Saturday, September 15, 2007

Week 2- The Foo-mmys

My week one quick hits and observations

Did anyone consider that Belichick was taping the Jets for a submission to “America’s Funniest Defense Play Calls?”
Host Bob Saget –“Look what happens if you only single cover one of the fastest receivers in the league…whoops... burned for another TD (cue up canned laugh track and cut to audience guffawing).

Holy Wes Craven, NY Giants players were dropping like half naked teenagers on Elm Street. Now that I think of it, Tom Couglin sort of looks like Freddy Kruger.

After months of being out of the lime light, a once might superstar comes back to the main stage only to give a performance that leaves everyone’s muttering “What the hell was that?” No I am not talking about Britney, I’m referring to Donovan McNabb. While he might have looked better than Britney in a bra and bikini bottom, their performances was eerily similar They both staggered around the stage/field looking completely lost, had no rhythm, and left you screaming “I picked Britney to go to the Super Bowl ?!”

It’s so good to see Tim Donaghy get a second chance after the whole basketball gambling fix. He seemed to fit right in as the back judge for the Ravens-Bengals game. Nice call on that Todd Heap pass-interference play. Hope Fat Paulie pays you well for keeping the Ravens from covering.

In their suit and ties, Jack Del Rio and Mike Nolan looked less like NFL head coaches and more like substitute teachers.

Which will last longer, a bottle of vodka in Lindsay Lohan’s hand, Paris Hilton’s relationship with God, or Derek Anderson as Brown’s QB? Seeing how the previous QB went for getting the coach’s vote of confidence to traded to Seattle in less than 48 hours, I think I’ll bet on the vodka staying out of Lindsay’s bloodstream as lasting longer.


Now on to the picks. In honor of this Sunday also being the 59th Emmy Awards, along with my picks, I am doling out my own football Emmys or “Foo-mmys.”

Last week I went 8-6-2 in my picks, but a stellar 3-0-1 with my star picks. So basically, only listen to half of what I say, just try figuring out what half.

My picks are in bold.
*- denotes I really feel so strongly about this I would testify under oath in a court of law to its validity.

And the Foo-mmy goes to…

Indianapolis at Tennessee +7
Outstanding Directing for a Drama Series. After watching Peyton doing all that crazy direction at the line of scrimmage, do you wonder if instead of yelling “Hut,” he yells “Action!”

*Cincinnati –6.5 at Cleveland
Outstanding Directing for a Comedy Series. The way Romeo Crennel has handled his QB situation is a mark of a true genius, in the spirit of the Keystone Kops.

Buffalo at Pittsburgh –9
Outstanding Stunt Coordination It is remarkable how they make it look like JP Losman is getting absolutely crushed when he gets sacked by the Steelers, when we all know it’s staged so he doesn’t get hurtl. Right JP? JP? Is you helmet supposed to be turned around like that?

Houston at Carolina –6.5
Outstanding Animated Programming Tell Steve Smith he’s going to get shut down and he gets as mad a Yosemite Sam, runs by defensive backs as fast as the Road Runner, and ends up taunting opposing teams like Bugs Bunny. Texan coach Gary Kubiak is going have that Elmer Fudd look all day.

San Francisco at St. Louis –3
Outstanding Hairstyling for a Series. Steven Jackson’s flowing dreadlocks makes him look like a better running back. I believe dreadlocks add at least five spots to a player’s fantasy football ranking. Besides, he looks so darn cool. It almost makes me forget the two fumbles last week…almost.

Green Bay +1 at NY Giants
Outstanding Miniseries It’s a continuing saga of when will Tom Coughlin be fired. I loved the new twist of taking away his QB, running back, and best defensive player. I’m dying for the next episode to see how he gets out of this jam in time to save his job.

Atlanta +10.5 at Jacksonville
Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series. I love the subtle comedic nuisance Joey Harrington brings to his role as the hapless second banana thrust into the lead role, like just when you think it can’t get worse, he throws another pick for a TD. As Joey would tell you, comedy is all about topping yourself.

*New Orleans –3.5 at Tampa Bay
Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series. Jon Gruden is like Al Pacino if Al ever portrayed a football coach. Oh he did? I mean portrayed a football coach well. Gruden emotes so much, they have to wipe the field clean with “Emote Be Gone” after every game. (Not available in stores, call now to get your free sample.)

Minnesota at Detroit –3
Outstanding Directing for a Variety Program Mike Martz really embraces variety as he directs the Detroit offense, from throwing the ball deep to throwing the ball really deep. You never know what’s coming next (hint: look for the deep pass)

Dallas –4 at Miami
Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series. Name calling. Coach bashing. QB-sexual orientation questioning. Hold outs. Front lawn push-ups. Attempted Accidental Suicide. T.O., you own this category.

*Seattle –3 at Arizona
Outstanding Guest Actor in a Comedy Series Ken Whisenhunt takes up the revolving part of “the coach who enters with high hopes of turning around a sorry franchise only to have his heart crushed as he is fired in three years for never breaking 8-8.” Dennis Green was the standard bearer of how to play this role, so Ken you have big shoes to fill.

NY Jets at Baltimore –10
Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series This game boasts two supporting actors taking over lead roles as QB, and I promise you one will have a bold dramatic performance…as they boldly throw a interception run back for a TD.

Oakland at Denver –9.5
Outstanding Directing for a Miniseries. Mike Shanahan has done a brilliant job of directing this long running serial drama “How to Torment Your Crazy Ex-Boss.”

Kansas City at Chicago –12.5
Outstanding Comedy Series. Watch the hilarity as Rex Grossman plays a clueless college kid trying to pass himself off as an NFL QB, My favorite line is when the cranky Coach Smith slaps his forehead and yelps “Oh, Rex, ya threw it to the wrong team again!”

San Diego +3.5 at New England
Outstanding Dramatic Series. There will be more bad blood than on any episode of the Sopranos, but with a better ending,

Washington at Philadelphia –7
Outstanding Casting for a Comedy Series Recipe for a knee-slapping comedy - cast your team by spending more money than anyone else, use all that money to gather mediocre talent, and fill the role of head coach with a guy running a NASCAR team. Oh, that Daniel Snyder has been America’s favorite diminutive, high strung, ne’er-do-well capitalist since Alex P. Keaton.

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