Thursday, November 29, 2007

Week 13 – Triskaidekaphobia

Triskaidekaphobia is the fear of the number 13 and I am an acute sufferer of this condition, particualry when it is applied to the 13th week of the NFL season. I am scared, so scared. Somebody hold me.

After 12 weeks of watching football, I have no idea what to expect. It’s like the boogie man is going to jump out of the closet or worse, the Broncos are going to punt to Devin Hester. I know neither makes sense and it’s all a figment of my imagination. Seriously, there is a greater change of a orge living under by bed than Denver kicking it to Hester a second time, right?

Each week of the season, I go in thinking I know what is going happen. I belive each weekend that the better team will win, smart decisions will be made by highly paid professionals, and the most profitable sports league in the U.S. can afford putting down a quality playing surface for its games. And then, BAM!, I watch the games, with the blanket pulled up just below my eyes, and spend the entire Sunday constantly on the verge of wetting myself. It’s that scary.

But I am a masochist and I go into each week thinking this will be the one that will be a pleasant, feel good, Rudy type of film and I end up ashen faced as I just experienced a Wes Craven/ Saw sequel / snuff film rolled into one.

Just last week I screamed like a little girl when I watched:

Neil Rackers ripping the heart out of every Cardinal fans as he shanked a chip shot field goal.

Herm Edwards eviscerating Chiefs fans with him brilliant decision making allowing the hated Raiders to win.

Gus Ferrotte garroting Rams fans with his bumbling fumble on the last play of the game, a mere yard from victory.

AJ Feeley giving Eagles fans and the rest of us hope that the Patriots could be beat, only to bludgeon us with an idiotic interception.

The NFL gouging the eyes of every football fan by making them watch that Monday night slop fest.

There are scarier things but for the fans of the Titans, Giants, Panthers and Jets, I will refrain from bringing them up.

So watch this week at your own peril. You know something bad is going to happen, but you don’t care. Just likes those coeds who go skinny dipping in Cyrstal Lake, you are going to get drowned by Jason and/or Eli Manning.

Speaking of scary, while last week I went 8-8, I went an otherworldly 3-0 on my star picks. For the season, I am 79-86-10 and 19-22-3. My picks are in bold and that star indicates I feel so strong about that I might watch the whole game without calling out for my mommy.

Green Bay at Dallas –7 - I am scared every time they do a close up on Jerry Jones’ face.

Atlanta at St. Louis –4 - I am scared the Falcons will NOT commit 10 boneheaded penalties.

Buffalo +5.5 at Washington - Too many emotions to even watch this game.

Detroit +3.5 at Minnesota – I am scared to bet against God’s team, even if He doesn’t have a running game.

*Houston at Tennessee –4 – I am scared every time Vince Young throws the ball.

Jacksonville +7 at Indianapolis – I am scared that all the arm waving and yelling Peyton Manning does at the line is really him putting a voodoo curse on the defense.

NY Jets at Miami –1.5 – As a Dolphins fan, I am seriously scared that if Miami doesn’t win this game, they won’t win until 2008. Maybe.

San Diego –5 at Kansas City – I am scared Norv Turner will forget again that he has LaDainian Tomlinson on his team. Maybe he should write it down or wrap a string around his finger.

Seattle +3 at Philadelphia – I am scared that Seattle will give the ball to Shaun Alexander. I am not afraid that AJ Feeley will throw 3 INTs. Remember, I am a Dolphin fan; I’ve seen that movie already.

*San Francisco at Carolina –2.5 – I am scared that Vinny Testaverde will forget to take his Geritol.

Tampa Bay +3.5 at New Orleans – I am scared that the Saints might actually find some consistency.

*Cleveland +1 at Arizona – I am scared Neil Rackers will make every kick over 50 yards, and miss every kick under 30.

Denver –3.5 at Oakland- I am scared the Broncos will still try to kick to Devin Hester, even if he is playing in Chicago.

NY Giants –1.5 at Chicago- I am scared whenever I see that “How come you stole my crayons?” look in Eli Manning’s eyes. Which means, I am scared every time I watch him play.

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh –7 – I am scared that is might rain in Pittsburgh again. By the way, there is a 40% chance of this happening.

New England –20.5 at Baltimore – I am scared that Bill Belichick one day will pull the hood on his sweatshirt over his head and turn into Darth Sidious. Tom, don’t succumb to the dark side!

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