Friday, November 23, 2007

Week 12- Black Sunday

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The day after Thanksgiving is commonly referred to as Black Friday since retailers hope to be in the black after a rush of holiday spending and because that is color of your heart as you cut in front of the person waiting for that last parking space.

Looking at the football schedule for this weekend, Sunday should also be referred to as "Black Sunday." Not a single game will have two teams with a winning record. Not a single one. And the Monday night game features a winless Dolphin team going to slaugher at Pittsburgh. ESPN seriously must want to renegotiate its NFL contract. While Monday night games this year have been horrific, at least this week ESPN won’t feel singled out since all the games will be terrible.

But this is the NFL which for fans stands for - Never Faltering Love-affair. No matter how ugly she looks, no matter how bad she treats us, no matter how much she costs us (and judging from my picks this year, she has cost me two years’ worth of rent and car payments), we come home to her every weekend and beg her to never leave us.

We watch her games. We buy her merchandise. We ignore that fact she is pumped with enough chemicals to fill a Dupont warehouse.

Let’s face it, we are in a co-dependent relationship with the National Football League. I would suggest getting professional therapy, but we can’t afford it because we just blew the last of our cash on getting Dish TV so we can watch the NFL Network.

Below are my predications for this weekend. If you find the idea of watching these games too disturbing, just catch the highlights that night. The whole weekend’s worth of highlights should only run only 45 seconds.

Last week I went 6-8-2 and 2-2 on my star picks. For Thanksgiving I went 2-1 so overall I am 73-79-10 and 16-22-3. My picks are in bold and that star indicates I feel so strong about this pick that if I am wrong I will take the NFL out for a steak and lobster dinner and expect nothing but a kiss on the cheek at the end of the night.

Not only do you get my picks this week, you get a juvenile “this game is so ugly” joke to go with it. You’re welcome.

*Houston at Cleveland –3- This game is so ugly, it’s only watchable over the radio.

*Seattle –3 at St. Louis- This game is so ugly, not just the fans, but the players, coaches and referees will wear brown bags over their heads.

*Washington at Tampa Bay –3 - This game is so ugly, you’ll want to shower after watching it.

Denver +2.5 at Chicago - This game is so ugly, you’ll wish Jake Plummer would return.

Tennessee -1 at Cincinnati – This game is so ugly, the field will be treated with manure to help ease the smell.

Buffalo +7.5 at Jacksonville - This game is so ugly, blind fans don’t want to watch it.

Oakland +5.5 at Kansas City - This game is so ugly, the players in it will want their money back.

Minnesota +7.5 at NY Giants- This game is so ugly, it makes New Jersey look pretty.

New Orleans at Carolina + 3- This game is so ugly, cats will try to bury it.

San Francisco +10.5 at Arizona – This game is so ugly, tailgaters will stay in the parking lot throughout the game.

Baltimore +9.5 at San Diego - This game is so ugly, even the players’ kids won’t watch it.

Philadelphia at New England –23.5 - This game is so ugly, you’d rather have a post-game handshake with Bill Belichick than watch it.

Miami at Pittsburgh –15.5 – This game is so ugly, it can only be shown on cable.

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