Friday, January 4, 2008

Straight from the Fan's Mouth

To really know what will happen during the upcoming playoff games, one has to do a little extra research. Go beyond the facts, figures and trends and get to the real expert sources…the fans.

Since, I was completely lousy in picking the regular season on my own, I decided to interview an impassioned fan from each team to get insight on their team’s upcoming game.

“Excuse, I’ve got to take this call- Three meat lovers pizzas, two dozen cheese sticks a box glazed donuts, a gallon of Rocky Road, and two paramedics. Deliver to Fed Ex Field, Section 115, Row L, Seat 121. Thanks.
Yah, the Redskins are going to kick ass because we got momentum, team chemistry, Hall of Fame coach, the best guy named Collins playing QB today, and , oh wait, hey buddy, let me get a pretzel, nachos, hot dog, peanuts, two beers, and an aspirin.
Redskins Rules!”

“My girlfriend, I mean my ex-girlfriend, thought I was crazy to get my hair done like this, but she doesn’t, I mean didn’t, understand. This is the playoffs man and as a member of the 12th Man, I’ve got to step it up. Just like Shaun Alexander not falling down at the sight of a linebacker. My girlfriend, I mean ex-girlfriend, has no idea that doing my hair like this will obviously inspire my team to victory. Well, she’ll be sorry that she can’t be here in the freezing rain as our, I mean my, Seahawks scalp those Redskins.
Was that inappropriate to say? She would hate it if I made an offensive comment. I should call her, you know, just to apologize if I said anything offensive. And to see what’s she up to.”

Well, I’m a sucker for romance, a heartbreak wins over heart attack. I take the Seahawks –3.5 over the Redskins.

“I swear to God, if I got all painted up and shaved my head again and they lose, I am just, well I am just going to cry. Cry like a baby or a contestant kicked off the Biggest Loser. Everybody is picking us to win. Everybody loves us. Everybody can’t be wrong, right? We beat the Steelers three straight times. We just beat them this year, in Pittsburgh. They have a ton of injuries and we are pretty healthy. Seriously, I do not see how we can lose. Damn it, I can’t get this paint off without surgery.”

“Yeah, it’s a real tattoo, what do you got to say about it. I love the Steelers okay. That’s what real fans do, they love their team so much they be willing to permanently scar their bodies for them. Ya, that’s a jar of Cowher’s spittle over there, so what. I love him. Once a Steeler, always a Steeler. I’d even kiss Kordell Stewart on the mouth if I was ever allowed to get close to him again. The Steelers are gonna win because number 7 is tougher than titanium, our defense is gonna break everyone of the Jags legs, and because I said so. Is that okay with you? Yeah, that’s Mean Joe Green’s jock over there, so what of it?”

Out of these two obsessed, yet colorful (literally) fans, I am scared shitless over Steelers fan. My lack of backbone dictates I pick Pittsburgh +2 over Jacksonville.

“Hey Manning, this is fer yous and yous old man for talkin’ yous to comin’ here. I love ya! Da Giants are the greatest team in da world, but they suck okay. I mean we got no Shockey, O’Hare is hurt, Plax is banged up, and did I mention we ain’t got Shockey. And I keep thinkin’ Eli is gonna wet himself. But I love the Giants, and they gonna kick those pansy asses from Florida all over da field on Sunday. Even though they suck. God, I love the Giants, and I hate dem.”

“These are my boys. I am so proud of them. They really have taken to this football thing. It gives them so much pleasure and really keeps them occupied. I pray the Bucs win and the season continues, because when my boys don’t have football, they tend to go toward less desirable pursuits like auto theft, dealing meth, and stealing my jewelry. My sons say Tampa has a really good chance to win. Of course, they also said they had a really good chance at that McDonalds front counter job, but that didn’t quite pan out.”

Look, I feel for the mother of all Bucs fans, but the Giants are just too much fun. They get ripped when they win, they get ripped when they lose. And watching Eli sulk is some of the best comedy on TV. I’m taking the Giants +3 over the Buccaneers.

“I just love throwing things on to the field. Bottles of beer. Seat backs. Small animals. I just love it. Whether the Titans win or lose, it don’t matter as long as I get to throw something. Sometimes I just plain throw up because I had too much of the Boone’s. As fer the game, heck the Titans ain’t got a chance. That Young can’t throw worth a damn. Give me that ball and I’ll throw it. Did I mention I love throwing things? I just threw a fit at a Piggly Wiggly because they were out of jerky.”

“Woooo, go Padres! Oh, sorry, I mean Chargers. Who are they playing? Oh, it doesn’t matter. I love it when they all run around and catch the ball and the whistle blows. Woooooo! Go LT. He’s the best quarterback in the league! I was thinking about being a cheerleader but I heard it meant waking up early on Sunday. That’s not for me. But you know what is for me? The Chargers. Woooooooo! They are going all the way to the World Series, I just know it. Oh it’s halftime. I’ve got to leave to beat the traffic to the Gas Lamp District. Wooooooo! Go Appletinis!”

How do I pick from these two impassioned fans? Heck I just think nine points is too much for a playoff game, so Beer Chuckers +9 over the Appletinis.

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