Week One- Let the Hysteria Begin!

The best thing about this weekend is not that it’s the start of football season. No, the best thing is that it’s the start of “over-reaction” season, my favorite emotional response next to “hysterical paralysis.” After the week one, fans for each team go through this frenzied reaction to what they just witnessed. Either the reaction is irrational exuberance because their team has a shot at 16-0 or inconsolable grief because they are looking at 0-16.

The fans are so sensitive because they have been without real football for so long. Their football brain has een dormant for six months so it cannot process all this stimuli. To make it understandable to women who hate football, this would be the equivalent of not being able to shop for six months then dropping you in the middle of a Macy’s one-day sale. For those men who do like football, this would be like taking away all your "Golden Girls" DVDs and then all of a sudden letting you watch a 24-hour marathon of Blanche’s great moments.

Well, I can’t wait for the over-reaction to begin. So with each of my predictions this week, I am going to tell you how the fans will take the results. Let the hysteria begin!

So far I am 1-0 for the season. I should quit while I am ahead, but I know you desperately need my picks for your own personal financial gain. Also, I never quit while I am ahead, that’s why I’m broke.

My picks are in bold.
*- denotes I really feel so strongly about this I might, might actually place my own money on it.

*Kansas City at Houston –3
Chiefs fan- “Why don’t they just run Larry Johnson 60 times a game!”
Texans fan- “Did you see that ½ sack Mario Williams got! That’s why we picked him over Reggie who!”

Denver –3.5 at Buffalo
Denver fan- “I feel like Jay Cutler is going to make us all forget that Elway guy.”
Buffalo fan – “God, that November 11 road trip to Miami can’t come soon enough.”

*Pittsburgh –5 at Cleveland
Steelers fan- “I told you that Bill Cowher’s running and defense first philosophy was killing us. That’s why we only won one Super Bowl and not 10!”
Browns fan- “Is Tim Couch still a free agent?”

Tennessee at Jacksonville –6.5
Titans fan- “Why doesn’t Vince Young just throw the ball to himself. Bet he has better hands than any of our receivers.”
Jaguars fan- “Oh my god, did you see our quarterback play an entire game without limping!”

Carolina at St. Louis –1
Panthers fan- “Compared to watching the Panthers play, I guess hurricane season ain't that bad.”
Rams fan- “We are so going to be in the playoff hunt until the very last week of the season and then blow it by losing to Arizona. Yeah!”

Philadelphia –3 at Green Bay
Eagles fan “ F***ing eagles are f***ing awesome and if you says anytun I’m going f***king shove you earlobe up your nose. You hear me kid?!”
Packers fan “I don’t look at the 5 ints and 10 overthrows. Favre just needs some blocking and he’ll take us to the Super Bowl. He walks on water you know.”

Atlanta at Minnesota –3
Falcons fan – “Look, technically Vick is still on the roster and he doesn’t have to report to prison until December, so why not…”
Vikings fan – “I think Tavaris Jackson is the second coming to Fran Tarkenton. Oh lord, that means four Super Bowl losses! Bring back Bubby Brister!”

Miami +3 at Washington
Dolphins fan- “I knew passing on Brady Quinn was a great idea. Look at the way Ted Guinn Jr. sits on the bench. He sits on the bench so much better that Brady would have.”
Redskins fan- “He looks like Joe Gibbs, he sounds like Joe Gibbs, but has anyone noticed he is turning into Captain Queeg from the USS Caine? ”


New England at NY Jets +6.5
Patriots fan- “Why couldn’t Rodney have kept his mouth shut about the HGH just like the rest of our team.”
Jets fan- “Look I love my son and all, but the Jets winning it all would make me happier than they day he was born. Don't tell his mother I said that.”

*Tampa Bay at Seattle –6
Buccaneers fan- “What’s that? We have a pro football team?”
Seahawks fan- “This team has got me so happy I am cutting back from 6 to 3 my daily dose of Prozac.”

Chicago at San Diego –6
Bears fan – “I blame Grossman for not only this loss, but for the foreclosure on my home, the downsizing of my job and my ED problem.”
Chargers fan- “This team is so great that I am definitely going to keep cheering for them after they move to LA in two years.”

Detroit +1.5 at Oakland
Lions fan- “You think if we go 8-8, we can talk Barry Sanders into coming back?”
Raiders fan- “I plead no contest, your honor.”

NY Giants at Dallas –6
Giants fan- “If da Jets have a better year dan us, I’ll bees so depressed I’m gonna slit someone’s wrists.”
Cowboys fan-“See Parcells, was just too tough on this team. Expecting them to play hard every down and not make mistakes. Hey, the Switzer approach got us our last Super Bowl didn’t it?”

Baltimore +3 at Cincinnati
Ravens fans- “I’m not saying they win “pretty.” I’m not even going to say they win “good looking in a natural sort of way.” I won't even go so far as to say they win in a “comely but grows on you fashion.” They win ugly, but I still love them.”
Bengals fan- “Is it just me or do they play better when under indictment?”

*Arizona at San Francisco –3
Cardinals fans “Death, taxes, and the Cardinals missing the playoffs.”
49ers fan- “Hey, go back to that Golden Girls marathon!”

Prelude to the 2007 Season

It is that time of the year again. The time when hope springs eternal. Time when old men become young again. When even atheists have faith. When every true, red-blooded football fan believes deep down inside, with every fiber of their being, and against all reason and logic, that this is THE year. This is the year that Matt Millen finally gets fired as Lions GM.

Well I hate to throw cold water on your hopes and dreams, but there is a greater chance of a Hooters opening up in Tehran than Matt Millen getting fired. His genius of drafting strictly wide receivers will finally be proven out this season when the Lions unveil their 9- receiver set. True, Kitna will have to deliver the ball in .035 seconds after taking the snap, but Mike Martz is just the kind of guy who can make this work. Think I am kidding. I boldly predict that the Lions will win more than six games this year. How’s that for putting myself out on a limb.

Here are some of my other bold face type predictions for the upcoming season:

More players will be suspended for illegal substance use than there will be victories for the Buccaneers. This HGH scandal is just the tip of the needle. In a league where a Super Bowl punter (Todd Sauerbrun) was linked to steroid use, you have got to believe there are a lot of players using heavy amounts of special flaxseed oil. By the way, Rodney Harrison admits to HGH use and there is barely a peep. Barry Bonds is only suggested to have used it and people treat him like he’s got strain resistant TB. The NFL is so Teflon.

Another active player will be thrown to the dogs. I can’t believe Michael Vick was the only football player involved in dog fighting. I bet there are several players in the league right now hoping and praying that whatever deal the Feds are offering Vick, it does not include naming other players. Of course, should they get caught, they will always find a place as Vick’s teammate on the 2009 Oakland Raiders.

Herm Edwards' post game new conferences will be far more entertaining than any new show on this fall’s TV schedule. As a matter of fact, I predict ABC will drop “Cavemen” and just run the best of clips of Herm explaining why his team ran only one play in the final 2 minutes of a game.

Dante Culpepper will have a better season than Trent Green. As a Dolphin fan, I am as sure of this as I am that Wes Welker will catch a three touchdowns against the Dolphins. I am not a bitter fan, I’m not. It is just that there is a lump of coal where my heart once beat because those Dolphins cut it out of me.

Starting from Week 5 on, every game the Giants play will be for Tom Coughlin’s job. He’ll survive the season but it will be excruciating to watch the whole “Dead Man Coaching” play out. But after it’s over, he’ll have a new gig on the Today in a segment called “Tiki and Tom’s Relationship and Barbeque Tips.”

Travis Henry will be named the league’s MVP- Most Vigorous Procreator It recently came out that Henry has fathered nine children from nine different women in four states. With that kind of accuracy, you would think Henry would make a hell of a quarterback. Watch out Jay Cutler! Not necessarily for your job, but be careful Travis does not impregnate you.

Baltimore Ravens will go to the Super Bowl for the AFC. I predict this for three reasons
1. Their defense is still strong and, with Willis McGahee, their offense will be just good enough to win the AFC.
2. Because picking the Patriots would be the simple thing to do.
3. Because Ray Lewis scares the #$%& out of me and said if I didn’t pick them he would “obstruct justice” on my ass.

Philadelphia Eagles will go to the Super Bowl from the NFC. I predict this for three reasons.
1. Hell hath no fury like a QB scorned, and McNabb is scorned over the Eagles taking a QB with their fist pick. He was hurt. He’s cried over several appletinis with his boys. And now he’s a new man and ready to show Coach Reid that “Nobody puts Donovan in the corner!”
2. Coach Reid needs to keep this season running as long as possible so he can avoid having to deal with his delinquent sons. Look, that quality time with the family didn’t keep his kids out of trouble, why not try the away for work approach. By the way, how does a guy from BYU end up with two sons who drink and do drugs?
3. Because Philly fan scares me more than Ray Lewis. At least Ray Ray has something to live for and might come to his senses and stop pummeling me. Philly fan lives in Philadelphia. Why would life in prison scare them?

And for my first game prediction of the new season,

Colts – 5.5 over the Saints

I think this game will be closer to Arena Football than regular football. I see the defenses of the Colts and Saints putting up about as much resistance as Democrats to the Bush administration. This means there will be a lot of yelling, probably a few sacks and interceptions, but at the end of the day the offenses will be deploying players into the end zone at will.

MOVE OVER BONDS....

BONDS BREAKS HOME RUN RECORD

SAN FRANCISCO- August 8, 2007- (BTM News) And the answer to the trivia question is Tim Redding. That’s the pitcher who served up home run number 757 to Barry Lamar Bonds that made him the new home run king of all time. Bonds’ home run against the Washington Nationals gave him the record as he surpassed the hallowed 756 home run mark set by Barry Bonds in 2007. The previous record was held for nearly 22 hours, a period of time in which many writers and fans thought it would never be broken. But Bonds’ never shared that doubt and looked supremely confident as he strolled to the plate tonight to take his shot at history.

After crossing home plate and pointing towards the heavens, Bonds took the PA microphone and thanked all his fans, teammates and family for sticking with him through these past 1320 minutes as he tried to reach this milestone. He also thanked Greg A. for his “quiet, very, very quiet,” support. He also thanked twelve unnamed grand jury members for their indecision and lack of consensus. At the conclusion of his speech, a video message was played from none other than the man he just surpassed, Barry Bonds. A clearly moved Bonds listen intently as Bonds congratulated him on the great achievement that “required skill, longevity and determination …and flaxseed oil, plenty of good old fashioned flaxseed oil.”

Baseball commissioner Bud Selig was not in attendance at tonight’s game. When reached at his Milwaukee home, Mr. Selig replied he was really sorry he couldn’t make it, but this is the night he washes his hair. “As any guy will tell you, when you wash your hair, it’s just best stay home and curl up with a good book or Meg Ryan movie.”

It is anyone’s guess how long this record will last. Many fans and sports writers alike speculate that Alex Rodriguez, Albert Pujols or Barry Bonds will eventually pass the 757 home run mark.

Giants’ director of over-indulgent celebrations Gene Rackin told reporters, “as long as Barry has a chance to break this record, and as long as this team has nothing else to play for, we as an organization will plan to celebrate the hell of this thing every time he breaks it. What else have we got?”

For media inquiries, contact:
Oh heck, who are you kidding? Like Barry is going to give YOU an interview!

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Offensive calls

Every time Alex Rodriguez hits a home run, the Yankees’ radio broadcasters do something very disturbing. First, Susan Waldman has an orgasm. Actually, I not sure if she REALLY is having one, I can never tell the real thing from the fake one.

Then John Sterling gives his signature call “It’s an A-Bomb,… from A-Rod!”

Does any one else think this just might be a little distasteful? At the very least it’s a bit dated since it sounds like a call from the 1950s when the A-Bomb was still cool. There are two teammates of A-Rod who very well might have had distant relatives who endured the only A-Bomb ever used in war. How does that conversation go?

Hideki Matsui: “So let me understand, the announcer-san is equating you hitting ball over wall with unleashing power of the sun to wipe hundreds of thousands of people?”

A-Rod: “Yeah, isn’t it a hoot?”

Fortunately, this conversation probably never occurred since:
a) Matsui doesn’t speak English that well and,
b) no one on the Yankees actually speaks to A-Rod.

But the “A-Bomb for A-Rod” got me thinking about other offensive calls that are just waiting to be said by some insensitive or liquored up announcer. Here are some possibilities:

“Pull the plug on Schiavo, it’s another loss for Sacramento!”

“Reyes rounded those bases like he was crossing the Rio Grande!”

“Let the puppies drown, Michael Vick picked up a first down!”

“The Steelers beat the Dolphins like they were baby seals!”

“The Redskins special teams played like it was the Special Olympics.”

“That curve hung longer than Saddam Hussein.”

“Rolen is not just in La Russa’s doghouse, he’s in his Abu Ghraib!”

“Ray Lewis blew up that play like a IED!”

“That slider was sicker than kissing a cold sore.”

“Holy back acne, it’s a home run for Giambi!”

“The Chiefs should have aborted that play...and had Herm pay for it.”

“Grossman was so clueless out there, he’ll be taking the shorts bus back to the hotel!”

“Pierre stole that base like it was a freshman’s virginity”

And the most offensive of all…

“Barry Bonds is the new home run king of all time!”


Feel free to share other offensive calls that have yet to be uttered.