Week 15 - We Need More Reports

Yesterday the long awaited Mitchell Report came out which was baseball’s in-depth, non-bias investigation into how many Yankees they could accuse of steroid use.

But of all the issues that need to be investigated, baseball players increasing the size of their craniums and decreasing the size of their testicles is the least interesting to me. I believe there are far more pressing and important topics that need to be addressed. So Senator Mitchell, if you are done with your bloodhounds, I would like to borrow them for the following blue-ribbon investigations:

The Moss/Welker Report. I care less about Spygate than I do about how the Patriots were able to get the best wide receiver in the game for a 4th round pick and get the best possession receiver in the league for a 2nd and 7th…and from a team in their own division. Either something fishy is going on or the Dolphins and Raiders are just plain dumb! 95% chance that it is that later.

The Backbone Report. Investigation into the disappearance of Bobby Petrino’s backbone. It must be gone because how could he have slithered out of Atlanta like that. I think they will find it in the same location as Nick Saban’s.

The Compromising Photos Report. An immediate investigation needs to be launched on what damning evidence that the following have over their employer. This is the only logical explanation on why they still have a job:

Matt Millen –GM for the Lions

Isiah Thomas – Coach of the Knicks

Randy Mueller – GM of the Dolphins

Gary Bettman – Commissioner of the NHL (it’s a professional hockey league in case you were not familiar with it.)

Brian Billick- offensive genius for a team that can’t score.

Bryant Gumbel- for his play-by-play work on the NFL network.

The guy who gave out all those home loans to people who couldn’t afford it.

The Toothless Smile Report. An explanation is required for the fact that hockey players, who fight in their sports all the time, often come across as really nice guys in the media; while, players who fight in any other sports come across as total jerks. Maybe there is something sympathetic about a guy in need of dental work, which explains our affinity for the British.

The Bizarro World Report. This might be beyond any mere mortal to investigate, but how did the traditionally “clinically depressed” town of Boston end up with a first place baseball, football, and basketball team at the same time. It might be Boston’s screw you revenge to the rest of the country for not voting for John Kerry.

The Parenthood Report. It amazes me when I see all these celebrities with young children go to every party, event and premiere. Brad and Angelina seem to be literally everywhere in the world and, yet, are supposed to be great parents of 4 little children. I know parents who have not left their zip code in months. So are these celebrities just the most time-efficient people in the world or do they just pick the best nannies?
I feel an asterisk should be placed next to their “Best Mommy and Daddy in the World” mug.

The Energizer Bunny Report. How the hell has that bunny kept going for over 20 years!


Speaking of investigations, there should be a report explaining why for the first 12 weeks of the season I was picking at below 50%, but for the last two weeks, my winning percentage is up to over 70%! Last week, I went 11-5 (again), and 1-2 (not again) on my star picks. For the season, I am 101-96-10 and 22-25-3. My picks are in bold and that star indicates I feel so strong about it that I will not cooperate with investigators if I am wrong.

Cincinnati –8.5 at San Francisco
Arizona +4 at New Orleans
Atlanta +13 at Tampa Bay
*Baltimore –3 at Miami
Buffalo +6 at Cleveland
Green Bay –9.5 at St. Louis
Jacksonville at Pittsburgh –3.5
NY Jets +24.5 at New England
*Seattle –7 at Carolina
*Tennessee at Kansas City +4
Indianapolis –10.5 at Oakland
Detroit +10.5 at San Diego
Philadelphia +10.5 at Dallas
Washington +5.5 at NY Giants
Chicago +10 at Minnesota