Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Eddie Murphy- Sports Prognosticator

Almost 20 years before it happened, Eddie Murphy predicted how the Giants/Packers game would end. Now, if he could have only foreseen Pluto Nash and that hooker's Adam's apple.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Cheers that Make the Difference

A couple of weeks ago, I checked with the fans of each team playing to get insight on how their team would play. It was.. how do you say?…insightful. Upon reflection and a couple of more beers, I decided that I failed to get the really deep …how do you say… insight into each team.

So I went to an even more informative source - the cheerleading squad. Many so called “experts” fail to weight the value of a team’s cheers in predicting the outcome of the game. I don’t mean how the cheerleaders look, but the quality and veracity of their signature cheer. As you know, positive reinforcement is the key to any team’s success. Just ask Bobby Knight.

Here are the playoff ready cheers these incredibly talented and dedicated mavens of exuberance have penned.

San Diego Chargers Cheerleader
“LT! LT! He’s our man!
If can’t do it, no one can!

He’s hurt? Oh then…

Rivers! Rivers! He’s our man!
If can’t do it,..what? him too?

Antonio! Antonio! He’s our man!
You are kidding me, him too?

No, I don’t follow the game, I am too busy coming up with cheers.

Damn. We don’t have a prayer. I’m so depressed, I’m gonna put on some more hair spray to cheer me up.”

New England Patriots Cheerleader
“Gimme a Z!
Gimme an O!
Gimme an O!
Gimme a M!
Gimme an I!
Gimme a N!

What’s that spell?

Green Bay Packers Cheerleader
“I like cheddar!
I like cheese!

For a Packers win
I’ll get on my knees!

But I’ll need help getting back up because this layer of fat I put on for winter had left me a little less limber.”

NY Giants Cheerleader
Editor’s Note: Did you know that the NY Giants do not have official team cheerleaders? Because of the enormity of this game, they hired this currently out of work “Giant” to lead the fans in rooting on the team.

“The cream!
The clear!

Take some Giants
So I’m not the only one!

Now bug off. I hate you all.”

Referee Cheerleader
“Call that offsides
And illegal chuck
The boys in stripes
Are the ones I ____ !

Goooooo Zebras!

Sue me, I love men in authority.”

Chargers +14 at Patriots
I was all set to pick the Pats giving the points until I saw the weather report. The only thing Tom Brady hates more that faulty IUDs is strong wind. The only game he did not throw a TD was in windy conditions against the Jets, and this might come as a shocker, but the Chargers are better than the Jets.

Giants at Packers –7 Ely’s Magic Carpet ride comes to a frigid end in the tundra this weekend. I predict Brett Favre throws a TD pass in between his legs, with his back to the line of scrimmage while eating a kielbasa sausage.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Father Shows Son How to be a True Fan

(click on title for full story)

According to the Associated Press, authorities arrested a poor Packers' fan for the petty offense of tying his son up with tape and forcing the impertinent little lad to wear a Packers' jersey. Apparently, the kid violated the "honor thy father's favorite football team" commandment and refused to wear the jersey during the game last weekend.I don't get the problem.

Just like circumcision, braces and fastballs in the cup, it is a rite of passage for every young man to have his father's favorite team crammed down his throat.

What's the government going to do next? Forbid fathers from making their sons wear dresses when they get cut for the football team. What about parental rights? Maybe I ..I mean the kid looked better in sequins?

Friday, January 11, 2008

BREAKING NEWS: Simpson accused of violating bail terms

Looks like the Cowboys have had enough.

From just reading the headline, it seems Jessica Simpson must have violated the terms of the restraining order Jerry Jones put on her to keep away from Tony Romo.

It's a sad situaton but I guess jail time is the only way some people will learn their lesson.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

The Greatness of Coming in Second

This week the playoffs get serious. Six of the teams are fighting tooth and nail for the opportunity to eventually lose to the Patriots, while one team, Jacksonville, gets the honor of playing that role this Saturday.

If you ask me, second place gets a bad rap. Some might say it is a terrible attitude to desire to be anything less than first place. I prefer to call it “expectation-adjustment.” Look forward to coming in second, then when you achieve it, you’ll feel like a winner. Even if the rest of the world calls you a loser, it’s what is on the inside that counts.

Sure, first place gets you all the fame, fortune and endorsement deals. But by coming in second, you don’t have to deal with all the burdens of fame and wealth. Like Biggie said, “Mo money, mo problems, … hey was that a firecracker?!” Nobody ever tried to kill Young MC.

So this week, I wish to pay tribute to all the teams vying to be runner up to the Patriots. I also wish to pay homage to some other great second place finishers. It’s easy to honor the winners but since most of us have never won anything, don’t we all relate a little bit more to these lovable runner-ups.

The Chico Bail Bonds Bears
Perhaps the greatest runner-ups in movie history. They inspired young kids in the ‘70s to look up to beer swilling pitchers. And one of those little kids grew up to be David Wells.

The Buffalo Bills
Talk about driving home the point. Four consecutive second place finishes make them the ultimate runner-ups. But seriously, one player and one play makes them great. Don Beebe running down Leon Lett when the game was hopelessly out of hand. That’s what make a great second place finisher, the guy willing to hustle to maintain a little bit of pride.

Wile E Coyote
Perseverance makes Wile great. He knows he is not fast enough. He knows ACME is the worst supplier of ammunition in the world. And he knows, even if he caught the road runner, he couldn’t eat him because his doctor put him on a low-cholesterol diet.

The only horse in the history of racing to finish second in all three Triple Crown races. He would grow to bigger fame as the symbol for Alydar Glue Products.

Apollo Creed
Let’s face it, he really lost the first fight with Rocky too. But the man had style and grace and was the only one who could pull off wearing those trunks.

Buzz Aldrin
“Um.. okay what do I say when I step on the moon? Nothing? But people will expect to hear something from the second guy on the moon. You have to cut to commercial when it’s my turn? What the hell!”

I went a respectable 2-1-1 last week so you might not want to discount my advice completely…only partially.

Seattle +8.5 at Green Bay
To paraphrase Matt Hasselbeck, “I’ll take this bet and I am going to cash it!” He took a lot of grief for making the bold “we are going to score” comment the last time these two played in the playoffs. But honestly, would you rather he say “We are going to take the ball, and really give it the old college try to score but we may not and that’s okay because you guys are really good and, oh look at the time, my sister-in-law’s show is on and that Joy Behar cracks me up.”

Jacksonville +13.5 at New England
I call this the “breaking 100” game. When a guy goes bowling with his friends, he at least wants to “break a 100” so he looks somewhat respectable. There is no chance for Jacksonville to actually win this game outright, but with their running game and defense, they should be able to make it respectable. And when it comes to playing the Patriots, isn’t that what any team wants to do.

San Diego at Indianapolis –9
The last time these teams played, Peyton threw something like 22 interceptions and the Colts still should have won. So, all Peyton has to do is keep the INTs down to single digits and they’ll win. Basically, play like Eli.

NY Giants +7.5 at Dallas
This Jessica Simpson jinx thing is getting out of control. No one on the Cowboys seriously believes it. But not to take changes Jerry Jones this week tried to set up Eli Manning with Britney Spears. Between the bad luck those two possess, their union could swallow the planet in a black hole.

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Friday, January 4, 2008

Straight from the Fan's Mouth

To really know what will happen during the upcoming playoff games, one has to do a little extra research. Go beyond the facts, figures and trends and get to the real expert sources…the fans.

Since, I was completely lousy in picking the regular season on my own, I decided to interview an impassioned fan from each team to get insight on their team’s upcoming game.

“Excuse, I’ve got to take this call- Three meat lovers pizzas, two dozen cheese sticks a box glazed donuts, a gallon of Rocky Road, and two paramedics. Deliver to Fed Ex Field, Section 115, Row L, Seat 121. Thanks.
Yah, the Redskins are going to kick ass because we got momentum, team chemistry, Hall of Fame coach, the best guy named Collins playing QB today, and , oh wait, hey buddy, let me get a pretzel, nachos, hot dog, peanuts, two beers, and an aspirin.
Redskins Rules!”

“My girlfriend, I mean my ex-girlfriend, thought I was crazy to get my hair done like this, but she doesn’t, I mean didn’t, understand. This is the playoffs man and as a member of the 12th Man, I’ve got to step it up. Just like Shaun Alexander not falling down at the sight of a linebacker. My girlfriend, I mean ex-girlfriend, has no idea that doing my hair like this will obviously inspire my team to victory. Well, she’ll be sorry that she can’t be here in the freezing rain as our, I mean my, Seahawks scalp those Redskins.
Was that inappropriate to say? She would hate it if I made an offensive comment. I should call her, you know, just to apologize if I said anything offensive. And to see what’s she up to.”

Well, I’m a sucker for romance, a heartbreak wins over heart attack. I take the Seahawks –3.5 over the Redskins.

“I swear to God, if I got all painted up and shaved my head again and they lose, I am just, well I am just going to cry. Cry like a baby or a contestant kicked off the Biggest Loser. Everybody is picking us to win. Everybody loves us. Everybody can’t be wrong, right? We beat the Steelers three straight times. We just beat them this year, in Pittsburgh. They have a ton of injuries and we are pretty healthy. Seriously, I do not see how we can lose. Damn it, I can’t get this paint off without surgery.”

“Yeah, it’s a real tattoo, what do you got to say about it. I love the Steelers okay. That’s what real fans do, they love their team so much they be willing to permanently scar their bodies for them. Ya, that’s a jar of Cowher’s spittle over there, so what. I love him. Once a Steeler, always a Steeler. I’d even kiss Kordell Stewart on the mouth if I was ever allowed to get close to him again. The Steelers are gonna win because number 7 is tougher than titanium, our defense is gonna break everyone of the Jags legs, and because I said so. Is that okay with you? Yeah, that’s Mean Joe Green’s jock over there, so what of it?”

Out of these two obsessed, yet colorful (literally) fans, I am scared shitless over Steelers fan. My lack of backbone dictates I pick Pittsburgh +2 over Jacksonville.

“Hey Manning, this is fer yous and yous old man for talkin’ yous to comin’ here. I love ya! Da Giants are the greatest team in da world, but they suck okay. I mean we got no Shockey, O’Hare is hurt, Plax is banged up, and did I mention we ain’t got Shockey. And I keep thinkin’ Eli is gonna wet himself. But I love the Giants, and they gonna kick those pansy asses from Florida all over da field on Sunday. Even though they suck. God, I love the Giants, and I hate dem.”

“These are my boys. I am so proud of them. They really have taken to this football thing. It gives them so much pleasure and really keeps them occupied. I pray the Bucs win and the season continues, because when my boys don’t have football, they tend to go toward less desirable pursuits like auto theft, dealing meth, and stealing my jewelry. My sons say Tampa has a really good chance to win. Of course, they also said they had a really good chance at that McDonalds front counter job, but that didn’t quite pan out.”

Look, I feel for the mother of all Bucs fans, but the Giants are just too much fun. They get ripped when they win, they get ripped when they lose. And watching Eli sulk is some of the best comedy on TV. I’m taking the Giants +3 over the Buccaneers.

“I just love throwing things on to the field. Bottles of beer. Seat backs. Small animals. I just love it. Whether the Titans win or lose, it don’t matter as long as I get to throw something. Sometimes I just plain throw up because I had too much of the Boone’s. As fer the game, heck the Titans ain’t got a chance. That Young can’t throw worth a damn. Give me that ball and I’ll throw it. Did I mention I love throwing things? I just threw a fit at a Piggly Wiggly because they were out of jerky.”

“Woooo, go Padres! Oh, sorry, I mean Chargers. Who are they playing? Oh, it doesn’t matter. I love it when they all run around and catch the ball and the whistle blows. Woooooo! Go LT. He’s the best quarterback in the league! I was thinking about being a cheerleader but I heard it meant waking up early on Sunday. That’s not for me. But you know what is for me? The Chargers. Woooooooo! They are going all the way to the World Series, I just know it. Oh it’s halftime. I’ve got to leave to beat the traffic to the Gas Lamp District. Wooooooo! Go Appletinis!”

How do I pick from these two impassioned fans? Heck I just think nine points is too much for a playoff game, so Beer Chuckers +9 over the Appletinis.

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