Thursday, September 6, 2007

Week One- Let the Hysteria Begin!

The best thing about this weekend is not that it’s the start of football season. No, the best thing is that it’s the start of “over-reaction” season, my favorite emotional response next to “hysterical paralysis.” After the week one, fans for each team go through this frenzied reaction to what they just witnessed. Either the reaction is irrational exuberance because their team has a shot at 16-0 or inconsolable grief because they are looking at 0-16.

The fans are so sensitive because they have been without real football for so long. Their football brain has een dormant for six months so it cannot process all this stimuli. To make it understandable to women who hate football, this would be the equivalent of not being able to shop for six months then dropping you in the middle of a Macy’s one-day sale. For those men who do like football, this would be like taking away all your "Golden Girls" DVDs and then all of a sudden letting you watch a 24-hour marathon of Blanche’s great moments.

Well, I can’t wait for the over-reaction to begin. So with each of my predictions this week, I am going to tell you how the fans will take the results. Let the hysteria begin!

So far I am 1-0 for the season. I should quit while I am ahead, but I know you desperately need my picks for your own personal financial gain. Also, I never quit while I am ahead, that’s why I’m broke.

My picks are in bold.
*- denotes I really feel so strongly about this I might, might actually place my own money on it.

*Kansas City at Houston –3
Chiefs fan- “Why don’t they just run Larry Johnson 60 times a game!”
Texans fan- “Did you see that ½ sack Mario Williams got! That’s why we picked him over Reggie who!”

Denver –3.5 at Buffalo
Denver fan- “I feel like Jay Cutler is going to make us all forget that Elway guy.”
Buffalo fan – “God, that November 11 road trip to Miami can’t come soon enough.”

*Pittsburgh –5 at Cleveland
Steelers fan- “I told you that Bill Cowher’s running and defense first philosophy was killing us. That’s why we only won one Super Bowl and not 10!”
Browns fan- “Is Tim Couch still a free agent?”

Tennessee at Jacksonville –6.5
Titans fan- “Why doesn’t Vince Young just throw the ball to himself. Bet he has better hands than any of our receivers.”
Jaguars fan- “Oh my god, did you see our quarterback play an entire game without limping!”

Carolina at St. Louis –1
Panthers fan- “Compared to watching the Panthers play, I guess hurricane season ain't that bad.”
Rams fan- “We are so going to be in the playoff hunt until the very last week of the season and then blow it by losing to Arizona. Yeah!”

Philadelphia –3 at Green Bay
Eagles fan “ F***ing eagles are f***ing awesome and if you says anytun I’m going f***king shove you earlobe up your nose. You hear me kid?!”
Packers fan “I don’t look at the 5 ints and 10 overthrows. Favre just needs some blocking and he’ll take us to the Super Bowl. He walks on water you know.”

Atlanta at Minnesota –3
Falcons fan – “Look, technically Vick is still on the roster and he doesn’t have to report to prison until December, so why not…”
Vikings fan – “I think Tavaris Jackson is the second coming to Fran Tarkenton. Oh lord, that means four Super Bowl losses! Bring back Bubby Brister!”

Miami +3 at Washington
Dolphins fan- “I knew passing on Brady Quinn was a great idea. Look at the way Ted Guinn Jr. sits on the bench. He sits on the bench so much better that Brady would have.”
Redskins fan- “He looks like Joe Gibbs, he sounds like Joe Gibbs, but has anyone noticed he is turning into Captain Queeg from the USS Caine? ”

New England at NY Jets +6.5
Patriots fan- “Why couldn’t Rodney have kept his mouth shut about the HGH just like the rest of our team.”
Jets fan- “Look I love my son and all, but the Jets winning it all would make me happier than they day he was born. Don't tell his mother I said that.”

*Tampa Bay at Seattle –6
Buccaneers fan- “What’s that? We have a pro football team?”
Seahawks fan- “This team has got me so happy I am cutting back from 6 to 3 my daily dose of Prozac.”

Chicago at San Diego –6
Bears fan – “I blame Grossman for not only this loss, but for the foreclosure on my home, the downsizing of my job and my ED problem.”
Chargers fan- “This team is so great that I am definitely going to keep cheering for them after they move to LA in two years.”

Detroit +1.5 at Oakland
Lions fan- “You think if we go 8-8, we can talk Barry Sanders into coming back?”
Raiders fan- “I plead no contest, your honor.”

NY Giants at Dallas –6
Giants fan- “If da Jets have a better year dan us, I’ll bees so depressed I’m gonna slit someone’s wrists.”
Cowboys fan-“See Parcells, was just too tough on this team. Expecting them to play hard every down and not make mistakes. Hey, the Switzer approach got us our last Super Bowl didn’t it?”

Baltimore +3 at Cincinnati
Ravens fans- “I’m not saying they win “pretty.” I’m not even going to say they win “good looking in a natural sort of way.” I won't even go so far as to say they win in a “comely but grows on you fashion.” They win ugly, but I still love them.”
Bengals fan- “Is it just me or do they play better when under indictment?”

*Arizona at San Francisco –3
Cardinals fans “Death, taxes, and the Cardinals missing the playoffs.”
49ers fan- “Hey, go back to that Golden Girls marathon!”

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