Saturday, September 27, 2008

Win some, lose a lot

This video sums up how I felt last Sunday.

The Dolphins pulled their biggest win of the decade, I celebrate by spiking by football picks and it nails me sqaure in the....well you get the idea.

But you know something, if it would guarantee Dolphin wins for the rest of the year, I'd gladly take the shots. After last year, I have no humility left.

Here are my picks for Week 4. Sorry for the lack of commentary, but since the US government sunk its bailout hopes on my picks last week, I've been on the run avoiding a certain 300 million Americans.

My picks are in bold.

Broncos at Chiefs +9

Browns +3.5 at Bengals

Texans +7.5 at Jaguars

Cardinals at Jets Pick

49ers at Saints -6

Falcons +7 at Panthers

Vikings +3 at Titans

Packers +1.5 at Buccaneers

Bills at Rams +8

Chargers -7.5 at Raiders

Redskins +11.5 at Cowboys

Eagles -3 at Bears

Ravens at Steelers -7

Last Week 7-9

Season 24-22-1

Picks I am really going to sink my last dollars into

Packers +1.5 at Buccaneers
Cardinals at Jets Pick
Eagles -3 at Bears

Last Week 2-3
Season 7-4-1

Friday, September 19, 2008

Week 3- This One is for Uncle Sam

Just go off the phone with Treasury Secretary Paulson. I convinced him to convert these risky investments the federal government just bought into and convert them all to a safe, secure long term investment.

You guessed it. He agreed to put the entire future of the US banking industry on my picks this week. So if you go against these picks, you are a pinko communist!

Actually, if you are for these picks you are also a pinko communist since you are supporting the government’s intrusive involvement in the “free market economy.”

It’s a weird day when Russia is less socialist than we are.

So you can follow how your tax dollars are being invested, here are my picks for week 3. My picks are in bold.

Chiefs at Falcons -5
How bad is Damon Huard for him to be benched in favor of a guy with a skeleton fetish.

Raiders at Bills -9
Hey Canada, you are going to get a hell of a team for your first NFL franchise.

Buccaneers at Bears -3
Kyle Orton is the greatest mediocre QB since Doug Flutie.

Panthers +3.5 at Vikings
When you are counting on Gus “I broke my own neck” Ferrote to make smart decisions with the ball, you might be picking early in the next draft.

Dolphins +12.5 at Patriots
Damn you Matt Cassel! Stop playing well so we can see the return of Vinny Testeverde.

Bengals +13 at Giants
Here's a good idea, free of charge, for the Giants. I think they should get on a plane, circle around the state and land in New York to make their home games feel like road games.

Texans at Titans -5
You can forgive the Texans if football has not been exactly on the top of their minds lately

Cardinals at Redskins -3
Hint to the defensive backs, if you see Anquan Boldin or Santana Moss running down the field, trip them!

Lions +4 at 49ers
This is the game casinos will only run inside the Keno parlor.

Rams +9.5 at Seahawks
I wish to apologize to all Seattle fans for picking the Seahawks to go to the Super Bowl. You’d think I did enough damage to your city when I picked the Mariners to go to the World Series.

Saints at Broncos -5
Ed Hochuli just got elected to the Colorado Supreme Court.

Steelers at Eagles -3.5
Big Ben played week 1 with a dislocated shoulder. Or maybe it was just sprained. Or maybe there was nothing wrong at all. Good thing Dr. Foreman from “House” is on the case.

Jaguars +5.5 at Colts
With the depleted offensive lines and immobile QBs for each team, Mrs. Gerard and Mrs. Manning might want to avert their eyes.

Browns +2 at Ravens
Romeo Crennel has already decided he is kicking a field goal as soon as the Browns get in range, even if it’s first down.

Cowboys at Packers +3
If Rodgers wins this game, the Packers can go ahead and officially retire Favre’s jersey.

Jets +9 at Chargers
If the Chargers lose this game, they can officially retire Ed Hochuli.

Last week 7-7-1
Season 17-13-1

My real “seriously I’m going to bet” Picks
Buccaneers/Bears over 35.5
Redskins -3 over Cardinals
Bears -3 over Buccaneers
Rams +9.5 over Seahawks
Lions +4 over 49ers

Last Week 2-0-1

Season 5-1-1

A Bizarre Week 2

The last week has brought us some strange things in the NFL, even more bizarre than usual.

Peyton Manning, hoping around like Verbal Kint (and playing like him too) leads the Colt to 18 straight points to pull out a win.

68 year old former bag boy Kurt Warner tearing up the Dolphins and leading his team to 2-0. I guess it was a good idea for him not to do beer bongs during the off season. Who knew?

Lane Kiffin pissing off Al Davis by WINNING, thus forcing him to have to wait until after they lose to the Bills this week to fire him. And he had already called IT to erase Kiffin’s email.

Matt Cassel ripping apart the Jets with his 10 yard passing attack. I know this is a crazy thought, but just maybe the Jets could have adjusted for that. I mean if are going to have all those coaches, and headsets and hidden video cameras, perhaps it would be a good idea to utilize them to make adjustments.

Ed Hochuli makes a mistake and blows a play dead as an incomplete pass when it was clearly a fumble. What was crazy is that he felt so bad about it, he decided to place the ball back to the 10 yard line, thus “penalizing” the Broncos. This is the kind of made up rules we use to create for street pick-up games along with the invisible center and “Hitting my mom’s car is out of bounds!”

Romeo Crennel deciding to go for a field goal with 6 minutes left and down by seven. That’s not weird since he did that same thing the week prior when down by 21. What’s mind boggling is Madden agreeing with the decision, saying he would have done the same thing.
“You if you get the 3 points, then you need just a touchdown, but if you go for the Touchdown and miss it, then you need a touchdown AND AN EXTRA POINT.” I think Madden needs to go to Ace Hardware to tighten that loose screw.

However that was not the dumbest thing spoken by an announcer this weekend. That award goes to Michael Irvin. Surprise! He was doing radio for Monday Night Football and the Eagles were taking timeouts near the end of the game as the Cowboys had the ball and the lead. Irvin’s insight- “The Eagles are taking timeouts so that if the Cowboys score again, they’ll have time to come back. Really Michael? Really? I thought I heard Marv Albert trip over his chaps when he heard than one.

Maybe, just maybe, the Eagles were taking timeouts in the hope they would stop the Cowboys from scoring and get the ball back down only 4 points. Being down by 11 but having a full 2 minutes to play may not exactly be what Andy Reid and the boys were thinking. But, hey you played the game so you must know.

But the winner of the dumbest thing said this week goes to multiple award winner Joey Porter. He called out Matt Cassel and predicted a Dolphins victory over the Patriots.

Just a reminder:
The Dolphins have won exactly one of their last 21 games.
The Patriots have won 21 consecutive regular season games

This is not even a case of a player writing a check his team can’t cash; he’s trying to write a check with no ink in the pen.

Note- For whatever it is worth, the last time the Pats lost a regular season game was against the Dolphins.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

DeSean Jackson - Fantasy Football Killer

That plaintive wail you hear is from all the fantasy owners who had Donovan McNabb lost their game by less than 6 points.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Week 2- As the Old Saying Goes...

This week, debate over the use of a quirky proverb supplanted our national discourse on the most important issues of the day, like will Tom Brady’s modeling career be affected by his torn ACL.

We all know you can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still going to lose in heartbreaking fashion to the stinkin’ New York Jets.

But there are some other proverbs you might not be aware of when it comes to NFL games. So this week, along with these can’t miss picks, I’ll give an appropriate, uniquely American, proverb that best fits the game.

My picks are in bold.

Raiders at Chiefs -3.5
Don't blame the cow when the milk gets sour.
Lane Kiffin essentially blamed the Raiders’ pathetic performance on the defensive coordinator and the owner because in an Al Davis lead team, the head coach is the least responsible person.

Giants at Rams +9
What you can learn by boxing with a left-hander costs more than it's worth.
The Rams will learn a lot about themselves this week coming off a disastrous performance. Unfortunately, none of what they learn will help them play football.

Colts -2 at Vikings
Always drink pure water.
Or in the case of (former) Colts DE Ed Johnson, always smoke the pure tobacco.

Titans +1 at Bengals
The rooster makes more racket than the hen that laid the egg.
Chad Ocho Cinco nee Johnson sure does make a lot of noise …and sure does drop a lot of balls.

Saints PK at Redskins
If you buy a rainbow, don't pay cash for it.
Daniel Snyder needs to start using a credit card when hiring new coaches so he can dispute the charges when he has to let them go after one season.

Packers -3 at Lions
Don't trade off a coonskin before you catch the coon.
It still boggles the mind that the Packers were so willing to let go of a Hall of Fame, Pro Bowl QB for a guy who had started as many NFL games as Joe Flacco, Matt Ryan and Matt Cassel. It would be like electing a Vice President who has never met a foreign leader. That explains why Ted Thompson headed up McCain’s VP vetting.

Bears and Panthers -3
Someone who pets a live catfish isn't crowded with brains.
Someone who goes into the NFL Season with Orton and Grossman as its two QBs isn’t crowded with brains.

Bills +6 and Jaguars
A hole in your britches lets in a heap of uneasiness.
The Jags’ decimated offensive line is going to make for a very uneasy season for David Gerard and for the team’s medical staff.

49ers and Seahawks -7
The mule doesn't pull so well with a mortgage on his back.
Paying your two backups QBs over $8 million and have the cheapest player on the roster start is money management that’ll get you to run Lehman Brothers.

Falcons +7 at Buccaneers
Never trust a man too far who stays mad through Christmas week.
I also say don’t trust a man that starts Brian Griese at quarterback.

Patriots +2.5 at Jets
A bull without horns can still do some right sharp pushing.
Just because they lost the QB who had the greatest season ever, do not count out the Pats. They still have of plenty talent…and videotapes.

Dolphins at Cardinals -7
It doesn't take a prophet to predict bad luck.
I don’t think I will be confused with Nostradamus when I say the Dolphins will be terrible…or that the Cardinals will look like a playoff team this week and still not make the playoffs.

Ravens at Texans -4.5
Folks on the rich bottomland stop bragging when the river rises.
Here’s hoping that the people of Houston can worry more about their football team than their homes.

Chargers at Broncos +2
A sharp axe is better than big muscle.
What do lumberjacks and Bronco offensive linemen have in common? They both chop for a living.

Steelers -6 at Browns
Trying to understand some folks is like guessing at the direction of a rat hole underground.
If you can explain why Romeo Crennel kicked a field goal when his team was down three touchdowns in the 4th quarter, MIT will give you a doctorate in quantum physics.

Eagles at Cowboys -6.5
Watch out when you're getting all you want. Fattened hogs ain't in luck.
Jerry Jones and the Cowboys are getting all they want. New Stadium. Super star players. Reality TV Shows. Bleached blond celebrity cheerleaders. The only thing they won’t get…a playoff win.

Last week record 10-6
Season record 10-6

My real “seriously I’m going to bet” Picks
Bears/Panthers Over 37
Patriots +2.5 over Jets
Texans -4.5 over Ravens
Bills +6 over Jaguars

Last week 3-1
Season 3-1

Thursday, September 11, 2008

The NFL's Rodney Dangerfield

Every season, the team that wins the title will spout off that they were given no respect. This is usually some trumped up, self motivational tactic to get them to play hard, as opposed playing hard for the millions of dollars they are getting paid.

With the exception of last year's Giants (who still get no respect), this is a bunch of bull. I would love to see a team lose and say "Gee, no one was giving us any respect and I guess they were right."

But there is one player in the NFL who absolutely deserves to say he gets no respect- Jeff_Garcia.

This week, Buc's coach Jon Gruden made up a ankle injury for Garcia so he could bench him and start Brian Griese. Garcia has one bad game (a game his team could have won) after leading them to the playoffs last year yet he gets yanked. I never thought I'd have any sympathy for a millionaire, but I am starting to feel sorry for him, especially since I have been guilty of showing him no respect too.

Look at what has happened to him:

Undrafted in college, he is forced to play in the CFL. Playing football in Canada is like playing baseball in Miami. If no one is watching you play are you really playing?

Gets a shot to play for the Niners. Has Pro Bowl seasons. Leads them to the playoffs. Gets ripped by his best wide receiver (although he made him a Pro Bowl player too) and then eventually gets dumped after one bad year.

Said wide receiver along with a host of others question his sexuality. This despite the fact he married one of the sexiest women in the world.

Has to endure stops in Detroit and Cleveland and judged as a washed up QB, even though those teams have collectively been to a total of zero Super Bowls.

Goes to the Eagles, takes over for an injured McNabb and leads them to 5 straight wins and the division crown along with a playoff win. Then he is not offered a contract in favor of AJ Feeley.

Goes to the Bucs. In his first season, leads them to the playoffs, then gets benched for Brian Griese. Brian friggin Griese who could not beat out Rex Grossman!

Of course he still goes home every night to Carmella DeCesare and he probably can afford his mortgage...

oh screw you Garcia, I'm going back to feeling sorry for myself.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Real Predictions for NFL Season

If you are going to have credibility in the sports world, you have to make outrageous predictions before the season starts on what will happen. In order to get my official “guy with a blog who knows nothing” membership card, I am required to make such predictions.

Here are my “dead solid lock” - “take it to the bank” – “if I’m lying, I’m dying” things that will definitely happen this season. And by definitely, I mean pretty sure.

Chad Johnson will change his name to “Eight Five” in every language known to man. He will be committed to a mental institution when he tries to change it using Neptunese (the official language of the planet Neptune.)

Tom Brady will be listed as questionable or doubtful for every game of the year. He will of course play in every game of the season.

Halfway through the season, Cincinnati will start plucking players off their “Rikers Island Developmental Squad.”

The NBC studio show will have so many people on it, they will petition to become a team in the league.

Brett Favre will make 5 unbelievably great “I can’t believe what I just saw” plays this season.

Brett Favre will make 15 unbelievably terrible “What the hell was he thinking” plays this season.
During Week 4, Aaron Rodgers will become so freaked, his eyes will literally pop out of his head. They are already halfway out.

There will be more commercials featuring either one or both of the Manning boys than the total number of presidential campaign ads.

The NFL Network still won’t get on anymore cable networks.

The Dolphins WILL NOT make the playoffs.

These teams WILL make the playoffs:



And finally… Super Bowl XLIII will be a rematch of Super Bowl XL with the Steelers against the Seahawks. And once again, the referees will win it for the Steelers.

NOTE- To all my friends that are Steelers fans, I apologize for the obvious open mouth kiss of death.

Week 1- Mo' Money, Mo' Money

Flush with success with my correct pick for the first game of the year, I am so overwhelmed with a sense of confidence that I have officially given notice to my day job and will live solely on my prognostication skills.

I will eat, sleep, drink and lather myself head to toe with all things football. After crunching the numbers, I figure to have accumulated enough money by the end of the Super Bowl that I will never have to work a real job again. However, it will not be enough money for my wife not to work again. She unfortunately will have to keep her 10 hour a day job. I feel really bad for her.

Now if you want in on this money making venture, all you have to do is:

$- Stopping paying all your bills. You will need the extra cash for your gambling bankroll

$- Get the Playboy Football coverage issue. Really, just read it for the insight.

$- Move to the state of Nevada or out of the United States (I know. Isn’t that the same thing?) Sports wagering in only legal in Nevada. Thanks President McCain.

$- Follow the picks I give you every week. My motto is “if you hate money, don’t listen to me.”

Week 1 Picks (picks in bold)

Bengals -1.5 at Ravens – The Ravens offense will be the only one the Bengals will stop all year.

Jets at Dolphins +3 – Pennington says revenge will play no part in this game. Pennington is a liar.

Chiefs +16 at Patriots – The Chiefs won’t be able to slow down the Pats, but Tropical Storm Hanna can.

Texans at Steelers -6.5- Ben is excited that he has receivers that are tall and have big hands, which makes him similar to 90% of women.

Jaguars at Titans +3 - The Titans offense- your cure for insomnia.

Lions -3 at Falcons - Congratulations Atlanta! You have made the Lions a road favorite for the first time since the Carter Administration.

Seahawks PK at Bills- After hours of analysis, I picked the Seahawks because the coin came up heads.

Buccaneers at Saints -3.5 – After surviving Hurricane Gustav, you think the Saints are worried about Tropical Depression Garcia?

Rams +7 at Eagles- Everybody loves the Eagles. Nobody thinks much of the Rams. "Nobody" usually knows more than "everybody."

Cowboys -5 at Browns- Jessica Simpson covers songs better than the Browns cover receivers.

Panthers +9.5 at Chargers- I’d feel a little better about the Chargers if their QB, TE and best LB were not playing on one leg.

Cardinals at 49ers +2.5- Oh the Cardinals. Every year they are everyone’s sleeper pick to improve. And every year…oh you know the rest of the story.

Bears +9.5 at Colts- Pssst. Colts. I have a little tip. DO NOT KICK IT TO HESTER!!!!! I swear if they kick it to him, I am going to demand Dungy visit a court appointed shrink.

Vikings at Packers -2.5- I just feel for the kid and want him to do well. But if Rodgers costs me money here, he’s dead to me.

Broncos -3 at Raiders – Shanahan just won’t let go of that grudge against Al Davis. Kind of like Rosie can’t let go of the girls on the View…or fried chicken.

My real “seriously I’m going to bet” Picks
Chiefs/Patriots – under 45
Bears/Colts- under 44.5
Bengals -1.5 over Ravens
Broncos -3 over Vikings

This is why I drafted Chris Cooley

Looks like actual football players know as little about fantasy football as I do.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Who says Miami isn't a baseball town?

600 people braved the partly cloudy, 90 degree conditions to attend a Marlins home game on Wednesday afternoon.

Talk about service. You had one stadium staff person for every fan at the game.

I demand the City of Miami get its act together and build that multi-million dollar stadium so these 600 people can have more comfortable seats and unobstructed views.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

McCain v. Football


The possible future leader of the free world will be making the most important speech of his career tomorrow. This moment could usher the election of a man who will lead 300 million Americans, and arguably the 6 billion people of the world.

Not that anyone will be watching, because a much, much more important moment will be ushered in tomorrow night…the official booing of Eli Manning will commence.

Despite the Republicans trying to define what Americans are, “real” Americans will be riveted to the opening of the NFL season at Giants Stadium tomorrow night, allowing us to focus for the next several months on something more important than those pesky calls from the bank asking for something called “my mortgage payment.”

As for the booing of Eli Manning, I officially put the over/under on that moment to be after he calls the coin toss incorrectly. Look Eli, although you heroically led the Giants to the most improbable Super Win in history, don’t think Vinnie from Brooklyn “is gonna let yous pansy ass off the hook.” This is New York. And New York only accepts winners! (exceptions include: Yankees, Mets, Rangers, Knicks, Islanders, and Jets.)

In addition to the obligatory TV shots of Archie Manning’s agape mouth as his son throws 4 picks, here are some other fun moments to watch for tomorrow night as we collectively ignore John McCain and his painfully forced grinning.

John Madden will talk more about New York’s other quarterback more than the one playing at the time. Thanks God Favre is back. Seeing Madden without Favre would be like seeing Hall without Oates, Lenny without Squiggy, or Ennis without Jack.

Daniel Snyder will have that deer caught in the headlights look as he realizes he just hired a head coach without any head coaching or even coordinator experience. He’ll quickly get on the phone to the head football coach of Wasilla High School.

No less than 6 airings of “The Catch” from the Super Bowl, coupled with highlights of David Tyree getting blocked on kick coverage.

An uncomfortable moment in the pre game show when Tiki Barber quickly clarifies a previous statement, “I said ‘Luck, Eli’ I swear that is what I said.”

Al Michaels will make at least two scripted jokes about Jason Taylor and dancing. Both will completely go over the head of Madden…and the rest of the football watching audience. Just like most of what he says.

Kevin Boss will make people say “Jeremy who?”
Ahmad Bradshaw will run like a man happy not to be in jail.
Tom Coughlin will only throw his hands up once.
The Giants will win and cover the 4 point spread.

He steals my job, I steal his underwear.

Tatum Bell apparently stole Rudi Johnson's luggage after the Detroit Lions signed Rudi and cut Tatum.

This validates my picking Tatum first in my Fantasy Theivery League.