Week 15- Thursday Night Special

Here’s a news flash…tonight... it is going to rain in Seattle. This is breaking news. I repeat, “It will rain…in Seattle.” This happens only 226 days a year so you might want to watch just for the novelty of it all.

Here are some other reasons you should watch:

If the Seahawks win, instead of Gatorade, Mike Holmgren will get doused with a bucket full of Mocha Frappacino.

Not only will coach Mike Nolan dress like an old time coach, he will have his players go old school too. In a nod to the past, all Niners will play with leather helmets and no facemasks.

There will be a halftime tribute to Grunge music with performances by John Cougar Mellencamp, Kelly Clarkson, and Burt Bacharach.

Or you could just ignore the game like most of us who can’t watch it because of crappy cable systems.

Just take my word for it…it’ll be close in the first half, something like 13-10 or 10-7. But then Seattle will go in for their halftime “double red eye with extra sugar” and open it up in the second half. Seattle not only wins, they cover the 9.5 point spread. It’s as certain as the sun rising…and being blocked out by cloud cover.

Subscribe in a reader

Week 14 Football Picks

It’s that most wonderful time of the year. The time for glad tidings, holiday parties, and most of all, stressing to the point of nausea over what gifts to get people. We stress out to find the perfect gift. When that fails, you get them whatever is on sale.

That’s why I do all my holiday shopping at Wal-Mart. It’s cheap. It’s convenient. It’s got everything …that can be made by 13 year old Chinese women. This year, most of my family and friends with be getting tube socks and a 5 pound container of chocolate pudding, because who doesn’t need socks and you can never have enough chocolate pudding.

But this is also the time to turn our thoughts toward those less fortunate in our society. Of course, I am talking about NFL head coaches. Is there any group more deserving of our sympathy? Each weekend, we see these poor bastards wander aimlessly up and down a white chalk line. They are often seen screaming, scratching, pleading, and scowling. They remind us of that guy reeking of urine at the bus depot who is yelling at the vending machine for allowing Nixon to get involved in Cambodia.

Of this group, there are some who are in an even more desperate state. They are the coaches commonly referred to as “on the hot seat”. They are easy to identify because management just gave them a vote of confidence. Well, I am taking it upon myself to help these pitiful souls. In the spirit of the holiday season, here are the gifts I am giving these coaches. Of course, all items can be found at Wal-Mart. I may be thoughtful, but I am still cheap.

Dennis Green- “America’s 100 Best Places to Retire”. Look, there is no way he is going to save his job, why not let him get a jump on his relocation plans. Ironically, Arizona is one the top 5 havens for retirees so maybe he can re-gift this to Larry Coker.

Art Shell- Razor E150 electric Scooter. If you watch Art during a game, it looks like he barely has the energy to chew gum much less walk the sidelines. Not only will the electric scooter make it easier for him to get up and down the sidelines, it will make it easier for him to get away from Randy Moss when he comes asking about a trade.

Jim Mora, Jr- X-Box with Madden ’07. Michael Vick might be a coach killer in real life, but in the virtual world, Jim can finally win that playoff game that eluded his father.

Tom Coughlin- Hudson 1-gallon Weed ‘n Bugger Eliminator Spray. The adjustable flex nozzle will make it easy for him to kill that bug up his ass.

Romeo Crennel- “You on a Diet- The Owner’s Manual for Waist Management”. There are a lot of overweight coaches in football, but Romeo is to the point he gets winded walking to mid-field for the post game handshake. If he wants to move on to a coveted college-coaching gig, he is going to have to slim down to Charlie Weiss size, without the life threatening surgery.

Matt Millen (GM)- Canon ZR500 MiniDV Camcorder. I know he’s not a coach, but his seat has got to be scorching. The only way he keeps his job is to use this camera to catch William Clay Ford in an inappropriate act with an underage penguin, or worse, driving a Toyota.

Now, here are my fearless predictions. Last week I was exceptionally average. Not good. Not bad. Just 8-8, but 3-2 on my star picks. This makes me 88-89-6 and 25-27-1 on my star picks.

My picks are in bold:

*Oakland at Cincinnati -10.5: Warren Sapp still holds a grudge against the Bengals for pulling a contract off the table at the last minute in 2004, leading him to go to Oakland. You know who else is still upset about that? The Raiders. W

Minnesota +2 at Detroit: Everything is in Detroit’s favor this week. They are playing at home. They played better last week. Minnesota is playing lousy and has a ton of injuries. This only means one thing for the Lions. A double-digit loss. W

Baltimore +3 at Kansas City: Vegas makes KC the favorite even though the Ravens are obviously the better team. Most betters see this, and think oh Vegas wants me to bet the Ravens, I’m not falling into that trap; I’ll go with KC. Well, I’m not falling into that reverse trap, I’ll take my chances with the original trap. I just got a migraine coming up with that logic. W

New England -3.5 at Miami: Alabama’s wooing of Nick Saban is sort of like a guy at a wedding hitting on the bride. It’s obvious she just made a “commitment” with some one else, but Alabama was hoping Nick’s first dance with his groom, Dante Culpepper, would make him realize he is in for a long and loveless marriage. L

*Atlanta -3 at Tampa Bay: This week, Jim Mora Sr. was forced to resign his job at Fox Sports Radio. Michael Vick has moved up from coach killer to “sports talk radio host” killer. He would stop until he brings down Madden! W

Philadelphia -1 at Washington: The Redskins will be playing at home for the third straight game which means they have now spent more time in Washington than any senator. W

NY Giants +3.5 at Carolina: This is a “do or die” game for the Giants. So far, New York is 0-4 in “do or die” games this year. They have more lives Jason Voorhees, and the same psychological condition. W

Indianapolis -1 at Jacksonville: Indianapolis is really conscious of their reputation as playoff time chokers. This year, they are bucking that trend by beginning to play lousy before the playoffs start thus lowering expectations. When they eventually lose in the first round, it'll be an easier blow for their fans to take. Tony Dungy is such a considerate guy. L

Tennessee +2 at Houston: It's the old Oilers vs. the new Oilers. In tribute to the past, both head coaches will wear ten gallon hats, Earl Campbell will do the coin toss, and then the old Pittsburgh Steelers will come out and beat up on both teams. W

*Seattle -3.5 at Arizona: In the last two weeks, Seattle has pretty much taken off the first half and yet still won the game. Against Arizona, the Seahawks are not planning to show up to the stadium until the 2 minute warning of the 4th quarter. That’s plenty of time for Arizona to turn it over 4 times and miss a last chance field goal. L

*Green Bay at San Francisco -4.5: Green Bay was completely humiliated by the Jets last week. On offense, defense, and special teams. It was embarrassing. Although, I thought it was a bit much when the Jets gave Brett Favre an atomic wedgie and threw him into the girls’ locker room. L

*Buffalo at NY Jets -3.5: Buffalo fans like to call this game “The Battle of New York”. The problem is 7 out of 10 Americans don’t know Buffalo is in New York. To further complicate matters, those 9 out of 10 said they didn’t know Buffalo still had a football team. L

Denver at San Diego -7.5: When is Denver going to finally pull Plummer and put in Jay Culter?! Plummer was pathetic last week. Failing to move the offense. Throwing too many picks. Looking absolutely clueless. What are they waiting for…what’s that? They already made the switch. That was Jay Culter last week? Seriously? That sure looked like Plummer. You sure? Okay. When the hell are they going to pull Cutler and put in Plummer?! W

New Orleans at Dallas -7: This love affair ESPN has with Tony Romo is getting a bit out of hand. Michael Irvin got a “Romo” tattoo on his left butt cheek. Sean Salisbury designated Tony as his proxy in his Living Will, and Rachel Nichols got impregnated just by interviewing him. L

Chicago -6.5 at St. Louis: Let’s all stop criticizing Rex Grossman for throwing those interceptions and instead heap praise on the defensive backs getting those interceptions. They say the hardest ball to catch is the one thrown right at you. W

Record 10-6
Star picks 2-3

Week 14- Thursday Night Special

So far this season, there have been 4 Thursday games (not counting the opener). In those games, the home team has won and covered in 3 of the 4. The only home team to lose was the Detroit Lions but I’m not counting CFL teams.

Also, Pittsburgh has beaten Cleveland 11 out of the last 12 times, winning the last six in a row, and more importantly to us degenerate gambler types, the Steelers covered in all those games.

Cleveland is probably starting Derek Anderson at quarterback. Raise you hand if you ever heard of Derek Anderson before last weekend.

Okay three people just raised their hand. One was Drew Carey. The second was Derek Anderson’s mom (but she still doesn’t understand exactly what he does for a living). And three was a guy who mistook him for Derek Anderson, the backup point guard for the Charlotte Bobcats.

Now granted, Pittsburgh is out of the playoff hunt. Bill Cowher is already borrowing Hines Ward’s truck to haul furniture to his new house in North Carolina. And they are so short handed at safety and wide receiver that Donnie Shell and John Stallworth have been spotted at the Steelers training facility.

In spite of all that, there are just too many things going in the Steelers favorite for them to screw it up. The biggest advantage will be a home crowd hopped up on Iron City Beer that will work them into a frenzy while at the same time dull their collective pain brought on by knowing the Pirates play ball in only four months.

So, take the Steelers –7. I feel so confident in this pick that I would be willing to bet all of your money on it.

Week 13 Football Picks

Long before “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas”, the commonly held sports credo was “What happens in the locker room, stays in the locker room…until 10 years after you retire, then you can write about it in a tell all book with a 6 figure advance.”

But that was then, and this is now. Lately, players have been blabbing about what goes on behind the scenes like a drunk girl telling her guy about all her ex-boyfriends. If you ask the guy, he’ll say “Yeah, baby, I want you to feel comfortable about sharing everything.” But secretly ladies, we really wish you would have the common decency to allow us our self-delusion that we’re the only man you’ve ever been with.

It’s the same thing with our sports heroes. I want to believe that everything is great, that all the players get along and that they’re all working really hard to achieve MY goal of winning a championship. I don’t want to hear about all the in fighting, name-calling, second-guessing, and general bitching and moaning. I spend over 45 hours a week in an office. I get that in spades everyday. When I turn on ESPN, the last thing I want to think is, “Boy Shockey sure sounds like the secretary down the hall who’s pissed off at the new guy in HR.”

Also, I don’t want to hear anything bad about a player. When did we get so high and mighty? Some guys have a hard time operating a motor vehicle after drinking a six-pack. Who cares?! Some guys like to use their middle finger to show they’re number one. So what! Some guys like to participate in the interstate distribution of illegal narcotics. Who doesn’t?! So long as they protect my QB’s blind side, don’t fumble on the goal line, and, most importantly, put up over 20 points for my fantasy team, I don’t care. Give me the days of yore when Mickey Mantle’s pre-game hurling because of an all-night bender was reported as a mild touch of the flu.

But alas, this is the era where we have to know everything. Everyone has to “share” his feelings. Athletes go on sports talk radio and just “tell it like it is” because they “got to keep it real.” No you don’t. You can keep it “fake”. It works for our government. What? Acting like the leader of the free world isn’t good enough for you? Will it cost you street cred?

Although, I have to say I do admire the players who have the guts to claim they were misquoted despite that fact they were just broadcast live to over 20 million people. You must have no smaller than size XXXL cojones to try to pull that off. I’m not sure how such a person can even walk.

So thanks to this new era of Glasnost, this week we learned that:

The NY Giants are as dysfunctional as a Jackson family reunion.
Troy Williamson of the Vikings can take a punch but can’t run a 15-yard out.
Art Shell (aka Capt. Queeg) thinks there is a traitor in his mist.
Football players find slavery to be a better source of humor than the Polish.
and, most importantly, Tony Romo is not dating Jessica Simpson.

Is it any wonder that Sports Illustrated and People Magazine are owned by the same parent company?

Last week I went 9-7 on my picks and 2-3 on my star picks. For the season, I am just below the water line at 80-81-6 and 22-25-1 on my star picks.

Here are the picks for this week, with a little clubhouse secret that you’ll only get from me. My picks are in bold.

San Diego –6 at Buffalo: LaDainian Tomilson is still not satisfied with his role on the team. He was overheard lobbying the coaching staff to let him play free safety, kick field goals, and choreograph the cheerleading squad. L

Minnesota at Chicago –9: It’s not all Rex’s fault. Brian Urlacher has been secretly encouraging Grossman to throw more picks. It seems Brian gets a $200,000 bonus if he leads the league in tackles. W

Kansas City at Cleveland +5.5: Larry Johnson considers Herm Edwards a father figure. So much so that he hates Herm for never being there for him when he was young and blames him for his issues with commitment. W

NY Jets at Green Bay +1.5: Feeling ignored by the media, the Jets are game planning to blow a fourth quarter lead so they can grab the back pages from the Giants. In New York, it’s not whether you win or lose, it’s who gets the wittiest headlines. L

Indianapolis –7.5 at Tennessee: Jeff Fisher is telling friends that this is a “make or break” game for him. If the Titans pull out another upset victory, he fears he’ll be offered a contract extension keeping him from that job in Arizona. L

*Arizona at St. Louis –6.5: Cardinal players are concerned Dennis Green has given up on the season. One sign might be that instead of listening to his coordinators during the game, Green has piped into his headset Jay-Z’s new album. L

Detroit +13.5 at New England: To prove that he is the greatest defensive genius in NFL history, Belichick will try to win this game without fielding an offense. Keeping John Kitna on the field might be the best way for the Patriots to run up the score anyway. W

*San Francisco at New Orleans –7: The Niners were left heart broken over their last minute loss to the Rams. There were reports of a locker room littered with used Kleenexes, empty ice cream and bon-bon boxes, and a copy of “Waiting to Exhale” in the team DVD player. W

*Atlanta +1.5 at Washington: Michael Vick was so hurt by comments calling him a “coach killer” that he has decided to donate the league imposed $10,000 penalty to the “Jim Mora Jr. Future Unemployment Fund.” W

*Houston at Oakland –3: While supporters insist Art Shell is not paranoid about players and staff talking behind his back, word is Shell just hired as his new head of security John Ashcroft. L

Jacksonville +2 at Miami: Since they are undefeated when I do, the Dolphins are now paying me Dante Culpepper’s salary to pick against them. W

Dallas –3.5 at NY Giants: In a incredibly generous gesture on the eve of such a big game, Terrell Owens has offered to give the Giants a pep talk on team chemistry. L

*Tampa Bay at Pittsburgh –7: After last week’s nine sack beating at the hands of the Ravens, Ben Roethlisberger relaxed and enjoyed his off day by taking headers off his Suzuki.W

Seattle at Denver –3: My sources tell me it wasn’t all the interceptions and general ineptitude that cost Jake Plummer his job. It was the fact he didn’t buy his new Silverado from John Elway Chervolet. L

Carolina at Philadelphia +3: In a powerful sign of solidarity after the season ending injury to McNabb, the entire Eagle team has unified and agreed to rally around blaming Jeff Garcia for all future losses. W

Record 8-8
Star Picks 3-2