Sunday marks the second biggest holiday of this weekend- Boxing Day.
Up until 48 hours ago, I planned on honoring this day by dressing up like the former heavyweight boxer Randall “Tex” Cobb and blocking jabs with my nose. However, it was just brought to my attention that Boxing Day is actually a day to honor our dedicated servants in the postal delivery field.
Good thing I learned this before I made a fool out of myself. Like last year when I dressed like Alexis Arguello while a drugged up hobo played Aaron Pryor and beat the crap out of me. Twice.
To properly honor the holiday, I have included in my picks the special packages the will be delivered to each game by the fine men and women of the postal service. This year has a token of my appreciation my postman will be receiving a pair of slightly used, partially blood stained, boxing trunks.
As usual, my picks for the losing side are in bold.
Lions at Dolphins -3.5
A sign that reads “Ford Field” to put over the stadium so the Fins feel like they are playing on the road.
Vikings +14 at Eagles
Chains, ropes, pad locks, super glue and anything else necessary to keep Brett Favre from suiting up.
Redskins at Jaguars -6.5
A copy of "How to Make Friends and Influence People” delivered to the Shanahans
49ers +2.5 at Rams
A box of printed up playoff tickets for the winner of this game
Seahawks at Bucs -6.5
No doze for the Seahawks to keep them awake for 10am there time football game
Patriots -8 at Bills
A white flag for the Bills to flag after the third quarter
Jets at Bears -2.5
Video encryption software for certain personnel to keep certain videos private
Ravens -3.5 at Browns
High quality paper for Eric Mangini to use to print out his resume
Titans at Chiefs -5
Scented candles for Coach Todd Haley to burn on the sidelines so maybe he can calm and not blow arteries over losing the coin toss.
Colts -2.5 at Raiders
Bigger, stronger, cushier helmets for all the Colts receivers.
Texans -2.5 at Broncos
A copy of Colorado’s penal code for all the Bronco players. They have more arrested players than wins this year.
Giants +3 at Packers
A game play that covers all 60 minutes of a game instead of the first 52 minutes.
Chargers at Bengals +8
Moving boxes for most of the players and coaching staff so they can get a head start on their “forced” relocation at the end of the season.
Saints at Falcons -2.5
A box full of R-E-S-P-E-C-T for the Falcons. Has there ever been a 12-2 team that has flown this far under the proverbial radar?
This week 1-1
Last Week 7-9
Year 119-102-5
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Week 15- NFL's list to Santa
BREAKING NEWS….. Wikileaks has received the flash drive of one Kris Kringle (aka Santa Claus). They are set to release everyone’s Christmas letters to Santa. Fortunately, I obtained a leaked copy of the leaked copy and here are some of the things a few NFL personal asked from Santa this year:
Donovan McNabb- a Wii Fitness
Aaron Rodgers- a thicker helmet
Denver Broncos front office- a clue
Al David- Fred Biletnikoff (remember, he still thinks it’s the ‘70s)
Ben Roethlisberger- Pain medicine. Lots and lots of pain medicine.
Miami Dolphins- for their stadium to burn down and forcing them to play all their games on the road.
Matthew Stafford- a shoulder made of bone instead of glass
Brett Favre- a time machine to take him back to the moment in time he agreed to come back and play this year.
Brad Childress- same as above.
Rex Ryan - For Sal Alosi to keep his mouth shut on who ordered the Code Red, err… I mean, who order the lineup on the sideline.
Roger Goodell and the NFL owners- a labor agreement that will pay the players less, make them work harder (play more games), get their stadiums built without costing them anything, and, all the while, keeping their books a secret so they can continue to cry poor . (Hey, Wikileaks, please get a leaked copy of the NFL financials.)
The list also included my letter to Santa in which I ask, nay beg, for a return to a winning week picking games. As has been my system throughout the year, the losing team is in bold
Chiefs at Rams -3
Texans +1 at Titans
Jaguars +5 at Colts
Cardinals at Panthers -2.5
Browns at Bengals -1
Bills +5.5 at Dolphins
Eagles at Giants -3
Redskins at Cowboys -7
Lions at Bucs -4
Saints +1.5 at Ravens
Falcons at Seahawks +6
Jets +5 at Steelers
Broncos at Raiders -7.5
Packers at Patriots -14
Bears -7.5 at Vikings
Thursday 1-0
Last Week 6-9-1
Year 111-92-5
Donovan McNabb- a Wii Fitness
Aaron Rodgers- a thicker helmet
Denver Broncos front office- a clue
Al David- Fred Biletnikoff (remember, he still thinks it’s the ‘70s)
Ben Roethlisberger- Pain medicine. Lots and lots of pain medicine.
Miami Dolphins- for their stadium to burn down and forcing them to play all their games on the road.
Matthew Stafford- a shoulder made of bone instead of glass
Brett Favre- a time machine to take him back to the moment in time he agreed to come back and play this year.
Brad Childress- same as above.
Rex Ryan - For Sal Alosi to keep his mouth shut on who ordered the Code Red, err… I mean, who order the lineup on the sideline.
Roger Goodell and the NFL owners- a labor agreement that will pay the players less, make them work harder (play more games), get their stadiums built without costing them anything, and, all the while, keeping their books a secret so they can continue to cry poor . (Hey, Wikileaks, please get a leaked copy of the NFL financials.)
The list also included my letter to Santa in which I ask, nay beg, for a return to a winning week picking games. As has been my system throughout the year, the losing team is in bold
Chiefs at Rams -3
Texans +1 at Titans
Jaguars +5 at Colts
Cardinals at Panthers -2.5
Browns at Bengals -1
Bills +5.5 at Dolphins
Eagles at Giants -3
Redskins at Cowboys -7
Lions at Bucs -4
Saints +1.5 at Ravens
Falcons at Seahawks +6
Jets +5 at Steelers
Broncos at Raiders -7.5
Packers at Patriots -14
Bears -7.5 at Vikings
Thursday 1-0
Last Week 6-9-1
Year 111-92-5
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Week 14- Best Comedy Sports Films of the Decade
As we wrap up the end of the first decade of the 21st century, there is going to be a flood of “Best of the Decade” lists coming out.
Because we are always ones to follow a trend rather than lead it, here is our entry into the foray.
Here is the top 5 comedy sports TV shows/films of the ‘00s. Honestly, it was really slim picking after the top 2, but no one wants to see a top two list.
5. Semi-Pro
4. Bad News Bears
3. Blades of Glory
2. Dodgeball
1. Talladega Nights
Enough with the laughter. Below are my serious “If you hate money, don’t bet these” picks of the week. , The losing team in bold.
Raiders +4 at Jaguars
Bengals +8.5 at Steelers
Patriots -3 at Bears
Browns +1 at Bills
Giants -3 at Vikings
Packers -6.5 at Lions
Falcons -7.5 at Panthers
Bucs at Redskins +1
Rams +9 at Saints
Seahawks +5 at 49ers
Dolphins +5.5 at Jets
Broncos -4 at Cardinals
Chiefs +9.5 at Chargers
Eagles at Cowboys +3.5
Ravens -3 at Texans
Thursday 0-1
Last Week 9-7
Year 105-84-4
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Week 13- Getting Ready for the Apocalypse!
This week, the NFLPA took the prudent step of scaring the crap out of its members by telling them to prepare for an owner lockout next year. The owners already have a plan and it’s called “being stinkin’ rich.”
But what about us poor slobs aka “the fans.” How do we prepare for the worst case scenario?
As a public service to all NFL fans, below are the top ten most helpful tips on how to prepare. This will only make life without football barely functional. Quite frankly, there is no advice that can make Sundays without pro football bearable or even tolerable.
10. DVR the rest of the games this season and then next season invite friends over on Sundays to watch the replays.
9. Subscribe to the NHL Network and start boning up on your hockey knowledge.
8. Sneak into your crazy aunt’s house and start stealing her anti-depressant meds.
7. Move out of a house and into an apartment because free Sundays equals fix things around the house time.
6. If no football means at return to church, convert to a religion with the shortest services and the most free alcohol (a Paid Advertisement from the Roman Catholic Church).
5. Learn about websites your can surf other than Pro Football Talk and Yahoo Fantasy Sports.
4. Offer your house as a place to stay to one of your favorite locked out players. If their money management is anything like the rest of Americans, they will be broke and homeless within 2 months.
3. Create a fantasy football team…for the Lingerie Football League.
2. Move to Canada and start following Canadian Football. (It comes with free health care.)
1. After this year’s Super Bowl, keep drinking so you never sober up. Being continually drunk might be the only effective way to handle this!
Here are my picks for the week. Once again, I am picking the losing side with is in bold
Bills +5.5 at Vikings
Browns +5 at Dolphins
Jaguars at Titans -3
Broncos +8.5 at Chiefs
Redskins +7 at Giants
Bears at Lions +5.5
49ers at Packers -9.5
Saints -6.5 at Bengals
Falcons -3 at Bucs
Raiders +13 at Chargers
Panthers at Seahawks -5
Dallas +5.5 at Colts
Rams -3.5 at Cardinals
Steelers at Ravens -3
Jets +3.5 at Patriots
Thursday 0-1
Last Week 8-8
Year 96-79-4
But what about us poor slobs aka “the fans.” How do we prepare for the worst case scenario?
As a public service to all NFL fans, below are the top ten most helpful tips on how to prepare. This will only make life without football barely functional. Quite frankly, there is no advice that can make Sundays without pro football bearable or even tolerable.
10. DVR the rest of the games this season and then next season invite friends over on Sundays to watch the replays.
9. Subscribe to the NHL Network and start boning up on your hockey knowledge.
8. Sneak into your crazy aunt’s house and start stealing her anti-depressant meds.
7. Move out of a house and into an apartment because free Sundays equals fix things around the house time.
6. If no football means at return to church, convert to a religion with the shortest services and the most free alcohol (a Paid Advertisement from the Roman Catholic Church).
5. Learn about websites your can surf other than Pro Football Talk and Yahoo Fantasy Sports.
4. Offer your house as a place to stay to one of your favorite locked out players. If their money management is anything like the rest of Americans, they will be broke and homeless within 2 months.
3. Create a fantasy football team…for the Lingerie Football League.
2. Move to Canada and start following Canadian Football. (It comes with free health care.)
1. After this year’s Super Bowl, keep drinking so you never sober up. Being continually drunk might be the only effective way to handle this!
Here are my picks for the week. Once again, I am picking the losing side with is in bold
Bills +5.5 at Vikings
Browns +5 at Dolphins
Jaguars at Titans -3
Broncos +8.5 at Chiefs
Redskins +7 at Giants
Bears at Lions +5.5
49ers at Packers -9.5
Saints -6.5 at Bengals
Falcons -3 at Bucs
Raiders +13 at Chargers
Panthers at Seahawks -5
Dallas +5.5 at Colts
Rams -3.5 at Cardinals
Steelers at Ravens -3
Jets +3.5 at Patriots
Thursday 0-1
Last Week 8-8
Year 96-79-4
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Thursday Night's Alright for Fightin'
All the talk leading up to tonight's game has been about fighting. The talk has been openly about Andre Johnson's fight and quietly about dog fighting.
Now to see a real football fight, check out the brawl between Miami and FIU. Simultaneously one of the most reprehensible and proudest moments of FIU's football history. Proud because it's the only thing anyone around the nation knows them for. "Any press is good press!"
As for tonight, the fighting should be confined to the booth between Millen and Theismann. Take the Texans the generous 8 points.
Now to see a real football fight, check out the brawl between Miami and FIU. Simultaneously one of the most reprehensible and proudest moments of FIU's football history. Proud because it's the only thing anyone around the nation knows them for. "Any press is good press!"
As for tonight, the fighting should be confined to the booth between Millen and Theismann. Take the Texans the generous 8 points.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Week 12- Let's Go to the (Music) Video!
In honor of last Sunday was the American Music Awards, here is the American Football Music Awards!
Each of this week’s picks comes with a music video that best exemplifies that game.
Remember, my picks for the losing team in bold
Vikings PK at Redskins
Def Leppard’s Photograph
Steelers at Bills +6.5
Bob Marley’s Buffalo Soldier
Titans at Texans -6.5
Jay Z’s Forever Young (Get it Fisher)
Jaguars +7 at Giants
Ryan Adam’s New York, New York (An underappreciated New York Anthem)
Panthers +10 at Browns
The Presidents of the United States’ Cleveland Rocks (Just not in sports)
Bucs +7.5 at Ravens
Randy Newman’s Baltimore
Eagles -3.5 at Bears
’85 Chicago Bears Super Bowl Shuffle (Feels like a long time ago huh Bears fans)
Packers +2.5 at Falcons
Ray Charles’ Georgia on my Mind
Dolphins at Oakland -3
Jimmy Buffet’s Fins
Chiefs at Seattle +1.5
Nirvana’s Smells Like Teen Spirit
Rams at Broncos -4
The Buggles- Video Killed the Head coach…err… I mean the Video Star
Chargers +3 at Colts
Cast of Anchorman’s Afternoon Delight (from the funniest movie ever set in San Diego)
49ers at Cardinals +1
REM’s It’s the End of the World (These two awful teams playing on MNF might just be the 5th sign of the apocolype)
Thursday 1-2
Last Week 9-7
Year 89-70-4
Each of this week’s picks comes with a music video that best exemplifies that game.
Remember, my picks for the losing team in bold
Vikings PK at Redskins
Def Leppard’s Photograph
Steelers at Bills +6.5
Bob Marley’s Buffalo Soldier
Titans at Texans -6.5
Jay Z’s Forever Young (Get it Fisher)
Jaguars +7 at Giants
Ryan Adam’s New York, New York (An underappreciated New York Anthem)
Panthers +10 at Browns
The Presidents of the United States’ Cleveland Rocks (Just not in sports)
Bucs +7.5 at Ravens
Randy Newman’s Baltimore
Eagles -3.5 at Bears
’85 Chicago Bears Super Bowl Shuffle (Feels like a long time ago huh Bears fans)
Packers +2.5 at Falcons
Ray Charles’ Georgia on my Mind
Dolphins at Oakland -3
Jimmy Buffet’s Fins
Chiefs at Seattle +1.5
Nirvana’s Smells Like Teen Spirit
Rams at Broncos -4
The Buggles- Video Killed the Head coach…err… I mean the Video Star
Chargers +3 at Colts
Cast of Anchorman’s Afternoon Delight (from the funniest movie ever set in San Diego)
49ers at Cardinals +1
REM’s It’s the End of the World (These two awful teams playing on MNF might just be the 5th sign of the apocolype)
Thursday 1-2
Last Week 9-7
Year 89-70-4
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Thanks Football!
The top ten things every football fan should be thankful for this Thanksgiving:
10. The NFL puts the safety and well being of its players on the top of their priority list, just behind having them play more games and paying them less money.
9. Roger Goodell burning all the tapes from the Patriots’ Spygate. This way we fans will not be burdened with the knowledge of what was really videotaped.
8. Parody. At the start of the season, every team has a legitimate chance of making the playoffs …or finishing in last place.
7. Gus Johnson calling games.
6. The Colts and Patriots having to play each other every season.
5. The Lions and Bills not having to play each other every season.
4. The NFL’s logical fine system.
Illegal hit during the run of play = $75,000 fine
Assault and battery after the play is over = $25,000 (least the hit wasn’t to the head. Oh wait, it was.)
3. It is the best soap opera on TV since Melrose Place got cancelled. See all the over the top melodrama that goes on between games. See- Vikings, Favre, Fisher v. Young, TO, Rex Ryan, etc.
2. Post game press conference meltdowns!
1. Not one, not two, but three football games on Thursday gives you three opportunities to ignore your family during Thanksgiving.
There is one more thing to be thankful for- my picks! Staying with my theme this year, the losing team is in bold
Patriots at Lions +7
Saints at Cowboys +3.5
Bengals +9 at Jets
10. The NFL puts the safety and well being of its players on the top of their priority list, just behind having them play more games and paying them less money.
9. Roger Goodell burning all the tapes from the Patriots’ Spygate. This way we fans will not be burdened with the knowledge of what was really videotaped.
8. Parody. At the start of the season, every team has a legitimate chance of making the playoffs …or finishing in last place.
7. Gus Johnson calling games.
6. The Colts and Patriots having to play each other every season.
5. The Lions and Bills not having to play each other every season.
4. The NFL’s logical fine system.
Illegal hit during the run of play = $75,000 fine
Assault and battery after the play is over = $25,000 (least the hit wasn’t to the head. Oh wait, it was.)
3. It is the best soap opera on TV since Melrose Place got cancelled. See all the over the top melodrama that goes on between games. See- Vikings, Favre, Fisher v. Young, TO, Rex Ryan, etc.
2. Post game press conference meltdowns!
1. Not one, not two, but three football games on Thursday gives you three opportunities to ignore your family during Thanksgiving.
There is one more thing to be thankful for- my picks! Staying with my theme this year, the losing team is in bold
Patriots at Lions +7
Saints at Cowboys +3.5
Bengals +9 at Jets
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Week 11- Why read stories when you have Headlines
I am like most American in that I have a very busy schedule. As I spend my dedicated 12 hours per day web surfing, I do not have time to read the actual article. I just scan the headline. I am sure I get all the in-depth coverage I need from those bold font titles.
So for this week’s game, forget about watching the game. My predicted post game headlines tell you everything you need to know.
My picks for the losing side are in bold. I might listen to me if I were me, since I went 11-3 last week.
Al Davis awakens to find Raiders in first place, believe he is living in 1977.
Raiders +7.5 at Steelers
Texans fall behind early. Comeback halted by [insert interception, fumble, bear eating team]
Texans at Jets -6.5
Coach Fox gets ice cream vendor to QB for 4th quarter
Ravens -11 at Panthers
Redskins improve from “embarrassment” to “just getting beat.”
Redskins +7 at Titans
Tony Who? Kitna stakes claim to be the future of Cowboys, says inebriated Jones.
Lions at Cowboys -6
Favre blames sore tonsils for 5 interception game
Packers -3 at Vikings
Bills forfeit game. Figure last week’s win was only one they were getting for the year.
Bills at Bengals -5
Jaguars blame Josh McDaniels for loss- “What kind of idiots trade Peyton Hillis?”
Browns +2 at Jaguars
Todd Haley refuses to shake Wisenhunt’s hand. Claims Cardinals should have armed tackled instead of wrapping up.
Cardinals +8 at Chiefs
Since he gave up Heisman, Bush ask Carroll to give up bonuses earned during 2005 season
Seahawks +11.5 at Saints
Rams play “California Dreamin’” after every touchdown. Is this a subtle hint?
Falcons -3 at Rams
Singletary finally get around to blaming God for loses
Bucs +3.5 at 49ers
Manning wins despite having cast of “Big World, Little People” as his receiving corp.
Colts +4 at Patriots
Vick morphs into his Madden Avatar. Gets sucked into the world of Tron.
Giants at Eagles -3.5
Babies demand River stop pouting. Says give them a bad name.
Broncos +9.5 at Chargers
Thursday 1-0
Last Week 11-3
Year 80-61-4
So for this week’s game, forget about watching the game. My predicted post game headlines tell you everything you need to know.
My picks for the losing side are in bold. I might listen to me if I were me, since I went 11-3 last week.
Al Davis awakens to find Raiders in first place, believe he is living in 1977.
Raiders +7.5 at Steelers
Texans fall behind early. Comeback halted by [insert interception, fumble, bear eating team]
Texans at Jets -6.5
Coach Fox gets ice cream vendor to QB for 4th quarter
Ravens -11 at Panthers
Redskins improve from “embarrassment” to “just getting beat.”
Redskins +7 at Titans
Tony Who? Kitna stakes claim to be the future of Cowboys, says inebriated Jones.
Lions at Cowboys -6
Favre blames sore tonsils for 5 interception game
Packers -3 at Vikings
Bills forfeit game. Figure last week’s win was only one they were getting for the year.
Bills at Bengals -5
Jaguars blame Josh McDaniels for loss- “What kind of idiots trade Peyton Hillis?”
Browns +2 at Jaguars
Todd Haley refuses to shake Wisenhunt’s hand. Claims Cardinals should have armed tackled instead of wrapping up.
Cardinals +8 at Chiefs
Since he gave up Heisman, Bush ask Carroll to give up bonuses earned during 2005 season
Seahawks +11.5 at Saints
Rams play “California Dreamin’” after every touchdown. Is this a subtle hint?
Falcons -3 at Rams
Singletary finally get around to blaming God for loses
Bucs +3.5 at 49ers
Manning wins despite having cast of “Big World, Little People” as his receiving corp.
Colts +4 at Patriots
Vick morphs into his Madden Avatar. Gets sucked into the world of Tron.
Giants at Eagles -3.5
Babies demand River stop pouting. Says give them a bad name.
Broncos +9.5 at Chargers
Thursday 1-0
Last Week 11-3
Year 80-61-4
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Are you a true fan of Dolphins or Bears?
Five signs you are a true Bears fan:
1. You have the same hairdo as Brian Urlacher…and you are a woman.
2. You seriously believe Jay Cutler can lead the team to the Super Bowl this year.
3. You seriously believe Jay Cutler will finish the season will full use of all his limbs.
4. The Super Bowl Shuffle is on you iPod…and it’s the only song on your iPod.
5. You have petitioned the Vatican to canonize Mike Ditka.
1. You have the same hairdo as Brian Urlacher…and you are a woman.
2. You seriously believe Jay Cutler can lead the team to the Super Bowl this year.
3. You seriously believe Jay Cutler will finish the season will full use of all his limbs.
4. The Super Bowl Shuffle is on you iPod…and it’s the only song on your iPod.
5. You have petitioned the Vatican to canonize Mike Ditka.
Five (plus one) signs you are a true Dolphins fan
1. You have gotten in a fist fight defending the fact that Dan Marino is a winner.
2. The Dolphin fight song was also your wedding song.
3. You completely agree with that 8 year old kid getting tackled for wearing a Jets jersey…and you would have done it yourself if you had the chance.
4. You still call the stadium “Joe Robbie Stadium.”
5. You seriously believe that Greg Camarillo should have his jersey retired for scoring the winning touchdown that kept the Fins from going 0-16 in 2007.
6.- You are going to jinx the Fins’ Thursday night opponent by picking the Bears plus the 1.5 for the game.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Week 10- Coming Attractions
For each game this week, the NFL has requested that we come up with the one line preview that pops up on TV screens when you hit INFO on your remote.
Actually they didn’t technically ask me, but they also did not say not to do it so I take that as being as good as a request. As you can imagine, this kind of logic has gotten me in quite a bit of hot water in several US states and territories.
Just like for TV shows and movies, I’ve made these recaps more entertaining than the actual games will be.
My picks for the losing team is in bold.
Bengals +7 at Colts
Two former partners (Palmer and Ochocinco) find a way to rekindle their romance despite the fact the QB WONT THROW HIM THE DAMN BALL!
Texans +1.5 at Jaguars
It’s a fight against time as the stadium scoreboard operator tries to find enough bulbs to light up triple digits for each team’s score.
Titans at Dolphins +1.5
A washed up former QB is forced out of retirement by a desperate coach to save the team…and his job.
Vikings -1 at Bears
Remake of classic “Mutiny on the Bounty.” The crew of the SS Vikings throw their captain overboard and they live in exile lead by Fletcher Christian (Favre)
Lions at Bills -2.5
Stranded in a lifeless ice world, the Bills are forced into a fierce battle to preserve a last shred of dignity or else continue toward a winless season.
Jets -3 at Browns
By calling all out blitzes and setting bounties on kickers, two brothers battle for the love and respect of their crazed father.
Panthers at Bucs -7
A plucky band of Buccaneers rally together and play their hearts out in a desperate attempt to get the local townsfolk to notice them.
Chiefs at Broncos +1
Despite making a long series of idiotic mistakes, a bumbling head coach leads his team to one more chance not to embarrass itself.
Rams +6 at 49ers
A down on his luck head coach (Singletary) spends a Sunday afternoon pining after a quality young QB (Bradford).
Seahawks +3.5 at Cardinals
No one is safe as these two horrific teams combine to set the quality of professional football back 40 years.
Cowboys +14 at Giants
A group of overpaid, underachieving Cowboys band together to prove once and for all they are overpaid and underachieving
Patriots +4.5 at Steelers
House (Belichick) and Foreman (Tomlin) clash over the best way to remove a patient’s head from his ass. (Roethlisberger)
Eagles -3 at Redskins
The noble prince Donovan tries to break free from the dungeon he has been exiled to by the evil king Shanahan.
Thursday 1-0
Last Week 6-7
Year 69-58-4
Actually they didn’t technically ask me, but they also did not say not to do it so I take that as being as good as a request. As you can imagine, this kind of logic has gotten me in quite a bit of hot water in several US states and territories.
Just like for TV shows and movies, I’ve made these recaps more entertaining than the actual games will be.
My picks for the losing team is in bold.
Bengals +7 at Colts
Two former partners (Palmer and Ochocinco) find a way to rekindle their romance despite the fact the QB WONT THROW HIM THE DAMN BALL!
Texans +1.5 at Jaguars
It’s a fight against time as the stadium scoreboard operator tries to find enough bulbs to light up triple digits for each team’s score.
Titans at Dolphins +1.5
A washed up former QB is forced out of retirement by a desperate coach to save the team…and his job.
Vikings -1 at Bears
Remake of classic “Mutiny on the Bounty.” The crew of the SS Vikings throw their captain overboard and they live in exile lead by Fletcher Christian (Favre)
Lions at Bills -2.5
Stranded in a lifeless ice world, the Bills are forced into a fierce battle to preserve a last shred of dignity or else continue toward a winless season.
Jets -3 at Browns
By calling all out blitzes and setting bounties on kickers, two brothers battle for the love and respect of their crazed father.
Panthers at Bucs -7
A plucky band of Buccaneers rally together and play their hearts out in a desperate attempt to get the local townsfolk to notice them.
Chiefs at Broncos +1
Despite making a long series of idiotic mistakes, a bumbling head coach leads his team to one more chance not to embarrass itself.
Rams +6 at 49ers
A down on his luck head coach (Singletary) spends a Sunday afternoon pining after a quality young QB (Bradford).
Seahawks +3.5 at Cardinals
No one is safe as these two horrific teams combine to set the quality of professional football back 40 years.
Cowboys +14 at Giants
A group of overpaid, underachieving Cowboys band together to prove once and for all they are overpaid and underachieving
Patriots +4.5 at Steelers
House (Belichick) and Foreman (Tomlin) clash over the best way to remove a patient’s head from his ass. (Roethlisberger)
Eagles -3 at Redskins
The noble prince Donovan tries to break free from the dungeon he has been exiled to by the evil king Shanahan.
Thursday 1-0
Last Week 6-7
Year 69-58-4
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Thursday Night Drinking Game
Football is a fun and exciting sport to watch, but no event is so exciting that adding alcohol to it doesn’t make it infinitely better.
For this reason, I give you tonight’s drinking game rules. For those of you not familiar with the drinking game (aka Mormons), you simply chug a beer or down a shot every time the following is either said or done. Here are Thursday’s five rules.
1. For every speculation made on how much the fine and/or suspension will be for a hit on a receiver.
2. The announcer mentions “Ray Lewis has still got it” or “Ray Lewis plays the right way.” (special five shot bonus if an announcer says Lewis “knifed” through the line.)
3. “Matt Ryan” and “cool” are mentioned in the same sentence.
4. The camera cuts to Falcons owner Arthur Blank and they mention Michael Vick (It’s like you can’t show Jennifer Anniston without mentioning Brad Pitt, or show Charlie Sheen without mentioning hooker.)
5. Every time the Dallas Cowboys are mentioned. (Even though they are not playing in this game and are completely out of the playoff race, they will get talked about more than the Falcons.)
If you have not passed out by halftime, you have not been paying attention to the game.
As for my pick, the Ravens will lose this game by more than 1 point.
Drink up!
For this reason, I give you tonight’s drinking game rules. For those of you not familiar with the drinking game (aka Mormons), you simply chug a beer or down a shot every time the following is either said or done. Here are Thursday’s five rules.
1. For every speculation made on how much the fine and/or suspension will be for a hit on a receiver.
2. The announcer mentions “Ray Lewis has still got it” or “Ray Lewis plays the right way.” (special five shot bonus if an announcer says Lewis “knifed” through the line.)
3. “Matt Ryan” and “cool” are mentioned in the same sentence.
4. The camera cuts to Falcons owner Arthur Blank and they mention Michael Vick (It’s like you can’t show Jennifer Anniston without mentioning Brad Pitt, or show Charlie Sheen without mentioning hooker.)
5. Every time the Dallas Cowboys are mentioned. (Even though they are not playing in this game and are completely out of the playoff race, they will get talked about more than the Falcons.)
If you have not passed out by halftime, you have not been paying attention to the game.
As for my pick, the Ravens will lose this game by more than 1 point.
Drink up!
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Week 9- The buck stops no where near here!
When I judge a NFL coach, I have only one criterion- The quality of his excuse for losing.
Our leaders, from sports to politics, always start their concession speeches with “I take full responsibility for…” Then by the next sentence, they are grabbing people by their shirt collars and tossing them right under the proverbial bus.
And I respect that. It’s easy to take the blame. I say “I’m sorry” about 115 times a day. But I think it is a far greater and impressive skill to come up with a unique and creative way of explaining away one’s failures.
A personal example: I promised my wife I would wash her car. When I did not, she kindly pointed this out to me. I retorted “If President Obama had not sent all that stimulus money for road construction here, your car would not be that dirty and instead I could spend my time stimulating the economy in a much more profound way by playing online poker! Granted it’s the economy of Aruba, but still.” She apologized and quickly wrote a letter to the local editor ripping the President.
Mike Shanahan took it to an All-Pro level this week with his explanation for pulling Donovan McNabb. His brilliant (and ever changing) explanations diverted away from the fact that he has failed to have any semblance of a running game or that his defense gave up over 30 points to the Lions. Mr. Shanahan sir, your neighbors in our nation’s capital could clearly use you advice and counsel.
This week with my picks, I offer the losing head coaches some advice on the best excuse to use for the post game press conference. You’re welcome. As I have done all year, my pick for the losing team are in bold.
Bears -2.5 at Bills
Bills’ excuse- “We’re not use to the time change in Canada.” Note Buffalo and Toronto in same time zone.
Chargers at Texans +2.5
Chargers’ excuse- “We were trying to win a bar bet with some guy who said we couldn’t commit 10 dumb penalties and/or turnovers in one game. Ha! Looks like it's Zimas for us!”
Saints -6.5 at Panthers
Panthers’ excuse- “It’s Jake Delhomme’s fault. Can we still use that?”
Cardinals +8 at Vikings
Vikings’ excuse- “Favre…. mumble, mumble…turnovers… mumble, mumble…Moss… mumble, mumble…caterer… mumble, mumble…….migraines…mumble, mumble…challenges… mumble, mumble………booze cruise… mumble, mumble…Anyone have boxes for packing?”
Bucs +8.5 at Falcons
Falcons’ excuse- “Buc’s coach Raheem Morris tricked us into believing he was completely clueless. In truth, he is only 90% clueless.”
Jets -4 at Lions
Lions’ excuse- “Hey, we already won two games this year. For us, it’s like we’re the 72 Dolphins.”
Dolphins +5.5 at Ravens
Ravens’ excuse- “The NFL is cramping our style with all these rules about hard hits and shanks to the gut.”
Patriots -4.5 at Browns
Browns’ excuse- “It’s Jake Delhomme’s fault. Or did the Panthers already use that?”
Giants at Seahawks +7
Giants’ excuse- “Even though it was only for a few hours, this rain in Seattle just made us so depressed by the 4th quarters we just wanted a Starbucks laced with Prozac.”
Chiefs +1 at Raiders
Raiders’ excuse- “Playing in front of a sold out home crowd kind of threw us off. It was such a new experience…and a scary one.”
Colts +3 at Eagles
Eagles’ excuse- “We honestly did not believe Peyton Manning could turn the Colts’ towel boy into a 100 yard receiver.”
Cowboys at Packers -7
Cowboys’ excuse- “We ran out of them.”
Steelers at Bengals +4.5
Steelers’ excuse- “The thought of being up close for 3 hours to the T.Ocho Show drove us to forfeit the game.”
Last Week 7-6
Year 62-51-4
Our leaders, from sports to politics, always start their concession speeches with “I take full responsibility for…” Then by the next sentence, they are grabbing people by their shirt collars and tossing them right under the proverbial bus.
And I respect that. It’s easy to take the blame. I say “I’m sorry” about 115 times a day. But I think it is a far greater and impressive skill to come up with a unique and creative way of explaining away one’s failures.
A personal example: I promised my wife I would wash her car. When I did not, she kindly pointed this out to me. I retorted “If President Obama had not sent all that stimulus money for road construction here, your car would not be that dirty and instead I could spend my time stimulating the economy in a much more profound way by playing online poker! Granted it’s the economy of Aruba, but still.” She apologized and quickly wrote a letter to the local editor ripping the President.
Mike Shanahan took it to an All-Pro level this week with his explanation for pulling Donovan McNabb. His brilliant (and ever changing) explanations diverted away from the fact that he has failed to have any semblance of a running game or that his defense gave up over 30 points to the Lions. Mr. Shanahan sir, your neighbors in our nation’s capital could clearly use you advice and counsel.
This week with my picks, I offer the losing head coaches some advice on the best excuse to use for the post game press conference. You’re welcome. As I have done all year, my pick for the losing team are in bold.
Bears -2.5 at Bills
Bills’ excuse- “We’re not use to the time change in Canada.” Note Buffalo and Toronto in same time zone.
Chargers at Texans +2.5
Chargers’ excuse- “We were trying to win a bar bet with some guy who said we couldn’t commit 10 dumb penalties and/or turnovers in one game. Ha! Looks like it's Zimas for us!”
Saints -6.5 at Panthers
Panthers’ excuse- “It’s Jake Delhomme’s fault. Can we still use that?”
Cardinals +8 at Vikings
Vikings’ excuse- “Favre…. mumble, mumble…turnovers… mumble, mumble…Moss… mumble, mumble…caterer… mumble, mumble…….migraines…mumble, mumble…challenges… mumble, mumble………booze cruise… mumble, mumble…Anyone have boxes for packing?”
Bucs +8.5 at Falcons
Falcons’ excuse- “Buc’s coach Raheem Morris tricked us into believing he was completely clueless. In truth, he is only 90% clueless.”
Jets -4 at Lions
Lions’ excuse- “Hey, we already won two games this year. For us, it’s like we’re the 72 Dolphins.”
Dolphins +5.5 at Ravens
Ravens’ excuse- “The NFL is cramping our style with all these rules about hard hits and shanks to the gut.”
Patriots -4.5 at Browns
Browns’ excuse- “It’s Jake Delhomme’s fault. Or did the Panthers already use that?”
Giants at Seahawks +7
Giants’ excuse- “Even though it was only for a few hours, this rain in Seattle just made us so depressed by the 4th quarters we just wanted a Starbucks laced with Prozac.”
Chiefs +1 at Raiders
Raiders’ excuse- “Playing in front of a sold out home crowd kind of threw us off. It was such a new experience…and a scary one.”
Colts +3 at Eagles
Eagles’ excuse- “We honestly did not believe Peyton Manning could turn the Colts’ towel boy into a 100 yard receiver.”
Cowboys at Packers -7
Cowboys’ excuse- “We ran out of them.”
Steelers at Bengals +4.5
Steelers’ excuse- “The thought of being up close for 3 hours to the T.Ocho Show drove us to forfeit the game.”
Last Week 7-6
Year 62-51-4
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Week 8- I doth pick'em
The sound you hear is the Bard spinning and cursing in his grave. Thank goodness he doesn’t have access to a lawyer.
As always, my picks for the losing team is in bold.
Broncos +2 at 49ers
Singletary was once a great backer
By next week he’ll be an office packer
Jaguars at Cowboys -6.5
Cowboy fans cry ‘bout the hurtin’ Romo
Next year they’ll wail ‘bout head coach Del Rio
Redskins +2.5 at Lions
The Lions are locks to cover as dogs
But once favored, bet the bank on the Hogs
Packers +6 at Jets
Logic doth tell me to go with the Jets
Hatred prevents me so lose will my bets
Panthers at Rams -3
A broke finger may keep Jackson from game
Hall Famer Ron Lott doth think this is lame
Dolphins +2 at Bengals
Dolphins be cursed when they have home cooking
Bengals can’t win when Carson is throwing
Bills at Chiefs -7.5
Last game did the Bills look good when they led
Ugly shall they be at new Arrowhead
Titans at Chargers -3.5
As sure as the sun doth rise in the East
Chargers will win in the AFC Least
Bucs at Cardinals -3
Oh Kurt, Oh Warner, please come back and play
No chance there is Max Hall lasts through Sunday
Seattle +2 at Raiders
Quiet lest you awake sleeping old Al
Should he arise he shall fire Cable
Vikings at Patriots -6.5
Many a joke I can make ‘bout this pick
Refrain I shall since it’ll end with a ____
Steelers at Saints -1
Orleans be alit on All Hallow’s Eve
No way Pittsburgh shall get’ Big Ben to leave
Texans at Colts -5.5
If total be twenty take the over
On number of times Gruden doth slobber
Last Week 6-8
Year 55-45-4
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Week 7- Suspensions
The NFL is flexing its 42 inch pythons once again. After a weekend of particularly brutal hits that left players concussed and NFL execs with arthritis from all their hand wringing, the league is going to start doling out suspensions for players who commit illegal hits. I blame Rodney Harrison for this. He admitted on Sunday Night Football that fines never concerned him when he was playing. It was the time he was suspended from games that hurt him the most. (What’s funny about this, he was not suspended for dirty hits, but for using PEDs. Funny, no one on the set mentioned this.)
Well Rodney, thanks for completely ruining it for the future generations of head hunters.
But since the NFL is at it, I have a few suggestions of other offenses that should lead to immediate suspensions.
Any offensive player who is playing at home and is called for illegal motion. You were just told the count 10 seconds ago. The crowd is quiet since you are at home and YOU STILL MOVE BEFORE THE SNAP. That’s just dumb.
Any coach who calls a timeout right before the of a field goal attempt in which the kick still gets off. This is just petty and kind of nerdy. Its like when the geeky kid who would call time out during dodgeball just because he was bleeding profusely from the nose and lip. These coaches just need to let it play continue…unless the blood loss causes unconsciousness.
Any referee who takes longer than 2 minutes to review a call. I swear that refs are scarfing down a hot dog and nachos under that hood. It is the only explanation for the length of time they take to make a review call when the rest of us can see the play clearly.
Any player who celebrates a first down when his team is losing by 10 or more points. Let’s call this the “Roy Williams Rule.”
Any receiver who immediately calls for a flag after an incomplete pass. As soon as the ball gets past them, they start looking around and tossing up their hand like they are sprinkling the air with confetti. This is just like soccer player who raise their hands for offside as the opponent is blasting by them to score. In both cases, it is insane since the ref is going not going to call based on your histrionics…they are going to call it based on who paid them off the most before the game. Duh.
The NFL needs to apply these rules this weekend!
Sticking with my warped system for 2010, my pick for the losing team is in bold.
Steelers -3 at Dolphins
Bengals at Falcons -3.5
Jaguars +9.5 at Chiefs
Eagles +3 at Titans
Redskins at Bears -2.5
Browns at Saints -13
Bills at Ravens -13
49ers at Panthers +3
Rams at Bucs -3
Cardinals at Seahawks -6
Patriots +2.5 at Chargers
Raiders +8 at Broncos
Vikings at Packers -2.5
Giants at Cowboys -3
Last Week 7-5-2
Year 49-37-4
Well Rodney, thanks for completely ruining it for the future generations of head hunters.
But since the NFL is at it, I have a few suggestions of other offenses that should lead to immediate suspensions.
Any offensive player who is playing at home and is called for illegal motion. You were just told the count 10 seconds ago. The crowd is quiet since you are at home and YOU STILL MOVE BEFORE THE SNAP. That’s just dumb.
Any coach who calls a timeout right before the of a field goal attempt in which the kick still gets off. This is just petty and kind of nerdy. Its like when the geeky kid who would call time out during dodgeball just because he was bleeding profusely from the nose and lip. These coaches just need to let it play continue…unless the blood loss causes unconsciousness.
Any referee who takes longer than 2 minutes to review a call. I swear that refs are scarfing down a hot dog and nachos under that hood. It is the only explanation for the length of time they take to make a review call when the rest of us can see the play clearly.
Any player who celebrates a first down when his team is losing by 10 or more points. Let’s call this the “Roy Williams Rule.”
Any receiver who immediately calls for a flag after an incomplete pass. As soon as the ball gets past them, they start looking around and tossing up their hand like they are sprinkling the air with confetti. This is just like soccer player who raise their hands for offside as the opponent is blasting by them to score. In both cases, it is insane since the ref is going not going to call based on your histrionics…they are going to call it based on who paid them off the most before the game. Duh.
The NFL needs to apply these rules this weekend!
Sticking with my warped system for 2010, my pick for the losing team is in bold.
Steelers -3 at Dolphins
Bengals at Falcons -3.5
Jaguars +9.5 at Chiefs
Eagles +3 at Titans
Redskins at Bears -2.5
Browns at Saints -13
Bills at Ravens -13
49ers at Panthers +3
Rams at Bucs -3
Cardinals at Seahawks -6
Patriots +2.5 at Chargers
Raiders +8 at Broncos
Vikings at Packers -2.5
Giants at Cowboys -3
Last Week 7-5-2
Year 49-37-4
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Week 6- The .00001% Chance
Modern technology
+
Testosterone Based Thinking
=
Uncomfortable Talking Points for ESPN’s SportsCenter
In the past year or so, it seems we have a growing epidemic on our hands of male athletes and the inappropriate use of modern communication device. (Bonus game- count the number of double entendres in that sentence.)
People have expressed dismay at the boorish behavior of our modern day sports heroes. This shock is akin to Captain Renault’s shock that there was gambling going on at Rick’s. This should not come as a shock since all men, from pro athletes to road side construction crews, share the same decision making process. When a man is presented with a choice (any choice), he goes though the Male Decision Making Model. The model can be applied to any situation a man could face. It consists of asking himself the following set of questions:
1. Is this the best thing for me and my family?
2. Would this increase the percentage likelihood of me getting laid?
3. Is that percentage increase higher than .00001%?
4. I forgot. What was that first question?
It’s really that simple. Take the alleged incident involving a certain NFL QB. Most of the people I speak with say “Why the hell would he take photos of his “person” and send it over the phone? Did he really think this would impress her?”
The answer is “Yes, he did.” Seriously, using the .00001% threshold, you could see there being that percentage chance of a woman opening a text message with such a photo and thinking “Oh my! That’s the most romantic thing I’ve seen since ‘The Notebook.’” Remember, there are women out there willing marry serial killers…even after they have been convicted.
I completely understand how this scenario could have played out. Our QB hero sees an attractive woman. Later that night, he has a cell phone in his hand. While playing Tetrus on the phone, he accidentally discovers it can take photos and those photos can be texted. A light bulb goes off. As he changes that light bulb, an idea pops in his head. “What if I took snapshots of my “Joe Willie” and sent it to her. That’ll get her to come over.” Now, he’s not really sure if this is a good idea so he goes through the questions of the Male Decision Making Model:
1. Is this the best thing for me and my family?
“Umm, maybe, just maybe, my wife of 20+ years would not understand.”
2. Would this increase the percentage likelihood of me getting laid?
“Not sure. Have to do the calculations.”
In order to figure out the percentage increase, he takes out a sheet of paper and pencil to do the complex algebraic equation that only men know to do since it was taught to them when the guys were seperated from the girls in the special week of helath education.
3. Is that percentage increase higher than .00001%?
“Hey, it is higher than .00001%
(Secret tip: The equation always comes out higher than .00001%)
4. I forgot. What was that first question?
“I forgot. What was that first question?”
Suddenly, he puts on his Crocs, drops his draws and says cheese.
I hope this explanation helps clear up to you why a 40 year old man who has a beautiful wife and children, is adored my millions of fans, and makes millions more in product endorsements would risk it by taking photographic images of his private parts and send it to an unsuspecting woman. Allegedly.
____
Last week, I repeated my performance of the week earlier and went 8-6 on my picks. If I keep up this pace, I will eke out just enough profit this season to pay down my gambling debt from the baseball season.
As usual, I am picking the losing side, so the losers are in bold.
Chargers at Rams +8.5
Chiefs at Texans -4
Ravens +2.5 at Patriots
Saints -4.5 at Bucs
Falcons at Eagles -2.5
Lions +10 at Giants
Seahawks and Bears -6
Dolphins +3 at Packers
Browns at Steelers -14
Jets at Broncos +3.5
Raiders +7 at 49ers
Cowboys +1.5 at Vikings
Colts -3 at Redskins
Titans -3 at Jaguars
Last Week 8-6
Year 42-32-2
+
Testosterone Based Thinking
=
Uncomfortable Talking Points for ESPN’s SportsCenter
In the past year or so, it seems we have a growing epidemic on our hands of male athletes and the inappropriate use of modern communication device. (Bonus game- count the number of double entendres in that sentence.)
People have expressed dismay at the boorish behavior of our modern day sports heroes. This shock is akin to Captain Renault’s shock that there was gambling going on at Rick’s. This should not come as a shock since all men, from pro athletes to road side construction crews, share the same decision making process. When a man is presented with a choice (any choice), he goes though the Male Decision Making Model. The model can be applied to any situation a man could face. It consists of asking himself the following set of questions:
1. Is this the best thing for me and my family?
2. Would this increase the percentage likelihood of me getting laid?
3. Is that percentage increase higher than .00001%?
4. I forgot. What was that first question?
It’s really that simple. Take the alleged incident involving a certain NFL QB. Most of the people I speak with say “Why the hell would he take photos of his “person” and send it over the phone? Did he really think this would impress her?”
The answer is “Yes, he did.” Seriously, using the .00001% threshold, you could see there being that percentage chance of a woman opening a text message with such a photo and thinking “Oh my! That’s the most romantic thing I’ve seen since ‘The Notebook.’” Remember, there are women out there willing marry serial killers…even after they have been convicted.
I completely understand how this scenario could have played out. Our QB hero sees an attractive woman. Later that night, he has a cell phone in his hand. While playing Tetrus on the phone, he accidentally discovers it can take photos and those photos can be texted. A light bulb goes off. As he changes that light bulb, an idea pops in his head. “What if I took snapshots of my “Joe Willie” and sent it to her. That’ll get her to come over.” Now, he’s not really sure if this is a good idea so he goes through the questions of the Male Decision Making Model:
1. Is this the best thing for me and my family?
“Umm, maybe, just maybe, my wife of 20+ years would not understand.”
2. Would this increase the percentage likelihood of me getting laid?
“Not sure. Have to do the calculations.”
In order to figure out the percentage increase, he takes out a sheet of paper and pencil to do the complex algebraic equation that only men know to do since it was taught to them when the guys were seperated from the girls in the special week of helath education.
3. Is that percentage increase higher than .00001%?
“Hey, it is higher than .00001%
(Secret tip: The equation always comes out higher than .00001%)
4. I forgot. What was that first question?
“I forgot. What was that first question?”
Suddenly, he puts on his Crocs, drops his draws and says cheese.
I hope this explanation helps clear up to you why a 40 year old man who has a beautiful wife and children, is adored my millions of fans, and makes millions more in product endorsements would risk it by taking photographic images of his private parts and send it to an unsuspecting woman. Allegedly.
____
Last week, I repeated my performance of the week earlier and went 8-6 on my picks. If I keep up this pace, I will eke out just enough profit this season to pay down my gambling debt from the baseball season.
As usual, I am picking the losing side, so the losers are in bold.
Chargers at Rams +8.5
Chiefs at Texans -4
Ravens +2.5 at Patriots
Saints -4.5 at Bucs
Falcons at Eagles -2.5
Lions +10 at Giants
Seahawks and Bears -6
Dolphins +3 at Packers
Browns at Steelers -14
Jets at Broncos +3.5
Raiders +7 at 49ers
Cowboys +1.5 at Vikings
Colts -3 at Redskins
Titans -3 at Jaguars
Last Week 8-6
Year 42-32-2
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Week 5- Shocking News
This week, we had a bombshell of a news story slap us across the cheek.
Allegedly, some aging superstar QB sent an attractive contract employee of an NFL team some lurid and suggestive messages along with photographic evidence that he was, in fact, a man. Storm clouds are brewing as the coverage of this story grows and certain image conscious sport/entertainment networks decide to report on it.
This story could end up be very, very bad for this QB. Of course, it got me thinking of other made up stories that, if they were alleged, could have even greater shock and awe value.
Tony Dungy secretly own three brothels in Nevada.
Jim Caldwell calls all of the Colts offensive plays and Peyton is just is puppet.
Those messages and pics mentioned above were really intended to be sent to Brad Childress
TO and Ochocinco get married on a special VH1 crossover episode of their two reality shows.
In order to recuperate from his torn ACL so quickly and effectively, Wes Welker sold over 75% equity ownership of his soul to the devil.
The Dolphins Special Teams unit had pooled all their paychecks and bet on the Patriots last week.
Aaron Rodgers and Ryan from “The Office” are, in fact, the same person.
When they go under the hood to “review a play,” the referee is really speaking to John Madden and he tells him what call to make.
The NFL’s decision to expand to 18 games had to do with satisfying fans and nothing to do with money.
After another winning week, I am not going to buck my trend of picking the losing side. Losers are in bold.
Broncos at Ravens -7.5
Jaguars +1 at Bills
Chiefs at Colts -7
Rams at Lions -3
Falcons -3 at Browns
Bucs at Bengals-6.5
Bears +2.5 at Panthers
Packers -3 at Redskins
Giants at Texans -3
Saints -7 at Cardinals
Chargers -6.5 at Raiders
Titans +7 at Cowboys
Eagles at 49ers -3.5
Vikings at Jets -4
Last Week 8-6
Year 34-26-2
This story could end up be very, very bad for this QB. Of course, it got me thinking of other made up stories that, if they were alleged, could have even greater shock and awe value.
Tony Dungy secretly own three brothels in Nevada.
Jim Caldwell calls all of the Colts offensive plays and Peyton is just is puppet.
Those messages and pics mentioned above were really intended to be sent to Brad Childress
TO and Ochocinco get married on a special VH1 crossover episode of their two reality shows.
In order to recuperate from his torn ACL so quickly and effectively, Wes Welker sold over 75% equity ownership of his soul to the devil.
The Dolphins Special Teams unit had pooled all their paychecks and bet on the Patriots last week.
Aaron Rodgers and Ryan from “The Office” are, in fact, the same person.
When they go under the hood to “review a play,” the referee is really speaking to John Madden and he tells him what call to make.
The NFL’s decision to expand to 18 games had to do with satisfying fans and nothing to do with money.
After another winning week, I am not going to buck my trend of picking the losing side. Losers are in bold.
Broncos at Ravens -7.5
Jaguars +1 at Bills
Chiefs at Colts -7
Rams at Lions -3
Falcons -3 at Browns
Bucs at Bengals-6.5
Bears +2.5 at Panthers
Packers -3 at Redskins
Giants at Texans -3
Saints -7 at Cardinals
Chargers -6.5 at Raiders
Titans +7 at Cowboys
Eagles at 49ers -3.5
Vikings at Jets -4
Last Week 8-6
Year 34-26-2
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Week 4- Panic!
It’s week 4 of the NFL, also known as “Holy crap, my team sucks!” week for a good portion of the league.
For Lions fans, this week happened once the 2010 schedule was announced.
I just spent a week in Denver listening to local sports fans bitch and moan over the Broncos ineptness in scoring points, there lack of any hope of a winning season, and the fact their head coach needs to be carded when he picks up a pack of cigs. Their only bright spot for the future has been relegated to third string emergency QB duty. (Yeah, Denver spent the 25th overall pick on a third string QB).
The beauty of football is that, unlike say baseball and basketball, there is not another game in the next day or two to ease one’s nerves. Football fans have a full 6-7 days to allow their anxiety and frustration to grow and ferment like a fine wine or moonshine. During this week, the fans go through the five stages of grief:
Denial
Raiders and Saints fan- “Damn my standard, low definition TV. It makes it look like he missed that kick. Of course he didn’t. No one misses a kick from less than 30 yards.”
Anger
Broncos fan- “How the hell can we put up over 500 yards of offense in a game and score only 17 points. Do you think our idiot head coach would put in for a 4th and goal play the guy holding the clipboard who won a friggin Heisman scoring on one yard plays!”
Bargaining
Lions fan- “Okay. In a month we will get back our starting QB, just in time to play the Bills. At least we will win that game so we don’t repeat 2008.”
Bills fan- “Okay. In a month, we will give up on playing a quarterback and strictly hike it to Spiller, just in time to play the Lions. At least we will win that game so we don’t pull a Lions.”
Depression
Giants Fan- “Oh gawd, dis team sucks. Manning sucks. Coughlin sucks. The defense sucks. Bloomberg sucks. New Jersey sucks. AJ Burnett sucks. My mother-in-law’s lasagna sucks. The traffic on the GW sucks. The Global Initiative on Climate Change sucks. Geez, at least da Knicks aren’t in last place…yet.”
Acceptance
Jaguars fan- “Hey, no worries. This team is going to be Los Angeles’ problem in a couple years.”
I have no reason to feel depressed since last week I found myself back on the winning track by sticking with my system of picking losers. If it ain’t broke…
Below are my picks for Week 4 with the losing side in bold.
Broncos at Titans -6.5
Ravens +2 at Steelers
Bengals -3 at Browns
Lions +14.5 at Packers
Panthers +13.5 at Saints
49ers at Falcons -7
Seahawks at Rams +1
Jets -5.5 at Bills
Colts -7 at Jaguars
Texans -3.5 at Raiders
Cardinals at Chargers -8.5
Redskins +6 at Eagles
Bears +4 at Giants
Patriots at Miami +1
Last Week 10-6
Year 26-20-2
For Lions fans, this week happened once the 2010 schedule was announced.
I just spent a week in Denver listening to local sports fans bitch and moan over the Broncos ineptness in scoring points, there lack of any hope of a winning season, and the fact their head coach needs to be carded when he picks up a pack of cigs. Their only bright spot for the future has been relegated to third string emergency QB duty. (Yeah, Denver spent the 25th overall pick on a third string QB).
The beauty of football is that, unlike say baseball and basketball, there is not another game in the next day or two to ease one’s nerves. Football fans have a full 6-7 days to allow their anxiety and frustration to grow and ferment like a fine wine or moonshine. During this week, the fans go through the five stages of grief:
Denial
Raiders and Saints fan- “Damn my standard, low definition TV. It makes it look like he missed that kick. Of course he didn’t. No one misses a kick from less than 30 yards.”
Anger
Broncos fan- “How the hell can we put up over 500 yards of offense in a game and score only 17 points. Do you think our idiot head coach would put in for a 4th and goal play the guy holding the clipboard who won a friggin Heisman scoring on one yard plays!”
Bargaining
Lions fan- “Okay. In a month we will get back our starting QB, just in time to play the Bills. At least we will win that game so we don’t repeat 2008.”
Bills fan- “Okay. In a month, we will give up on playing a quarterback and strictly hike it to Spiller, just in time to play the Lions. At least we will win that game so we don’t pull a Lions.”
Depression
Giants Fan- “Oh gawd, dis team sucks. Manning sucks. Coughlin sucks. The defense sucks. Bloomberg sucks. New Jersey sucks. AJ Burnett sucks. My mother-in-law’s lasagna sucks. The traffic on the GW sucks. The Global Initiative on Climate Change sucks. Geez, at least da Knicks aren’t in last place…yet.”
Acceptance
Jaguars fan- “Hey, no worries. This team is going to be Los Angeles’ problem in a couple years.”
I have no reason to feel depressed since last week I found myself back on the winning track by sticking with my system of picking losers. If it ain’t broke…
Below are my picks for Week 4 with the losing side in bold.
Broncos at Titans -6.5
Ravens +2 at Steelers
Bengals -3 at Browns
Lions +14.5 at Packers
Panthers +13.5 at Saints
49ers at Falcons -7
Seahawks at Rams +1
Jets -5.5 at Bills
Colts -7 at Jaguars
Texans -3.5 at Raiders
Cardinals at Chargers -8.5
Redskins +6 at Eagles
Bears +4 at Giants
Patriots at Miami +1
Last Week 10-6
Year 26-20-2
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Week 3- Things I Would Change
My relationship with the NFL is not unlike a girlfriend to a boyfriend. Yes, I love it. I think it’s wonderful and just perfect the way it is, but….. just like anything you love, you just can’t help but want to change it completely.
There have been plenty of outcries for change to the overtime rules or to safety issues or the replay system. I’ll leave those complaints to the people who just want superficial change. I propose some fundamental changes that will completely alter the sport as we know while adding some spice to our relationship. And no, I do not mean having the NFL dress up like a nurse and me role playing as Rush Limbaugh begging for OxyContin.
Here are a few ideas I humbly suggest Roger Goodell employs. While I’m not going to leave the NFL if they refuse make these changes, I might have a few more “headaches” during Monday Night Football if they ignore me.
No field goals inside the 20 yard line and do away with kicking extra points
Field goals of less than 37 yards are becoming nearly automatic. Extra point misses are so rare and require such a choke job that my fantasy league penalizes 10 points for a missed PAT. Sure eliminating the short field would mean teams like the Raiders would be shut out half the year. But really why should we pull Sebastian Janikowski away from his Stoli and tonic for anything less than a chip shot.
Have a former player or coach from each team be the TV color commentators.
I thought it was cool during the World Cup that we had announcers that openly rooted for the US. It was also pretty neat when the studio analyst from different countries openly cheered for their respective nations. Look, we know Troy Aikman pulls for the Cowboys. Heck, I’d be disappointed if he didn’t. Why make him hide. Come out of the closet Troy! Pair him up with John Riggins for the next Cowboys/Redskins game and I promise not to turn down the volume on the TV. (like I usually do we he calls a game)
No more 2 minute warning.
Give each team an extra timeout they can blow uselessly earlier in the game. Also, this would eliminate certain rules that only apply for the last 2 minutes of a game. Isn’t that idea inherently stupid. If the rule is important enough for crunch time in a game, wouldn’t it be important for the other 58 minutes. (of course, this idea works soooo well for the NBA and NHL)
Have both teams’ cheerleaders at each game.
First off, why limit the ogling to only one set of cheerleaders when you can have twice the eye candy at a game. Do you mean to tell me opposing fans are going to loudly boo scantily clad women gyrating in front of them?
Allow cheerleaders to openly date players… both on their team and opposing teams.
You think Ines Sainz’s appearance at practice caused players to act like fools. Think of players sharing a sideline which their girlfriends, wannabe girlfriends, or girls that have restraining order out against them. Imagine playing in front of your fiancée while your “lady friend” is also on the field cheering for the other team. As an added bonus, we would give those useless sideline reporters a new and exciting purpose. Imagine Tony Siragusa interviewing a cheerleader.
Tony: “Your boyfriend is playing like he’s on fire today.”
Cheerleader: “Yeah, it might be because before kickoff I told him I am pregnant.”
Tony: “I’m sure he’s ecstatic.”
Cheerleader: “…with the other team’s quarterback’s baby.”
Tony: “I think we might have a fatality in today’s game. Back to you in the booth.”
For more great ideas, see my picks for the week. Last Week I went a very unimpressive 7-8-1, but still over .500 for the young year.
I am still sticking to my theme of picking LOSERS this year so the teams in Bold are the one that will lose (versus the spread)
Week 3
Titans at Giants -3
Bills +14 at Patriots
Browns +11 at Ravens
Steelers -3 at Bucs
Bengals -3 at Panthers
Falcons +4 at Saints
49ers -2.5 at Chiefs
Lions +11 at Vikings
Cowboys +3 at Texans
Redskins -3.5 at Rams
Eagles -2.5 at Jaguars
Colts -5.5 at Broncos
Chargers at Seahawks +6
Raiders at Cardinals -4
Jets +2.5 at Dolphins
Packers -3 at Bears
Last Week 7-8-1
Season 16-14-2
There have been plenty of outcries for change to the overtime rules or to safety issues or the replay system. I’ll leave those complaints to the people who just want superficial change. I propose some fundamental changes that will completely alter the sport as we know while adding some spice to our relationship. And no, I do not mean having the NFL dress up like a nurse and me role playing as Rush Limbaugh begging for OxyContin.
Here are a few ideas I humbly suggest Roger Goodell employs. While I’m not going to leave the NFL if they refuse make these changes, I might have a few more “headaches” during Monday Night Football if they ignore me.
No field goals inside the 20 yard line and do away with kicking extra points
Field goals of less than 37 yards are becoming nearly automatic. Extra point misses are so rare and require such a choke job that my fantasy league penalizes 10 points for a missed PAT. Sure eliminating the short field would mean teams like the Raiders would be shut out half the year. But really why should we pull Sebastian Janikowski away from his Stoli and tonic for anything less than a chip shot.
Have a former player or coach from each team be the TV color commentators.
I thought it was cool during the World Cup that we had announcers that openly rooted for the US. It was also pretty neat when the studio analyst from different countries openly cheered for their respective nations. Look, we know Troy Aikman pulls for the Cowboys. Heck, I’d be disappointed if he didn’t. Why make him hide. Come out of the closet Troy! Pair him up with John Riggins for the next Cowboys/Redskins game and I promise not to turn down the volume on the TV. (like I usually do we he calls a game)
No more 2 minute warning.
Give each team an extra timeout they can blow uselessly earlier in the game. Also, this would eliminate certain rules that only apply for the last 2 minutes of a game. Isn’t that idea inherently stupid. If the rule is important enough for crunch time in a game, wouldn’t it be important for the other 58 minutes. (of course, this idea works soooo well for the NBA and NHL)
Have both teams’ cheerleaders at each game.
First off, why limit the ogling to only one set of cheerleaders when you can have twice the eye candy at a game. Do you mean to tell me opposing fans are going to loudly boo scantily clad women gyrating in front of them?
Allow cheerleaders to openly date players… both on their team and opposing teams.
You think Ines Sainz’s appearance at practice caused players to act like fools. Think of players sharing a sideline which their girlfriends, wannabe girlfriends, or girls that have restraining order out against them. Imagine playing in front of your fiancée while your “lady friend” is also on the field cheering for the other team. As an added bonus, we would give those useless sideline reporters a new and exciting purpose. Imagine Tony Siragusa interviewing a cheerleader.
Tony: “Your boyfriend is playing like he’s on fire today.”
Cheerleader: “Yeah, it might be because before kickoff I told him I am pregnant.”
Tony: “I’m sure he’s ecstatic.”
Cheerleader: “…with the other team’s quarterback’s baby.”
Tony: “I think we might have a fatality in today’s game. Back to you in the booth.”
For more great ideas, see my picks for the week. Last Week I went a very unimpressive 7-8-1, but still over .500 for the young year.
I am still sticking to my theme of picking LOSERS this year so the teams in Bold are the one that will lose (versus the spread)
Week 3
Titans at Giants -3
Bills +14 at Patriots
Browns +11 at Ravens
Steelers -3 at Bucs
Bengals -3 at Panthers
Falcons +4 at Saints
49ers -2.5 at Chiefs
Lions +11 at Vikings
Cowboys +3 at Texans
Redskins -3.5 at Rams
Eagles -2.5 at Jaguars
Colts -5.5 at Broncos
Chargers at Seahawks +6
Raiders at Cardinals -4
Jets +2.5 at Dolphins
Packers -3 at Bears
Last Week 7-8-1
Season 16-14-2
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Week 2- Great Moments in Sports (gambling) History
This week’s Great Moments in Sports (gambling) History is brought to you by the American Egg Industry…because eating our eggs is the ultimate gamble.
Week one of the season brought a sports (gambling) highlight from an unlikely source, the Dolphins/Bills game. As with most of week one’s games, the offensive performance by both teams was putrid. The punter had so much playing time I thought I was watching the Rockettes.
But just like the NBA, the real action came in the last two minutes.
The spread on the game mostly fell at the Dolphins as a 3 to 3 ½ point favorite. Nearing the end of the game, the Fins were up by three and it looked as if it would end this way. Especially after a Fins defensive back dropped an easy interception and walk in for a TD. The crowd at my local sports entertainment facility (aka sports book) gave a collective groan of agony. Hands flew up. Hats were thrown to the floor. $1 Buds were chugged down to dull the pain. It was at that moment I realized more that few people had this game as the key to their 3, 4, and 5 team parlays.
Dejectedly, they realized at best they would push this game since there no way the Dolphins offense would put up any more points. What they did not realize was Chan Gailey coaches the Bills. As any one of his previous teams will tell you, Chan is a favorite of the fans…of the other team. And he was about once again about to rise up to the occasion and live up to that reputation.
Crazy like a ferret Chan had plans. When lined up to punt out of the end zone with 2 minutes left in the game, he had his team take a safety. Playing the field position game was a dubious decision at best. Asking Trent Edwards to lead a team to a game winning TD was just dumb. It is like asking Mel Gibson to attend a Seder dinner.
But for all those people holding tickets with the Dolphins at minus 3, it was a gift from the gambling heavens. Needless to say, the Bills would not score again and the Dolphins covered. This latest version of the Orchard Park miracle saved thousands of parlay tickets… that would later be crushed when the Colts lost to the Texans.
That’s this week’s edition of Great Moments in Sports (gambling) History. Brought to you by the American Egg Industry…because only wusses get salmonella.
After going 9-6-1 for week one, I am staying with my method of picking the LOSING team in each game. Here are my picks for Week 2 with the losing team in BOLD.
Week 2
Steelers at Titans -5.5
Dolphins at Vikings -5.5
Cardinals at Falcons -6.5
Ravens -2 at Bengals
Chiefs +1.5 at Browns
Bears +8 at Cowboys
Eagles -5.5 at Lions
Bills at Packers -13
Bucs at Panthers -3.5
Seahawks +3.5 at Denver
Rams +3.5 at Raiders
Texans at Redskins +3
Patriots -2.5 at Jets
Jaguars +7.5 at Chargers
Giants at Colts -5.5
Saints at 49ers +5
Last Week 9-6-1
Season 9-6-1
Week one of the season brought a sports (gambling) highlight from an unlikely source, the Dolphins/Bills game. As with most of week one’s games, the offensive performance by both teams was putrid. The punter had so much playing time I thought I was watching the Rockettes.
But just like the NBA, the real action came in the last two minutes.
The spread on the game mostly fell at the Dolphins as a 3 to 3 ½ point favorite. Nearing the end of the game, the Fins were up by three and it looked as if it would end this way. Especially after a Fins defensive back dropped an easy interception and walk in for a TD. The crowd at my local sports entertainment facility (aka sports book) gave a collective groan of agony. Hands flew up. Hats were thrown to the floor. $1 Buds were chugged down to dull the pain. It was at that moment I realized more that few people had this game as the key to their 3, 4, and 5 team parlays.
Dejectedly, they realized at best they would push this game since there no way the Dolphins offense would put up any more points. What they did not realize was Chan Gailey coaches the Bills. As any one of his previous teams will tell you, Chan is a favorite of the fans…of the other team. And he was about once again about to rise up to the occasion and live up to that reputation.
Crazy like a ferret Chan had plans. When lined up to punt out of the end zone with 2 minutes left in the game, he had his team take a safety. Playing the field position game was a dubious decision at best. Asking Trent Edwards to lead a team to a game winning TD was just dumb. It is like asking Mel Gibson to attend a Seder dinner.
But for all those people holding tickets with the Dolphins at minus 3, it was a gift from the gambling heavens. Needless to say, the Bills would not score again and the Dolphins covered. This latest version of the Orchard Park miracle saved thousands of parlay tickets… that would later be crushed when the Colts lost to the Texans.
That’s this week’s edition of Great Moments in Sports (gambling) History. Brought to you by the American Egg Industry…because only wusses get salmonella.
After going 9-6-1 for week one, I am staying with my method of picking the LOSING team in each game. Here are my picks for Week 2 with the losing team in BOLD.
Week 2
Steelers at Titans -5.5
Dolphins at Vikings -5.5
Cardinals at Falcons -6.5
Ravens -2 at Bengals
Chiefs +1.5 at Browns
Bears +8 at Cowboys
Eagles -5.5 at Lions
Bills at Packers -13
Bucs at Panthers -3.5
Seahawks +3.5 at Denver
Rams +3.5 at Raiders
Texans at Redskins +3
Patriots -2.5 at Jets
Jaguars +7.5 at Chargers
Giants at Colts -5.5
Saints at 49ers +5
Last Week 9-6-1
Season 9-6-1
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Week 1- Things I learned during pre-season
Things I learned during this year pre-season
Mike Shanahan is from Mars and Albert Haynesworth is from Venus.
Rex Ryan is quite a scholar when it come to the many uses of the work F&%k.
Brett Favre will do whatever it takes not to share a room with another man. (which has to be the reason he misses training camp)
The NFL is just looking out for the well being of its players with these new concussion rules. (remember this when they extend the season by 2 games, but ask the players to take less money)
The NFL is just giving the fans what they want by thinking of adding 2 more games. (remember this “giving the fans what they want” when they lock out the players after this season)
Randy Moss’ ability to be content lasts exactly 3 seasons. (This is two seasons longer than TO)
Steeler fans have a surprisingly compassionate ability to forgive quarterbacks who have been accused of sexual assault. The reason might have something to do with Dennis Dixon being the team’s backup.
For all the complaints it is a waste of time, it must not be since many so-called experts picked Green Bay to go to the Super Bowl based on their pre-season performance. (I am one of those so-called experts)
And finally, no matter how many players get arrested, no matter the threats of strikes and lockouts, and no matter how much they charge for games, I am addicted to football. Being without it for these several months had me shaking like two-pack-a-day smoker on a transcontinental flight.
We back NFL Sundays!
Sticking with my theme this week of picking who will lose the game (versus the spread), the LOSING team is in bold
Panthers +6.5 at Giants
Dolphins -3 at Bills
Falcons -2 at Steelers
Lions +6.5 at Bears
Bengals at Pats -5
Browns +2.5 at Bucs
Broncos +3 at Jaguars
Colts -2.5 at Texans
Raiders at Titans -6.5
Packers -3 at Eagles
49ers -3 at Seahawks
Cardinals at Rams +4
Cowboys at Redskins +4
Ravens +2.5 at Jets
Chargers at Chiefs +4.5
Season 1-0
Mike Shanahan is from Mars and Albert Haynesworth is from Venus.
Rex Ryan is quite a scholar when it come to the many uses of the work F&%k.
Brett Favre will do whatever it takes not to share a room with another man. (which has to be the reason he misses training camp)
The NFL is just looking out for the well being of its players with these new concussion rules. (remember this when they extend the season by 2 games, but ask the players to take less money)
The NFL is just giving the fans what they want by thinking of adding 2 more games. (remember this “giving the fans what they want” when they lock out the players after this season)
Randy Moss’ ability to be content lasts exactly 3 seasons. (This is two seasons longer than TO)
Steeler fans have a surprisingly compassionate ability to forgive quarterbacks who have been accused of sexual assault. The reason might have something to do with Dennis Dixon being the team’s backup.
For all the complaints it is a waste of time, it must not be since many so-called experts picked Green Bay to go to the Super Bowl based on their pre-season performance. (I am one of those so-called experts)
And finally, no matter how many players get arrested, no matter the threats of strikes and lockouts, and no matter how much they charge for games, I am addicted to football. Being without it for these several months had me shaking like two-pack-a-day smoker on a transcontinental flight.
We back NFL Sundays!
Sticking with my theme this week of picking who will lose the game (versus the spread), the LOSING team is in bold
Panthers +6.5 at Giants
Dolphins -3 at Bills
Falcons -2 at Steelers
Lions +6.5 at Bears
Bengals at Pats -5
Browns +2.5 at Bucs
Broncos +3 at Jaguars
Colts -2.5 at Texans
Raiders at Titans -6.5
Packers -3 at Eagles
49ers -3 at Seahawks
Cardinals at Rams +4
Cowboys at Redskins +4
Ravens +2.5 at Jets
Chargers at Chiefs +4.5
Season 1-0
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Losers
While playing little league, I once received some sage advice my father. I had just made the last out of the game by striking out with the tying run on third. Down and dejected, my dad patted my head and said “Son, there are no losers. Everyone is a winner for just going out there and giving it their best.”
“No! I’m just kidding. There are losers. And today you are one of them. But the world needs losers so we know who the winners are.”
As a solitary tear rolled down my check, I looked up to him and replied “Really?”
“No! I’m just kidding. There are losers. And today you are one of them. But the world needs losers so we know who the winners are.”
I am taking that great (and psychology scaring) advice to heart this year with my annual NFL football picks.
Everyone is so focused on picking the winners, but not me. This year I am going to shine a well deserved light on those underappreciated (yet significantly well paid) participants in every football game, the losing team.
Let those other so called experts give you the lock solid winner. Not me. This year, I will be giving you all the losing teams each week. Take that Berman and the dead ferret under your nose.
Let those other so called experts give you the lock solid winner. Not me. This year, I will be giving you all the losing teams each week. Take that Berman and the dead ferret under your nose.
This season's very first loser! The Minnesota Vikings. Give Favre and the Vikings the 4 points and all the lubricant shots they can handle. It still will not be enough to overcome a crowd still drunk from the last Super Bowl. I don’t mean drunk on excitement, I literally mean their collective BAC is still at .21.
Now, let's get this football season started! The Vegas economy needs all the help those losing football parlay bets can give it!
Saturday, February 6, 2010
The Prop Bowl
For the three years, I have made my Super Bowl picks on this site. For three years, I have gotten it wrong . Couple this fact with a stunning 6 game losing streak that I am currently under and I am not even going to bet my own prediction for the game.
In case you want to go the opposite way, take the Colts and give the 5 points.
Instead of the actual game, I am going to instead give you my top prop bets for the Big Game. If you are not familiar with prop bets, let’s just say these are the bets that make the Super Bowl game the Super Bowl of winning weekends for the Las Vegas sports books. The casinos and town are so psyched about this weekend that a local TV newsman literally called it a holiday weekend for the Las Vegas valley.
The term prop comes from the ancient Greek work propious which means "sucker." You would think this would give me pause before placing such a bet; but in the immortal words of the great Admiral Farragut, “Damn the vigorish, full speed ahead!”
When I decide which props bets to make, I always avoid the ones I have to lay money and instead go for the ones with a plus price. I feel bad enough that I am succumbing to the casinos hypnotic trance, but at least I will trick myself into believing I am getting a good deal by not having to put up more money than I could win.
The truth is some of the best prop bets are the ones you have to lay money. A good example of this is the prop on whether the game will go into overtime. There have been 43 Super Bowls and none have gone to OT. You have to lay $1050 to win $100, but it really is a good bet.
Bit I shall not allow let logic get in my way. So here are my top 7 prop bets to make for the Super Bowl.
Total 1st half points by Saints
Over 13 +110
First score of the game will be a field goal
Yes +180
Shortest TD scored by either team
Over 1.5 yards +135
Which will occur 1st in game for the Colts
Punt +120
Total Punts in Game
Under 8 +110
Total Sacks by the Colts
Over 2 +190
Devery Henderson will score at least one TD
Yes +220
First Players to score a TD
Dallas Clark 9/1
Enjoy the game!
Last week 0-2
Season 137-124-8
In case you want to go the opposite way, take the Colts and give the 5 points.
Instead of the actual game, I am going to instead give you my top prop bets for the Big Game. If you are not familiar with prop bets, let’s just say these are the bets that make the Super Bowl game the Super Bowl of winning weekends for the Las Vegas sports books. The casinos and town are so psyched about this weekend that a local TV newsman literally called it a holiday weekend for the Las Vegas valley.
The term prop comes from the ancient Greek work propious which means "sucker." You would think this would give me pause before placing such a bet; but in the immortal words of the great Admiral Farragut, “Damn the vigorish, full speed ahead!”
When I decide which props bets to make, I always avoid the ones I have to lay money and instead go for the ones with a plus price. I feel bad enough that I am succumbing to the casinos hypnotic trance, but at least I will trick myself into believing I am getting a good deal by not having to put up more money than I could win.
The truth is some of the best prop bets are the ones you have to lay money. A good example of this is the prop on whether the game will go into overtime. There have been 43 Super Bowls and none have gone to OT. You have to lay $1050 to win $100, but it really is a good bet.
Bit I shall not allow let logic get in my way. So here are my top 7 prop bets to make for the Super Bowl.
Total 1st half points by Saints
Over 13 +110
First score of the game will be a field goal
Yes +180
Shortest TD scored by either team
Over 1.5 yards +135
Which will occur 1st in game for the Colts
Punt +120
Total Punts in Game
Under 8 +110
Total Sacks by the Colts
Over 2 +190
Devery Henderson will score at least one TD
Yes +220
First Players to score a TD
Dallas Clark 9/1
Enjoy the game!
Last week 0-2
Season 137-124-8
Friday, January 22, 2010
Championship Weekend aka Hell Week
I am still licking my considerable wounds after last weekend 0-4 performance with my picks.
What make me sick is that I predicted the Chargers game...4 months ago! In my pre-season blog, I wrote they would blow a playoff game that should win.
So for this week's picks, I decide to listen to that younger, wiser version of myself.
Jets +8 at Colts
I checked in with myself from 4 months ago, and I throw up a little in my mouth when I told myself that the Jets were in the AFC Championship Game. When I informed myself that the Colts purposing tanked a game against the Jets just a few weeks earlier which allowed the Jets into the playoff, I completely, full out barfed.
I noted to myself that karma is a bitch and the Colts deserve what they have wrought. I agree and while it pains me to know end, I am finally picking the Jets.
(Secretly, I hope this will be the ultimate jinx pick)
Vikings at Saints -3.5
I read my preseason predictions and saw I predicted Brett Favre will make 15 unbelievably terrible “What the hell was he thinking” plays this season. He is way under the number of those crazy interceptions. I believe the natural law of Favre Physics will catch up on Sunday and besides, the Saints are such the better story.
Last week 0-4
Season 137-122-8
What make me sick is that I predicted the Chargers game...4 months ago! In my pre-season blog, I wrote they would blow a playoff game that should win.
So for this week's picks, I decide to listen to that younger, wiser version of myself.
Jets +8 at Colts
I checked in with myself from 4 months ago, and I throw up a little in my mouth when I told myself that the Jets were in the AFC Championship Game. When I informed myself that the Colts purposing tanked a game against the Jets just a few weeks earlier which allowed the Jets into the playoff, I completely, full out barfed.
I noted to myself that karma is a bitch and the Colts deserve what they have wrought. I agree and while it pains me to know end, I am finally picking the Jets.
(Secretly, I hope this will be the ultimate jinx pick)
Vikings at Saints -3.5
I read my preseason predictions and saw I predicted Brett Favre will make 15 unbelievably terrible “What the hell was he thinking” plays this season. He is way under the number of those crazy interceptions. I believe the natural law of Favre Physics will catch up on Sunday and besides, the Saints are such the better story.
Last week 0-4
Season 137-122-8
Friday, January 15, 2010
Division Weekend
After going a vanilla 2-2 picking games last week, I decided to do some research before picking this week’s games.
Did you know….
The Cardinals are 5-0 against the spread over the course of the last two playoffs?
The Colts average margin of victory this year in their last 8 wins was less than 6 points?
Did you know the Wall Street Journal analysis an average NFL game (2 hr 57 minutes) and discovered there was only 11 minutes total of live action?
Did you know no number one seed has won the Super Bowl in 6 years?
I was busy getting more did you know items until I came across this clip:
I can’t stop watching it! It’s hypnotic.
To hell with research. Here are my vanilla picks for this week. Guaranteed to go 2-2, I just don’t know which two will win.
Arizona +7 at Saints
Ravens +6.5 at Colts
Cowboys +3 at Vikings
Jets at Chargers -7
Last week 2-2
Season 137-118-8
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Wild Card Weekend
Jets v. Bengals
The Jets are that guy who just because his parents bought him a smoking hot Porsche, he thinks he’s earned being the shit. I’d like to point out to all the Jet’s Kool Aid drinkers (like the guy who wear a Wayne Chrebet jersey on a first date) that in the last three games they could only muster a touchdown against Atlanta and won two basically forfeited games.
As for the Bengals, I am going with the theory that they can’t look any worse than last Sunday night. This is a theory that often gets me in trouble at the roulette table when I say “There is no way red can come again after 13 straights.” By the way, YES IT CAN.
My Pick: Bengals -2.5
Eagles v. Cowboys
Last week, the Eagles went from having a first round bye to be the last seed in the conference. On the good side, this means more room service for Andy Reid. Okay, I get it; Andy Reid has problems with his weight. He and his team have also had a very tough time with the Cowboys this year.
All the smart people are suggesting that the Eagles really laid down a bit last week and remind everyone about the Cowboys playoff futility. Well, I have never been accused of being smart.
My pick: Cowboys -3.5
Ravens at Patriots
This just in: In addition to broken ribs and fingers, Tom Brady has the following other injuries:
ingrown toenail, back acne, dandruff, eye twitching, ear wax and a general case of the blahs. How can one man endure so much without anyone being allowed to touch him?
The Welker injuries really hurts the Pats, just no this weekend. Belchick will talk himself into going for it on several critical 4th downs and he’ll make everyone because the Ravens will jump offside.
My pick: Patriots -3.5
Packers at Cardinals
This is by far the toughest game to predict, which obviously means it will be a blowout. The Packers have looked great in the second part of the season. Their defense is strong and Aaron Rodgers has quietly done a fantastic job of replacing Brett Turncoat. Of course, last week the annihilated the Cardinals in a game the Cardinals obviously laid down on purpose. Plus, it looks like the Cardinals have injury issues. With all signs pointing to the Packers, the wise guy gamblers have jumped all over them. The moved this line from Cardinals favored by 3 to Packers favored by one.
But last year, everyone and their mother-in-law were counting out the Cardinals and all they did was come 2 minutes away from winning the Super Bowl. It’s too tough a call. I would only bet this game with the government’s money. But if I did have their money…
My pick Cardinals +1
Last Week 11-5
Season 135-116-5
The Jets are that guy who just because his parents bought him a smoking hot Porsche, he thinks he’s earned being the shit. I’d like to point out to all the Jet’s Kool Aid drinkers (like the guy who wear a Wayne Chrebet jersey on a first date) that in the last three games they could only muster a touchdown against Atlanta and won two basically forfeited games.
As for the Bengals, I am going with the theory that they can’t look any worse than last Sunday night. This is a theory that often gets me in trouble at the roulette table when I say “There is no way red can come again after 13 straights.” By the way, YES IT CAN.
My Pick: Bengals -2.5
Eagles v. Cowboys
Last week, the Eagles went from having a first round bye to be the last seed in the conference. On the good side, this means more room service for Andy Reid. Okay, I get it; Andy Reid has problems with his weight. He and his team have also had a very tough time with the Cowboys this year.
All the smart people are suggesting that the Eagles really laid down a bit last week and remind everyone about the Cowboys playoff futility. Well, I have never been accused of being smart.
My pick: Cowboys -3.5
Ravens at Patriots
This just in: In addition to broken ribs and fingers, Tom Brady has the following other injuries:
ingrown toenail, back acne, dandruff, eye twitching, ear wax and a general case of the blahs. How can one man endure so much without anyone being allowed to touch him?
The Welker injuries really hurts the Pats, just no this weekend. Belchick will talk himself into going for it on several critical 4th downs and he’ll make everyone because the Ravens will jump offside.
My pick: Patriots -3.5
Packers at Cardinals
This is by far the toughest game to predict, which obviously means it will be a blowout. The Packers have looked great in the second part of the season. Their defense is strong and Aaron Rodgers has quietly done a fantastic job of replacing Brett Turncoat. Of course, last week the annihilated the Cardinals in a game the Cardinals obviously laid down on purpose. Plus, it looks like the Cardinals have injury issues. With all signs pointing to the Packers, the wise guy gamblers have jumped all over them. The moved this line from Cardinals favored by 3 to Packers favored by one.
But last year, everyone and their mother-in-law were counting out the Cardinals and all they did was come 2 minutes away from winning the Super Bowl. It’s too tough a call. I would only bet this game with the government’s money. But if I did have their money…
My pick Cardinals +1
Last Week 11-5
Season 135-116-5
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Week 17- What a Difference a Decade Makes
In January 2000, if I told you the following would happen in sports over the next 10 years, you would have thought I should go get my head check. And since at that time I did not have insurance, I would not have been able to.
The Patriots would be the NFL team of the decade. In 1999, they finished 8-8 and 4th in the division and just hired a failed head coach named Bill Belichick.
Pete Carroll would be the most successful head coach of the decade (in college). He was laughed out of New York and New England critics made fun of his rah-rah attitude. These same critics made fun when he was hired by USC. In hindsight, shouldn’t we have seen that he would have made a perfect college coach?
The Red Sox would win as many World Series in the decade as the Yankees. The fact that I would have predicted that they would win one World Series would have been sufficiently crazy.
Pete Rose would admit to betting on baseball. If you did NOT see this coming, you are blind.
More teams from Florida (1) would win the Stanley Cup than from Canada (0). A national outrage for our brothers to the north.
Boise State and Utah would each win more BCS Bowls than Notre Dame. Also, who would have guessed that Charlie Weiss could NOT walk on water?
Nine of the 20 league MVP named in the decade would have admitted or reported to have been used performance enhancing drugs. And attendance would continue to increase.
As the decade ends, the biggest ladies man in sports is not Derek Jeter or Kobe Bryant or Tom Brady, but Tiger Woods.
What will we be saying 10 years from now as we reflect on the “teens?”
Here are some stabs in the dark:
The NFL team of the decade will be the…Green Bay Packers. After the Brett Favre fiasco, they are due some karma. Plus they have a really, really good QB.
The Kansas City Royals will make the playoffs at least once. This falls into my “even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in awhile” file. You can’t be bad that long without stumbling into one year of greatness.
Josh Hamilton will end up in rehab. He will share a room will re-lapsing Robert Downey Jr.
Greg Anderson, former trainer of Barry Bonds, will end up writing a tell-all book about Bonds. He will do this because at some point Bonds is going to get cheap or rude or both with Greg and piss him off enough to through him under the bus. Just call it Bonds Being Bonds.
Already dominating the national sports scene, ESPN will completely over take local sports coverage. The days of you independent local sports talk radio will be over. It will all be either a national program or local program run by the worldwide leader. Get ready for ESPN-Tulsa.
The NFL is going to do something very, very stupid. They have been too smug as top dog for too long. Burning evidence. Crushing competition. Snubbing the very place that makes them a popular as they are (Vegas). It will probably be a lockout in 2011, but do not rule out a huge PEDs scandal.
The early part of the decade will be marked by more and more lurid scandals becoming public involving very famous athletes. You can thank TMZ new sports division for this.
Speaking of PEDs, I have a feeling scandals will erupt in other sports such as basketball, hockey, soccer and golf. Yes, golf. And you know who better start sweating it.
As for golf, two bold predictions: A woman will become a regular player on the PGA Tour and by the end of the decade, the world’s greatest golfer will be from Asia (not half Asian as is currently).
The early part of the decade will be a little tough for the NBA because of finances, but by the end of the decade, people will ask if it is a real rival to the NFL in popularity.
And here are my very safe best for the next decade:
The US will not win the World Cup
The Jacksonville Jaguars will move (probably to LA)
Tiger will break Jack’s record
Jerry Jones will have cosmetic surgery again
People will bitch about the Yankees spending too much money
The Twins will be cheap and let Joe Mauer go
The Lakers will keep winning; the Clippers will keep losing
All our sports (except football) will see a continuing rise in players from overseas.
And the Miami Dolphins will win a Super Bowl! (more of a prayer than a prediction)
As for the predictions for this week’s game, it is a real crapshoot. With no one knowing for sure which team will play and which one are going to fold, I suggest you bet these games with our people’s money.
Colts at Bills -7.5
Saints at Panthers -7
Jaguars at Browns -1
Eagles at Cowboys -3
Bears -3 at Lions
Patriots +7.5 at Texans
Steelers -3 at Dolphins
Giants +9 at Vikings
Bengals +10 at Jets
49ers -7 at Rams
Falcons -2 at Bucs
Packers at Cardinals -3
Chiefs +12.5 at Broncos
Ravens at Raiders +10.5
Redskins at Chargers -4
Titans -4.5 at Seahawks
Last Week 6-10
Season 124-111-5
The Patriots would be the NFL team of the decade. In 1999, they finished 8-8 and 4th in the division and just hired a failed head coach named Bill Belichick.
Pete Carroll would be the most successful head coach of the decade (in college). He was laughed out of New York and New England critics made fun of his rah-rah attitude. These same critics made fun when he was hired by USC. In hindsight, shouldn’t we have seen that he would have made a perfect college coach?
The Red Sox would win as many World Series in the decade as the Yankees. The fact that I would have predicted that they would win one World Series would have been sufficiently crazy.
Pete Rose would admit to betting on baseball. If you did NOT see this coming, you are blind.
More teams from Florida (1) would win the Stanley Cup than from Canada (0). A national outrage for our brothers to the north.
Boise State and Utah would each win more BCS Bowls than Notre Dame. Also, who would have guessed that Charlie Weiss could NOT walk on water?
Nine of the 20 league MVP named in the decade would have admitted or reported to have been used performance enhancing drugs. And attendance would continue to increase.
As the decade ends, the biggest ladies man in sports is not Derek Jeter or Kobe Bryant or Tom Brady, but Tiger Woods.
What will we be saying 10 years from now as we reflect on the “teens?”
Here are some stabs in the dark:
The NFL team of the decade will be the…Green Bay Packers. After the Brett Favre fiasco, they are due some karma. Plus they have a really, really good QB.
The Kansas City Royals will make the playoffs at least once. This falls into my “even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in awhile” file. You can’t be bad that long without stumbling into one year of greatness.
Josh Hamilton will end up in rehab. He will share a room will re-lapsing Robert Downey Jr.
Greg Anderson, former trainer of Barry Bonds, will end up writing a tell-all book about Bonds. He will do this because at some point Bonds is going to get cheap or rude or both with Greg and piss him off enough to through him under the bus. Just call it Bonds Being Bonds.
Already dominating the national sports scene, ESPN will completely over take local sports coverage. The days of you independent local sports talk radio will be over. It will all be either a national program or local program run by the worldwide leader. Get ready for ESPN-Tulsa.
The NFL is going to do something very, very stupid. They have been too smug as top dog for too long. Burning evidence. Crushing competition. Snubbing the very place that makes them a popular as they are (Vegas). It will probably be a lockout in 2011, but do not rule out a huge PEDs scandal.
The early part of the decade will be marked by more and more lurid scandals becoming public involving very famous athletes. You can thank TMZ new sports division for this.
Speaking of PEDs, I have a feeling scandals will erupt in other sports such as basketball, hockey, soccer and golf. Yes, golf. And you know who better start sweating it.
As for golf, two bold predictions: A woman will become a regular player on the PGA Tour and by the end of the decade, the world’s greatest golfer will be from Asia (not half Asian as is currently).
The early part of the decade will be a little tough for the NBA because of finances, but by the end of the decade, people will ask if it is a real rival to the NFL in popularity.
And here are my very safe best for the next decade:
The US will not win the World Cup
The Jacksonville Jaguars will move (probably to LA)
Tiger will break Jack’s record
Jerry Jones will have cosmetic surgery again
People will bitch about the Yankees spending too much money
The Twins will be cheap and let Joe Mauer go
The Lakers will keep winning; the Clippers will keep losing
All our sports (except football) will see a continuing rise in players from overseas.
And the Miami Dolphins will win a Super Bowl! (more of a prayer than a prediction)
As for the predictions for this week’s game, it is a real crapshoot. With no one knowing for sure which team will play and which one are going to fold, I suggest you bet these games with our people’s money.
Colts at Bills -7.5
Saints at Panthers -7
Jaguars at Browns -1
Eagles at Cowboys -3
Bears -3 at Lions
Patriots +7.5 at Texans
Steelers -3 at Dolphins
Giants +9 at Vikings
Bengals +10 at Jets
49ers -7 at Rams
Falcons -2 at Bucs
Packers at Cardinals -3
Chiefs +12.5 at Broncos
Ravens at Raiders +10.5
Redskins at Chargers -4
Titans -4.5 at Seahawks
Last Week 6-10
Season 124-111-5
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