball and boxing than about America’s favorite sport. But here is my stab at those movies worthy of being called “great football flix”
Rudy - The Rocky of football films. I hate Notre Dame, but love this film.
North Dallas Forty – aside from Mac Davis making a lousy QB, I thought the film was ahead of its time to show the gritty, business side of the sport.
The Waterboy – if you don’t quote Rob Schneider’s “You can do it!” line at least once a week, you are not a football fan, and you are a liar.
Brian’s Song- the Gale Sayers (Billy Dee Williams) speech in the locker room after Brian dies can make a Vulcan cry.
Remember the Titans- alright I granted it’s a bit schmaltzy, but its got Denzel and that gives it street cred.
The Longest Yard (original) they did not need to remake this film, the original still holds up today.
Friday Night Lights – the movie actually frightened me about how obsessive Texas football fans can be. Imagine if we elected a president from there? (Yes, you are right. That was a cheap shot at President Lyndon Johnson.)
Those are my picks and I’m sticking with them. As for my weekly picks, well last week I like the movie “The Replacements,” the epitome of mediocre. I went 6-6-4 overall and 1-1-1 on my star picks. For the year, I am 19-22-6 and 4-4-2 with my star picks.
Here are this week’s picks along with the movie that best describes the game.
My picks are in bold.
*- denotes I really feel so strongly about this pick I am willing to go see it in the theatre instead on waiting for it on DVD.
Oakland +4 at Miami – “Black Sunday” – The way things are going to go for the Dolphins this Sunday, I hope a blimp crashes into the Orange Bowl. Yeah, I know they don’t play there anymore. It’s not like I want anyone to actually get hurt. Geez.
Houston at Atlanta +3 – “Back to the Future” –don’t you think the Falcon’s wish they could jump in the DeLorean, dial it back about a seven months, and never let Matt Schaub go..and never returned Joey Harrington’s phone calls.
Baltimore –4.5 at Cleveland – “Necessary Roughness” – because Ray Lewis’ act is starting to remind me of Sinbad.
*Chicago -3 at Detroit - “Starting Over” – It’s like the Bears started their real regular season this week after trying things with a “starter QB”
Green Bay at Minnesota +2 – “The Highlander” – this is the game Favre break Marino’s career TD mark, proceeds to lob off his head and scream “There can be only one!” …then throws an interception to lose the game.
*St. Louis at Dallas –13 – “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” – No Stephen Jackson. A hurt Marc Bulger. No Orlando Pace. People will be running for the aisles to avoid the unsightly gore.
*NY Jets –3.5 at Buffalo – “Buffalo 66” – which represents the total number of yards the Bills will gain with Trent Edwards at the helm.
Tampa Bay +3 at Carolina -“Song of the South” – just like the movie, this game should be banned.
Seattle -2 at San Francisco “My Dinner with Andre” –it’d be just like these two laid back, coffee sipping teams to give us a three hour game about as exciting as watching two people talking.
Pittsburgh at Arizona +6.5 - “Revenge” – If the Cardinals play one great game this year, it’ll be against the team the spurned its coach.
Kansas City +12.5 at San Diego – “Falling Down” you know how crazy Michael Douglas gets in this film, LT and Herm Edwards are one step away and who ever loses this game is heading for the Santa Monica pier.
Denver at Indianapolis –10 – “Everbody’s All American” – Peyton Manning fits the bill. He’s a great QB, likable person, and fantastic spokesperson. If he did a PSA saying sticking your fingers in your ears prevents cancer, I would listen. Actually, I wouldn’t listen too much after that since, well you get the point.
Philadelphia –2.5 at NY Giants– “The Great White Hype” – what about all the pressure placed put on Eli Manning because of his race, which is the race of people with perpetual looks of confused depression.
New England –7.5 at Cincinnati - “Spy Games” – one last dig at the eventual Super Bowl champions.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Week 3- The Blame Game
It is America’s second favorite pastime after bowling. I can’t think of a greater skill to have than the ability to deflect attention away from your own failures and shortcomings and placed them on some other completely unrelated cause.
Everyone is born with the ability to play the blame game. We start off as a toddler blaming imaginary friends for spilling the milk, move to adolescence pointing the finger at the dog for eating the biology paper, and then move on to the young adult years blaming Pabst Blue Ribbon for that unfortunate night with the 255 lbs R.A. (but I passed every room inspection after that)
But what separates the really successful people in our society from the ones who write seldom read sports blogs is the ability to truly master “ludicrum culpa.” It is the trait that leads men and women to become captains of industry, Presidents of the United States, and players in the National Football League.
This week we saw some expert play at the blame game that deserves to be called out and admired.
Donovan McNabb adeptly deflecting attention from the fact that he has lead his team to only one TD drive in eight quarters and placing attention squaring where it would inoculate him from any further criticism, by playing the race card. Well played Donovan. Well played in deed. I have tried using the race card myself by saying people put too much pressure on me to bite my bottom lip when I dance, but it has never been as effective as Donovan.
Brian Billick blamed the Jets for illegally simulating the snap count, which at least for this week took attention off the fact that the offensive genius has one of the worse offenses in the league. Next week, Billick will blame the other teams for “trying to wrap there arms around our running back and pull him to the ground in a violent manner” for the reason they score less than 10 points,
The blame game was taken to another level when it was played by every team in the league that lost to the Patriots in the last 5 years (which pretty much is every team). It is an awe-inspiring sight to witness such a large collection of individuals working together toward the same goal - explaining away their butt kicking by the Patriots on video taping. Granted, Belichick is such an easy target to blame. He dresses like a hobo, has the personality of two-month old cottage cheese, and the disposition of someone who ate that two-month old cottage cheese. Nonetheless, when an entire league tries to dodge blame for not being able to stop a team that had Antwain Smith as its starting running back from winning the Super Bowl, that’s more than just winning the blame game, that’s just plain ballsy.
Last week I went 5-10-1 in my picks a 0-3 on my star picks. Do I take responsibility for this display of putrid prognosticating? Nope. You see last week, instead of doing my due diligence, I spent it watching my recently acquired bootleg copy of seasons 2 and 3 of “Perfect Strangers.” That Balki is soooo damn funny I could not pull myself away from watching what fine mess he got his cousin Larry into next. That’s my story and I am sticking to it.
So for the season I am 13-16-2 and 3-3-1 on my star picks. Here are the picks for this week. I have already taken the time to pick who I will blame if I get them wrong. I am too busy this weekend because guess what just came to my doorstep…”Family Matters” seasons 1 and 2. Damn that Urkel makes me laugh so.
My picks are in bold.
*- denotes I really feel so strongly about this I will blame my own mother if I am wrong.
Indianapolis at Houston +6
I blame Mario Williams for trying to pick up a late fumble instead of falling on it. He wanted to run it back so he can say he had more TDs than Reggie Bush.
San Diego at Green Bay +5
I blame Norv Turner for doing what the league could not do last season, stop LT from scoring.
Minnesota at Kansas City –3
I blame Herm Edwards for using up all his time out in the first 2 minutes of the each half.
Detroit +6 at Philadelphia
I blame Donovan McNabb for reading my above blog and getting so angry he goes out a completes a pass to a wide receiver.
Buffalo +16 at New England
I blame my utter stupidity for picking against the Patriots for three straight weeks. Just like in roulette, it just has to come out black sometime…right?
*Miami at NY Jets -3
I blame my brain for overruling my heart and making me pick the stinkin’ Jets. I also blame the Jets for simulating the snap count, forcing the center to actually hike the ball to Trent Green.
Sidebar- Did you see last week where Trent Green failed in his attempt to spike the ball to stop the clock. He actually failed to make perhaps the simplest play in organized sports. Take the ball and slam it to the ground. I see one-year olds do this all the time, yet he could not. The guy next to me summed it up when he muttered “Jesus Christ, Dolphins.” Amen.
San Francisco at Pittsburgh –9
I blame all my Steelers fans who so passionately argue that the Steelers are going to win every week that I feel like I have to pick them or I might end up with a Terrible Towel in a terribly uncomfortable place.
Arizona +8 at Baltimore
I blame Matt Leinart for being too tired because he is busy raising a young baby. Oh wait, he doesn’t have to deal with that.
St. Louis + 3.5 at Tampa Bay
I blame the coin I flipped to make this pick. I have always had a thing against to Delaware quarters.
*Jacksonville at Denver –3
I blame Jake Plummer because I am old school I and I just can’t let go.
Cincinnati at Seattle –3
I blame the Seattle weather. All that rain has got to make the Seahawks depressed. Unfortunately, the league banned Prozac for them because it would be a performance-enhancing drug for Seattle.
Cleveland at Oakland –3
I blame Janikowski for hitting on fields goals for 51, 47, and 49, but missing the 39 to tie the game at the end. I guess its tough to kick a ball after downing vodka for three hours.
Carolina –4 at Atlanta
I blame Atlanta’s DB for not taunting Steve Smith thus not getting him all riled up to go off for 200 yards and 3 TDs. Where’s Deion when you need him?
NY Giants at Washington –4
I would blame Jason Campbell but is there a starting QB in the league that is talked about less than him? So I’ll blame Joe Gibbs for being so caught up with his NASCAR drivers that he’s been giving his players 5W30 instead of Gatorade.
Dallas +3 at Chicago
I blame the Cowboys for punting the ball anywhere in the direction of Devin Hester. Actually, they should go for it on every fourth down, like the Grossman is going to lead them to a score.
*Tennessee +4.5 at New Orleans I blame my friend who just moved to Tennessee from Miami and now roots for the Titans. Bad Dolphins karma is highly contagious and can spread easily to any new team a former fan pulls for..and there is NO cure. (da da da dummmm)
Everyone is born with the ability to play the blame game. We start off as a toddler blaming imaginary friends for spilling the milk, move to adolescence pointing the finger at the dog for eating the biology paper, and then move on to the young adult years blaming Pabst Blue Ribbon for that unfortunate night with the 255 lbs R.A. (but I passed every room inspection after that)
But what separates the really successful people in our society from the ones who write seldom read sports blogs is the ability to truly master “ludicrum culpa.” It is the trait that leads men and women to become captains of industry, Presidents of the United States, and players in the National Football League.
This week we saw some expert play at the blame game that deserves to be called out and admired.
Donovan McNabb adeptly deflecting attention from the fact that he has lead his team to only one TD drive in eight quarters and placing attention squaring where it would inoculate him from any further criticism, by playing the race card. Well played Donovan. Well played in deed. I have tried using the race card myself by saying people put too much pressure on me to bite my bottom lip when I dance, but it has never been as effective as Donovan.
Brian Billick blamed the Jets for illegally simulating the snap count, which at least for this week took attention off the fact that the offensive genius has one of the worse offenses in the league. Next week, Billick will blame the other teams for “trying to wrap there arms around our running back and pull him to the ground in a violent manner” for the reason they score less than 10 points,
The blame game was taken to another level when it was played by every team in the league that lost to the Patriots in the last 5 years (which pretty much is every team). It is an awe-inspiring sight to witness such a large collection of individuals working together toward the same goal - explaining away their butt kicking by the Patriots on video taping. Granted, Belichick is such an easy target to blame. He dresses like a hobo, has the personality of two-month old cottage cheese, and the disposition of someone who ate that two-month old cottage cheese. Nonetheless, when an entire league tries to dodge blame for not being able to stop a team that had Antwain Smith as its starting running back from winning the Super Bowl, that’s more than just winning the blame game, that’s just plain ballsy.
Last week I went 5-10-1 in my picks a 0-3 on my star picks. Do I take responsibility for this display of putrid prognosticating? Nope. You see last week, instead of doing my due diligence, I spent it watching my recently acquired bootleg copy of seasons 2 and 3 of “Perfect Strangers.” That Balki is soooo damn funny I could not pull myself away from watching what fine mess he got his cousin Larry into next. That’s my story and I am sticking to it.
So for the season I am 13-16-2 and 3-3-1 on my star picks. Here are the picks for this week. I have already taken the time to pick who I will blame if I get them wrong. I am too busy this weekend because guess what just came to my doorstep…”Family Matters” seasons 1 and 2. Damn that Urkel makes me laugh so.
My picks are in bold.
*- denotes I really feel so strongly about this I will blame my own mother if I am wrong.
Indianapolis at Houston +6
I blame Mario Williams for trying to pick up a late fumble instead of falling on it. He wanted to run it back so he can say he had more TDs than Reggie Bush.
San Diego at Green Bay +5
I blame Norv Turner for doing what the league could not do last season, stop LT from scoring.
Minnesota at Kansas City –3
I blame Herm Edwards for using up all his time out in the first 2 minutes of the each half.
Detroit +6 at Philadelphia
I blame Donovan McNabb for reading my above blog and getting so angry he goes out a completes a pass to a wide receiver.
Buffalo +16 at New England
I blame my utter stupidity for picking against the Patriots for three straight weeks. Just like in roulette, it just has to come out black sometime…right?
*Miami at NY Jets -3
I blame my brain for overruling my heart and making me pick the stinkin’ Jets. I also blame the Jets for simulating the snap count, forcing the center to actually hike the ball to Trent Green.
Sidebar- Did you see last week where Trent Green failed in his attempt to spike the ball to stop the clock. He actually failed to make perhaps the simplest play in organized sports. Take the ball and slam it to the ground. I see one-year olds do this all the time, yet he could not. The guy next to me summed it up when he muttered “Jesus Christ, Dolphins.” Amen.
San Francisco at Pittsburgh –9
I blame all my Steelers fans who so passionately argue that the Steelers are going to win every week that I feel like I have to pick them or I might end up with a Terrible Towel in a terribly uncomfortable place.
Arizona +8 at Baltimore
I blame Matt Leinart for being too tired because he is busy raising a young baby. Oh wait, he doesn’t have to deal with that.
St. Louis + 3.5 at Tampa Bay
I blame the coin I flipped to make this pick. I have always had a thing against to Delaware quarters.
*Jacksonville at Denver –3
I blame Jake Plummer because I am old school I and I just can’t let go.
Cincinnati at Seattle –3
I blame the Seattle weather. All that rain has got to make the Seahawks depressed. Unfortunately, the league banned Prozac for them because it would be a performance-enhancing drug for Seattle.
Cleveland at Oakland –3
I blame Janikowski for hitting on fields goals for 51, 47, and 49, but missing the 39 to tie the game at the end. I guess its tough to kick a ball after downing vodka for three hours.
Carolina –4 at Atlanta
I blame Atlanta’s DB for not taunting Steve Smith thus not getting him all riled up to go off for 200 yards and 3 TDs. Where’s Deion when you need him?
NY Giants at Washington –4
I would blame Jason Campbell but is there a starting QB in the league that is talked about less than him? So I’ll blame Joe Gibbs for being so caught up with his NASCAR drivers that he’s been giving his players 5W30 instead of Gatorade.
Dallas +3 at Chicago
I blame the Cowboys for punting the ball anywhere in the direction of Devin Hester. Actually, they should go for it on every fourth down, like the Grossman is going to lead them to a score.
*Tennessee +4.5 at New Orleans I blame my friend who just moved to Tennessee from Miami and now roots for the Titans. Bad Dolphins karma is highly contagious and can spread easily to any new team a former fan pulls for..and there is NO cure. (da da da dummmm)
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Week 2- The Foo-mmys
My week one quick hits and observations
Did anyone consider that Belichick was taping the Jets for a submission to “America’s Funniest Defense Play Calls?”
Host Bob Saget –“Look what happens if you only single cover one of the fastest receivers in the league…whoops... burned for another TD (cue up canned laugh track and cut to audience guffawing).”
Holy Wes Craven, NY Giants players were dropping like half naked teenagers on Elm Street. Now that I think of it, Tom Couglin sort of looks like Freddy Kruger.
After months of being out of the lime light, a once might superstar comes back to the main stage only to give a performance that leaves everyone’s muttering “What the hell was that?” No I am not talking about Britney, I’m referring to Donovan McNabb. While he might have looked better than Britney in a bra and bikini bottom, their performances was eerily similar They both staggered around the stage/field looking completely lost, had no rhythm, and left you screaming “I picked Britney to go to the Super Bowl ?!”
It’s so good to see Tim Donaghy get a second chance after the whole basketball gambling fix. He seemed to fit right in as the back judge for the Ravens-Bengals game. Nice call on that Todd Heap pass-interference play. Hope Fat Paulie pays you well for keeping the Ravens from covering.
In their suit and ties, Jack Del Rio and Mike Nolan looked less like NFL head coaches and more like substitute teachers.
Which will last longer, a bottle of vodka in Lindsay Lohan’s hand, Paris Hilton’s relationship with God, or Derek Anderson as Brown’s QB? Seeing how the previous QB went for getting the coach’s vote of confidence to traded to Seattle in less than 48 hours, I think I’ll bet on the vodka staying out of Lindsay’s bloodstream as lasting longer.
---
Now on to the picks. In honor of this Sunday also being the 59th Emmy Awards, along with my picks, I am doling out my own football Emmys or “Foo-mmys.”
Last week I went 8-6-2 in my picks, but a stellar 3-0-1 with my star picks. So basically, only listen to half of what I say, just try figuring out what half.
My picks are in bold.
*- denotes I really feel so strongly about this I would testify under oath in a court of law to its validity.
And the Foo-mmy goes to…
Indianapolis at Tennessee +7
Outstanding Directing for a Drama Series. After watching Peyton doing all that crazy direction at the line of scrimmage, do you wonder if instead of yelling “Hut,” he yells “Action!”
*Cincinnati –6.5 at Cleveland
Outstanding Directing for a Comedy Series. The way Romeo Crennel has handled his QB situation is a mark of a true genius, in the spirit of the Keystone Kops.
Buffalo at Pittsburgh –9
Outstanding Stunt Coordination It is remarkable how they make it look like JP Losman is getting absolutely crushed when he gets sacked by the Steelers, when we all know it’s staged so he doesn’t get hurtl. Right JP? JP? Is you helmet supposed to be turned around like that?
Houston at Carolina –6.5
Outstanding Animated Programming Tell Steve Smith he’s going to get shut down and he gets as mad a Yosemite Sam, runs by defensive backs as fast as the Road Runner, and ends up taunting opposing teams like Bugs Bunny. Texan coach Gary Kubiak is going have that Elmer Fudd look all day.
San Francisco at St. Louis –3
Outstanding Hairstyling for a Series. Steven Jackson’s flowing dreadlocks makes him look like a better running back. I believe dreadlocks add at least five spots to a player’s fantasy football ranking. Besides, he looks so darn cool. It almost makes me forget the two fumbles last week…almost.
Green Bay +1 at NY Giants
Outstanding Miniseries It’s a continuing saga of when will Tom Coughlin be fired. I loved the new twist of taking away his QB, running back, and best defensive player. I’m dying for the next episode to see how he gets out of this jam in time to save his job.
Atlanta +10.5 at Jacksonville
Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series. I love the subtle comedic nuisance Joey Harrington brings to his role as the hapless second banana thrust into the lead role, like just when you think it can’t get worse, he throws another pick for a TD. As Joey would tell you, comedy is all about topping yourself.
*New Orleans –3.5 at Tampa Bay
Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series. Jon Gruden is like Al Pacino if Al ever portrayed a football coach. Oh he did? I mean portrayed a football coach well. Gruden emotes so much, they have to wipe the field clean with “Emote Be Gone” after every game. (Not available in stores, call now to get your free sample.)
Minnesota at Detroit –3
Outstanding Directing for a Variety Program Mike Martz really embraces variety as he directs the Detroit offense, from throwing the ball deep to throwing the ball really deep. You never know what’s coming next (hint: look for the deep pass)
Dallas –4 at Miami
Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series. Name calling. Coach bashing. QB-sexual orientation questioning. Hold outs. Front lawn push-ups. Attempted Accidental Suicide. T.O., you own this category.
*Seattle –3 at Arizona
Outstanding Guest Actor in a Comedy Series Ken Whisenhunt takes up the revolving part of “the coach who enters with high hopes of turning around a sorry franchise only to have his heart crushed as he is fired in three years for never breaking 8-8.” Dennis Green was the standard bearer of how to play this role, so Ken you have big shoes to fill.
NY Jets at Baltimore –10
Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series This game boasts two supporting actors taking over lead roles as QB, and I promise you one will have a bold dramatic performance…as they boldly throw a interception run back for a TD.
Oakland at Denver –9.5
Outstanding Directing for a Miniseries. Mike Shanahan has done a brilliant job of directing this long running serial drama “How to Torment Your Crazy Ex-Boss.”
Kansas City at Chicago –12.5
Outstanding Comedy Series. Watch the hilarity as Rex Grossman plays a clueless college kid trying to pass himself off as an NFL QB, My favorite line is when the cranky Coach Smith slaps his forehead and yelps “Oh, Rex, ya threw it to the wrong team again!”
San Diego +3.5 at New England
Outstanding Dramatic Series. There will be more bad blood than on any episode of the Sopranos, but with a better ending,
Washington at Philadelphia –7
Outstanding Casting for a Comedy Series Recipe for a knee-slapping comedy - cast your team by spending more money than anyone else, use all that money to gather mediocre talent, and fill the role of head coach with a guy running a NASCAR team. Oh, that Daniel Snyder has been America’s favorite diminutive, high strung, ne’er-do-well capitalist since Alex P. Keaton.
Did anyone consider that Belichick was taping the Jets for a submission to “America’s Funniest Defense Play Calls?”
Host Bob Saget –“Look what happens if you only single cover one of the fastest receivers in the league…whoops... burned for another TD (cue up canned laugh track and cut to audience guffawing).”
Holy Wes Craven, NY Giants players were dropping like half naked teenagers on Elm Street. Now that I think of it, Tom Couglin sort of looks like Freddy Kruger.
After months of being out of the lime light, a once might superstar comes back to the main stage only to give a performance that leaves everyone’s muttering “What the hell was that?” No I am not talking about Britney, I’m referring to Donovan McNabb. While he might have looked better than Britney in a bra and bikini bottom, their performances was eerily similar They both staggered around the stage/field looking completely lost, had no rhythm, and left you screaming “I picked Britney to go to the Super Bowl ?!”
It’s so good to see Tim Donaghy get a second chance after the whole basketball gambling fix. He seemed to fit right in as the back judge for the Ravens-Bengals game. Nice call on that Todd Heap pass-interference play. Hope Fat Paulie pays you well for keeping the Ravens from covering.
In their suit and ties, Jack Del Rio and Mike Nolan looked less like NFL head coaches and more like substitute teachers.
Which will last longer, a bottle of vodka in Lindsay Lohan’s hand, Paris Hilton’s relationship with God, or Derek Anderson as Brown’s QB? Seeing how the previous QB went for getting the coach’s vote of confidence to traded to Seattle in less than 48 hours, I think I’ll bet on the vodka staying out of Lindsay’s bloodstream as lasting longer.
---
Now on to the picks. In honor of this Sunday also being the 59th Emmy Awards, along with my picks, I am doling out my own football Emmys or “Foo-mmys.”
Last week I went 8-6-2 in my picks, but a stellar 3-0-1 with my star picks. So basically, only listen to half of what I say, just try figuring out what half.
My picks are in bold.
*- denotes I really feel so strongly about this I would testify under oath in a court of law to its validity.
And the Foo-mmy goes to…
Indianapolis at Tennessee +7
Outstanding Directing for a Drama Series. After watching Peyton doing all that crazy direction at the line of scrimmage, do you wonder if instead of yelling “Hut,” he yells “Action!”
*Cincinnati –6.5 at Cleveland
Outstanding Directing for a Comedy Series. The way Romeo Crennel has handled his QB situation is a mark of a true genius, in the spirit of the Keystone Kops.
Buffalo at Pittsburgh –9
Outstanding Stunt Coordination It is remarkable how they make it look like JP Losman is getting absolutely crushed when he gets sacked by the Steelers, when we all know it’s staged so he doesn’t get hurtl. Right JP? JP? Is you helmet supposed to be turned around like that?
Houston at Carolina –6.5
Outstanding Animated Programming Tell Steve Smith he’s going to get shut down and he gets as mad a Yosemite Sam, runs by defensive backs as fast as the Road Runner, and ends up taunting opposing teams like Bugs Bunny. Texan coach Gary Kubiak is going have that Elmer Fudd look all day.
San Francisco at St. Louis –3
Outstanding Hairstyling for a Series. Steven Jackson’s flowing dreadlocks makes him look like a better running back. I believe dreadlocks add at least five spots to a player’s fantasy football ranking. Besides, he looks so darn cool. It almost makes me forget the two fumbles last week…almost.
Green Bay +1 at NY Giants
Outstanding Miniseries It’s a continuing saga of when will Tom Coughlin be fired. I loved the new twist of taking away his QB, running back, and best defensive player. I’m dying for the next episode to see how he gets out of this jam in time to save his job.
Atlanta +10.5 at Jacksonville
Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series. I love the subtle comedic nuisance Joey Harrington brings to his role as the hapless second banana thrust into the lead role, like just when you think it can’t get worse, he throws another pick for a TD. As Joey would tell you, comedy is all about topping yourself.
*New Orleans –3.5 at Tampa Bay
Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series. Jon Gruden is like Al Pacino if Al ever portrayed a football coach. Oh he did? I mean portrayed a football coach well. Gruden emotes so much, they have to wipe the field clean with “Emote Be Gone” after every game. (Not available in stores, call now to get your free sample.)
Minnesota at Detroit –3
Outstanding Directing for a Variety Program Mike Martz really embraces variety as he directs the Detroit offense, from throwing the ball deep to throwing the ball really deep. You never know what’s coming next (hint: look for the deep pass)
Dallas –4 at Miami
Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series. Name calling. Coach bashing. QB-sexual orientation questioning. Hold outs. Front lawn push-ups. Attempted Accidental Suicide. T.O., you own this category.
*Seattle –3 at Arizona
Outstanding Guest Actor in a Comedy Series Ken Whisenhunt takes up the revolving part of “the coach who enters with high hopes of turning around a sorry franchise only to have his heart crushed as he is fired in three years for never breaking 8-8.” Dennis Green was the standard bearer of how to play this role, so Ken you have big shoes to fill.
NY Jets at Baltimore –10
Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series This game boasts two supporting actors taking over lead roles as QB, and I promise you one will have a bold dramatic performance…as they boldly throw a interception run back for a TD.
Oakland at Denver –9.5
Outstanding Directing for a Miniseries. Mike Shanahan has done a brilliant job of directing this long running serial drama “How to Torment Your Crazy Ex-Boss.”
Kansas City at Chicago –12.5
Outstanding Comedy Series. Watch the hilarity as Rex Grossman plays a clueless college kid trying to pass himself off as an NFL QB, My favorite line is when the cranky Coach Smith slaps his forehead and yelps “Oh, Rex, ya threw it to the wrong team again!”
San Diego +3.5 at New England
Outstanding Dramatic Series. There will be more bad blood than on any episode of the Sopranos, but with a better ending,
Washington at Philadelphia –7
Outstanding Casting for a Comedy Series Recipe for a knee-slapping comedy - cast your team by spending more money than anyone else, use all that money to gather mediocre talent, and fill the role of head coach with a guy running a NASCAR team. Oh, that Daniel Snyder has been America’s favorite diminutive, high strung, ne’er-do-well capitalist since Alex P. Keaton.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Week One- Let the Hysteria Begin!
The best thing about this weekend is not that it’s the start of football season. No, the best thing is that it’s the start of “over-reaction” season, my favorite emotional response next to “hysterical paralysis.” After the week one, fans for each team go through this frenzied reaction to what they just witnessed. Either the reaction is irrational exuberance because their team has a shot at 16-0 or inconsolable grief because they are looking at 0-16.
The fans are so sensitive because they have been without real football for so long. Their football brain has een dormant for six months so it cannot process all this stimuli. To make it understandable to women who hate football, this would be the equivalent of not being able to shop for six months then dropping you in the middle of a Macy’s one-day sale. For those men who do like football, this would be like taking away all your "Golden Girls" DVDs and then all of a sudden letting you watch a 24-hour marathon of Blanche’s great moments.
Well, I can’t wait for the over-reaction to begin. So with each of my predictions this week, I am going to tell you how the fans will take the results. Let the hysteria begin!
So far I am 1-0 for the season. I should quit while I am ahead, but I know you desperately need my picks for your own personal financial gain. Also, I never quit while I am ahead, that’s why I’m broke.
My picks are in bold.
*- denotes I really feel so strongly about this I might, might actually place my own money on it.
*Kansas City at Houston –3
Chiefs fan- “Why don’t they just run Larry Johnson 60 times a game!”
Texans fan- “Did you see that ½ sack Mario Williams got! That’s why we picked him over Reggie who!”
Denver –3.5 at Buffalo
Denver fan- “I feel like Jay Cutler is going to make us all forget that Elway guy.”
Buffalo fan – “God, that November 11 road trip to Miami can’t come soon enough.”
*Pittsburgh –5 at Cleveland
Steelers fan- “I told you that Bill Cowher’s running and defense first philosophy was killing us. That’s why we only won one Super Bowl and not 10!”
Browns fan- “Is Tim Couch still a free agent?”
Tennessee at Jacksonville –6.5
Titans fan- “Why doesn’t Vince Young just throw the ball to himself. Bet he has better hands than any of our receivers.”
Jaguars fan- “Oh my god, did you see our quarterback play an entire game without limping!”
Carolina at St. Louis –1
Panthers fan- “Compared to watching the Panthers play, I guess hurricane season ain't that bad.”
Rams fan- “We are so going to be in the playoff hunt until the very last week of the season and then blow it by losing to Arizona. Yeah!”
Philadelphia –3 at Green Bay
Eagles fan “ F***ing eagles are f***ing awesome and if you says anytun I’m going f***king shove you earlobe up your nose. You hear me kid?!”
Packers fan “I don’t look at the 5 ints and 10 overthrows. Favre just needs some blocking and he’ll take us to the Super Bowl. He walks on water you know.”
Atlanta at Minnesota –3
Falcons fan – “Look, technically Vick is still on the roster and he doesn’t have to report to prison until December, so why not…”
Vikings fan – “I think Tavaris Jackson is the second coming to Fran Tarkenton. Oh lord, that means four Super Bowl losses! Bring back Bubby Brister!”
Miami +3 at Washington
Dolphins fan- “I knew passing on Brady Quinn was a great idea. Look at the way Ted Guinn Jr. sits on the bench. He sits on the bench so much better that Brady would have.”
Redskins fan- “He looks like Joe Gibbs, he sounds like Joe Gibbs, but has anyone noticed he is turning into Captain Queeg from the USS Caine? ”
New England at NY Jets +6.5
Patriots fan- “Why couldn’t Rodney have kept his mouth shut about the HGH just like the rest of our team.”
Jets fan- “Look I love my son and all, but the Jets winning it all would make me happier than they day he was born. Don't tell his mother I said that.”
*Tampa Bay at Seattle –6
Buccaneers fan- “What’s that? We have a pro football team?”
Seahawks fan- “This team has got me so happy I am cutting back from 6 to 3 my daily dose of Prozac.”
Chicago at San Diego –6
Bears fan – “I blame Grossman for not only this loss, but for the foreclosure on my home, the downsizing of my job and my ED problem.”
Chargers fan- “This team is so great that I am definitely going to keep cheering for them after they move to LA in two years.”
Detroit +1.5 at Oakland
Lions fan- “You think if we go 8-8, we can talk Barry Sanders into coming back?”
Raiders fan- “I plead no contest, your honor.”
NY Giants at Dallas –6
Giants fan- “If da Jets have a better year dan us, I’ll bees so depressed I’m gonna slit someone’s wrists.”
Cowboys fan-“See Parcells, was just too tough on this team. Expecting them to play hard every down and not make mistakes. Hey, the Switzer approach got us our last Super Bowl didn’t it?”
Baltimore +3 at Cincinnati
Ravens fans- “I’m not saying they win “pretty.” I’m not even going to say they win “good looking in a natural sort of way.” I won't even go so far as to say they win in a “comely but grows on you fashion.” They win ugly, but I still love them.”
Bengals fan- “Is it just me or do they play better when under indictment?”
*Arizona at San Francisco –3
Cardinals fans “Death, taxes, and the Cardinals missing the playoffs.”
49ers fan- “Hey, go back to that Golden Girls marathon!”
The fans are so sensitive because they have been without real football for so long. Their football brain has een dormant for six months so it cannot process all this stimuli. To make it understandable to women who hate football, this would be the equivalent of not being able to shop for six months then dropping you in the middle of a Macy’s one-day sale. For those men who do like football, this would be like taking away all your "Golden Girls" DVDs and then all of a sudden letting you watch a 24-hour marathon of Blanche’s great moments.
Well, I can’t wait for the over-reaction to begin. So with each of my predictions this week, I am going to tell you how the fans will take the results. Let the hysteria begin!
So far I am 1-0 for the season. I should quit while I am ahead, but I know you desperately need my picks for your own personal financial gain. Also, I never quit while I am ahead, that’s why I’m broke.
My picks are in bold.
*- denotes I really feel so strongly about this I might, might actually place my own money on it.
*Kansas City at Houston –3
Chiefs fan- “Why don’t they just run Larry Johnson 60 times a game!”
Texans fan- “Did you see that ½ sack Mario Williams got! That’s why we picked him over Reggie who!”
Denver –3.5 at Buffalo
Denver fan- “I feel like Jay Cutler is going to make us all forget that Elway guy.”
Buffalo fan – “God, that November 11 road trip to Miami can’t come soon enough.”
*Pittsburgh –5 at Cleveland
Steelers fan- “I told you that Bill Cowher’s running and defense first philosophy was killing us. That’s why we only won one Super Bowl and not 10!”
Browns fan- “Is Tim Couch still a free agent?”
Tennessee at Jacksonville –6.5
Titans fan- “Why doesn’t Vince Young just throw the ball to himself. Bet he has better hands than any of our receivers.”
Jaguars fan- “Oh my god, did you see our quarterback play an entire game without limping!”
Carolina at St. Louis –1
Panthers fan- “Compared to watching the Panthers play, I guess hurricane season ain't that bad.”
Rams fan- “We are so going to be in the playoff hunt until the very last week of the season and then blow it by losing to Arizona. Yeah!”
Philadelphia –3 at Green Bay
Eagles fan “ F***ing eagles are f***ing awesome and if you says anytun I’m going f***king shove you earlobe up your nose. You hear me kid?!”
Packers fan “I don’t look at the 5 ints and 10 overthrows. Favre just needs some blocking and he’ll take us to the Super Bowl. He walks on water you know.”
Atlanta at Minnesota –3
Falcons fan – “Look, technically Vick is still on the roster and he doesn’t have to report to prison until December, so why not…”
Vikings fan – “I think Tavaris Jackson is the second coming to Fran Tarkenton. Oh lord, that means four Super Bowl losses! Bring back Bubby Brister!”
Miami +3 at Washington
Dolphins fan- “I knew passing on Brady Quinn was a great idea. Look at the way Ted Guinn Jr. sits on the bench. He sits on the bench so much better that Brady would have.”
Redskins fan- “He looks like Joe Gibbs, he sounds like Joe Gibbs, but has anyone noticed he is turning into Captain Queeg from the USS Caine? ”
New England at NY Jets +6.5
Patriots fan- “Why couldn’t Rodney have kept his mouth shut about the HGH just like the rest of our team.”
Jets fan- “Look I love my son and all, but the Jets winning it all would make me happier than they day he was born. Don't tell his mother I said that.”
*Tampa Bay at Seattle –6
Buccaneers fan- “What’s that? We have a pro football team?”
Seahawks fan- “This team has got me so happy I am cutting back from 6 to 3 my daily dose of Prozac.”
Chicago at San Diego –6
Bears fan – “I blame Grossman for not only this loss, but for the foreclosure on my home, the downsizing of my job and my ED problem.”
Chargers fan- “This team is so great that I am definitely going to keep cheering for them after they move to LA in two years.”
Detroit +1.5 at Oakland
Lions fan- “You think if we go 8-8, we can talk Barry Sanders into coming back?”
Raiders fan- “I plead no contest, your honor.”
NY Giants at Dallas –6
Giants fan- “If da Jets have a better year dan us, I’ll bees so depressed I’m gonna slit someone’s wrists.”
Cowboys fan-“See Parcells, was just too tough on this team. Expecting them to play hard every down and not make mistakes. Hey, the Switzer approach got us our last Super Bowl didn’t it?”
Baltimore +3 at Cincinnati
Ravens fans- “I’m not saying they win “pretty.” I’m not even going to say they win “good looking in a natural sort of way.” I won't even go so far as to say they win in a “comely but grows on you fashion.” They win ugly, but I still love them.”
Bengals fan- “Is it just me or do they play better when under indictment?”
*Arizona at San Francisco –3
Cardinals fans “Death, taxes, and the Cardinals missing the playoffs.”
49ers fan- “Hey, go back to that Golden Girls marathon!”
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Prelude to the 2007 Season
It is that time of the year again. The time when hope springs eternal. Time when old men become young again. When even atheists have faith. When every true, red-blooded football fan believes deep down inside, with every fiber of their being, and against all reason and logic, that this is THE year. This is the year that Matt Millen finally gets fired as Lions GM.
Well I hate to throw cold water on your hopes and dreams, but there is a greater chance of a Hooters opening up in Tehran than Matt Millen getting fired. His genius of drafting strictly wide receivers will finally be proven out this season when the Lions unveil their 9- receiver set. True, Kitna will have to deliver the ball in .035 seconds after taking the snap, but Mike Martz is just the kind of guy who can make this work. Think I am kidding. I boldly predict that the Lions will win more than six games this year. How’s that for putting myself out on a limb.
Here are some of my other bold face type predictions for the upcoming season:
More players will be suspended for illegal substance use than there will be victories for the Buccaneers. This HGH scandal is just the tip of the needle. In a league where a Super Bowl punter (Todd Sauerbrun) was linked to steroid use, you have got to believe there are a lot of players using heavy amounts of special flaxseed oil. By the way, Rodney Harrison admits to HGH use and there is barely a peep. Barry Bonds is only suggested to have used it and people treat him like he’s got strain resistant TB. The NFL is so Teflon.
Another active player will be thrown to the dogs. I can’t believe Michael Vick was the only football player involved in dog fighting. I bet there are several players in the league right now hoping and praying that whatever deal the Feds are offering Vick, it does not include naming other players. Of course, should they get caught, they will always find a place as Vick’s teammate on the 2009 Oakland Raiders.
Herm Edwards' post game new conferences will be far more entertaining than any new show on this fall’s TV schedule. As a matter of fact, I predict ABC will drop “Cavemen” and just run the best of clips of Herm explaining why his team ran only one play in the final 2 minutes of a game.
Dante Culpepper will have a better season than Trent Green. As a Dolphin fan, I am as sure of this as I am that Wes Welker will catch a three touchdowns against the Dolphins. I am not a bitter fan, I’m not. It is just that there is a lump of coal where my heart once beat because those Dolphins cut it out of me.
Starting from Week 5 on, every game the Giants play will be for Tom Coughlin’s job. He’ll survive the season but it will be excruciating to watch the whole “Dead Man Coaching” play out. But after it’s over, he’ll have a new gig on the Today in a segment called “Tiki and Tom’s Relationship and Barbeque Tips.”
Travis Henry will be named the league’s MVP- Most Vigorous Procreator It recently came out that Henry has fathered nine children from nine different women in four states. With that kind of accuracy, you would think Henry would make a hell of a quarterback. Watch out Jay Cutler! Not necessarily for your job, but be careful Travis does not impregnate you.
Baltimore Ravens will go to the Super Bowl for the AFC. I predict this for three reasons
1. Their defense is still strong and, with Willis McGahee, their offense will be just good enough to win the AFC.
2. Because picking the Patriots would be the simple thing to do.
3. Because Ray Lewis scares the #$%& out of me and said if I didn’t pick them he would “obstruct justice” on my ass.
Philadelphia Eagles will go to the Super Bowl from the NFC. I predict this for three reasons.
1. Hell hath no fury like a QB scorned, and McNabb is scorned over the Eagles taking a QB with their fist pick. He was hurt. He’s cried over several appletinis with his boys. And now he’s a new man and ready to show Coach Reid that “Nobody puts Donovan in the corner!”
2. Coach Reid needs to keep this season running as long as possible so he can avoid having to deal with his delinquent sons. Look, that quality time with the family didn’t keep his kids out of trouble, why not try the away for work approach. By the way, how does a guy from BYU end up with two sons who drink and do drugs?
3. Because Philly fan scares me more than Ray Lewis. At least Ray Ray has something to live for and might come to his senses and stop pummeling me. Philly fan lives in Philadelphia. Why would life in prison scare them?
And for my first game prediction of the new season,
Colts – 5.5 over the Saints
I think this game will be closer to Arena Football than regular football. I see the defenses of the Colts and Saints putting up about as much resistance as Democrats to the Bush administration. This means there will be a lot of yelling, probably a few sacks and interceptions, but at the end of the day the offenses will be deploying players into the end zone at will.
Well I hate to throw cold water on your hopes and dreams, but there is a greater chance of a Hooters opening up in Tehran than Matt Millen getting fired. His genius of drafting strictly wide receivers will finally be proven out this season when the Lions unveil their 9- receiver set. True, Kitna will have to deliver the ball in .035 seconds after taking the snap, but Mike Martz is just the kind of guy who can make this work. Think I am kidding. I boldly predict that the Lions will win more than six games this year. How’s that for putting myself out on a limb.
Here are some of my other bold face type predictions for the upcoming season:
More players will be suspended for illegal substance use than there will be victories for the Buccaneers. This HGH scandal is just the tip of the needle. In a league where a Super Bowl punter (Todd Sauerbrun) was linked to steroid use, you have got to believe there are a lot of players using heavy amounts of special flaxseed oil. By the way, Rodney Harrison admits to HGH use and there is barely a peep. Barry Bonds is only suggested to have used it and people treat him like he’s got strain resistant TB. The NFL is so Teflon.
Another active player will be thrown to the dogs. I can’t believe Michael Vick was the only football player involved in dog fighting. I bet there are several players in the league right now hoping and praying that whatever deal the Feds are offering Vick, it does not include naming other players. Of course, should they get caught, they will always find a place as Vick’s teammate on the 2009 Oakland Raiders.
Herm Edwards' post game new conferences will be far more entertaining than any new show on this fall’s TV schedule. As a matter of fact, I predict ABC will drop “Cavemen” and just run the best of clips of Herm explaining why his team ran only one play in the final 2 minutes of a game.
Dante Culpepper will have a better season than Trent Green. As a Dolphin fan, I am as sure of this as I am that Wes Welker will catch a three touchdowns against the Dolphins. I am not a bitter fan, I’m not. It is just that there is a lump of coal where my heart once beat because those Dolphins cut it out of me.
Starting from Week 5 on, every game the Giants play will be for Tom Coughlin’s job. He’ll survive the season but it will be excruciating to watch the whole “Dead Man Coaching” play out. But after it’s over, he’ll have a new gig on the Today in a segment called “Tiki and Tom’s Relationship and Barbeque Tips.”
Travis Henry will be named the league’s MVP- Most Vigorous Procreator It recently came out that Henry has fathered nine children from nine different women in four states. With that kind of accuracy, you would think Henry would make a hell of a quarterback. Watch out Jay Cutler! Not necessarily for your job, but be careful Travis does not impregnate you.
Baltimore Ravens will go to the Super Bowl for the AFC. I predict this for three reasons
1. Their defense is still strong and, with Willis McGahee, their offense will be just good enough to win the AFC.
2. Because picking the Patriots would be the simple thing to do.
3. Because Ray Lewis scares the #$%& out of me and said if I didn’t pick them he would “obstruct justice” on my ass.
Philadelphia Eagles will go to the Super Bowl from the NFC. I predict this for three reasons.
1. Hell hath no fury like a QB scorned, and McNabb is scorned over the Eagles taking a QB with their fist pick. He was hurt. He’s cried over several appletinis with his boys. And now he’s a new man and ready to show Coach Reid that “Nobody puts Donovan in the corner!”
2. Coach Reid needs to keep this season running as long as possible so he can avoid having to deal with his delinquent sons. Look, that quality time with the family didn’t keep his kids out of trouble, why not try the away for work approach. By the way, how does a guy from BYU end up with two sons who drink and do drugs?
3. Because Philly fan scares me more than Ray Lewis. At least Ray Ray has something to live for and might come to his senses and stop pummeling me. Philly fan lives in Philadelphia. Why would life in prison scare them?
And for my first game prediction of the new season,
Colts – 5.5 over the Saints
I think this game will be closer to Arena Football than regular football. I see the defenses of the Colts and Saints putting up about as much resistance as Democrats to the Bush administration. This means there will be a lot of yelling, probably a few sacks and interceptions, but at the end of the day the offenses will be deploying players into the end zone at will.
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