Friday, December 8, 2006

Week 14 Football Picks

It’s that most wonderful time of the year. The time for glad tidings, holiday parties, and most of all, stressing to the point of nausea over what gifts to get people. We stress out to find the perfect gift. When that fails, you get them whatever is on sale.

That’s why I do all my holiday shopping at Wal-Mart. It’s cheap. It’s convenient. It’s got everything …that can be made by 13 year old Chinese women. This year, most of my family and friends with be getting tube socks and a 5 pound container of chocolate pudding, because who doesn’t need socks and you can never have enough chocolate pudding.

But this is also the time to turn our thoughts toward those less fortunate in our society. Of course, I am talking about NFL head coaches. Is there any group more deserving of our sympathy? Each weekend, we see these poor bastards wander aimlessly up and down a white chalk line. They are often seen screaming, scratching, pleading, and scowling. They remind us of that guy reeking of urine at the bus depot who is yelling at the vending machine for allowing Nixon to get involved in Cambodia.

Of this group, there are some who are in an even more desperate state. They are the coaches commonly referred to as “on the hot seat”. They are easy to identify because management just gave them a vote of confidence. Well, I am taking it upon myself to help these pitiful souls. In the spirit of the holiday season, here are the gifts I am giving these coaches. Of course, all items can be found at Wal-Mart. I may be thoughtful, but I am still cheap.

Dennis Green- “America’s 100 Best Places to Retire”. Look, there is no way he is going to save his job, why not let him get a jump on his relocation plans. Ironically, Arizona is one the top 5 havens for retirees so maybe he can re-gift this to Larry Coker.

Art Shell- Razor E150 electric Scooter. If you watch Art during a game, it looks like he barely has the energy to chew gum much less walk the sidelines. Not only will the electric scooter make it easier for him to get up and down the sidelines, it will make it easier for him to get away from Randy Moss when he comes asking about a trade.

Jim Mora, Jr- X-Box with Madden ’07. Michael Vick might be a coach killer in real life, but in the virtual world, Jim can finally win that playoff game that eluded his father.

Tom Coughlin- Hudson 1-gallon Weed ‘n Bugger Eliminator Spray. The adjustable flex nozzle will make it easy for him to kill that bug up his ass.

Romeo Crennel- “You on a Diet- The Owner’s Manual for Waist Management”. There are a lot of overweight coaches in football, but Romeo is to the point he gets winded walking to mid-field for the post game handshake. If he wants to move on to a coveted college-coaching gig, he is going to have to slim down to Charlie Weiss size, without the life threatening surgery.

Matt Millen (GM)- Canon ZR500 MiniDV Camcorder. I know he’s not a coach, but his seat has got to be scorching. The only way he keeps his job is to use this camera to catch William Clay Ford in an inappropriate act with an underage penguin, or worse, driving a Toyota.

Now, here are my fearless predictions. Last week I was exceptionally average. Not good. Not bad. Just 8-8, but 3-2 on my star picks. This makes me 88-89-6 and 25-27-1 on my star picks.

My picks are in bold:

*Oakland at Cincinnati -10.5: Warren Sapp still holds a grudge against the Bengals for pulling a contract off the table at the last minute in 2004, leading him to go to Oakland. You know who else is still upset about that? The Raiders. W

Minnesota +2 at Detroit: Everything is in Detroit’s favor this week. They are playing at home. They played better last week. Minnesota is playing lousy and has a ton of injuries. This only means one thing for the Lions. A double-digit loss. W

Baltimore +3 at Kansas City: Vegas makes KC the favorite even though the Ravens are obviously the better team. Most betters see this, and think oh Vegas wants me to bet the Ravens, I’m not falling into that trap; I’ll go with KC. Well, I’m not falling into that reverse trap, I’ll take my chances with the original trap. I just got a migraine coming up with that logic. W

New England -3.5 at Miami: Alabama’s wooing of Nick Saban is sort of like a guy at a wedding hitting on the bride. It’s obvious she just made a “commitment” with some one else, but Alabama was hoping Nick’s first dance with his groom, Dante Culpepper, would make him realize he is in for a long and loveless marriage. L

*Atlanta -3 at Tampa Bay: This week, Jim Mora Sr. was forced to resign his job at Fox Sports Radio. Michael Vick has moved up from coach killer to “sports talk radio host” killer. He would stop until he brings down Madden! W

Philadelphia -1 at Washington: The Redskins will be playing at home for the third straight game which means they have now spent more time in Washington than any senator. W

NY Giants +3.5 at Carolina: This is a “do or die” game for the Giants. So far, New York is 0-4 in “do or die” games this year. They have more lives Jason Voorhees, and the same psychological condition. W

Indianapolis -1 at Jacksonville: Indianapolis is really conscious of their reputation as playoff time chokers. This year, they are bucking that trend by beginning to play lousy before the playoffs start thus lowering expectations. When they eventually lose in the first round, it'll be an easier blow for their fans to take. Tony Dungy is such a considerate guy. L

Tennessee +2 at Houston: It's the old Oilers vs. the new Oilers. In tribute to the past, both head coaches will wear ten gallon hats, Earl Campbell will do the coin toss, and then the old Pittsburgh Steelers will come out and beat up on both teams. W

*Seattle -3.5 at Arizona: In the last two weeks, Seattle has pretty much taken off the first half and yet still won the game. Against Arizona, the Seahawks are not planning to show up to the stadium until the 2 minute warning of the 4th quarter. That’s plenty of time for Arizona to turn it over 4 times and miss a last chance field goal. L

*Green Bay at San Francisco -4.5: Green Bay was completely humiliated by the Jets last week. On offense, defense, and special teams. It was embarrassing. Although, I thought it was a bit much when the Jets gave Brett Favre an atomic wedgie and threw him into the girls’ locker room. L

*Buffalo at NY Jets -3.5: Buffalo fans like to call this game “The Battle of New York”. The problem is 7 out of 10 Americans don’t know Buffalo is in New York. To further complicate matters, those 9 out of 10 said they didn’t know Buffalo still had a football team. L

Denver at San Diego -7.5: When is Denver going to finally pull Plummer and put in Jay Culter?! Plummer was pathetic last week. Failing to move the offense. Throwing too many picks. Looking absolutely clueless. What are they waiting for…what’s that? They already made the switch. That was Jay Culter last week? Seriously? That sure looked like Plummer. You sure? Okay. When the hell are they going to pull Cutler and put in Plummer?! W

New Orleans at Dallas -7: This love affair ESPN has with Tony Romo is getting a bit out of hand. Michael Irvin got a “Romo” tattoo on his left butt cheek. Sean Salisbury designated Tony as his proxy in his Living Will, and Rachel Nichols got impregnated just by interviewing him. L

Chicago -6.5 at St. Louis: Let’s all stop criticizing Rex Grossman for throwing those interceptions and instead heap praise on the defensive backs getting those interceptions. They say the hardest ball to catch is the one thrown right at you. W

Record 10-6
Star picks 2-3

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