Saturday, December 25, 2010

Week 16- Put up your dukes! It's Boxing Day!

Sunday marks the second biggest holiday of this weekend- Boxing Day.

Up until 48 hours ago, I planned on honoring this day by dressing up like the former heavyweight boxer Randall “Tex” Cobb and blocking jabs with my nose. However, it was just brought to my attention that Boxing Day is actually a day to honor our dedicated servants in the postal delivery field.

Good thing I learned this before I made a fool out of myself. Like last year when I dressed like Alexis Arguello while a drugged up hobo played Aaron Pryor and beat the crap out of me. Twice.

To properly honor the holiday, I have included in my picks the special packages the will be delivered to each game by the fine men and women of the postal service. This year has a token of my appreciation my postman will be receiving a pair of slightly used, partially blood stained, boxing trunks.

As usual, my picks for the losing side are in bold.

Lions at Dolphins -3.5
A sign that reads “Ford Field” to put over the stadium so the Fins feel like they are playing on the road.

Vikings +14 at Eagles
Chains, ropes, pad locks, super glue and anything else necessary to keep Brett Favre from suiting up.

Redskins at Jaguars -6.5
A copy of "How to Make Friends and Influence People” delivered to the Shanahans

49ers +2.5 at Rams
A box of printed up playoff tickets for the winner of this game

Seahawks at Bucs -6.5
No doze for the Seahawks to keep them awake for 10am there time football game

Patriots -8 at Bills
A white flag for the Bills to flag after the third quarter

Jets at Bears -2.5
Video encryption software for certain personnel to keep certain videos private

Ravens -3.5 at Browns
High quality paper for Eric Mangini to use to print out his resume

Titans at Chiefs -5
Scented candles for Coach Todd Haley to burn on the sidelines so maybe he can calm and not blow arteries over losing the coin toss.

Colts -2.5 at Raiders
Bigger, stronger, cushier helmets for all the Colts receivers.

Texans -2.5 at Broncos
A copy of Colorado’s penal code for all the Bronco players. They have more arrested players than wins this year.

Giants +3 at Packers
A game play that covers all 60 minutes of a game instead of the first 52 minutes.

Chargers at Bengals +8
Moving boxes for most of the players and coaching staff so they can get a head start on their “forced” relocation at the end of the season.

Saints at Falcons -2.5
A box full of R-E-S-P-E-C-T for the Falcons. Has there ever been a 12-2 team that has flown this far under the proverbial radar?

This week 1-1
Last Week 7-9
Year 119-102-5

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Week 15- NFL's list to Santa

BREAKING NEWS….. Wikileaks has received the flash drive of one Kris Kringle (aka Santa Claus). They are set to release everyone’s Christmas letters to Santa. Fortunately, I obtained a leaked copy of the leaked copy and here are some of the things a few NFL personal asked from Santa this year:

Donovan McNabb- a Wii Fitness

Aaron Rodgers- a thicker helmet

Denver Broncos front office- a clue

Al David- Fred Biletnikoff (remember, he still thinks it’s the ‘70s)

Ben Roethlisberger- Pain medicine. Lots and lots of pain medicine.

Miami Dolphins- for their stadium to burn down and forcing them to play all their games on the road.

Matthew Stafford- a shoulder made of bone instead of glass

Brett Favre- a time machine to take him back to the moment in time he agreed to come back and play this year.

Brad Childress- same as above.

Rex Ryan - For Sal Alosi to keep his mouth shut on who ordered the Code Red, err… I mean, who order the lineup on the sideline.

Roger Goodell and the NFL owners- a labor agreement that will pay the players less, make them work harder (play more games), get their stadiums built without costing them anything, and, all the while, keeping their books a secret so they can continue to cry poor . (Hey, Wikileaks, please get a leaked copy of the NFL financials.)

The list also included my letter to Santa in which I ask, nay beg, for a return to a winning week picking games. As has been my system throughout the year, the losing team is in bold

Chiefs at Rams -3
Texans +1 at Titans
Jaguars +5 at Colts
Cardinals at Panthers -2.5
Browns at Bengals -1
Bills +5.5 at Dolphins
Eagles at Giants -3
Redskins at Cowboys -7
Lions at Bucs -4
Saints +1.5 at Ravens
Falcons at Seahawks +6
Jets +5 at Steelers
Broncos at Raiders -7.5
Packers at Patriots -14
Bears -7.5 at Vikings

Thursday 1-0
Last Week 6-9-1
Year 111-92-5

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Week 14- Best Comedy Sports Films of the Decade

As we wrap up the end of the first decade of the 21st century, there is going to be a flood of “Best of the Decade” lists coming out.

Because we are always ones to follow a trend rather than lead it, here is our entry into the foray.

Here is the top 5 comedy sports TV shows/films of the ‘00s. Honestly, it was really slim picking after the top 2, but no one wants to see a top two list.

5. Semi-Pro

4. Bad News Bears

3. Blades of Glory

2. Dodgeball

1. Talladega Nights

Enough with the laughter. Below are my serious “If you hate money, don’t bet these” picks of the week. , The losing team in bold.

Raiders +4 at Jaguars
Bengals +8.5 at Steelers
Patriots -3 at Bears
Browns +1 at Bills
Giants -3 at Vikings
Packers -6.5 at Lions
Falcons -7.5 at Panthers
Bucs at Redskins +1
Rams +9 at Saints
Seahawks +5 at 49ers
Dolphins +5.5 at Jets
Broncos -4 at Cardinals
Chiefs +9.5 at Chargers
Eagles at Cowboys +3.5
Ravens -3 at Texans

Thursday 0-1
Last Week 9-7
Year 105-84-4

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Week 13- Getting Ready for the Apocalypse!

This week, the NFLPA took the prudent step of scaring the crap out of its members by telling them to prepare for an owner lockout next year. The owners already have a plan and it’s called “being stinkin’ rich.”

But what about us poor slobs aka “the fans.” How do we prepare for the worst case scenario?

As a public service to all NFL fans, below are the top ten most helpful tips on how to prepare. This will only make life without football barely functional. Quite frankly, there is no advice that can make Sundays without pro football bearable or even tolerable.

10. DVR the rest of the games this season and then next season invite friends over on Sundays to watch the replays.

9. Subscribe to the NHL Network and start boning up on your hockey knowledge.

8. Sneak into your crazy aunt’s house and start stealing her anti-depressant meds.

7. Move out of a house and into an apartment because free Sundays equals fix things around the house time.

6. If no football means at return to church, convert to a religion with the shortest services and the most free alcohol (a Paid Advertisement from the Roman Catholic Church).

5. Learn about websites your can surf other than Pro Football Talk and Yahoo Fantasy Sports.

4. Offer your house as a place to stay to one of your favorite locked out players. If their money management is anything like the rest of Americans, they will be broke and homeless within 2 months.

3. Create a fantasy football team…for the Lingerie Football League.

2. Move to Canada and start following Canadian Football. (It comes with free health care.)

1. After this year’s Super Bowl, keep drinking so you never sober up. Being continually drunk might be the only effective way to handle this!

Here are my picks for the week. Once again, I am picking the losing side with is in bold

Bills +5.5 at Vikings
Browns +5 at Dolphins
Jaguars at Titans -3
Broncos +8.5 at Chiefs
Redskins +7 at Giants
Bears at Lions +5.5
49ers at Packers -9.5
Saints -6.5 at Bengals
Falcons -3 at Bucs
Raiders +13 at Chargers
Panthers at Seahawks -5
Dallas +5.5 at Colts
Rams -3.5 at Cardinals
Steelers at Ravens -3
Jets +3.5 at Patriots

Thursday 0-1
Last Week 8-8
Year 96-79-4

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Thursday Night's Alright for Fightin'

All the talk leading up to tonight's game has been about fighting. The talk has been openly about Andre Johnson's fight and quietly about dog fighting.

Now to see a real football fight, check out the brawl between Miami and FIU. Simultaneously one of the most reprehensible and proudest moments of FIU's football history. Proud because it's the only thing anyone around the nation knows them for. "Any press is good press!"

As for tonight, the fighting should be confined to the booth between Millen and Theismann. Take the Texans the generous 8 points.