Thursday, November 1, 2007

Week 9- The Super Bowl of the Regular Season

Sunday, November 4. 4:15pm Eastern, 1:15pm Pacific. On CBS. What else could you possibly want to watch? Simply put, it is THE match-up of the year. Three words say it all.

Sage Rosenfels vs. Dante Culpepper.
Kris Brown vs. Sebastian Janikowski.

A guaranteed epic battle sure to captivate all those who love the game of football. And I mean football in the European sense since the only scoring will be by kicking. The final score will end up 9-6 where the last team with the ball with throw a game-ending interception (or in the case of Culpepper, a game ending fumble.) I bet the people in Houston and Oakland are just giddy over the fact they get coverage of this game, while the rest of the CBS affiliates in the country have to endure the Patriots vs. Colts. I’m inclined to take a road trip to Oakland just so I can see the game, but I still need to get an security system for my car.

This game got me thinking of other match-ups I would love to see, and not just in the world of sports. Here’s my list of battles I would pay money to watch. Not a lot of money mind you, but, you know, twenty or twenty-five dollars, something like that.

Bill Clinton vs. Ronald Reagan – both could charm the pants off you…and in Clinton’s case, he did.

Homer Simpson vs. Peter Griffin- settle the score once and for all on who is the best poorly drawn animated character on television today.

Michael Scott vs. David Brent- in the showdown of insufferable, self-centered managers, I would bet on the good old-fashioned American boss every time.

Dame Judi Dench vs. Dame Helen Mirren – raise your hand if you are like me and just can’t get enough of catfights between 60+ year old British stage actresses. They even bleed with a regal British accent.

Michael Vick vs. a pit bull – No nooses. No buckets of water. No guns. Mano y canine. (wagering allowed)

Norway vs. Sweden vs. Denmark- look, you are all pretty much the same. Just have a battle royale and the last country standing gets naming rights for the whole Scandinavian peninsula. (written by a true American)

Stephen Hawking vs. Frank Wilczek- Love to see a fist fight between these two giants of theoretical physics. Sure Wilczek has the Novel Prize and use of his arms and legs, but Hawking gets the ladies and that wheelchair can puncture skin.

Now on to the football games. There are 13 other games besides the big game between Houston and Oakland. While you are probably not interested in any of them, I took the time to tell you what will happen at these games so you can concentrate all your efforts on the Texans and Raiders. You can thank me later.

Last week I went 7-6 and 2-2 on my star picks. Overall I am 53-55-7 and 11-15-2 on my star picks. My picks are in bold and the star indicates I feel so strong about this pick I am going to take it out for dinner and a movie.

*Washington -4 at NY Jets – Kellen Clemens stakes the Jets to an early 7-0 lead. The crowd thinks he’s the second coming of Joe Namath. In the second half, he’ll throw 3 picks and the crowd thinks he is the second coming of Brooks Bollinger.

Green Bay at Kansas City –2.5 - in the final two minutes of the game, the Chiefs will accidentally on purpose cut off Herm Edwards headset so he can’t mismanage the clock.

Arizona +3.5 at Tampa Bay – Tampa will dominate most of this game until the last five minutes when Warner just chucks the ball around against a prevent defense and the Cardinals pull a last second cover. Buccaneer bettors will have their shoelaces and belts confiscated and be on suicide watch.

*Carolina +4.5 at Tennessee – after falling behind with David Carr at QB, the Panthers force Testaverde to play, using one of the offense linemen to prop him up so he can throw.

San Francisco at Atlanta –3 – this game will be so ugly, that Tyra Banks will come out at halftime to have a stylist do a complete makeover of both teams. The crowd will gasp at how beautiful the teams look, but leave early when they realize they still play awful.

Jacksonville +3.5 at New Orleans – Quinn Gray’s performance will make Jaguars fans forget David Garrard who made then forget Byron Leftwich who made them forget Mark Brunell. Gee, I think Jacksonville fans have Alzheimer’s.

*Denver and Detroit –3 - God will be sitting in the owners box cheering his Lions on to victory. How’s that for an advantage.

*Cincinnati at Buffalo –1 – Good news for the Bengals, the Bills starting QB is out. Bad news for the Bengals, their defense can make any QB look like a Hall of Famer.

San Diego –7.5 at Minnesota – The Vikings will be holding a special contest where one lucky fan will get to quarterback the team in the 3rd quarter.

Seattle +1 at Cleveland – the Browns will take a lead into halftime, remember in the locker room “Hey, we are the Browns! There is no way we can win three games in a row,” and then return to the field and completely fall apart in the second half.

New England at Indianapolis +5.5 –There will be a 30-minute delay in the fourth quarter when the scoreboard short circuits from overuse. Note to remember: Miami’s offense, with no QB, no running back and no wide receivers scored 21 points against New England.

Houston at Oakland –3 – The McAfee Coliseum will be playing the Pats/Colts game on the jumbo-tron. The players are going to agree to decide the game with the opening coin toss so they dispense with playing and enjoy watching the game.

Dallas -3 at Philadelphia – With the ink still wet on his huge new contract, Romo goes out and throws four picks in the first half, but still has that silly grin on his face, because, hey “I’m rich and just got a lap dance from Britney Spears!”

Baltimore and Pittsburgh –9 – The real news out of this game will be the post game surgery required for Brian Billick to have his play calling sheet removed from his derriere after Ray Lewis sticks it there.

No comments: