Friday, January 12, 2007

"Ungrateful Person Award" and Playoffs, Part II

This week’s winner of the “most ungrateful person on earth” award goes to previous five- time winner Terrell Owens. This time he wins for his unceremonious dismissal of his PR person, Kim Etheredge. That’s a peculiar way of saying, “thank you very much.” This woman did two things none of us are capable of ever doing: she purposely prevented Terrell from committing suicide, and she actually made him look good.

Her inept performance at his post-overdose press conference was a stroke of brilliance.
People came away from that saying, “Terrell might be crazy, but that girl is whacked!” And that is exactly what every good PR person should do. By whatever means necessary, they need to make the public forget how screwed up their client is, even if it means turning yourself into a national laughing stock.

Her remark that “Terrell has 25 million reasons why he should be alive” has got to go down in the “What the hell did they just say” Hall of Fame along with Jim Mora’s “Playoff?! ” and Dennis Green’s “Crown them if you want...we knew what they were” rant. Congratulations Kim. Just like them, you are forever famous…and unemployed.

Terrell, you had something special with Kim. You probably think all you need is Tony Romo’s Crisco fingers to keep the heat off of you. But, you’ll screw up again...and again…and again. But don’t worry, next season, you’ll probably have one million heavily incentive laden reasons not to kill yourself.

Now that Kim Etheredge has an opening in her client list, I have a few referrals for her. These are people who could really use a good flack to take the bad press bullet for them.

Barry Bonds- It would take all his “unreported” baseball card signing income, and then some, for it to be worth taking him on as a client. If Kim were his PR person, she could have scooped those amphetamines out of his mouth before he swallowed and did permanent harm to a body completely devoid of chemical supplements.

Nick Saban- Three years from now, Kim will be at the press conference to address rumors that Nick is leaving for the vacant Arizona Cardinals position, “Nick has 32 million reasons why he should be the head coach of Alabama.” Next day, Kim gets fired and Nick buys a house in Phoenix.

Al Davis- Reacting to media criticism of Mr. Davis, Kim blurts out “Al has 25 million reasons to he should pretend to be alive.”

The Cincinnati Bengals- They had more felony arrests than victories this season. What better client than them to use “The media are just blowing it out of proportion” defense. “Only 17% of the team got arrested. Are you telling me 17% of your co-workers haven’t been arrested this year? If this was any other team, you all would not be talking about it.” This will be followed by Bengals’ kicker Shayne Graham mugging her.

Now, on to my picks. One thing I have to say about my football-picking prowess, I am incredibly consistent. I was around .500 picking in the regular season. I am .500 during the postseason. No playoff let down with me. After going 2-2 last week, I predict I will go 2-2 this week. The key is to figure out which two I’ll get right.

Indianapolis at Baltimore –4
Indy coming back to Baltimore is like Benedict Arnold going back to West Point.
“Oh Benedict. When you deserted us, we were just a lowly fort on the edge of the wilderness. Now, we house the premiere academy for the strongest military in history.” The Baltimore Colts were the resident doormat of the old AFC East; the Baltimore Ravens have a Super Bowl. I think that’s a fair deal.

Philadelphia +5.5 at New Orleans
There are three things in Philly’s favor. First, the Eagles simply don’t lose in the playoffs…until the NFC Championship game. Second, Jeff Garcia is like that guy playing online poker with “virtual” money. He doesn’t care if he plays 3-6 off suit to a huge raise; he knows he can’t lose. Third, the crime rate in New Orleans has skyrocketed to the point that the Eagles may feel like this is a home game.

Seattle at Chicago –8.5
If at some point Chicago gets over a touchdown lead, Lovie Smith is going to chain Grossman’s right arm to an anvil, put that anvil in a block of cement, burry that into the Soldier field turf, and then paved the turf over with asphalt. Despite these measures, Rex will still find a way to throw 3 picks. Nothing can hold that kid down. He’s got moxey.

New England +4.5 at San Diego
Since Miami is out of the playoffs, I decided to root for the team that plays in the next warmest climate. Sorry San Diego, that means you. My pulling for you is the French kiss of death.
My biggest concern is Marty will go conservative in the 2nd half: shutting down his passing attack, playing a prevent defense, and lowering taxes while limiting the role of government in social issues.

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