Saturday, November 29, 2008

Week 13- Headlines

Burress Shoots Self in the Leg.”

At first I thought the editor got the headline wrong. He meant to say Plaxico shot himself in the foot for some stupid comment he made.


Crazy man literally shot himself in the leg. Not while hunting, but while at some nightclub. I’ve always said that doing “The Robot” was going to get someone hurt.

As outrageous as that headline is, it is nothing compared to the ones that will describe the rest of this weekend’s games.

With my picks, here are the headlines that will top line the coverage of week 13 of the NFL.

My picks are in bold.

Broncos +8 at Jets
“Cutler Does Have Stronger Arm than Favre,” says Jets DBs who Caught His Passes.

49ers at Bills -6.5
Singletary Doesn’t Wait for Halftime. Drops Pants during Anthem.”

Saints at Bucs -3.5
Doctors Reveal Saints Allergic to Real Grass.

Panthers at Packers -3
Rodgers Quits Pack to Takeover Role of Ryan on “The Office.”

Giants -3.5 at Redskins
Coughlin Smiles during Game. Head Explodes.

Miami at Rams +8
Rams Seek Counseling after Enduring Porter’s Verbal Abuse.

Ravens -7 at Bengals
Bengals Proud of 8 Yard Pass Play in 4th Quarter that Almost Got Them a First Down

Colts -5 at Browns
Crennel Falls Asleep During Fourth Quarter. No One Notices.

Falcons +5 at Chargers
Turner Calls Time Out to Discuss Coin Toss.

Steelers +1 at Patriots
Pats Linebackers Leave Game Early to Catch Senior Early Bird Special at Dennys.

Chiefs +3 at Raiders
Local Networks Sue to Have “Full House” Reruns air instead of Game.

Bears at Vikings -3
Vikes end QB woes. Direct Snap to Petersen on Every Down.

Jaguars at Texans -3.5
ESPN Cuts Away from Game for Final Round Coverage of PBA Greater Omaha Open.

Thanksgiving 0-3

Last Week 10-6
Season 91-83-4

Real Picks
Rams +8 over Dolphins
Steelers/New England Over 40
Vikings -3 over Bears

Last week 2-0
Season 21-20-3

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Real Turkeys

This year's offering of Thanksgiving NFL games might cause more people to upchuck than the thousands of undercooked turkeys served this holiday season.

These games are so bad, there is nothing I can say or write that will convince you to watch them...unless of course, your ability to pay off your car loan is dependant on the outcome.

In that case, I suggest treating these games like the dogs they are by going with the dogs in each game.

Here are my picks. I hope they act like Prilosec for the excruciating acid reflux you'll endure every time you see Culpepper sacked, TO drop a pass or McNabb throw a pick.

Lions +11 over Titans
Seahawks +12.5 over Cowboys
Cardinals +3 over Eagles

Happy Thanksgiving.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Week 12- Little Known Rules

Donovan McNabb did not know that a regular season game could end in a tie. So what? He is only getting paid millions of dollars to play the game, why should he be expected to know all the “rules.” The CEOs of the nation’s automakers, banks, insurance companies, and investment companies get paid more than McNabb and know even less about the rules of their respective sports.

Not knowing the overtime rules is a minor infraction that may only cost the Eagles a playoff spot. But there some other rules of football that most players and fan have no idea are on the books. Here are some little known rules that will be applied during this week’s games.

My picks are in bold.

Texans +3 at Browns- Turnover Mercy Rule- After Sage Rosenfels turns the ball over for the 7th time, a member of the training staff will come out and break his leg.

Bills -3 at Chiefs- Can You Hear Me Now Rule- Herm Edwards headset will be turned off for the last 2 minutes of each half so he cannot make any of his brilliant game deciding decisions.

Jets at Titans -5.5- Ron Jeremy Rule- Jeff Fisher is prohibited by NFL bylaw from ever shaving that moustache and hairdo straight out of a 1970’s porno.

Patriots +2.5 at Dolphins- The Mower Rule- To offset the infamous Snow Plow game, the Dolphins will be allowing to send an ex-con on a mower to clear a patch of grass as they line up for a game winning field goal.

49ers +11 at Cowboys – The Soft Light Rule- The NFL has directed FOX Sports to only shoot video of Jerry Jones in a soft, Barbara Walters-like, fashion. This isn’t for his vanity but for the safety of our children.

Bucs -8.5 at Lions- The Thanksgiving Day Ratings Rule- The refs have been instructed to doing everything possible to keep the Lions winless going into their Turkey Day game. A one-win team will get no ratings, but people love to watch a train wreck after enduring the train wreck that was their family gathering.

Eagles at Ravens -1- The Rulebook Rule- Instead of having the plays wrapped around his forearm, McNabb will be allow to wear a set of the NFL rulebook. Also, he’ll wear Robert’s Rules of Order so he can run his huddle in an orderly fashion.

Bears -7.5 at Rams- The French Rule- The entire Rams team will be given honorary French citizenship for exemplifying the greatest attribute of the French people - the ability to surrender.

Vikings at Jaguars -2- Interpersonal Skills Rules- Jack Del Rio and Brad Childress will conduct a halftime seminar on how to get employees to respect and like their boss.

Panthers at Falcons -1- The Prison Rule- After this year, each team will be allowed to send one of their players to prison who is crippling the team’s ability to win and crippling their salary cap.

Raiders at Broncos -9.5The Dr. Kevorkian Rule- After the Broncos beat the Raiders 50-0, Mike Shanahan will be allowed to go to the owner’s box and unplug Al Davis.

Redskins -3.5 at Seahawks- The Fan Involvement Rule- The Seahawks will be allowed to conduct a “Wide Receiver for a Day” contest in which a lucky seat number will be drawn and that fan will get to start at WR. Last game, it was 78-year-old Gladys Harrington of Tacoma who had 6 catches for 83 yards but sat out the 4th quarter with a case of gout.

Giants -3 at Cardinals- The AARP Rule- Any team whose starting QB qualifies for AARP membership (see Cardinals, Arizona) gets the senior discount at every participating Denny’s in the country.

Colts at Chargers -2.5The Commercial Rule- To help the league during this economic times, Peyton Manning will be allow to shill for sponsors from the sidelines, inside the huddle and during live play.

Packers at Saints -2.5- Tony Kornheiser Rule- (previously the Dennis Miller Rule) If you’ve never played the game, coached the game, refereed a game or been the water boy during a game, you are not allowed to provide commentary for a nationally televised game. (currently pending in Rules Committee)

Already This Week 1-0
Last Week 6-10
Season 82-74-4

Real "Don't Need No Rulebook" Picks
Patriots +2.5 over Dolphins
Giants -3 over Cardinals

Last week 2-1
Season 19-20-3

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Five Things that will happen in the Bengals/Steelers game tonight

Five Things that will happen in the Bengals/Steelers game tonight

1. Ocho Cinco nee Chad Johnson will be talked about more that the starting QB for Cincinnati, what’s his name.

2. There will be a lot of yapping and finger pointing, but no Bengal will get a clean (or even a dirty) shot on Hines Ward as he has 8 catches for 94 yards and one TD.

3. Cris Collinsworth will provide more actual informative insight in one quarter that any other analyst gives in an entire game, including overtime.

4. During the game. Ben Roethlisberger will grab in pain every joint, muscle group and extremity on his body. But he will gut it out, while the coaching staff prays to every god in heaven he does not throw another pass into coverage.

5. Pittsburgh will win 31-14 (yes that means covering the spread this time. Take that refs!)

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Week 11- Not Thinking About It

Last week, I took the Manny Ramirez approach to picking games. I didn’t give it much thought; I just went up there and swung away. And just like Manny, I hit for power and average, picking 11 out 13 right.

Also, just like Manny, I am taking the week off from giving insight commentary because:
a) I pulled a hammie. (you have to guess which one, because I'm not telling you. Namley because I don’t know which one.)
b) I am bitter about my contract, or lack thereof.
c) I got distracted by a fluttering butterfly.

Here are my picks for Week 11. After my last couple of weeks, if you are not betting my picks, you just plain despise money.

My picks are in bold.

Jets at Patriots -3.5
Broncos at Falcons -6
Raiders +10.5
at Dolphins
Ravens at Giants -6.5
Texans +8.5 at Colts
Titans at Jaguars +3
Bears at Packers -5
Eagles -9 at Bengals
Saints at Chiefs +5
Lions +14.5 at Panthers
Vikings +4 at Buccaneers
Rams +6 at 49ers
Cardinals -3 at Seahawks
Chargers at Steelers -3.5
Cowboys at Redskins +2
Browns at Bills -4.5

Last Week 11-2
Season 75-64-4

Real Picks
Patriots -3.5 over Jets
Cardinals -3 over Seahawks
Browns/Bills over 42

Last week 3-0
Season 17-19-3

Monday, November 10, 2008

Is that Kid a Free Agent?

This is being used as a training tape for the Broncos, Rams, Browns and Lions.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Week 10 Change is Coming

The week saw monumental change come to America. After what seemed like forever, a chance to lead was given to someone who most people never dreamed would have that opportunity.

Brady Quinn was finally named starter of the Cleveland Browns.

And they promptly went out and blew a fourth quarter lead. So maybe not all change is effective. In the spirit of all that is new in America’s political and football landscape, here are some “changes” that should come to the NFL.

Let the video review be done by someone in the booth. Having a ref run off the field, disappear under some hood, and look at the tape to determine a call (all while thousands of fans are screaming and he is freezing his butt off) is just blame dumb. College football has an official in the booth do it. This is the first and only time college football has done anything smarter than the NFL.

Cut out the commercial right after the kickoff after a score. Right now, after a team scores, they cut to commercial. The team kicks off, and then they cut to commercial. Seriously, we need a commercial break after a 5 second play? Even guys with prostrates the size of watermelons can last that long without going.

Remove Tony Kornheiser (other any other non-player) from doing color commentary. The play by play guy gives the call of the action. The color guy is an ex-player or ex-coach who gives first hand insight on what is happening. The off the wall observations should be left to you and the guys you are watching the game with. They end up being funnier that anybody the network could pick, and smarter.

When the temperature gets cold, cheerleaders should be kept in a warm box on the sidelines. Seriously, is anyone looking at the Bills cheerleaders during a December game? If these women went through all that hard work and surgery to get their bodies like that, the least we can do for them is not have them cover it up with a wool coat.

Coaches should have to be in full uniform just like in baseball. This is really just for comic relief because I’d love to see Andy Reid and Romeo Crennel squeeze into pads and a helmet. Actually, they would not look that much different from most D-Lineman.

Commentator should be allowed to talk about the point spread. The NFL has a hissy fit whenever the word “Vegas” is even thought by anyone in the game. But let’s face it, the only reason anyone will watch the Cardinals/49ers on Monday Night is because they are hoping to get even from a terrible Sunday of picks. I just think it should be acknowledged by the guys calling the game. When the 49ers are moving in for a last second TD to cut their deficit to 9 points, they should call it like it was Elway’s “The Drive.”

The NFL is not going to take any of these suggestions seriously. On the other hand, you should take the below picks seriously. Just don’t tell the NFL where you got this information.

My picks for Week 10 are in bold.

Jaguars -7 at Lions
Titans -3 at Bears
Bills at Patriots -3.5
Saints at Falcons -1
Rams +7.5 at Jets
Seahawks +9.5 at Dolphins
Packers +2.5 at Vikings
Panthers -8.5 at Raiders
Chiefs +15 at Chargers
Colts +3 at Steelers
Giants +3 at Eagles
Ravens PK at Texans
49ers at Cardinals -9.5

Last Week 9-5
Season 64-62-4

My Serious Picks
Chiefs +15 over Chargers
Giants +3 over Eagles
Patriots -3.5 over Bills

Last week 3-1
Season 14-19-3

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Week 9 - Motivation

During halftime of the Seahawks beating up the 49ers, San Fran coach Mike Singletary dropped his pants to illustrate his contempt toward his team and its performance. He hoped the sight of his bare buttocks would motivate his team to play better. It didn’t work.

But just like 99 cent greeting cards and gas gift cards, it is the thought that counts.

Now Singletary’s motivational attempts might have worked for a college team or high school team or the US Men’s Olympic figure skating team, but in the NFL you need something different.

Here are some other techniques coaches should employ to really get at these highly paid, low performing pros to play better:

Threaten to invite players’ wives to all road games and team events.

Show the team an un-doctored image of Jerry Jones, post facelift.

If the team doesn’t play better, force them to ride to the next away game in John Madden’s bus.

Ban player interviews with Erin Andrews.

Say if they don’t starting tackling people, you are inviting Sarah Palin to speak to the team about foreign policy.

If they don’t start blocking, you will force them to go bowling with Barack Obama.

Warn the players you will release them and get them hired doing analysis on ESPN with Emmitt Smith.

Threaten to trade them to Oakland.

And the most motivating thing you can do…threaten to take away the Madden ’08 from the locker room.

I’ve tried to employ some motivating technique on myself to get me out of my own losing streak. If it doesn’t work, I will have no other option but to drop my pants in the middle of the sports book.

My picks in bold.

Texans at Vikings -5
Jaguars at Bengals +7.5
Bucs at Chiefs +8.5
Ravens +2
at Browns
Jets at Bills -5
Cardinals -3 at Rams
Lions + 12.5 at Bears
Packers at Titans -4.5
Dolphins at Broncos -3.5
Falcons -2.5 at Raiders
Cowboys +8 at Giants
Eagles at Seahawks +6.5
Patriots +6 at Colts
Steelers +2 at Redskins

Last Week 5-7-2
Season 55-57-4

Picks I am really putting my butt on the line for:
Bills -5 over Jets
Steelers +2 over Redskins
Ravens/Browns over 36.5
Dolphins/Broncos under 50

Last week 1-2-1
Season 11-18-3