Thursday, December 24, 2009

Week 16- Coaches and their Christmas Lists

Santa Claus might be smart and efficient enough to deliver presents to the approximately 6 billion people in the world, but his elves know nothing about cyber-security.

I had a team of 13 year old computer whiz kids work all this week year cracking Santa’s firewall. Instead of money, I just needed to ply them with X-box 360 games and show them a continuous loop of Megan Fox clips from both Transformers movies. My pre-pubescent commandos were able to crack Santa’s Google groups account and access the wish list of several NFL coaches.

I thought about not revealing what I learned in order to keep sacred the confidentially between Santa and his subjects; but alas, I need content for this week’s post.

Eric Mangini, Cleveland Browns- packing crates to load up his office.

Brad Childress, Minnesota Vikings- someone, anyone, to respect his authority.

Bill Belichick, New England Patriots- a play to gain 2 yards on 4th down.

Jim Caldwell, Indianapolis Colts- 1000 pounds of bubble wrap to protect his starters for the next two games.

Raheem Morris, Tampa Bay Buccaneers- a demotion back to linebackers coach where he wasn’t over his head.

Lovie Smith, Chicago Bears- the receipt so he can return that early Christmas gift he got with the Orton/Cutler trade.

Tony Sparano, Miami Dolphins- for anyone to recognize that it’s not all Bill Parcells.

Andy Reid, Philadelphia Eagles- Cookies. Cake. Oh, hell any kind of food.

John Fox, Carolina Panthers- ability not to have to play Jake Delhomme anymore. (already granted)

Gary Kubiak, Houston Texans- football games that end after three quarters.

Tom Cable, Oakland Raiders- a meeting with Dana White to join UFC

Mike McCarthy, Green Bay Packers- for Tiger Woods and Brett Favre to trade places

The Mascot, Blame the Mascot- winning picks for this week to overcome my horrendous previous week.

So below are the straight from the North Pole. (picks in bold)

Chargers +3 at Titans
Seahawks at Packers -14
Raiders +3.5 at Browns
Chiefs at Bengals -13.5
Bills +9.5 at Falcons
Texans at Dolphins -3
Panthers +7 at Giants
Bucs at Saints -14
Jaguars +7.5 at Patriots
Ravens +2.5 at Steelers
Broncos at Eagles -7
Rams at Cardinals -14
Lions +12 at 49ers
Jets +6.5 at Colts
Cowboys at Redskins +7
Vikings at Bears +7.5

Last Week 5-10-1

Season 118-101-5

Friday, December 18, 2009

Week 15- You might need help

As a public service to our readers, here are some signs you are a degenerative gambler.

If one or more of these items pertain to you, we suggest you seek immediate help from a licensed professional or take out a second mortgage on your home to cover your losses.

You picked against Peyton Manning on a night game (see my pick from yesterday.)

You find out the point guard for the WNBA’s LA Sparks has a bum knee so you bet against them. You degenerative not because you are using this info, but because you are BETTING ON THE WNBA!

You refuse to bet anything less than a five team parlay because you just it’s just not worth it unless you are making 25 to 1 on your money.

You have said the following this year- “There is no way the Rams can be that bad. I’m taking the points!” (see my picks below.)

You have used the rational – “Yes, but if I bet my rent payment and I win, then I don’t have to pay rent for 2 months!”

You have the following exchange with your landlord:
You: (sniffling) “I am sorry. I had the rent, but I spent the money for my dear mother’s funeral.”
Landlord: “I though she died right after the Patriots/Colts game?”
You: “That was my other mother.”

You base your wagers on anything said by anybody on Fox Sports.

You refuse to tip the pregnant cocktail waitress who has already served 5 complimentary Bud Lights because you are saving your dollar bills for keno.

The fact you actually play keno.

The list of bets you need to make this weekend is longer than your family’s grocery list.

You have ever Googled “blood banks near casinos.”

You have ever bought a book on “strategy” for roulette, craps and penny slots.

And finally....
You ignore my picks below even though I have winning better than 67% over the past two weeks.

Here are my picks for Week 15 (in bold.)

Cowboys at Saints -7
Packers +2 at Steelers
Dolphins +3 at Titans
Patriots at Bills +7
Cardinals -12 at Lions
49ers +8.5 at Eagles
Falcons +5 at Jets
Bears +10.5 at Ravens
Browns at Chiefs -2
Texans at Rams +11.5
Bengals at Chargers -6.5
Raiders at Broncos -12.5
Bucs at Seahawks -6.5
Vikings -8.5 at Panthers
Giants -3 at Redskins

Thursday 0-1

Last Week 11-5

Season 113-92-4

Thursday, December 17, 2009

It's not always the mascot's fault

My good friend, the spinmaster dj mr. m, recently made a point to me that it is not always the mascot's fault. Maybe I have been too harsh, but dammit 99% of the time I can directly link any team's loss or global economic crisis to a mascot. You hear me Phillie Phanatic who got me to refinance my home with an adjustable rate mortgage!

Here are three examples even I admit the mascot is not at fault.

I love the fact that not a single person goes over to the mascot to see if he is okay. They just stare at him as he rolls around in excruciating pain.

First time wearing a mascot costume-- check!

First time on ice skates check -- check!

Last time I'll be able to land a date-- check!

Everyone knows that (alleged) PEDs add 20 pounds to a person's frame.

Also, don't Blame the Mascot if you are degenerate enough to bet this week's Thursday night game between the Colts and Jaguars. You do not know if the Colts are going to play all their starters for the whole game and you do not know how bad the Jaguars really are.

If you do bet it, may I suggest you seek counseling and take the Jaguars plus the 3 points.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Week 14- Nothing exciting going on

There is a lot to cover in sports this week as the NFL season heads down the home stretch, the college bowl season is about to begin, the NFL and NBA are in full swing, MLB trades are happening and…oh my god I just saw that another women has come out saying she slept with Tiger Woods!

No. I am not going to get distracted over something as meaningless and private as Tiger Woods’ personal life. This post is all about analyzing what is happening on the field and, …good god, they have naked pictures of Tiger! Where?

I mean, not that I want to see it, but so I can avoid going to those sites, whatever they might be. Let’s discuss the NFL. There are several big games this weekend starting with the Dolphins and the Jaguars battling for a spot in the playoffs…Tiger might have drunk, stoned, and/or overdosing on Thanksgiving? What was he taking? How much? Does he know Michael Jackson’s doctor?

Never mind. Must stay focused. The Yankees had a big trade this week getting All-Star center fielder Curtis…Tiger’s mother-in-law is sick! Oh my god! Was she drunk, stoned, and/or overdosing? What was she taking? How much? Does she know Michael Jackson’s doctor?

Alright. I can'y keep going to TMZ. I am disconnecting my internet right no…

Okay, I pulled the wrong plug. I am back but have no internet capability so I can focus on sports and…what’s that honey? Tiger Woods is on The View? Oh, Tiger Woods has been ON The View. All of them? Even the guy? What do mean Joy Behar is not a guy?

Okay. That’s it. I am closing the door. Pulling the plug on my telephone. Shutting off the TV. Sticking just to sports. This week the Heisman trophy is going to go to one of five very qualified players. Players..... Playas. Damn Tiger is a playa. How did he have the time to play golf with all the messing around he was doing? Wonder how it’ll effect his game. And his wife. So…like, is she officially single now? Let me Google her picture. Dammit!!! Who unplugged my internet thingy!

Forget this. I can barely keep enough focus to brush my teeth. Thank god he’ll be returning to just playing golf soon and we can forget the while mess. He just said what!?!?

Here are my picks this week. Be warned, the whole time I was making these picks, I was thinking about Tiger’s mother-in-law having an affair with Michael Jackson’s doctor.

My pick in bold.

Broncos at Colts -7
Bengals +6.5 at Vikings
Jets -3.5 at Bucs
Bills at Chiefs PK
Packers -3 at Bears
Saints at Falcons +10
Lions at Ravens -13.5
Dolphins +2.5 at Jaguars
Panthers +13.5 at Patriots
Seahawks at Texans -6
Rams at Titans -13
Redskins at Raiders +1
Chargers +3 at Cowboys
Eagles +1 at Giants
Cardinals -3.5 at 49ers

Thursday 0-1
Last Week 10-5-1

Season 102-87-4

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Thursday Night: Steelers v. Browns

These are two teams going in different directions. Pittsburgh is driving off a cliff and Cleveland is already at the bottom of the cliff.

Pittsburgh is in bad shape because:
1) The only guy who can tackle on their team is too busy doing Head and Shoulders commercial to play.
2) The locker room is full of players bickering over who is healthy enough to play and who is one blow to the head away from drooling more than Hooch.
3) They are worried about what the Tiger Woods story could mean for their chances to hook up during away games.

Cleveland is in bad shape because:
1) They made the absolute worst coaching hire in the history of pro football.
2) They are too busy helping the NY Jets get to the playoff (see Sanchez and Edwards)
3) They are masters at finding new and mind-bending ways to lose games.

Although these are two Titanics heading for the same ice berg, I think the Steelers have a few more life boats so I am going with Pittsburgh minus the 10 points.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Week 13- The Good Old Days

Channel suffering last night found me landing on the NFL Network and a replay of the classic 1994 game between the Dolphins and the Pats. This game was notable since it was Marino return after being out most of the previous season with a blow Achilles tendon. Living in Miami at the time, I missed watching this game but heard some of it on the radio. So it was incredibly cool actually seeing what I missed. It doesn’t hurt that the Fins won this game in typical Marino shoot out fashion 39-35. This was also the game Bledsoe really came to the forefront as a big time arm.

As I watched a game that took place over 15 years ago, I realized some of the parts of the game that I really miss.

Sidelines were not over-crowded.
Back then, there was a normal amount of people on the sidelines of each team. I saw actual space between the players and the coaches.

In today’s game, the sidelines look like a Vegas nightclub dance floor at 2:00am. Sweaty bodies grinding and bumping into each other because of a lack of space. I swear it looked like the sidelines are crowded with everyone even remotely associated with the team. Injured players. Former Players. Celebrity Fans. Priests. Caddies. Wives. Mistresses. Lawyers. Mistress’ Lawyers.

Shula with no headset.
He was the last of the old breed of coaches who looked more like a field general and less like the kid taking my order at McDonalds.

A slimmer Parcells.
Okay, he was pretty fat, but you do not realize how fat he has gotten now until you see him 15 years ago. He looked downright slim compared to the Parcells on the Jets and Cowboys sidelines. In comparison, Shula looks the same, which says something about that Nutra-system diet he went on.

Muddy Fields.
The Marlins were still playing so the infield dirt was still there. It rained prior to the game so the dirt became a slop of mud. Because fields today are so much better cared for (Heinz field the exception), we do get enough of those roll around in the mud games that we as kids love to watch and play in. If a player’s uniform ain’t dirty, how do we know he is trying?

No replay crying.
In a 15 minute span, I saw three plays that were questionable and would have cried out for a replay review in today’s game. Back then, the teams and announcers just shrugged it off and went on with playing. There was so much less crying in football back then.

Marino yelling and cursing.
There was less crying, but a heck of a lot more cursing and yelling from star quarterbacks, especially from number 13 of Miami. Can you imagine today’s QB getting away with as many F-Bombs to his teammates as Marino did? Loved the fiery competitor. And as you can see, he hasn’t lost it.

Now, back to the present. Here are my picks for Week 13. (in bold) If this week is like last week, there will be plenty of crying and cursing and yelling going on this Sunday.

Broncos at Chiefs +4.5
Raiders and Steelers -14.5
Texans at Jaguars PK
Titans at Colts -7
Eagles -5
at Falcons
Lions +13 at Bengals
Saints -9.5 at Redskins
Bucs at Panthers -6
Rams at Bears -8
Chargers -13 at Browns
49ers at Seahawks PK
Vikings at Cardinals +3.5
Cowboys at Giants +2
Patriots -4 at Dolphins
Ravens at Packers -3

Thursday 1-0
Last Week 8-7-1
Season: 93-81-3

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Thursday Night: Jets v. Bills

Buffalo has one of the best home field advantages in the NFL. Their fans passionately support their team. The raucous crowd gives them a distinct 12th man advantage. The weather in December is their ally as teams crumble under the cold temperature and icy conditions. Add to all this that tonight’s game will be played at night in front of a national viewing audience (or least the tens of people who can get NFL Network) and the Bills will be an unstoppable force.

What’s that? They are playing the game in Toronto? We are talking about the Bills not the Sabres right? The Bills are willingly giving up one of their 8 home games to play in Canada? And again they chose it against a divisional foe? Instead of the coach, can the Bills fire the guy who agreed to do that? Oh, you can’t fire the owner.

Sorry Bills Fans. The Mascot says take the Jets minus the 3 points.