Monday, March 31, 2008

Predictions for the 2008 Baseball Season

Any so called expert can tell you who will win the World Series this year. Heck, there are only six teams with a real shot so how hard can it be to get it right.

Instead, I offer you some preseason predictions that showcase the insight and grasp I have on the intricate world of baseball …and what a 1/5 of scotch will bring to my attention.

At least 15 players will be suspended for using performance enhancing drugs, and all of them will blame Miguel Tejada’s vitamin B-12 shots.

In mid-May and the Yankees 3 ½ games out of first place, there will be an uproar from the NY media and fans for them sign Barry Bonds. Hank Steinbrenner will give in and sign Bonds. In attendance at the press conference will be the devil to collect Hank’s soul.

The Baltimore Orioles will be mathematically eliminated from the playoffs by April 30.

Joe Torre will introduce Tommy Lasorda to the medicinal benefits of green tea. Lasorda will introduce him to the same benefits of Hollywood call girls.

Pedro Martinez, Bobby Abreu, and Manny Ramirez will have stellar seasons. Any coincidence to the fact it is also the last year of their contracts should be ignored.

Prince Fielder will give up on being a vegetarian after a 0-22 slump in mid June. By mid-September, he will be back to his “I can’t believe he is a professional athlete” physique.

Jose Canseco will release a third book titled “Fabricated,” in which he refutes that Clemens, McGuire and Bonds used steroids and instead accuses Greg Maddox, David Eckstein and Chone Figgins.

There will be a game played in Florida this year in which the total number of players and coaches will outnumber the total fans in attendance. This will probably happen by the second game of the season.

Some TV play by play announcer will mispronounce Cubs’ outfielder Kosuke Fukudome’s name. This will bring about a hefty fine by the FCC, an unpaid suspension and millions of hits on You Tube.

The Seattle Mariners will win the World Series. This is not a joke. Yeah, I’m the same guy who picked the Eagles and Ravens to play in the Super Bowl, so what?


Anonymous said...

Well, at least you got the Fu-ku-do-me one right!!

Anonymous said...

Actually, with that 3-run homer in the bottom of the ninth yesterday, they should nickname him "F-Bomb"!