I did it! What a fantastic weekend I had last week! My followers went 12-2 (if you went against my picks) and 4-1 in the Star picks (again, if you went the opposite of me). I bet there isn’t another prognosticator who can guarantee results like that. I mean you would think a blind monkey could pick at least 4 games right.
Well sir, this monkey here has eyes! And these eyes see nothing but green, the color of money! Also it’s the color my cheap brand of solution turns my contacts, so that also attributes to the whole seeing green thing. But I saved 50 cents. And thank god I did, because I am going to parlay that 50 cents into 500 cents with my picks this week.
So after last week, I am now 55-59-2 for the year, and 16-19 on my star picks. But just like my Republican brethren, I am looking for the silver lining in an otherwise humiliating defeat. And that lining is that, “it can’t get much worse”, which I think will be their slogan in 2008.
This week, I, unlike my president, will be ignoring what my gut tells me and I will be using other parts of my body to pick games. Each game a different part. The one area I won’t use is the anatomical part our previous president used when making those difficult decisions as head of state.
So light up those cigars, because we all are going to be winners with these picks (especially if you go the opposite way)
*KC –1 at Miami: My heart. Last week was the first time I picked against my beloved Fins. And they won. If that’s what it takes for them to win, I’ll do it. Besides, the Chiefs will be starting a former Dolphin at QB whose heart was broken when they did pick him to replace Marino. Hell hath not fury like a backup QB scorned. L
Houston at Jax –10.5: My ankle. Just like Leftwich, I too have a bum ankle that keeps me from playing on Sundays. The bad ankle coupled with the minor fact that I have no discernable athletic ability has really hampered by professional sports career. L
San Diego -1 at Cinn: My tongue. I wish I could talk like Chad Johnson at my job like he does at his. “Look here, I guarantee I will turn in my budget reports, process invoices, and change the water bottle in the break room. You write that down. If I don’t, I’ll shave the back of my neck.” W
Cleve +8.5 at Atlanta: My frontal lobe. I figured my problem in picking games is that I over think it. So for this game, I wrote each team’s name on separate post-it notes, turned them upside and slammed the front of my head onto the desk. When I awoke, the post it still stuck to my head read “Browns”. I think it read Browns. I haven’t really had clear vision since I did this. W
*Balt –7.5 at Tenn: My sternum. A couple of years ago, McNair got knocked out for a long time with a severely bruised sternum. I want you to think about that. I bet you felt a phantom pain in your chest just thinking about it. And he came back to play. Got to go with that kind of heart…or at least heart protector. L
Buffalo at Ind –12.5: My pinky toe. Buffalo is your pinky toe. It’s a tiny, insignificant team, which you really could live without. But if you lose it or lose to it, you and your record will look horribly disfigured. L
New Orleans at Pittsburgh –4: My left nostril. Every morning, I awake to a stuffed up left nostril. Never my right, always my left. I’ve tried nasal spray, those breath rights, humidifiers. But every morning, I’m breathing out of one nose hole. How does this relate? I keep picking the Steelers and they keep shoving it up my nose. Looks like Monday morning will be no different. W
*Wash at Phil –7: My middle finger. This will be the finger that Philly fans will use to indicate that their team is number one. This will also be the same finger they will use to point out any personal defects you may possess and it will also be the finger they shove up your nose and the end of the game. W
*Chicago +2 at NY Giants: My ear drums. Can you imagine the kind of trash talking that will go on between these two proudly vulgar cities? Can you imagine understanding a single word coming out of their mouth beside mother f&*%er? W
Green Bay at Minn –5.5: My liver. Having been addicted to pain meds like Brett Favre, my liver is a mess. Also eating those Johnsonville Brats from Wisconsin has added a few scars to liver. And the amount of alcohol I will be forced to consume because Favre will throw a garbage time TD to cover will be the death knell. Tuesday morning, I’ll be sending that “seeking donor liver” email out. Please edit your Spam filters accordingly. L
NY Jets +11 at New England: My love handles. My wife makes fun of the extra weight I carry around the waist these days. “Those aren’t handles, they’re more like the whole bike.” She laughs. I smile, go upstairs, and cry, muffling the sounds by burying my face in the pillow. I want to get rid of my non-alcoholic beer gut like I want to get rid of both these teams. But, they’ll always but there, the object of my pain. W
San Fran +6 at Detroit: My appendix. It’s a useless organ. We’re not even sure why we have one, yet there it is. All ready to get inflamed so we can be rushed to the hospital to have it removed. Like this game. Do we really need San Fran v. Detroit? Don’t you feel the inflammation coming on just thinking about these teams playing? But there it is. And we’ll watch it, of course. W
Denver at Oak +9.5: My lungs. What could I be smoking to pick the Raiders? I am smoking a special brand of tobacco sent by Al Davis makes me wear white jump suits, hire ex-cons, and sue the NFL. Also, I spent last weekend in Denver and I think I’m still suffering from altitude sickness. W
St Louis +4 at Seattle: My Anterior Crucial Ligament. Seattle has ended my fantasy football season with all the injuries they suffered. It’s like I made a bad cut on the old Kingdom turf and blew out my knee. Now, I face 12 months of intense rehab so I can come back and get clobbered next season. W
Dallas at Arizona +7: My dimples. Not only do Matt Leinart and I share the same dimples, but also a fondness for female basketball players. (Don’t deny me Rebecca Lobo!). Also, he went to a school whose mascot was The Trojans and in college I once stole a pack of Trojans because I was too embarrassed to buy them. So there. With all this in common, how come Matt never returns my calls? Leaves me tickets at the gate? Sings me love songs? I will not be ignored! L
Tampa Bay +9.5 at Carolina: My neck. It’s not because I am sticking my neck out by picking the Bucs. It is because my Tampa residing sister and brother in law will strangle me if I pick against them. Oh and she’ll do it too. Fear is a powerful tool in prognosticating. L
Record 9-7
Star Picks 2-2
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