Friday, December 1, 2006

Week 13 Football Picks

Long before “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas”, the commonly held sports credo was “What happens in the locker room, stays in the locker room…until 10 years after you retire, then you can write about it in a tell all book with a 6 figure advance.”

But that was then, and this is now. Lately, players have been blabbing about what goes on behind the scenes like a drunk girl telling her guy about all her ex-boyfriends. If you ask the guy, he’ll say “Yeah, baby, I want you to feel comfortable about sharing everything.” But secretly ladies, we really wish you would have the common decency to allow us our self-delusion that we’re the only man you’ve ever been with.

It’s the same thing with our sports heroes. I want to believe that everything is great, that all the players get along and that they’re all working really hard to achieve MY goal of winning a championship. I don’t want to hear about all the in fighting, name-calling, second-guessing, and general bitching and moaning. I spend over 45 hours a week in an office. I get that in spades everyday. When I turn on ESPN, the last thing I want to think is, “Boy Shockey sure sounds like the secretary down the hall who’s pissed off at the new guy in HR.”

Also, I don’t want to hear anything bad about a player. When did we get so high and mighty? Some guys have a hard time operating a motor vehicle after drinking a six-pack. Who cares?! Some guys like to use their middle finger to show they’re number one. So what! Some guys like to participate in the interstate distribution of illegal narcotics. Who doesn’t?! So long as they protect my QB’s blind side, don’t fumble on the goal line, and, most importantly, put up over 20 points for my fantasy team, I don’t care. Give me the days of yore when Mickey Mantle’s pre-game hurling because of an all-night bender was reported as a mild touch of the flu.

But alas, this is the era where we have to know everything. Everyone has to “share” his feelings. Athletes go on sports talk radio and just “tell it like it is” because they “got to keep it real.” No you don’t. You can keep it “fake”. It works for our government. What? Acting like the leader of the free world isn’t good enough for you? Will it cost you street cred?

Although, I have to say I do admire the players who have the guts to claim they were misquoted despite that fact they were just broadcast live to over 20 million people. You must have no smaller than size XXXL cojones to try to pull that off. I’m not sure how such a person can even walk.

So thanks to this new era of Glasnost, this week we learned that:
The NY Giants are as dysfunctional as a Jackson family reunion.
Troy Williamson of the Vikings can take a punch but can’t run a 15-yard out.
Art Shell (aka Capt. Queeg) thinks there is a traitor in his mist.
Football players find slavery to be a better source of humor than the Polish.
and, most importantly, Tony Romo is not dating Jessica Simpson.

Is it any wonder that Sports Illustrated and People Magazine are owned by the same parent company?

Last week I went 9-7 on my picks and 2-3 on my star picks. For the season, I am just below the water line at 80-81-6 and 22-25-1 on my star picks.

Here are the picks for this week, with a little clubhouse secret that you’ll only get from me. My picks are in bold.

San Diego –6 at Buffalo: LaDainian Tomilson is still not satisfied with his role on the team. He was overheard lobbying the coaching staff to let him play free safety, kick field goals, and choreograph the cheerleading squad. L

Minnesota at Chicago –9: It’s not all Rex’s fault. Brian Urlacher has been secretly encouraging Grossman to throw more picks. It seems Brian gets a $200,000 bonus if he leads the league in tackles. W

Kansas City at Cleveland +5.5: Larry Johnson considers Herm Edwards a father figure. So much so that he hates Herm for never being there for him when he was young and blames him for his issues with commitment. W

NY Jets at Green Bay +1.5: Feeling ignored by the media, the Jets are game planning to blow a fourth quarter lead so they can grab the back pages from the Giants. In New York, it’s not whether you win or lose, it’s who gets the wittiest headlines. L

Indianapolis –7.5 at Tennessee: Jeff Fisher is telling friends that this is a “make or break” game for him. If the Titans pull out another upset victory, he fears he’ll be offered a contract extension keeping him from that job in Arizona. L

*Arizona at St. Louis –6.5: Cardinal players are concerned Dennis Green has given up on the season. One sign might be that instead of listening to his coordinators during the game, Green has piped into his headset Jay-Z’s new album. L

Detroit +13.5 at New England: To prove that he is the greatest defensive genius in NFL history, Belichick will try to win this game without fielding an offense. Keeping John Kitna on the field might be the best way for the Patriots to run up the score anyway. W

*San Francisco at New Orleans –7: The Niners were left heart broken over their last minute loss to the Rams. There were reports of a locker room littered with used Kleenexes, empty ice cream and bon-bon boxes, and a copy of “Waiting to Exhale” in the team DVD player. W

*Atlanta +1.5 at Washington: Michael Vick was so hurt by comments calling him a “coach killer” that he has decided to donate the league imposed $10,000 penalty to the “Jim Mora Jr. Future Unemployment Fund.” W

*Houston at Oakland –3: While supporters insist Art Shell is not paranoid about players and staff talking behind his back, word is Shell just hired as his new head of security John Ashcroft. L

Jacksonville +2 at Miami: Since they are undefeated when I do, the Dolphins are now paying me Dante Culpepper’s salary to pick against them. W

Dallas –3.5 at NY Giants: In a incredibly generous gesture on the eve of such a big game, Terrell Owens has offered to give the Giants a pep talk on team chemistry. L

*Tampa Bay at Pittsburgh –7: After last week’s nine sack beating at the hands of the Ravens, Ben Roethlisberger relaxed and enjoyed his off day by taking headers off his Suzuki.W

Seattle at Denver –3: My sources tell me it wasn’t all the interceptions and general ineptitude that cost Jake Plummer his job. It was the fact he didn’t buy his new Silverado from John Elway Chervolet. L

Carolina at Philadelphia +3: In a powerful sign of solidarity after the season ending injury to McNabb, the entire Eagle team has unified and agreed to rally around blaming Jeff Garcia for all future losses. W

Record 8-8
Star Picks 3-2

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