Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Prelude to the 2007 Season

It is that time of the year again. The time when hope springs eternal. Time when old men become young again. When even atheists have faith. When every true, red-blooded football fan believes deep down inside, with every fiber of their being, and against all reason and logic, that this is THE year. This is the year that Matt Millen finally gets fired as Lions GM.

Well I hate to throw cold water on your hopes and dreams, but there is a greater chance of a Hooters opening up in Tehran than Matt Millen getting fired. His genius of drafting strictly wide receivers will finally be proven out this season when the Lions unveil their 9- receiver set. True, Kitna will have to deliver the ball in .035 seconds after taking the snap, but Mike Martz is just the kind of guy who can make this work. Think I am kidding. I boldly predict that the Lions will win more than six games this year. How’s that for putting myself out on a limb.

Here are some of my other bold face type predictions for the upcoming season:

More players will be suspended for illegal substance use than there will be victories for the Buccaneers. This HGH scandal is just the tip of the needle. In a league where a Super Bowl punter (Todd Sauerbrun) was linked to steroid use, you have got to believe there are a lot of players using heavy amounts of special flaxseed oil. By the way, Rodney Harrison admits to HGH use and there is barely a peep. Barry Bonds is only suggested to have used it and people treat him like he’s got strain resistant TB. The NFL is so Teflon.

Another active player will be thrown to the dogs. I can’t believe Michael Vick was the only football player involved in dog fighting. I bet there are several players in the league right now hoping and praying that whatever deal the Feds are offering Vick, it does not include naming other players. Of course, should they get caught, they will always find a place as Vick’s teammate on the 2009 Oakland Raiders.

Herm Edwards' post game new conferences will be far more entertaining than any new show on this fall’s TV schedule. As a matter of fact, I predict ABC will drop “Cavemen” and just run the best of clips of Herm explaining why his team ran only one play in the final 2 minutes of a game.

Dante Culpepper will have a better season than Trent Green. As a Dolphin fan, I am as sure of this as I am that Wes Welker will catch a three touchdowns against the Dolphins. I am not a bitter fan, I’m not. It is just that there is a lump of coal where my heart once beat because those Dolphins cut it out of me.

Starting from Week 5 on, every game the Giants play will be for Tom Coughlin’s job. He’ll survive the season but it will be excruciating to watch the whole “Dead Man Coaching” play out. But after it’s over, he’ll have a new gig on the Today in a segment called “Tiki and Tom’s Relationship and Barbeque Tips.”

Travis Henry will be named the league’s MVP- Most Vigorous Procreator It recently came out that Henry has fathered nine children from nine different women in four states. With that kind of accuracy, you would think Henry would make a hell of a quarterback. Watch out Jay Cutler! Not necessarily for your job, but be careful Travis does not impregnate you.

Baltimore Ravens will go to the Super Bowl for the AFC. I predict this for three reasons
1. Their defense is still strong and, with Willis McGahee, their offense will be just good enough to win the AFC.
2. Because picking the Patriots would be the simple thing to do.
3. Because Ray Lewis scares the #$%& out of me and said if I didn’t pick them he would “obstruct justice” on my ass.

Philadelphia Eagles will go to the Super Bowl from the NFC. I predict this for three reasons.
1. Hell hath no fury like a QB scorned, and McNabb is scorned over the Eagles taking a QB with their fist pick. He was hurt. He’s cried over several appletinis with his boys. And now he’s a new man and ready to show Coach Reid that “Nobody puts Donovan in the corner!”
2. Coach Reid needs to keep this season running as long as possible so he can avoid having to deal with his delinquent sons. Look, that quality time with the family didn’t keep his kids out of trouble, why not try the away for work approach. By the way, how does a guy from BYU end up with two sons who drink and do drugs?
3. Because Philly fan scares me more than Ray Lewis. At least Ray Ray has something to live for and might come to his senses and stop pummeling me. Philly fan lives in Philadelphia. Why would life in prison scare them?

And for my first game prediction of the new season,

Colts – 5.5 over the Saints

I think this game will be closer to Arena Football than regular football. I see the defenses of the Colts and Saints putting up about as much resistance as Democrats to the Bush administration. This means there will be a lot of yelling, probably a few sacks and interceptions, but at the end of the day the offenses will be deploying players into the end zone at will.

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