Thursday, January 4, 2007

Are you ready for some playoffs?

Now the real games begin. Post season football. It doesn’t get any better than this.

For the 12 teams that made it, this week they are strutting around and high on life…and prescription pain medication. The funny thing is, within the next 4 weeks, 11 of these teams will walk off the field, helmet in hand, biting their bottom lip until it bleeds so they don’t cry.

And eleven head coaches will have to go to the pressroom podium and give the following speech…

I just want to say how very proud I am of this team. They gave it all they had and there was no quit in them. No one gave us a chance and thought we would get this far. My players should be proud. (pause as he bows head to fight tears) They are a damn good team (another, longer pause)
Of course, I give credit to (insert winning team). They played well and did enough to win.
And I am not going to get into the officiating. Tapes will be sent to the league office and I’ll leave it at that.
Before I take any questions, I just want to say I have not made any decisions about my future and will ask you respect the fact I’ll need some time before I decide anything. Now, first question…”

Then 50 questions will follow alternating between asking about his future, about the officiating, and about Terrell Owens (irregardless of whether he was playing in the game)

See I just saved from having to watch ESPN News post game coverage. That’s a hours of your life you that some day you will appreciate you had.

Now, it’s on to my picks.

My regular season ended on a slightly winning note last week as I went 9-7 and 3-2 with my star picks. That means I ended the year 123-118-6 and 36-36-1. At least I went over .500, at the very least.

But, they say you throw the stats out when the playoff begin. It’s a new season, the slate is clean and, just like the Kansas City Chiefs, I get a new lease on life that I probably don’t deserve.

Indianapolis -7

All week long, people had been talking about how Kansas City will run all over the Colts. And they will. My friends two year old can run all over the Colts. But something tells me Peyton, by his shear will, goes off for 400 yards and 4 TDs and makes everyone think they have a chance to go all the way. Until next week, when they lose at Baltimore.

Seattle –3

Usually in the playoffs, there is a game where one team doesn’t look like they deserve to be there. This game, we get the pleasure to have two teams that don’t deserve to be there. The game comes down to this equation:

[A (essentially) Rookie QB] + [Playing in his first playoff game] + [on the road] x [the toughest crowd in football] = a blowout loss.

Five to one says that when the game is almost over and out of reach, Parcells looks over to TO and just cold cocks him.

NY Jets +9

This is going to be like one of those heavyweight battles where the two pugilists clutch and grab for 10 rounds in the awkward “Dance of the Neanderthal”. But those last two rounds will make it all the worthwhile.

And just like Apollo Creed at the end of “Rocky,” a bloodied and wobbly Bill Belichick is going to mumble to Mangini “aint gonna be no rematch.”

New York +7

You see, it’s a conspiracy my brother. The Giants looked good and effective last week. Looked like a real playoff team. They want me to pick them. They are begging me to pick them.
They are like that ex-girlfriend who cleaned herself up, stopped drinking on weekdays, and got a solid paying job at a Hooters knock off. You think, “hey maybe this time it’ll be different. Maybe this time she won’t wreck my car, sleep with my best friend, and drink all my beer.”

This time, it won’t work! Oh, hell I can't stay made at you when you wear that half shirt. Okay, I'll pick you Giants

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