Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Marlins Play in the Worst Stadium and in Front of the Dumbest Fans. Still Have Won More World Series in Last Century than the Cubs. had fans rate the top baseball stadiums in the majors and, as expected, Dolphins Stadium, home of the Marlins, ranked dead last.

This is a park that gets so small of a crowd that catchers have to whisper to pitchers on the mound for fear their voice will echo through the empty chairs.

The stadium that ranked first was Cleveland's Jacobs Field, home of great prices, great promotions and exactly zero championships in the last 60 years.

So Marlins, don't move! Keep your lousy home field disadvantage and $500,000 payroll. It works. You've won more championships this decade than the Yankees.

Honest to Goodness Heartwarming Story

Nothing snarky to say about this great story of real sportsmanship.

Although if this happened in a Yankee-Red Sox Game, they would have made the guy crawl on his belly around the bases..while pressing one foot down on his back.

New "90210" looking to cast Parcells

The head of football operations for the Miami Dolphins, and prepubescent teenage girl, Bill Parcells gave his one and only pro bowl player, Jason Taylor, the "I'm not talking to you and you know why" treatment a few weeks ago.

Obviously jealous that Jason would rather hang out with new BFFs Tom Bergeron and Bruno Toniolli, Bill refused to talk to him when he visited Dolphins camp. Taylor was hoping to impress on his teammates how the erotic hip movements of the samba will hypnotize offensive tackles and get him 20 sacks next season.

When word of Parcells junior high antics reached the new producers of "90210," they shrieked in delight. "That is just the kind of bitchy personality we need on the set to fill the Shannon Dougherty role," said a highly caffeinated executive.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Japanese Olympic Train Stuffing Team

This would have been a good day to use deordorant.

Canadians Riot After Game 7 Win, But in Polite Fashion

Montreal Canadiens fans celebrated their team's Game 7 win over the Boston Bruins with the customary burning of cars and looting. In another sign that our neighbors to the north will not be outdone in the "boorish behavior" category, Canada showed once and for all why they deserve to be called the "Detroit of the North."

My favorite tidbit from the riot came from this Canadian Press line -

"The overall level of organization may have been somewhat relative. One merchant said looters walked off with 14 displayed high-end running shoes - all of them for the left foot."

If I were the Montreal police, I'd look for 14 men running really circles.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

United States Steps Up Trade War with Canada. Sends Miami Dolphins to Play in Toronto.

The 2008 NFL schedule was released today with the accustomed over the top fanfare that an event that is 5 months in the offing deserves.

As usual, the league is still punishing ESPN for "Playmakers" by giving them a lousy line up for Monday night football. (see Nov 10 Cardinals v. 49ers in which both teams will already be eliminated from the playoffs)

The biggest shocker has to be the decision to send the Miami Dolphins to help represent NFL football in another foreign country. Hadn't last year's game in London sent US-British relations to depths not seen since1812?

This is clearly a preemptive response by the U.S. to the unfair trade practice Canada will launch in the form of Mike Myers' "The Love Guru," coming to theaters this summer.

Friday, April 4, 2008

It's terrible...and yet I can't stop watching it.

The first rule of Hockey Club is - you do not talk about Hockey Club

Second Rule of Hockey Club is- you keep your head on a swivel.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Royals sweep Tigers. City plans ticker tape parade.

The Kansas City Royals have done the impossible. They are in first place after a whole three games into the season after sweeping the Tigers today.

This is a development on par with the US Hockey team in 1980, the NY Giants in this year's Super Bowl and "Full House" lasting eight season on network TV. The mayor of Kansas City announced this afternoon a full blown celebration to honor the team when they return from getting swept by Minnesota this weekend.

"I don't care if there is 159 more games left, the history books will show that on this date the Kansas City Royals are kings of the baseball world," an inebriated Royals fan said as he tried to scalp his tickets to the home opener to a Yankees fan.

It's one, two, three, four, five strikes, you're out!

The Bengals have put their foot down, drawn a line in the sand, and had the last straw break its camel's back. After being arrested once again, the Bengals cut wide receiver Chris Henry today. This happened after the 5th time he had been arrested since December 2005. The first four arrests apparently fell into Cincinnati's "boys will be boys will be felons" standard and did not warrant expulsion.

My job once put me on probation for taking home a pad of post-its. Granted it was the violet colored ones... and I do only run a 7.8 40 yard dash. In hindsight, I should have been shot.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

I want this guy on my team!

Pop Personality Quiz

How does this photo make you feel about Matt Leinart?

If you answer:

a) I think he is immature and needs to grow up to be the leader of a NFL team, then immediately go see a physician about getting that bug remove from up your a##.

b) I think he would be the perfect fit at QB for my team, then you probably just took a beer bong hit yourself... and you are a fan of the Atlanta Falcons.

c) I think he'd be a perfect fit as Will Ferrell's brother in "Old School 2," then you have the traits to be a Hollywood film executive... and you probably just took a beer bong hit.

To see the full story, click here for TMZ.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Hey Bartman! You can come out of hiding now!

Moises Alou admitted that he would NOT have caught the infamous Luis Castillo pop foul in Game 6 of the 2003 NLCS. He let this little tidbit slip as he spoke to reporters about how bad he felt for infamous Cubs fan/torturer Steve Bartman.

Bartman probably wishes Alou mentioned this juicy fact just a little earlier, say 4 1/2 years and six identity changes ago.