Thursday, November 15, 2007

Week 11 – Smoke’m if you got them, Ricky Williams is Back

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Guess who’s coming to dinner with the Miami Dolphins? It’s Ricky Williams, and they better have plenty to eat because he has a mean case of the munchies.

Everyone’s favorite social anxiety sufferer / running back has been cleared to play again in the NFL. The league that so callously turned its back on a man who clearly is in need of hemp, ummm I mean help, has come to its senses and readmitted Mr. Williams back into the league.

Bravo Roger Goodell. It takes a courageous man to admit a fault. Your initial decision to expel him for the minor transgression of taking drugs that are illegal under the laws of the United States and her territories was clearly an overreaction. What’s next, kicking out players involved in a strip club shooting resulting in the paralyses of an innocent man? Don’t tell me you’ll expel a player involved in financing and organizing underground dog fighting? See what I mean? It’s a slippery slope isn’t. Kick out one player for breaking the law and where does it stop.

Let’s not just let Ricky back into the game. I think there are plenty of others that should be brought back to sports.

OJ Simpson – bring him back as a coach. If he can motivate perfect strangers to commit armed robbery and kidnapping for him, imagine what he can do with his new hometown Dolphins. “Play hard or I’ll kill you,” will have a whole new meaning.

Pete Rose- as a manager or player, he never bet AGAINST the Reds, unless of course his starting pitcher was a real dog, then who could blame him.

Jose Canseco –sure he’ll probably get knifed in the locker room showers for being a rat, but who wouldn’t pay to see another popup bounce off his head and over the fence for a homerun. Priceless.

Rae Carruth –he is spending 19-24 years for conspiracy to commit murder, but he has good hands, the Panthers could use another offensive threat, and what DB would want to tackle him. That crazy mo-fo had the mother of his son killed, what do you think he’d do to a guy who horse-collar tackled him!

Mike Tyson – without him, the sport of boxing has become a cure for insomnia. Boxing has been overtaken by a sport which consists of a bunch of oversized men wearing short underwear and rolling around on the floor together. I can see that for free any night in West Hollywood.

(Serious suck-up note- the fighters of UFC are incredibly talented and tough individuals and I have the utmost respect for each and everyone of them, so please don’t kick my ass.)

Last week, I went 6-7-1 and 1-3-1 on my star picks. Overall I am 65-70-8 and 14-20-3. My picks are in bold and that star indicates I feel so strong about this I’d let Pacman Jones take me on a midnight run to Pure Platinum if I am wrong.

Every week of the season, commentators and sports writers love to put a label on a game. “Revenge Game,” “Bounce Back Game, “Trap Game,” etc. Well, who am I to think I am better than the people at ESPN, Fox Sports or the NFL Network. This week, I will title each game so you will know the theme of that game. This will help you follow along, much like Cliff Notes or the annoying old lady sitting behind you at the movies who has to repeat everything for her deaf husband.

*San Diego at Jacksonville –2.5 The “Thank God We’re Home, When Do We Leave Again?” Game. Jacksonville had to play their last three games on the road. That can’t be easy. I mean it can’t be easy to have to come back to Jacksonville after seeing the real world.

*Kansas City +14.5 at Indianapolis – The “American Red Cross” Game. With the amount of injuries both these teams have suffered, the Red Cross will be set up on the sidelines for its mass causality training exercise.

Oakland +5 at Minnesota - The “Petty Revenge” Game- Part Deux. First the Dolphins, now the Vikings will feel the wrath on the healed Culpepper. His powers only work against his formers teams, against everyone else he still stinks, which I guess is why the Vikes and Fins are his former teams.

Cleveland at Baltimore +3 –The “Circle the Wagons, Ray Lewis has a Knife” Game. This is the highest level of must win urgency because if the Ravens don’t win, someone will get cut. And I don’t mean released.

Pittsburgh –9.5 at NY Jets – The “Be Gentle with Me” Game. This game could get so out of hand that the welfare authorities might have to step in and take the Jets away in protective custody.

Tampa Bay at Atlanta +3 – The “Don’t Screw Up a Good Thing” Game. Atlanta might sit Joey Harrington who has lead them to two straight wins. A brilliant move on par with invading Russia in the winter and telling that one night stand where you work.

*Arizona at Cincinnati –3 – The “I Really Thought We’d Be Better Than This” Game. Both teams had high hopes for the post season this year. Well actually the Cardinals had those hopes, the Bengals just hoped they could post bail.

Miami at Philadelphia –10 – The “Deer in the Headlights” Game. Poor John Beck. His first NFL game against a team that blitzes on every down. Cam Cameron must really hate this guy.

New England –16 at Buffalo – The “Bring Extra Light Bulbs for the Scoreboard” Game. New England has had a whole week off so they can put in more offensive plays utilizing defensive players. I bet we see a play with the entire secondary in the backfield to run the option.

Washington +10.5 at Dallas – The “Shouldn’t This be Played on Thanksgiving” Game. This a classic match-up of old rivals that deserves to played when we have nothing else watch. Instead, we get the Cowboys playing the stinkin’ Jets on turkey day. Granted, I will watch it anyway, but it’s the principle of the thing.

*New Orleans +1 at Houston – The “What Could Have Been” Game. Houston suffered this last year when Vince Young beat them. Now it Reggie Bush’s turn to remind them how bad they blew the 2006 draft.

Carolina at Green Bay –9.5 – The “AARP” Game. If Testaverde starts, this match up will have the highest combined age of two starting QBs since 1970. Rue McClanahan, Betty White and Bea Arthur are hired as guest cheerleaders for the game. (Yeah, try getting that visual out of your head.)

NY Giants at Detroit +2.5 – The “Damn We Were Almost Good” Game. Whichever team loses this game will have to look in the mirror and repeat “I’m not good enough, I’m not smart enough, and gosh darn it, people do not like me.”

St Louis at San Francisco +3 – The “Only Reason I am Watching This is Because I Have Money on It” Game. The NFL wants nothing to do with Las Vegas or gambling, but if it wasn’t for both, this game would get beat in the ratings by ice hockey.

Chicago at Seattle –5 – The “Oh God, He’s Back” Game. Rex Grossman returns and I can already hear the people who bet the Bears ripping up their betting slips.

Tennessee +2 at Denver – The “Let’s Save Electricity” Game. The opposite of the New England game. The stadium will unplug the scoreboard to save power and because, seriously, who expects there to be any scoring in this game.

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