Thursday, December 20, 2007

Week 16- Miracles Can Happen

Last Sunday, I sold my left kidney and right lung.

Sure the fatheads at the AMA might say this was a “risky medical procedure.” But, I figure if I don’t drink too much and keep my breathing shallow, I should be fine for the next 5 years. I did not sell these seemingly vital organs for the usual black market rate of 500,000 Chinese Yuan. No, I sold them for something far, far more valuable… a single Dolphin victory.

Laugh if you like. I would join you if the sutures still didn’t hurt and I had the air capacity. Unless you are a Tampa Bay Bucs fan from 1976-77, you have no idea the stigma that is attached to your favorite team serving up an O-fer. In a 1-15 season, your team just sucks; but, after an 0-16 season, all other fans look at you like you are John Merrick (the Elephant Man). Sure they will say, its okay, you don’t look that bad wearing your Cleo Lemon jersey. But as soon as they leave you, they’ll pray to every god in the universe that they never befall such a tragedy.

Parents would purposely go out of their way to make sure their child was not a Dolphins fan for fear of the ridicule they would face. The quality of cheerleaders trying out for the team would suffer because how would a woman be able to further her career as a “dancer” or “middle level manager at Hooters” with the stigma of the Dolphins on her resume. Wayne Huizenga would have been forced to sell the team to competent ownership!

I saw the future of an 0-16 season for the team I grew up loving and I just couldn’t let that happen. So I made the trade. I met some guy who goes by the name of Bones because he wears gorilla femurs around his neck. (That would probably explain his hunchback.) He promised me he could make miracles happen in the exchange for these organs. I thought about his claim for a moment mulled over asking him to use his powers for world peace or a cure of illness, but then I thought about a crying Jason Taylor. I ripped open my shirt and said “Go at it! Just, be careful, I have sensitive nipples.”

I am not sure what Bones did to Matt Stover’s right foot to make him miss or to Rich Camarillo’s legs to make him run so fast. All I know or care about is that the Dolphins won a game. Infamy has been staved off. I can wear my aqua and orange jumpsuit with pride for at least one week.

As an extra bonus, Bones threw in the Dolphins getting Bill Parcells to right the ship for the future. I just hope I live to see it..seeing how I have only one lung and kidney.

I think the other reason the Dolphins won is because of the balance of nature. When one thing rises, another must fall. The Dolphins won, and my picks plummeted. Last week, I went 5-11, and 0-3 on my star picks. For the season, I am 106-107-10 and 22-28-3. My picks are in bold. The star indicates I feel so strong about this pick because Bones has wagered my organs on these games.

Pittsburgh at St. Louis +8

Dallas –10.5 at Carolina

Cleveland –3 at Cincinnati

*Green Bay –9 at Chicago

Houston +7 at Indianapolis

Kansas City at Detroit –4.5

Miami at New England –22

*NY Giants at Buffalo +3

Oakland at Jacksonville –13

Philadelphia at New Orleans –3

Washington at Minnesota –6.5

*Atlanta at Arizona –10

*Baltimore at Seattle –10

NY Jets +9 at Tennessee

Tampa Bay at San Francisco +7

Denver at San Diego –8.5


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