Week 14- Save the Dolphins

After overcoming the one obstacle that could have prevented a place in football infamy, the Miami Dolphins are speeding down the HOV lane on their way to the imperfect season. Their offense has not scored a touchdown in three games. Their defense just game up 40 to a team that scored just 3 the week before. Fingers are being pointed at everyone in sight, blame is spread around like fertilizer on a farm, and there is a real chance their new coach’s first year will also be his last.

But this does not have to be. I’ve spent the week shut in a basement watching tapes of Dan Marino’s Greatest Hits and the NFL Film’s documentary on the ’72 Dolphins. This has inspired me to come up with some ideas the Dolphins can employ to ward off the inevitable and win that one game needed to make the season a tolerable failure, instead of an ultimate catastrophe.

So, Mr. Huzienga, Mr. Mueller, and Mr. Cameron, here are some tips, free of charge:

Flood the field before everyone of your games. The game you had the best chance of winning was played in 3 feet of muck in which no one could stay upright. The key is to bring your opponent down to your level, since you have no chance of rising to theirs.

Punt on third down. Your third down conversion rate is abysmal. You can totally fix that by just eliminating third down. Plus it gets your offense off the field quicker. This helps since your offense has clearly been an impediment to scoring.

Videotape the other team sending in signals. Heck it’s working for the Patriots. (Oh come on Belchick, I was only kidding. You are a great coach and I wish you were running the Dolphins, or even better the CIA.)

Blame the officiating. You may not be able to technically win the game, but by blaming the officiating as the cause of your loss, you can at least enjoy that moral, “the game was stolen from us” victory that the Ravens are celebrating after Monday night.

Immediately try a field goal as soon as you get in range. Once you get inside the 40-yard line, even if it is on first down, immediately line-up for a field goal try. Why risk losing the ball on a turnover and getting zero points. And don’t come back to me saying “but a touchdown would be better.” It would be better if this blog won the Pulitzer Prize, but both that happening and you scoring a TD have an equal chance of occurring.

Spike the other teams Gatorade with drops of Visine. I think it was the great Vince Lombardi who once said, “The only way to stop the run is to give the runs.” This is expert advice usually found only on the Fox pre-game show.

Pick a lucky fan to play running back for the 3rd quarter. You are down to your 6 or 7 string running back. I think any person who can stand upright might help you now. Plus, it’s a way to give back to the fans...by paying for their hospitalization.

Send typical Miami drivers to drive near the opposing team’s bus on way to the stadium. It’s a miracle your own team makes it to and from home games driving in Miami (see Zach Thomas). Why not take the home field advantage and extend it to the home roadway advantage. Even if the deranged Miami drivers don’t run the bus off the road, they would scare the living hell out of the team leaving them catatonic for the game. This is just like Miami residents are after a rush hour commute home.

Schedule a game against Notre Dame. Seriously, this might be your only hope.

Don’t discount my advice so easily. Last week, I went 11-5, and 2-1 on my star picks. For the season, I am 90-91-10 and 21-23-3. My picks are in bold and that star indicates I feel so strong about it that I will donate the victory to the Dolphins, but not the money that comes from betting the pick.

Chicago at Washington –3
*Carolina +11 at Jacksonville
Dallas –11 at Detroit
Miami at Buffalo –7
NY Giants +3 at Philadelphia
Oakland at Green Bay –10
Pittsburgh +11 at New England
*San Diego –1 at Tennessee
St. Louis at Cincinnati –6.5
*Tampa Bay –3 at Houston
Arizona +7 at Seattle
Minnesota –8 at San Francisco
Cleveland –3.5 at NY Jets
Kansas City at Denver –6.5
Indianapolis –9 at Baltimore
New Orleans –4.5 at Atlanta