Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Things you just can't do in sports

In Game 3 of the Spurs-Suns series, Bruce Bowen did what no man, woman, or child should ever do to another competitor during a sporting event. He purposely kneed a man (Steve Nash) in the groin. (click on title to see a video of the heinous crime)

It literally pains me to write that last sentence. There is not a man alive who, when they see another man get hit in that priceless of areas, does not cringe in empathy.

Unless a wiffle ball bat is involved. For some reasons, whenever a guy gets hit by a wiffle ball bat, it’s funny. One of nature’s mysteries I guess, along with swallows of Capistrano, Fibonacci numbers, and the comedy of Carrot Top.

The “hitting another man in the groin” is one of the Six Unforgivable Crimes Known to Sports (aka S.U.C.K.S). Not familiar with what SUCKS? I know a lot of sports fans think they know what SUCKS, but outside of Devil Ray fans, none really do.

So in our never-ending effort to educate the average sports fan, this is what SUCKS:

1. Hitting another man in the groin
(aka low blow) see Bowen, Bruce; Golota, Andrew

2. Telling on or writing a book about a teammate who cheated
(aka ratting out; selling out) see Canseco, Jose; Bouton, Jim

3. Throwing a punch then running away
(aka sucker punching) see Anthony, Carmelo; Mayweather, Floyd

4. Faking an injury
(aka jaking it, crybaby) see Divac, Vlade; entire soccer playing world

5. Taking drugs…without also taking effective masking agents
(aka being lazy) see Landis, Floyd; Williams, Ricky; Williams, Ricky; Williams, Ricky (oh you get the point)

6. Having your wife/mother/significant other complain on your behalf
(aka being whipped) see McNabb, Donovan; Benson, Kris; Clinton, Hilary

Despite his egregious SUCKS violation, the mighty brain trust of the NBA deemed that Bowen only deserved a slap on the wrist. This same brain trust also thought making players wear suits would clean up the game. Now, where am I supposed to get the latest in urban fashion trends Mr Stern?!

Well, I am not so forgiving. I have decided to put Bowen on the official “I am not sharing my ball with you!” list of disgraced athletes. Congratulations Bruce Bowen, if that’s your real name, for being a charter member of this undistinguished group. I am sure you won’t be the last.

I’m keeping my eye on you Michael Vick!

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