Thursday, November 29, 2007

Week 13 – Triskaidekaphobia

Triskaidekaphobia is the fear of the number 13 and I am an acute sufferer of this condition, particualry when it is applied to the 13th week of the NFL season. I am scared, so scared. Somebody hold me.

After 12 weeks of watching football, I have no idea what to expect. It’s like the boogie man is going to jump out of the closet or worse, the Broncos are going to punt to Devin Hester. I know neither makes sense and it’s all a figment of my imagination. Seriously, there is a greater change of a orge living under by bed than Denver kicking it to Hester a second time, right?

Each week of the season, I go in thinking I know what is going happen. I belive each weekend that the better team will win, smart decisions will be made by highly paid professionals, and the most profitable sports league in the U.S. can afford putting down a quality playing surface for its games. And then, BAM!, I watch the games, with the blanket pulled up just below my eyes, and spend the entire Sunday constantly on the verge of wetting myself. It’s that scary.

But I am a masochist and I go into each week thinking this will be the one that will be a pleasant, feel good, Rudy type of film and I end up ashen faced as I just experienced a Wes Craven/ Saw sequel / snuff film rolled into one.

Just last week I screamed like a little girl when I watched:

Neil Rackers ripping the heart out of every Cardinal fans as he shanked a chip shot field goal.

Herm Edwards eviscerating Chiefs fans with him brilliant decision making allowing the hated Raiders to win.

Gus Ferrotte garroting Rams fans with his bumbling fumble on the last play of the game, a mere yard from victory.

AJ Feeley giving Eagles fans and the rest of us hope that the Patriots could be beat, only to bludgeon us with an idiotic interception.

The NFL gouging the eyes of every football fan by making them watch that Monday night slop fest.

There are scarier things but for the fans of the Titans, Giants, Panthers and Jets, I will refrain from bringing them up.

So watch this week at your own peril. You know something bad is going to happen, but you don’t care. Just likes those coeds who go skinny dipping in Cyrstal Lake, you are going to get drowned by Jason and/or Eli Manning.

Speaking of scary, while last week I went 8-8, I went an otherworldly 3-0 on my star picks. For the season, I am 79-86-10 and 19-22-3. My picks are in bold and that star indicates I feel so strong about that I might watch the whole game without calling out for my mommy.

Green Bay at Dallas –7 - I am scared every time they do a close up on Jerry Jones’ face.

Atlanta at St. Louis –4 - I am scared the Falcons will NOT commit 10 boneheaded penalties.

Buffalo +5.5 at Washington - Too many emotions to even watch this game.

Detroit +3.5 at Minnesota – I am scared to bet against God’s team, even if He doesn’t have a running game.

*Houston at Tennessee –4 – I am scared every time Vince Young throws the ball.

Jacksonville +7 at Indianapolis – I am scared that all the arm waving and yelling Peyton Manning does at the line is really him putting a voodoo curse on the defense.

NY Jets at Miami –1.5 – As a Dolphins fan, I am seriously scared that if Miami doesn’t win this game, they won’t win until 2008. Maybe.

San Diego –5 at Kansas City – I am scared Norv Turner will forget again that he has LaDainian Tomlinson on his team. Maybe he should write it down or wrap a string around his finger.

Seattle +3 at Philadelphia – I am scared that Seattle will give the ball to Shaun Alexander. I am not afraid that AJ Feeley will throw 3 INTs. Remember, I am a Dolphin fan; I’ve seen that movie already.

*San Francisco at Carolina –2.5 – I am scared that Vinny Testaverde will forget to take his Geritol.

Tampa Bay +3.5 at New Orleans – I am scared that the Saints might actually find some consistency.

*Cleveland +1 at Arizona – I am scared Neil Rackers will make every kick over 50 yards, and miss every kick under 30.

Denver –3.5 at Oakland- I am scared the Broncos will still try to kick to Devin Hester, even if he is playing in Chicago.

NY Giants –1.5 at Chicago- I am scared whenever I see that “How come you stole my crayons?” look in Eli Manning’s eyes. Which means, I am scared every time I watch him play.

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh –7 – I am scared that is might rain in Pittsburgh again. By the way, there is a 40% chance of this happening.

New England –20.5 at Baltimore – I am scared that Bill Belichick one day will pull the hood on his sweatshirt over his head and turn into Darth Sidious. Tom, don’t succumb to the dark side!

Black Friday Rap

Hilarious new song.
If this doesn't make you want to go shopping, then, well, you are a normal guy.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Week 12- Black Sunday

Click here to listen to an audio podcast of this posting

The day after Thanksgiving is commonly referred to as Black Friday since retailers hope to be in the black after a rush of holiday spending and because that is color of your heart as you cut in front of the person waiting for that last parking space.

Looking at the football schedule for this weekend, Sunday should also be referred to as "Black Sunday." Not a single game will have two teams with a winning record. Not a single one. And the Monday night game features a winless Dolphin team going to slaugher at Pittsburgh. ESPN seriously must want to renegotiate its NFL contract. While Monday night games this year have been horrific, at least this week ESPN won’t feel singled out since all the games will be terrible.

But this is the NFL which for fans stands for - Never Faltering Love-affair. No matter how ugly she looks, no matter how bad she treats us, no matter how much she costs us (and judging from my picks this year, she has cost me two years’ worth of rent and car payments), we come home to her every weekend and beg her to never leave us.

We watch her games. We buy her merchandise. We ignore that fact she is pumped with enough chemicals to fill a Dupont warehouse.

Let’s face it, we are in a co-dependent relationship with the National Football League. I would suggest getting professional therapy, but we can’t afford it because we just blew the last of our cash on getting Dish TV so we can watch the NFL Network.

Below are my predications for this weekend. If you find the idea of watching these games too disturbing, just catch the highlights that night. The whole weekend’s worth of highlights should only run only 45 seconds.

Last week I went 6-8-2 and 2-2 on my star picks. For Thanksgiving I went 2-1 so overall I am 73-79-10 and 16-22-3. My picks are in bold and that star indicates I feel so strong about this pick that if I am wrong I will take the NFL out for a steak and lobster dinner and expect nothing but a kiss on the cheek at the end of the night.

Not only do you get my picks this week, you get a juvenile “this game is so ugly” joke to go with it. You’re welcome.

*Houston at Cleveland –3- This game is so ugly, it’s only watchable over the radio.

*Seattle –3 at St. Louis- This game is so ugly, not just the fans, but the players, coaches and referees will wear brown bags over their heads.

*Washington at Tampa Bay –3 - This game is so ugly, you’ll want to shower after watching it.

Denver +2.5 at Chicago - This game is so ugly, you’ll wish Jake Plummer would return.

Tennessee -1 at Cincinnati – This game is so ugly, the field will be treated with manure to help ease the smell.

Buffalo +7.5 at Jacksonville - This game is so ugly, blind fans don’t want to watch it.

Oakland +5.5 at Kansas City - This game is so ugly, the players in it will want their money back.

Minnesota +7.5 at NY Giants- This game is so ugly, it makes New Jersey look pretty.

New Orleans at Carolina + 3- This game is so ugly, cats will try to bury it.

San Francisco +10.5 at Arizona – This game is so ugly, tailgaters will stay in the parking lot throughout the game.

Baltimore +9.5 at San Diego - This game is so ugly, even the players’ kids won’t watch it.

Philadelphia at New England –23.5 - This game is so ugly, you’d rather have a post-game handshake with Bill Belichick than watch it.

Miami at Pittsburgh –15.5 – This game is so ugly, it can only be shown on cable.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Thanksgiving- Honoring the Holiday through Football

As any good American student will tell, the story of the first Thanksgiving is about pilgrims and Indians gathering together to enjoy their harvest, skin a pig, tied up said skin in an balloon-like oval shape, inflate it with air, and proceed to toss it about back and forth.

That magical first Thanksgiving afternoon would come to an abrupt halt when it was discovered that the pilgrims were using a spy hidden in a tree to read the lips of the Indians’ defensive coordinator as he called in sign to the team. Those pilgrims are the forefathers of what would later be know as “New England Patriots.”

History tells us football has always been a part of this holiday. So when your wife or mother or therapist complains that about you spending 11 hours in front of the TV set watching games on Thursday, you stand up and shout the following:

“How dare you try to stop me from honoring our forefathers!

I don’t watch football because I want to, I do it because I have to.

I do it to honor those brave pilgrims who died crossing the ocean on the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria.

I do it to honor the hard work and sacrifice they made to build a land where free men and women can enjoy the pursuits of liberty, justice and the United Way.

I cheer for touchdowns, first downs, and 4th down conversions, so I don’t forget that Thanksgiving Day is a day of infamy,
that we have nothing to fear but fear itself,
that I ask not what my country can do for me but what my country can do for me and you, and, finally, for Mr. Gorbachev to tear down this wall!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some honoring to do. Could you grab me a beer?”

Then sit right back down before the commercial break is over.

Another way to honor football, is too combine it with your favorite alcoholic beverage and make a drinking game out of it. Check out the web site The Bachelor Guy for The Bachelor Guy’s Official Thanksgiving Football drinking game.

So in honor of those brave pilgrims such as Daniel Boone, Lewis and Clark, and Amelia Earhart, here is a preview of the games on Thanksgiving Day. My fearless picks at in bold.

Green Bay –3 at Detroit- To think Favre almost retired, nearly denying us a whole litany of “Brett Favre is playing like a 20 year old” stories.

Side note: This has got to be a terrible two-year run for Dan Marino. He has witnessed almost all his records broken by Favre, Manning, and soon Brady, and to top things off he has to share a stage with Shannon Sharpe who probably dangles his three Super Bowl rings in front of him before every show. I hope those residuals from “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective” ease his pain.

NY Jets at Dallas –14 – The big news this week was the revelation that during halftime at Giants Stadium, Jets fans heckle and goad women into showing their bare breasts. These requests came to a sudden halt when female Jets fans began obliging them.

Indianapolis at Atlanta +11.5 – Peyton Manning is in a real funk. He threw 6 INTs two weeks ago, could only muster 13 points against a terrible Chiefs defense last week, and during that game, I saw three straight commercials air without Peyton in any of them. Looks like we are days away from the Jim Sorgi era in Indianapolis.
(Jim Sorgi is the back-up for Peyton Manning. Yeah, I know what you are thinking. I didn’t even know he had a back-up.)

Happy Thanksgiving!

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Thursday, November 15, 2007

Week 11 – Smoke’m if you got them, Ricky Williams is Back

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Guess who’s coming to dinner with the Miami Dolphins? It’s Ricky Williams, and they better have plenty to eat because he has a mean case of the munchies.

Everyone’s favorite social anxiety sufferer / running back has been cleared to play again in the NFL. The league that so callously turned its back on a man who clearly is in need of hemp, ummm I mean help, has come to its senses and readmitted Mr. Williams back into the league.

Bravo Roger Goodell. It takes a courageous man to admit a fault. Your initial decision to expel him for the minor transgression of taking drugs that are illegal under the laws of the United States and her territories was clearly an overreaction. What’s next, kicking out players involved in a strip club shooting resulting in the paralyses of an innocent man? Don’t tell me you’ll expel a player involved in financing and organizing underground dog fighting? See what I mean? It’s a slippery slope isn’t. Kick out one player for breaking the law and where does it stop.

Let’s not just let Ricky back into the game. I think there are plenty of others that should be brought back to sports.

OJ Simpson – bring him back as a coach. If he can motivate perfect strangers to commit armed robbery and kidnapping for him, imagine what he can do with his new hometown Dolphins. “Play hard or I’ll kill you,” will have a whole new meaning.

Pete Rose- as a manager or player, he never bet AGAINST the Reds, unless of course his starting pitcher was a real dog, then who could blame him.

Jose Canseco –sure he’ll probably get knifed in the locker room showers for being a rat, but who wouldn’t pay to see another popup bounce off his head and over the fence for a homerun. Priceless.

Rae Carruth –he is spending 19-24 years for conspiracy to commit murder, but he has good hands, the Panthers could use another offensive threat, and what DB would want to tackle him. That crazy mo-fo had the mother of his son killed, what do you think he’d do to a guy who horse-collar tackled him!

Mike Tyson – without him, the sport of boxing has become a cure for insomnia. Boxing has been overtaken by a sport which consists of a bunch of oversized men wearing short underwear and rolling around on the floor together. I can see that for free any night in West Hollywood.

(Serious suck-up note- the fighters of UFC are incredibly talented and tough individuals and I have the utmost respect for each and everyone of them, so please don’t kick my ass.)

Last week, I went 6-7-1 and 1-3-1 on my star picks. Overall I am 65-70-8 and 14-20-3. My picks are in bold and that star indicates I feel so strong about this I’d let Pacman Jones take me on a midnight run to Pure Platinum if I am wrong.

Every week of the season, commentators and sports writers love to put a label on a game. “Revenge Game,” “Bounce Back Game, “Trap Game,” etc. Well, who am I to think I am better than the people at ESPN, Fox Sports or the NFL Network. This week, I will title each game so you will know the theme of that game. This will help you follow along, much like Cliff Notes or the annoying old lady sitting behind you at the movies who has to repeat everything for her deaf husband.

*San Diego at Jacksonville –2.5 The “Thank God We’re Home, When Do We Leave Again?” Game. Jacksonville had to play their last three games on the road. That can’t be easy. I mean it can’t be easy to have to come back to Jacksonville after seeing the real world.

*Kansas City +14.5 at Indianapolis – The “American Red Cross” Game. With the amount of injuries both these teams have suffered, the Red Cross will be set up on the sidelines for its mass causality training exercise.

Oakland +5 at Minnesota - The “Petty Revenge” Game- Part Deux. First the Dolphins, now the Vikings will feel the wrath on the healed Culpepper. His powers only work against his formers teams, against everyone else he still stinks, which I guess is why the Vikes and Fins are his former teams.

Cleveland at Baltimore +3 –The “Circle the Wagons, Ray Lewis has a Knife” Game. This is the highest level of must win urgency because if the Ravens don’t win, someone will get cut. And I don’t mean released.

Pittsburgh –9.5 at NY Jets – The “Be Gentle with Me” Game. This game could get so out of hand that the welfare authorities might have to step in and take the Jets away in protective custody.

Tampa Bay at Atlanta +3 – The “Don’t Screw Up a Good Thing” Game. Atlanta might sit Joey Harrington who has lead them to two straight wins. A brilliant move on par with invading Russia in the winter and telling that one night stand where you work.

*Arizona at Cincinnati –3 – The “I Really Thought We’d Be Better Than This” Game. Both teams had high hopes for the post season this year. Well actually the Cardinals had those hopes, the Bengals just hoped they could post bail.

Miami at Philadelphia –10 – The “Deer in the Headlights” Game. Poor John Beck. His first NFL game against a team that blitzes on every down. Cam Cameron must really hate this guy.

New England –16 at Buffalo – The “Bring Extra Light Bulbs for the Scoreboard” Game. New England has had a whole week off so they can put in more offensive plays utilizing defensive players. I bet we see a play with the entire secondary in the backfield to run the option.

Washington +10.5 at Dallas – The “Shouldn’t This be Played on Thanksgiving” Game. This a classic match-up of old rivals that deserves to played when we have nothing else watch. Instead, we get the Cowboys playing the stinkin’ Jets on turkey day. Granted, I will watch it anyway, but it’s the principle of the thing.

*New Orleans +1 at Houston – The “What Could Have Been” Game. Houston suffered this last year when Vince Young beat them. Now it Reggie Bush’s turn to remind them how bad they blew the 2006 draft.

Carolina at Green Bay –9.5 – The “AARP” Game. If Testaverde starts, this match up will have the highest combined age of two starting QBs since 1970. Rue McClanahan, Betty White and Bea Arthur are hired as guest cheerleaders for the game. (Yeah, try getting that visual out of your head.)

NY Giants at Detroit +2.5 – The “Damn We Were Almost Good” Game. Whichever team loses this game will have to look in the mirror and repeat “I’m not good enough, I’m not smart enough, and gosh darn it, people do not like me.”

St Louis at San Francisco +3 – The “Only Reason I am Watching This is Because I Have Money on It” Game. The NFL wants nothing to do with Las Vegas or gambling, but if it wasn’t for both, this game would get beat in the ratings by ice hockey.

Chicago at Seattle –5 – The “Oh God, He’s Back” Game. Rex Grossman returns and I can already hear the people who bet the Bears ripping up their betting slips.

Tennessee +2 at Denver – The “Let’s Save Electricity” Game. The opposite of the New England game. The stadium will unplug the scoreboard to save power and because, seriously, who expects there to be any scoring in this game.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Week 10 - Asterisks

Click here to listen to an audio version of the entry.

Asterisk (definition from dictionary): a small star-like symbol (*), used in writing and printing as a reference mark or to indicate omission, doubtful matter, etc.

If 2007 is known for anything, it will be known as the year of the asterisk. From Barry Bonds’ enlarged head to a corrupt ref calling the Spurs - Suns pivotal game 5 to the Patriots moonlighting as freelance filmmakers, many of this year’s achievements in sports are being looked at with a lazy eye.

It has really called into question my devotion and love for sports. If all that is great in the game is accomplished under false pretense, then what am I to believe? Sports fans embrace the touchdown, the home run, the breakaway goal for the apparent greatness we are witnessing and because we believe in the integrity of the achievement. We get lied to plenty every the store..on TV…in the bedroom. Look, I understand my “achievement” during moments of intimacy has a 50/50 chance of being misleading or chemically enhanced. But the climax I reach upon a team winning a championship should not have to be au natural.

I wish I had Doc Brown’s DeLorean that could take me back to the good old days of sports, when I knew everything was done the right way and on the up and up.

Take me back to…

A time when heroes like Mays and Mantle hit their home runs using only good old fashioned hard work and amphetamines.

To 1996, when the great Yankees won their first series in 18 years with a plucky young shortstop and an even pluckier young kid in the right field stands pulling fly balls in for home runs.

To 1951, when the NY Giants refused to quit and made that miracle comeback against the Dodgers using timely hitting, clutch pitching and astute signal stealing from a spy in centerfield.

When biting, gouging eyes, and grabbing testicles in a pile during a football game was called being tough and not flagged for a 15-yard unsportsmanlike conduct.

Oh, those were the days.

So when a team or player does accomplish something under dubious manner, we speak about putting the dreaded star-like scarlet letter next to their name. I believe athletes hate the asterisk above all else, more than any fine or suspension or court order paternity payments. That is the reason why I believe in using it. It might be the only stick we non-athletically inclined people have in keeping our misguided heroes in place. It might make them think twice about visiting that dentist prescribing them HGH for an overbite.

The record books and hall of fame and spineless sportswriters might be afraid of affixing the mighty asterisk, but Don Shula and I are not. So I hereby declare that the entire year of 2007 receive the unsightly asterisk tattoo placed right on the small of her back, so everytime she bends over, the whole world, whether they want to or not, can see it.

And I am not doing this as a bitter fan whose every favorite team has failed miserably this year, nor as a poor gambling loser whose picks have been putrid this year. I do this for the integrity of sport, for an example for future generations of fans, and because, dammit, there is no way the Dolphins can be this bad without someone cheating.

Last week I went 6-8 and 2-2 on my asterisk picks. Overall I am 59-63-7 and 13-17-2. My picks are in bold and that funny star indicates I feel so strong about this pick I already have an accusation of cheating prepared in case I get it wrong.

Jacksonville +3.5 at Tennessee - I took the Jag plus the 3.5 on the road last week and got creamed. So what do I do, the exact same thing. My head is thicker that the Great Wall of China

Denver at Kansas City –4.5 – The Broncos get blown out. The Rockies get swept. Seven people are shot in the LoDo district. If you think black holes are just theoretical, visit Denver.

*Buffalo –3 at Miami – I circled this match-up at the beginning of the year as a battle for last place in the AFC East. Well, Buffalo, Miami lived up to their end of the bargain.

Cleveland +9 at Pittsburgh – If the Browns win, they will be tied for first place. Nothing funny here, just thought it should be noted the Browns are playing for first place and not the first pick in the draft.

St. Louis +12 and New Orleans – It is insulting to be a more than 10-point underdog to any team in pro football not called New England.

*Atlanta at Carolina –4.5 – Because of Vinnie’s resurgence, Stallone is thinking about doing Rocky XII. All means must be used to stop Testeverde before this project get greenlit.

*Philadelphia at Washington –3 – My prediction of the Eagles going to the Super Bowl looks so stupid now, my high school called to ask for my diploma back and the local library suspended by borrowing privileges.

Minnesota +6.5 at Green Bay – The Vikings literally have no QB. And this would usually be bad but in this case it will actually help them because now they have no excuse not to just snap the ball directly to Adrian Petersen.

(P.S. Raise you hand if you got all excited because your fantasy football team had Adrian Petersen on it, until you realized it was the one from Chicago. They should have the same rules as SAG and make players change their name or add at least add a middle initial to help us ill-informed fans out.)

Cincinnati +6.5 at Baltimore – I loved Ray Lewis crowing about the fact they held Pittsburgh to only 3 points in the second half on Monday night. It takes a tough guy to do an interview with a concussion.

Chicago at Oakland +3.5 – This is an example of a screw you pick. I know the Bears are better and it is just plain silly to pick the Raiders, but the Bears have cost me so much this year, I am picking against them out of petty spite, and that’s the best kind of spite there is.

*Dallas PK at NY Giants –The G-Men are on a roll. The last 4 teams they have beat have a combined record of 5-28. I didn’t think it was possible to score that easily without visiting the Chicken Ranch with a fist full of fifties.

*Detroit +1 at Arizona – Detroit, by way of Kitna, has God on their side. Arizona plays in the land of the Sun Devil. Something’s got to give. While the Devil is strong against the run, God has a wickedly deceptive play action pass and has the arm to go deep. I like God over the Devil in this game because of a no time on the clock, game ending smiting.

Indianapolis at San Diego +3.5 – Not sure how the Colts can come down from playing in the game of the century to playing in merely the game of the week. Also, after getting literally rolled over last week by the Vikings, Charger defenders are being treated for Porphyrophobia ( fear of the color purple).

San Francisco +10 at Seattle – this game is going to be so bad, I hear ESPN is moving it to ESPNU and instead will be airing the Division III Women’s College Basketball Preview show.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Week 9- The Super Bowl of the Regular Season

Sunday, November 4. 4:15pm Eastern, 1:15pm Pacific. On CBS. What else could you possibly want to watch? Simply put, it is THE match-up of the year. Three words say it all.

Sage Rosenfels vs. Dante Culpepper.
Kris Brown vs. Sebastian Janikowski.

A guaranteed epic battle sure to captivate all those who love the game of football. And I mean football in the European sense since the only scoring will be by kicking. The final score will end up 9-6 where the last team with the ball with throw a game-ending interception (or in the case of Culpepper, a game ending fumble.) I bet the people in Houston and Oakland are just giddy over the fact they get coverage of this game, while the rest of the CBS affiliates in the country have to endure the Patriots vs. Colts. I’m inclined to take a road trip to Oakland just so I can see the game, but I still need to get an security system for my car.

This game got me thinking of other match-ups I would love to see, and not just in the world of sports. Here’s my list of battles I would pay money to watch. Not a lot of money mind you, but, you know, twenty or twenty-five dollars, something like that.

Bill Clinton vs. Ronald Reagan – both could charm the pants off you…and in Clinton’s case, he did.

Homer Simpson vs. Peter Griffin- settle the score once and for all on who is the best poorly drawn animated character on television today.

Michael Scott vs. David Brent- in the showdown of insufferable, self-centered managers, I would bet on the good old-fashioned American boss every time.

Dame Judi Dench vs. Dame Helen Mirren – raise your hand if you are like me and just can’t get enough of catfights between 60+ year old British stage actresses. They even bleed with a regal British accent.

Michael Vick vs. a pit bull – No nooses. No buckets of water. No guns. Mano y canine. (wagering allowed)

Norway vs. Sweden vs. Denmark- look, you are all pretty much the same. Just have a battle royale and the last country standing gets naming rights for the whole Scandinavian peninsula. (written by a true American)

Stephen Hawking vs. Frank Wilczek- Love to see a fist fight between these two giants of theoretical physics. Sure Wilczek has the Novel Prize and use of his arms and legs, but Hawking gets the ladies and that wheelchair can puncture skin.

Now on to the football games. There are 13 other games besides the big game between Houston and Oakland. While you are probably not interested in any of them, I took the time to tell you what will happen at these games so you can concentrate all your efforts on the Texans and Raiders. You can thank me later.

Last week I went 7-6 and 2-2 on my star picks. Overall I am 53-55-7 and 11-15-2 on my star picks. My picks are in bold and the star indicates I feel so strong about this pick I am going to take it out for dinner and a movie.

*Washington -4 at NY Jets – Kellen Clemens stakes the Jets to an early 7-0 lead. The crowd thinks he’s the second coming of Joe Namath. In the second half, he’ll throw 3 picks and the crowd thinks he is the second coming of Brooks Bollinger.

Green Bay at Kansas City –2.5 - in the final two minutes of the game, the Chiefs will accidentally on purpose cut off Herm Edwards headset so he can’t mismanage the clock.

Arizona +3.5 at Tampa Bay – Tampa will dominate most of this game until the last five minutes when Warner just chucks the ball around against a prevent defense and the Cardinals pull a last second cover. Buccaneer bettors will have their shoelaces and belts confiscated and be on suicide watch.

*Carolina +4.5 at Tennessee – after falling behind with David Carr at QB, the Panthers force Testaverde to play, using one of the offense linemen to prop him up so he can throw.

San Francisco at Atlanta –3 – this game will be so ugly, that Tyra Banks will come out at halftime to have a stylist do a complete makeover of both teams. The crowd will gasp at how beautiful the teams look, but leave early when they realize they still play awful.

Jacksonville +3.5 at New Orleans – Quinn Gray’s performance will make Jaguars fans forget David Garrard who made then forget Byron Leftwich who made them forget Mark Brunell. Gee, I think Jacksonville fans have Alzheimer’s.

*Denver and Detroit –3 - God will be sitting in the owners box cheering his Lions on to victory. How’s that for an advantage.

*Cincinnati at Buffalo –1 – Good news for the Bengals, the Bills starting QB is out. Bad news for the Bengals, their defense can make any QB look like a Hall of Famer.

San Diego –7.5 at Minnesota – The Vikings will be holding a special contest where one lucky fan will get to quarterback the team in the 3rd quarter.

Seattle +1 at Cleveland – the Browns will take a lead into halftime, remember in the locker room “Hey, we are the Browns! There is no way we can win three games in a row,” and then return to the field and completely fall apart in the second half.

New England at Indianapolis +5.5 –There will be a 30-minute delay in the fourth quarter when the scoreboard short circuits from overuse. Note to remember: Miami’s offense, with no QB, no running back and no wide receivers scored 21 points against New England.

Houston at Oakland –3 – The McAfee Coliseum will be playing the Pats/Colts game on the jumbo-tron. The players are going to agree to decide the game with the opening coin toss so they dispense with playing and enjoy watching the game.

Dallas -3 at Philadelphia – With the ink still wet on his huge new contract, Romo goes out and throws four picks in the first half, but still has that silly grin on his face, because, hey “I’m rich and just got a lap dance from Britney Spears!”

Baltimore and Pittsburgh –9 – The real news out of this game will be the post game surgery required for Brian Billick to have his play calling sheet removed from his derriere after Ray Lewis sticks it there.

Cheerleader Gets Run Over By Football Team

The greatest "cheerleader getting crushed clip" ever! I dare you to watch it only once