Sunday, April 1, 2007

Baseball Begins!

Baseball begins. Did you hear me? The baseball season is starting, aren’t you excited?

What’s that? Yes. It starts every year in April.

No it didn’t “just” end, it’s been something like 5 months since the last real games were played.

Well, you should care.

Because it’s “America’s pastime” that’s why.

No, surfing the web for porn is not America’s pastime. I am talking about sports okay.

No. Football should not be considered America’s pastime.

Because, they are just a bunch of steroid bloated Neanderthals.

Well, baseball players are not Neanderthals.

Hey, they do that all the time because they have to adjust their cup.

I don’t know why they don’t get form-fitting cups. I am not about to ask a guy how he protects his manhood. That’s a personal matter unique to every man.

Why, yes. I happen to be wearing a cup right now, what business is it of yours?

Yes, I had it molded to fit the particular contour of my groin.

Let's just say it's unusual and leave it at that, okay! Satisfied. But I am not going to agree that football should be “America’s pastime!”

Yes football is more “popular” if you consider being the most talked about, most covered, and highest rated programming on TV as popular. Sure football is more popular but that doesn’t make it “America’s pastime.”

Yes, more people follow Nascar.
And basketball.
And golf.
And poker.
But it’s more popular that hockey so there.

Baseball is our national pastime because it is a link to our past, as James Earl Jones put it in Field of Dreams, “It reminds us of all that once was good and it could be again..”

No, not like how Rev. Sharpton is linked to Strom Thurmond?!

Jeez, can’t you understand, baseball is a beautiful game. It combines extraordinary physical skill with mental aptitude to produce a game that explodes with thrilling action at every crack of the bat!

Yes, this happens once every 10 minutes in a typical game.

No, watching paint dry is not nearly as much fun as watching baseball.

Neither is watching grass grow.

Okay, I’ll make you a deal, the next time we go to a baseball game, I’ll watch the players and you watch the grass grow and we’ll see who has more fun. Let’s go next week okay?

You can’t because you are having root canal?

Ouch. Okay how about the following week?

Root canal again? And the week after that?

Oh my god, did you gargle with coke and chocolate syrup as a kid? How many root canals can you have?

How many games in a baseball season? Ummm lets see.. I think it’s 162.

You are going to have 162 root canals!

All right, I guess we’ll never get to share in the splendor that is America’s pastime.

Oh, I’m still going to surf the web for…hey come on, I was talking about baseball!

1 comment:

Mick Deez Nutz said...

Baseball... Is that like Cricket?