Friday, November 27, 2009

Week 12- Football Jeopardy

Let's Jeopardy!

I am not talking about returning to the field after a blow to the head. I am talking about the game show that will soon be dominating syndicated TV. I give you the answer (which is the game and who will cover), and I also give you the appropriate question for that answer.

Alex Trebek would be so proud. I am sure his lawyers will soon be telling me just how proud he he is.

My picks are in bold.

Colts -3.5 at Texans
What is the game I will lose by a half point?

Browns at Bengals -14
What is the game Chad Ochocinco will get fined $25,000 for grabbing the referee’s microphone and giving a 5 minute acceptance speech after a TD?

Bears +11 at Vikings
What is the game Brett Favre shows that young up and comer in Chicago how to really throw mind blowing interceptions?

Redskins at Eagles -9.5
What will be the first NFL game in which both teams lose all of their running backs?

Dolphins -3 at Bills
What is game Terrell Owns takes Ted Guinn under his wing to show him how to blame the QB for all his dropped passes?

Cardinals + 3 at Titans
What game do the Cardinals cover Kurt Warner in bubble wrap in order to avoid having to play Matt Leinart?

Seahawks -3 at Rams
What game causes Jim Mora to find a new person to blame for his team’s performance - the valet parker who scratched his Subaru?

Bucs at Falcons -11.5
What game will have talking long after the game…about the UF/Alabama match next weekend?

Panthers +3 at Jets
What is the game in which the winning team gives the game ball to the other team’s quarterback?

Jaguars at 49ers -3
What game will Maurice Jones-Drew blow kisses to the stands after scroing a TD and get 50,000 kisses blown back?

Chiefs at Chargers -13.5
What game with turn Todd Haley’s face into a never before seen shade of crimson?

Steelers at Ravens -2.5
What event will have special triage tents set up all over the field by the American Red Cross?

Patriots at Saints -2.5
What game will have more scoring than the French Quarter during Mardi Gras?

Thursday 2-1
Last Week 11-5

Season: 86-75-2

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Thanksgiving Thanks

In this season of giving thanks, I checked around the sports landscape to get a sampling of what some of our sports figures are most thankful to have in their lives. None of them returned my calls, but here is what I assumed they would have said.

Mark Mangino, Kansas University Football Coach

“Boli. I think it’s called Boli. Whatever my cousin gave me.”
Alex Rodriguez

“The compromising pictures I have of the Browns’ ownership.”
Eric Mangini, head coach for the Cleveland Browns

“Skin toned facial make-up.”
Jimmy Clausen, QB for Notre Dame

“SEC referees.”
Urban Meyers, head coach of Florida Gators

“The Notre Dame defense in the 2007 Sugar Bowl. Man, they made me a lot of money.”
JaMarcus Russell, former starting QB for Oakland Raiders

“Peyton Manning’s health. Hell, I’m getting paid to do nothing.”
Jim Sorgi, back- up QB for Colts.

“Masking agents for marijuana.”
Ricky Williams, Miami Dolphins Running Back

“The bug residing up my butt.”
Skip Bayless, ESPN commentator

Here are my picks for Thursday Football Spectacular aka Thanksgiving. My picks in bold.

Packers -10.5 at Lions

Raiders +14 at Cowboys

Giants at Broncos +6

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Week 11- He is Always Right!

Bill Belichick was right. Everyone is giving him a hard time about his decision to go for it on 4th and 2 on his own 28 yard line. But I say Belichick was absolutely right to go for it. So what if they ended up blowing a 17-point 4th quarter lead. I know it was the right decision because Bill Belichick is a “genius.” Ever since he led that first Pats team to a Super Bowl victory, everyone on TV has been telling me he was a genius, so he must be a genius because people on TV know what they are talking about. Heck, they are geniuses too.

Only a genius could have taken that Pats team to the Super Bowl, using to their advantage one of the top five worse officiating calls in playoff history (what the tuck is a tuck rule?) Only a genius could get away with video tapping the other team’s signals and using those signals against that team. Not only did he get away with it without a suspension, but he got the NFL to BURN THE EVIDENCE! Seriously, if that is not genius, then Greta Van Susteren is not hot.

I believe in Bill Belichick’s genius so much, I recently reached out to him to ask him his advice on several other pressing personal matters. While Bill did not speak to me directly (geniuses lack in social skills that is why they are geniuses), I received all these answers via a sheet of paper wrapped around a large rock.

I am thinking about quitting my job without having another one lined up. What do you think?
The stats say there are few job in the market. Screw the stats. Quit your job. I know that if you quit, you can’t get unemployment, but what’s the worst that can happen? You can’t find a job, lose your home, live on the street and become a crack addict. Is that so bad?

My 10th wedding anniversary is coming up. What gift should I get my wife that she will really love?
As you can tell, I am a very much in tune with my sensitive, emotional side. I know what the ladies love. Buy her a lovely iron and ironing board set. Or perhaps pot holders and matching cookware. A wild card gift I have found to be effective is bring home another woman for a “special night.”

Stocks, bonds, gold or real estate. What should I invest in?
None of the above. Invest in newspapers. They are the wave of the future. People will never stop relying on those ink stained sheets of paper as their main source of information for news, weather and sports.

A co-worker of mine always gets the jump on me at work. He presents better, more profitable ideas to the CEO. What should I do?
I am NOT saying I ever tried this, but have you considered secretly videotaping him. You can see what he is working on and prepare to either copy it or do it better. You can then present to your boss before he get a chance. It will guarantee you a Super Bowl win, I mean a promotion.

My doctor says I should lose 20 pounds and advises I exercise and follow a sensible diet. Should I listen to him?
If you want to be labeled a “conventional person,” then sure listen to the quack. But as someone who has built a reputation out of being unconventional (and admired for it), I suggest taking the binging and purging approach along with wrapping yourself in plastic and sitting in a sauna. Guaranteed to lose the 20 pounds in no time…along with your teeth.

Who is going to win the Dolphins/Panthers game on Thursday?
The Panthers are by far the better team. The Dolphins are decimated with injuries. There is no way they will win. I suggest betting what’s left of your 401k on it.

Thanks Coach Belichick for this sage advice. I am sure listening to you will turn out as great as that call on Sunday night. Since he can do no wrong, this week’s picks are also brought to you by the coach. The picks are in bold.

Browns at Lions -3.5
Bills at Jaguars -8.5
Steelers at Chiefs +10
Colts -1.5 at Ravens
Falcons at Giants -6.5
49ers +6.5 at Packers
Seahawks at Vikings -11
Redskins +11 at Cowboys
Saints -11.5 at Bucs
Cardinals -8.5 at Rams
Jets at Patriots -10
Bengals at Raiders +9.5
Chargers -3 at Broncos
Eagles -3 at Bears
Titans +5 at Texans

Thursday 0-1
Last Week: 7-7-1
Season: 73-70-2

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Thursday Night- Fins v. Panthers

Starting QB hurt and out for season- check.
Starting RB and best player on offense hurt and out for season- check.
Team’s best pass rusher disappearing this year- check.
Team’s first round pick and hopeful #1 receiver having hands of stone- check.

Yep, this is your 2009 Miami Dolphins.

They are just good enough to beat bad team - see Bills, Bucs, and Jets (yes, Jets fan, your team stinks, but don't tell Rex or he'll start blubbering again.)

And they are just bad enough to loss close games to good teams- Colts, Saints, Pats.

So what about mediocre teams like Carolina?

The Fins will hang around and make it close. They might even have a early 3rd quarter lead. But eventually their inability to tackle or cover good receivers will come back to haunt them. If you have Steve Smith on your fantasy team, you will win this week.

My aqua and orange blood boils as I write this, but take the Panthers and lay the 3 points.

Will this mean I lose my .0001% ownership of the team?

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Week 10- Fan Schizophrenia

This week’s picks are coming to you from the city of Denver, CO- dubbed Mile High both because of the altitude and the fact they legalized medical marijuana.

Denver is a great location to study the phenomenon of “fan schizophrenia.” It’s a malady that affects the fan base of every sport, city and political party. The disease leaves its victim in a constant state of agitation. Their emotions constantly fluctuate between euphoria and crushing depression. One week, they seriously believe their team will go all the way. They proudly fly their team flag on their dented up Corolla and search Priceline for tickets to the Super Bowl city.

Following a loss, they are inconsolable. They drive their dented up Corolla aimlessly around town hoping to get hit by a train. Their only friend is the sports talk radio host who rails about how terrible the team is and how everyone should get fired. The fan would also get fired too, but he lost his job months ago when, after his team lost in overtime, he showed up to work in his underwear and tried to crash a forklift into a pile of canned pears.

Denver has recently experienced an acute care of fan schizophrenia.

The season started with Broncos fans sniffing glue. Their team last year blew a four game division lead. They got a new, young coach who looked like he had no idea what he was doing. And they traded their all-pro QB for Kyle “Friggin” Orton.

Then as quickly as is takes a tipped ball to fall into the hands of Brandon Stokley, Broncos fans were slap happy ecstatic. They saw their team ride out to a 6-0 start. Josh McDaniels was the greatest coach ever. Kyle “Awesome” Orton was just the QB they needed. The defense was back to the Orange Crush days.

Now after consecutive losses to teams who made the playoffs last year, the town in back on the prozac. They should bench Orton and go with Chris Simms. Josh McDaniels has no clue on how to run the offense. The team is going to choke like they always do. All that was just from the 76-year old lady in line with me at the King Soopers. I fear Broncos fans are on another roller coaster ride that will leave their emotional state as scrambled as Evander Holyfield’s brain. The only consolation for Broncos fans is that 31 other football fan bases will share in this torment.

Sadly, no cure for this illness has been approved by the FDA, but there is some promising research being conducting in Detroit with Lions fans. We would love to learn more about this research but it seems the city is so broke they just lost their internet connection.

Suffering from a case of fan schizophrenia myself, I made this week’s picks in a locked closet, littered with Twinkie wrappers, with my shivering body wrapped in a Miami Dolphins Snuggie. My picks are in bold.

Jaguars at Jets -6.5
Broncos -3.5
at Redskins
Bengals +7 at Steelers
Bills +7 at Titans
Lions at Vikings -17
Saints -14 at Rams
Falcons at Panthers +2
Bucs +10 at Dolphins
Chiefs +2 at Raiders
Seahawks +9 at Cardinals
Eagles at Chargers -1.5
Cowboys -3 at Packers
Patriots at Colts -2.5
Ravens -10.5 at Browns

Thursday: 1-0
Last Week: 6-7
Season: 67-62-1

Thursday, November 12, 2009

But it started off so good...

Chicago and San Francisco.

It started off so good for these two teams. The Bears got their first superstar QB in decades. The 49ers started 3-1 and their coach kept his pants on.

You know what else started well-

The Matrix, then came those "what the hell" sequels.

Matthew McConaughey, then came every other film he did.

My high school relationships, then came acne.

These two teams are a wreck and I wish I could pick against both.

But I won't. With a pinched nose, I take the 49ers minus the 3.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Week 9- Softies

When did we become so soft?

For several years now, there has been an increasing amount of studies and evidence to suggest that football players are susceptible to grave neurological disorders. This might, just might, have something to with the thousands of head crashing collisions they endure through a lifetime of football. The results can leave players in their later years with dementia, severe emotional distress, and a yearning to run for political office. Some esteemed writers (aka wimps) have even equated football to dog fighting.

This is completely a stretch. Dog fighting is nothing like football. If it was, Michael Vick would be a much better quarterback.

With the medical evidence increasing, some NFL veterans and medical doctors are crying out that players who suffer concussions should not be rushed back to playing. They claim that rattling the brain severe enough that it causes loss of consciousness is a “bad” thing. Look, I have suffered numerous concussions and I have had no ill effects. Look, I have suffered numerous concussions and I have had no ill effects. Look, I have suffered numerous concussions and I have had to ill effects.

But, I am happy to report that the NFL, and even college football, is not going to allow some minor concerns like players’ health stop them from fielding the best team possible to cover the spread. Time and again coaches and organizations ignore those pesky concussions and have their players walk it off. Of course, as they walk it off, they need another player with them so they don’t fall down.

This week Bryant Westbrook, just two weeks removed from a concussion that he admitted scared the hell out of him, is expected to play. Good. I have him on my fantasy team and I need all the help I can get. Granted, this might lead him to a life of staring blankly out windows, but damn it man, I need to qualify for the playoffs!

A few weeks ago, the great Tim Tebow suffered a concussion that knocked him out cold. Because Urban Meyer and the Florida staff really care about their players, they hemmed and hawed and made all kinds of public declarations that their concerns is the kid’s health. Also of concern, Florida was playing at LSU. Playing at LSU won out on the “concern-o-meter” and Tebow, who was just given medical permission to read a few days earlier, played in the game.

Tip of the cap to the Eagles and Gators, but none of them can top the Pittsburgh Steelers. The Super Bowl champs are showing the rest of the sissified world what it means to be a football team.

This case has nothing to do with head trauma, just literally life and death. Starting safety Ryan Clark has a very rare sickle-cell trait that leads to a life threatening situation if he exerts himself at high altitude. An example of this would be say, playing football at a mile above sea-level in a city such as…Denver. We know this because three years ago, Ryan Clark played a game in Denver and nearly died and needed emergency surgery to remove his spleen.

So, the Steelers are plating AT Denver this Monday Night. Ryan Clark’s status is still uncertain for the game. Yep, the fact he could die playing has only lead him to be listed as questionable. If Ryan Clark had any guts left after his operation to save his life, he would play. I commend the Steelers organization for taking the brave step of ignoring the medical condition of a single player in favor of consideration of the team as a whole.

I thank you on behalf of all people who are wagering cold hard cash on the Steelers covering the spread this Monday. See, football is nothing like dog fighting.

These are my dogs, err I mean, my picks for this week. (in bold)

Chiefs at Jaguars -6.5
Ravens at Bengals +2.5
Texans +9 at Colts
Redskins at Falcons -10
Packers -9.5 at Bucs
Cardinals at Bears -3
Dolphins +11 at Patriots
Panthers +13.5 at Saints
Lions at Seahawks -10
Titans at 49ers -4
Chargers at Giants -4.5
Cowboys at Eagles -3
Steelers at Broncos +3

Last Week 6-7
Season 60-55-1

Friday, November 6, 2009

Why I Don't Have a Ponytail

You think NFL and NHL players are rough. They got nothing on NCAA Women's soccer players. Actually specifically one player, Elizabeth Lambert of University of New Mexico.

Check out this video and tell me she could not fit in the Ravens' linebacking core or be an enforcer for the Calgary Flames.

This just in--- The Oakland Raiders just signed her and Tom Cable crapped his pants.